Hair of the Dog - Giants v. Texans (Dog Tired of This [KITTEN])

They say that a picture is worth 10,000 words (I don’t care that it’s usually 1,000; the original Confucian proverb says 10,000, so we’re going with that). So I won’t bore you with my thoughts on Sunday’s game, especially since pretty much everything I laid out can be found in Matt Weston’s excellent forthcoming Incompletions post.

Instead, I will just post a picture of our great brain genius, the offensive innovator we were promised, photoshopped as Brain from the cartoon series “Pinky and the Brain,” because that’s just how much of a brain genius our big, moist-headed coach is.

Besides, this week’s HotD is thin on submissions, so I don’t want to bog it down with excessive preaching about the failures of this team.

Hey Brain, what do you want to do this week?

Brain O’Brien: The same thing we do every week, Pinky...

TRY AND WIN A FOOTBALL GAME!

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe for work. The game itself, however, is still not safe for viewing. Ever.

Pre-Game Comments:

Capt Ron

I’ll be on a flight departing right about opening kickoff. I hope by the time I land that the game-thread title at halftime isn’t “Saquon in 60 Seconds.”

Houston really needs a win today. Go Texans!!

Weston

I’m super hungover and ready to party like it’s 2015 again.

Diehard Chris

DeAndre Hopkins wearing the Malcolm X tshirt entering NRG. I love it. Once someone tells Bob who that is I’m sure he’ll be angry about it, until he forgets.

First Quarter:

Kenneth L.

Texans starting with Greg Mancz at center and Nick Martin at LG. I like it because Kelemete has looked terrible

Texans kick a field goal despite getting into red zone (part of a theme). Texans lead 3-0

UT

GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

Weston

Yeah, the Kelemete benching is because of pass protection trouble. Blocking Jurrell Casey is hard to do. His hands have been awful to start the season so far.

Kenneth L.

Both of the TFL on defense were Nick Martin’s fault in zone blocking. He is not fast enough to get out in front of a defensive tackle

MDC (like seeing a unicorn)

Texans turning 1st & goal at the 5 into a FG is so BO’B

UT (to MDC)

We do not deviate from what has worked so well for us in the past.

MDC

Ol’ head coach Sisyphus.

Saquan Barkley scores a touchdown, easily, Giants lead 7-3.

UT

Saquan Barkley is going to be a [kitten]ing problem all day, isn’t he?

Weston

Barkley broke 4 tackles on that first possession. Sheesh!

Martin is playing center and Mancz is playing left guard for what it’s worth.

Second Quarter:

Weston

I’m trying to decide what I hate more, the lack of pass rush, or the lack of play action and using Deshaun Watson as a runner.

UT (to Weston)

It’s all terrible and stupid, why not both?

Weston (to UT)

Yes, but I’m an American so I have to find out what I hate more.

Giants kick a field goal, lead 10-3.

UT

Three false start penalties and we’re not even halfway through the second quarter.

Weston

I don’t know how you can commit a false start as a center

O’Brien is so bad at scheming to get anyone open

I’m at the point where they either need to move Davenport to left or bench him completely. For who? I have no clue.

So O’Brien’s offensive evolution he talked about in the preseason is just running the previous 2014-2017 offense where no one is schemed open and the quarterback sits in the pocket.

O’Brien challenges an eight-yard completion that should’ve been overturned probably but wasn’t.

UT

And now a challenge from ol’ Billy Boy.

This can’t miss.

Weston

Is J.J. Watt back?

He’s saved Houston this game.

Giants kick a field goal, lead 13-3.

Texans go three and out, Giants score touchdown on next possession, lead 20-3.

Weston

[kitten] this game

UT

Not sure who scored there, I was too busy checking an order I made on Amazon.

Jordan Thomas is one of our offensive leaders with his one catch for 39 yards.

Texans kick a sad field goal. Giants lead 20-6.

Halftime Thoughts:

UT

The lasting legacy of Bill O’Brien will be the field goal offense, I’m certain of this now.

Weston

This is a cute little lunch date we’re having [UT]

HALFTIME:

Davenport is lost at right tackle.

Rankin has been awesome at left this half.

O’Brien is forcing Watson to win purely from the pocket, still isn’t running play action, still isn’t using him as a runner, and still isn’t manufacturing open throws.

Watt has single handedly kept Houston in this win.

The defense can’t play soft zone because the ball gets out too quick and they can’t play man because their corners are bad and the pass rush unlike aliens doesn’t exist.

Tim

Yeah, but how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

Capt Ron

I just landed in Dallas. From reading the notes and seeing the score, it looks like flying into Dallas was the lesser of bad experiences to watching the first half of this game.

Who’s up for a big second-half comeback that falls short (again)?!!

MDC

I’m so glad I benched Calvin Ridley in a fantasy league. That’s the same league where I started Watson instead of Wentz.

Football is just dumb as hell all the way around today.

Third Quarter:

UT

Hot [kitten] a three and out.

That’s going to make the next field goal that much sweeter.

Weston

if it makes you feel any better MDC at least Ridley is giving it to BFD in his wrangler jacket today

Luke

Even if the Texans come back to win. Is the fact that this offense can suddenly crater at any moment not going to linger over this team for the rest of the season?

MDC (to Weston)

That does make me feel somewhat better.

UT

Someone remind me, is it Alfred or Albert Blue? I can’t seem to be bothered to remember his first name for some reason.

Will Fuller with a long run. FIELD GOAL HERE WE COME!!!

Luke

Holy [kitten] what was that tackle attempt on Will Fuller?

UT

But honestly, where’s Lamar Miller? Did he pull a Vontae Davis or something?

Fairbairn kicks a 54-yard field goal. Giants lead 20-9, but really, it’s the friends you make along the way that matters most.

MDC

Will Fuller flashing those Domer hands again.

Kill me. Please kill me.

Lamar Miller fumbles the ball.

UT

And Lamar Miller flashing no hands.

Kill me too.

MDC

Third TD for Ridley?

But at least I get to watch Lamar Miller “run”

I hit send right as Miller decided that holding onto the ball wasn’t a thing he enjoyed.

Yay, sports.

Vega

I just caught up with the game live. I swear if I see Lamar Miller up the middle again, I’m going to punch one of my kids.

Or a WR screen. Sorry, kid.

MDC

That [kitten]ing screen play. Just stop it.

UT (to MDC)

You know he won’t. I know he won’t. The [kitten]ing English-speaking world knows he won’t.

You have to admire that kind of consistency from him. I guess.

Fourth Quarter:

Deshaun Watson throws a bad interception in the end zone.

UT

[Kitten]. Me.

But [kitten] BOB first.

Weston

Well fellas that’s probably going to be it for this game and this season.

Vega

That’s not fair, [UT]. It’s not like you can scheme against pressure.

Weston

Was 2016 the glory to the all field goal offense season?

UT

I think so.

Texans score a touchdown, only to have it taken off the board by a Julien Davenport penalty.

Texans get a touchdown again. Giants lead 20-15.

Texans attempt a terrible two point conversion that fails.

Vega

I think Lamar Miller is actively trying to get BOB fired.

UT

Was that two point play designed by our special wet boy and brain genius extraordinaire BOB?

MDC (to Vega)

I don’t think Lamar Miller “actively” does anything football-related.

Weston

I don’t think Omameh knows how to tie his shoes.

UT

I think we just lost with that [Giants] first down.

Vega

You know what I could do without right now? A reminder of how badly Northwestern is going to get crushed next weekend.

Luke (to Weston)

Don’t you know I just spent a minute getting a gif off that entire shoe sequence.

MDC

Oh, [UT]. We lost a loooong time before that.

Weston

lol O’Brien calls a timeout to coax a challenge instead of just challenging it but challenges an 8 yard pass ealier in the game that means nothing.

I’m going to need that shoe gif Luke.

Giants score a touchdown almost effortlessly. Lead 27-15.

UT

Brain Genius O’Brien couldn’t manufacture 12 points in 2 minutes if his family’s life depended on it.

Kenneth L.

0-3 to start the season. Unbelievable .

MDC (to Kenneth)

Or totally believable.

UT

I have decided that I will start referring to our beloved coach as Brain O’Brien.

BFD

Another embarrassing performance by this offense. At least the defense tried to outdo them.

Luke

Biggest Brain O’Brien

BFD

He should not leave the stadium as head coach.

MDC

Brien O’Brain would also be acceptable.

Texans score a sad touchdown, Giants win 27-22.

Vega

Did the Giants really call a timeout there? Can’t take ‘em with you, I guess.

Post-Game Reactions:

Luke

It’s clear to me that Bill O’Brien can’t lead men quite like Mike Vrabel can. This and this alone is what is holding the Texans back.

The highlight of this game for me has been that solid minute I spent cackling in my room alone watching the Giants and the Giants’ training staff try to put a shoe on a dude.

Weston

At least this one only took three hours. Brian O’Bigbrain is something I’m here for.

MDC

You can’t have first and goal at the 5 and come away with a FG.

You can’t have multiple first-and-goal situations result in no TDs.

I mean you *can,* but then you’d be the Texans. And you’d lose.

I’m so glad they didn’t bother to address the offensive line in a meaningful way. That’s much more exciting.

Vega

My daughter just made this for me. It’s the O’Brien family coat of arms.

BFD

That is fantastic and sad, sorta like the Texans.

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

Offense: (derisive laughter). But I guess if we’re going to give one to someone on offense, I’ll go with Will Fuller who had a damn good game all things considered.

Defense: J.J. Watt got his first sacks since last year, three of them. So we’ll give him the ball this week.

Special Teams: Ka’imi Fairbairn with the bulk of the Texans’ scoring has to get it for special teams this week.

Over to you, Texans fans. Who gets the game ball from you? Does anyone? Who is the Pinky to Bill O’Brien’s Brain? Let us know in the comments below!