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Hair of the Dog - Texans v. Traitors (Or: The One Where UT Is Too Exhausted To Think Of A Clever Subtitle)

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Ever wonder what your favorite Texans bloggers are saying during the game? Keep reading and you’ll find out!

Houston Texans v Tennessee Titans Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images

Good morning. By the time I finish writing this post, I will have been awake for about 48 hours straight due to a really, really stupidly early flight home from Athens and having never bothered to go to sleep the night before so as to pack up.

Because of this, and the fact that I am currently hallucinating a couple of hedgehogs taking tea at a little hedgehog-sized table, this will likely not be my finest performance in chronicling the ramblings and insights of the BRB braintrust. Hell, I even just dozed off in the middle of writing the previous sentence. I also had no idea what was happening during the game until about midway through the third quarter and was not able to watch at all, so there will be a lamentable lack of context for some of these comments.

So with expectations, I hope, sufficiently lowered, here is this week’s “Hair of the Dog.” As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word “kitten.” If they aren’t, well, I blame the hedgehogs.

BFD

Who got burned?

(Ed. Note: Always an encouraging start to an email chain.)

BFD (again)

TD pass from Byard? WTH happened?

Capt Ron

Fake punt caught the Texans yawning in a hammock.

Capt Ron (again)

My “hawt takes” after one full game, and half of a quarter of game 2:

- The Texans are not ready to play football two weeks in a row.

- The offensive line might be worse than last year.

- Clowney will walk in free agency (he’s out for injury....again).

- I revise my season expectations to 5-11 for Houston.

- O’Brien may not be the head coach after the bye week.

- This team is an embarrassment to our fine city.

Titan Matt

[kitten] im [kitten]ed i cant watch gabbert throw some touchdown passes today

Capt Ron

I actually like the new Titans uniforms.

How sad for O’Brien to get roasted by his former mentor in week 1 and then smoked by his former protege in week 2.

So, any good offensive tackles coming out in the 2019 draft? Wait, Houston might actually have a shot at Oliver if they keep playing like this.

BFD

Anybody still defending BOB?

Capt Ron

Not from the fan base, but all 14 teams remaining on the schedule are firmly in his corner.

Vega (in a cameo appearance)

I don’t even think BOB’s mom is defending BOB.

Who would have guessed you need a functional offensive line?

Capt Ron

Watson and Hopkins decide to [kitten]-can O’Brien’s play and improvise off schedule for a touchdown.

Luke

That drive looked a bit better. I don’t know if his receivers aren’t getting open but Watson is holding the ball for a awfully long time.

BFD

It’s as if BOB refuses to scheme to force DW to get rid of the ball.

Vega

I’m just sitting on my couch, cradling my beer, and repeating “Watson is basically still a rookie, Watson is basically still a rookie, Watson is basically still a rookie...”

UT

Mom, Dad, I’m home. What’d I miss?

Vega

I just scared the crap out of my daughter when I screamed after that TD. In fairness, it was unexpected.

Now we get to see Blaine Gabbert in passing situations!

BFD

2017 Watson is back.

UT

So I’ve been on American soil for about 10 minutes and the Texans take the lead?

Y’all are welcome.

Capt Ron

Fuller really did great in focusing that ball in for the touchdown.

Vega

Yeah, thanks for leaving in the first place. [Kitten].

BFD

As we head to the end of this game, I can only wonder at which point will BOB make a stupid decision that will cost us the game.

MDC (in an even rarer cameo appearance)

Those screen pass calls suggest BOB is trying to do it now.

Gotta love a team where you can pinpoint in real time the playcalls that cost them the game.

BFD

17 seconds left? We should call a screen.

Capt Ron

Someone please tell Watson that they don’t stop the clock in the NFL to move the chains.

BFD

This is an embarrassing loss to a [kitten]y team with the worst QB in the league.

MDC

So how much longer does McNair pretend like BO’B isn’t a [kitten]y in-game coach? Six years? Ten?

Capt Ron

Reasons:

- Special teams surrenders a touchdown on a fake punt.

- Offensive line in the first half mailed it in from their hammocks.

- 11 penalties, including one from Clowney on the sidelines.

- Back-to-back screen passes for no gain to kill a drive late in the game.

- Pretty much the rest of the offensive play calling, where mostly “off-schedule improvisation” were the only positive results.

- “Close but no cigar” on turnover opportunities for the defense.

- Watson not throwing the ball out of bounds after finding nobody open, and trying for a game-winner with clock ticking away.

Titan Matt

I can’t wait to drink six beers do laundry and watch some blaine gabbert football.

Luke

Hey Will Fuller caught more than 5 passes in a game.

I’d ordinarily give out game balls here but again, I didn’t get to see the game at all so it would be all conjecture anyway. Award the game balls in your mind.

What do you think, BRB faithful? Think we’re totally off base on something? Of course you do. Good thing you have a comments section to let your voice be heard.

No hedgehogs allowed, please.