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Red Zone Play: Enter the Doldrums…

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Time to fill space...and time. What better what than with way-too-early predictions of the Texans’ 2018 record?

Houston Texans v Seattle Seahawks Photo by Rob Leiter via Getty Images

The two to three weeks after the Super Bowl have historically been some of the worst for sports fans. The NFL Network bombards us with Top Ten shows of such ridiculousness like “Top Ten Most Drunken Sportscasters” and “Top Ten Worst Passes By Kickers” while ESPN runs less-than-fascinating battles between junior college JV curling teams.

Meanwhile, those of us writing about sports come up with equal levels of inane filler, like who Bruno Mars wants as the Super Bowl halftime performer in 2019.

Such is the way of life in February.

So let’s join in.

Here’s the Houston Texans flavored ridiculousness for this week: Predicting the final record for the 2018 Houston Texans. (caveat: I know the games won’t fall in this order, but we must work with what we have.)

Dallas Cowboys – 1-0. Dak Prescott was exposed last season as the guy we knew he was all along. He’s certainly no Deshaun Watson.

New York Giants – 2-0. New Coach. Old Eli. New Yorkers in H-Town. Texans win all day, baby.

Cleveland Browns – 3-0. ‘Nuff said.

Buffalo Bills – 3-1. Bill O’Brien gets cocky and lets a winnable game slip through his fingers by calling one too many A-Gap runs on third and long.

Miami Dolphins – 4-1. The Dolphins get run over by Lamar Miller, who shows Miami how they should have used him the whole time he wore teal.

Indianapolis Colts – 5-1. #NeckBeard goes down under the tidal wave of Watt, Jadeveon Clowney and Whitney Mercilus while Deshaun Watson, Will Fuller and DeAndre Hopkins dissect their defense.

Jacksonville Jaguars – 5-2. Still stinging from last year’s loss, O’Brien overthinks the gameplan and tries to do too much trickery, failing to “Keep It Simple Stupid.” Houston falls to the Glitter Kitties again.

Tennessee Titans – 6-2. Mike Vrabel proves he was promoted too quickly and the game concludes while he congratulates his former players for whipping the Titans 57-14 for the second straight season.

Washington Redskins – 7-2. Dan Snyder comes to town and tries to pull another mattress disaster, but Mattress Mack beats him up in the parking lot while scarfing down some brisket.

Philadelphia Eagles – 7-3. Bill O’Brien learns firsthand why conservative game plans are a loss leader.

Denver Broncos – 8-3. He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named makes his (un)triumphant return to a Houston game, topping his greatest performance by throwing not one but two fumbles on his way to yet another career low point.

New England Patriots – 9-3. O’Brien and Romeo Crennel finally take the wood to the Brady Bunch in spectacular fashion, destroying the Patriots in New England. O’Brien announces he can die in peace knowing he’s defeated the Dark Lord.

New York Jets - 10-3 – J.J. Watt beats them all by himself. Because J-E-T-S…

Indianapolis Colts – 11-3 – Neckbeard is so traumatized by prior meeting he puts himself on IR for extreme razor burn, handing the team over to (fill in the blank second-stringer).

Jacksonville Jaguars – 11-4. The Glitter Kitties sweep Houston because Texans fans can’t have nice things.

Tennessee Titans – 12-4. By Week 17, Mike Vrabel has already accepted the open position to be the new head coach at Boston College, effectively preventing O’Brien from taking his rumored dream college gig.

There ya have it. Premature, pie-in-the-sky, don’t-have-nearly-enough-data-to-extrapolate predictions for the 2018 season.

I’ve shown you mine. Show us yours in the comments below.