The gates of hell opened up a few weeks ago. It’s best not to remember the exact date for these sort of things. The Tennessee Titans had a block party unveiling—if you can call it that—their new uniforms. Florida-Georgia Line was there. People actually attended, and some even sat inside their homes and watched a live stream of the event. This is a truly dumb time to be alive. Mike Vrabel stood on stage and strummed the tunes of a fake guitar in a floppy hat. He took pictures with a bachelorette party that arrived on a beer-pouring chariot, spun by their own legs, some sort of blonde hair dyed and cackling centipede. What happened to The Rock’s tattoos?
The old Titans uniforms were hideous. They were the worst part of being a Titans fan. The two-toned blue mimicked the only two colors of the Wranglers Wal-Mart has available for purchase (dark and light blue). Actually, now that I’m really thinking about it, they fit the team perfectly. They played football in mismatched Canadian tuxedos.
But now those uniforms are gone, so now is the time to pick up that Chris Johnson jersey you could just never afford. The most unremarkable and forgotten team had the most unremarkable and forgotten uniforms. TITAN UP! “Smashmouth football,” they yell. Nobody cared until the Titans came back against Kansas City in the NFL Playoffs last year.
Anyway, this is Tennessee’s gritty reboot coming off the high-rising throes of their playoff victory.
The uniforms are pretty much the same. Except instead of running with the two-toned blue, Tennessee went with white and white, dark blue and white, and a brighter blue and white. They just made their blues more extreme. They also added a strip of gray on the shoulder pads and a dash of red because of the Tennessee state flag, I guess. The helmet is an even darker blue, probably called obsidian or “Titan stone” or something equally as dumb, to show that they really mean business now.
There was another uniform rebrand in the AFC South last week. The Jacksonville Jaguars went shopping and came back with something simpler and plainer than their previous duds. I don’t know what it was about the past. Once it hit 2000-whatever, everyone had to change things up all of the sudden to make them futuristic and new. I blame it on the iPods and this infatuation with outer space. It made me spike my hair in the front. It turned the Jaguars’ mean kitty-cat into a cartoon kitty and their helmets from a prowling Jaguar into a Jaguar head attached to a disastrous front to back gold to black. There was also some teal because of the 90s. I don’t remember the rest.
Their reboot was no-nonsense throwback to the basics. It’s a real blue jeans and white t-shirt look.
The Jacksonville Jaguars unveil their new uniforms. pic.twitter.com/KRFKEWLqBB— LeadingNFL ™ (@LeadingNFL) April 19, 2018
The Jags have gone primarily black and white, which isn’t very Jaguar-like. The teal is still there to be rummaged out of the armory for balls, cotillions, and other special occasions. All teal is available for those sweaty September nights. The numbers are sharp and pointy like the peaks of Rocky Mountains. The kitty is no longer plastered onto a shield. It now stands alone. Four of them are whatever. But the teal top and black pants rocks. ME-OW.
Sometimes there is an award show, and someone wears the same outfit that someone else wore previously. The horror! The horror! When this happens, the magazines people skim through at the grocery store checkout line but never buy will show both of these plastic people, and ask, “Who wore it better?”. I reply in my head, but never out loud.
These aren’t the same uniforms the Titans and Jags were . These are different. But the question is the same.
Who wore it better? The Titans or Jaguars?
Which new AFC South jersey do you like more?
This poll is closed