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2018 NFL Free Agency: Where Do The Free Agent Quarterbacks End Up?

This is all that’s in my brain.

NFL: Washington Redskins at New York Giants Noah K. Murray-USA TODAY Sports

The 2018 NFL free agent class is whatever. Yeah, Kyle Fuller was great last year. Trumaine Johnson is really long. Sammy Watkins is overrated but may be available. Aaron Colvin was a good slot corner on a team with the best cornerback combination in football. Allen Robinson might be expensive. Andrew Norwell is going to get overpaid. Every position is pretty underwhelming. Every position, that is, aside from quarterback.

This offseason, there are are nine possible starting quarterbacks available. Seven are unrestricted free agents, and two will be available by trade. Kirk Cousins, Drew Brees, Case Keenum, A.J. McCarron, Sam Bradford, Josh McCown, and Teddy Bridgewater are unrestricted free agents. Tyrod Taylor and Nick Foles could be had in trade if the price is right.

There are 24 backup quarterbacks available. Insane. Never ever do we see even one Pro Bowl caliber free agent quarterback hit the open market. Yet Cousins is going to do exactly that. Rarely do we even see three competent starting quarterbacks change teams in an offseason. This year there are nine potential starting quarterbacks who may end up playing in different colors in a brand new big city.

I can’t stop thinking about this. The long whiskers are covering up patches in my beard. My hair is disheveled. My eyes are drug free but bloodshot. Coffee carries oxygen to the rest of my body. I’m seeing unicorns, seals, and zebras, all spinning in circles, but with the heads of Cousins, Keenum, and McCown attached to their ceramic necks. The quarterback carousel is the only thing in my brain right now. This is what happens to me when I go to bed at 10 p.m. on the weekends for three straight months. After constant deliberation, this is my best guess about where these players end up.

Kirk CousinsDenver Broncos: Here’s the thing about Cousins. He’s a good quarterback. But he’s not $30 million a year good. He doesn’t elevate everyone around him and limit the need to spend in other positions to be worth a contract like that. Whoever signs Cousins is going to struggle to build a good enough team around him, and they are going to struggle to reach the playoffs. They’ll be forever 9-6 and hoping things break right come Week 17.

I think Cousins ends up in Denver. He just seems like the type of quarterback John Elway wants, and Elway is dying for a quarterback. For so long he’s been luckily spurned by anchors like [NAME REDCATED]. He’ll do what he can to give Cousins the most money, and he’ll live a slightly better life without worrying about the quarterback position.

Drew BreesNew Orleans Saints: This is here for just because purposes. Brees isn’t going anywhere. He’ll stay with this team that he loves and loves him. It’s also the team that gives him the best chance to make another deep postseason run.

Case KeenumArizona Cardinals: Keenum doesn’t have the pure arm strength to be an outdoors, throw the ball into the wind quarterback. He will probably stay indoors. Arizona is an indoor team that needs a quarterback. Additionally, Keenum can throw the ball downfield, and the Cardinals have a bunch of disappointing deep threats who could possibly catch Keenum’s plastic bag passes. I want John Brown to be good again so bad. I miss yelling, “John Brown’s body,” and listening to Titus Andronicus while watching Cardinals’ condensed games.

A.J. McCarronCleveland Browns: I hate the Browns. The problem in Cleveland wasn’t Sashi Brown. It was Hue, and it’s still Hue. Sashi saved them from giving up draft picks for a terrible quarterback they could sign this offseason anyways. Jackson just didn’t want to go 0-16, which happened anyways because of his poor coaching.

McCarron is a below average quarterback. If he’s your backup, fine. If he’s your starter, horrendous. I’m already excited for him to become the next Mike Glennon, who became the next [NAME REDACTED]. If you are a Cleveland fan, at least McCarron’s bad tattoos will remind you of a Menzingers song. There are worse things for a football player to remind you of. He could be [NAME REDACTED], reminding you of your own mortality while you watch a football team that personifies a hangover win banal football games.

Sam BradfordNew York Jets: The Jets are going to want Cousins, and they won’t be able to get him. So they’ll sign Bradford, and he will be great at throwing horizontal routes to the Jets quick receivers. Man, Bradford would be perfect in Jacksonville. He’ll be pretty good in New York, and the Jets will be a surprise playoff contender in 2018.

But then, disaster. Bradford’s knee splits apart again. New York turns to their rookie quarterback before he’s ready. He’ll be pretty bad, and the Jets will miss the NFL Playoffs.

Josh McCownChicago Bears: McCown is the perfect backup. He treats the young QBs well. He’s a real professional’s professional. He can show a young quarterback what it takes to kind-of-sort-of make it in the league. If something happens and you need him to play, he can deliver an entertaining heartbreaking Any Given Sunday type of loss. The Bears need a backup for Mitch Trubisky, and McCown is a perfect fit.

Teddy BridgewaterBaltimore Ravens: My heart is broken like it’s 2014 all over again. I want Bridgewater to get a chance to start again so badly. There just aren’t enough spots out there. Instead things will have to wait, just like true love does.

Bridgewater will sign a one-year deal with Baltimore, and unlike previous backup quarterback Ryan Mallett, Bridgewater will turn the heat up on Joe Flacco. For too long, the Ravens have underperformed because they have the least valuable player in football starting for them. Jim Harbaugh will turn to Bridgewater to make a playoff push with his coaching job on the line. The Ravens will narrowly get in, and they’ll lose in the divisional round after playing New England tough. Then, in 2019, they’ll cut Joe Flacco the first time they are able to do so. By doing so, they’ll create $10.5 million in cap space and then they’ll make Bridgewater their starting quarterback.

This is all just fan fiction for me to read on those days when the soul is marauding around in the cellar.

Tyrod TaylorBuffalo Bills: Buffalo wants someone else for some reason. I personally don’t get it. They won’t be able to get enough to part with Taylor, and they will get less than they desire because of his contract. The Bills will miss the playoffs next year, like the Dolphins this past season, because of regression to the mean. Taylor will get blamed for it all.

Nick FolesMinnesota Vikings: The Vikings are going to chase Cousins. They won’t be able to pay enough for him, and he’ll go someplace else. The Vikings will drink a large part of a 750 and walk down to the gas station with a plastic cup in hand. A pack of those yellow forever lasting Willy Wonka cigarettes will be purchased. The cashier will call them ‘my friend’. They’ll go for a long walk under a purple night sky and say to themselves, “It’s more than just football.: After a hour and a half, once the sharp legs become stumbled, they’ll look out at the meaningless of it all and toss that cup, dying to hear the sharp sound of it exploding like a Martha Stuart supernova. Deep hollow bounces will be emitted.

The next day Minnesota will wake up. Laying around, staring up at the ceiling fan. Once the spinning stops, they’ll call up the Eagles and trade for Foles.

That’s what I’m thinking. I want to know what you are. Leave your picks in the comments below.