Hair of the Dog Playoff Edition: Colts/Texans; or, That’s All Dogs!

Welp, that’s it y’all. That’s how the Houston Texans’ season ended. Not with a bang or even a valiant comeback attempt that comes up short, but with a flatline almost from start to finish.

What we saw on Saturday is not becoming of a team that won 11 games. What we saw Saturday was, on a whole, little better than the wild card game against the Chiefs back in 2016. If it weren’t for a late touchdown to Keke Coutee that could’ve easily been ruled a touchback by referees with fewer active brain cells, it would’ve been the same as the Chiefs game, points-wise. Maybe next year with a full offense and a draft class of nothing but offensive linemen and cornerbacks, we’ll finally get to see the full potential of this team.

Oh, right, Bill O’Brien. Forgot. Never mind that last bit.

Let’s get to the dog because I have to clean out my locker room with a garbage bag just like anybody else who writes for this outfit.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. I cannot make the same assertion about watching the wild card game at work. You might get sent home for the day or something. I don’t know, I wouldn’t risk it personally.

Pregame Thoughts

BFD

Cmon, BOB! Let Watson’s peacock fly!!!

Capt Ron

I just ate at Pluckers for the first time. Much better quality of wing product and decent flavor options. I still lean toward Spicy Garlic (wet) and Chipotle (dry) from BWW as favorite flavors go, but Pluckers was overall a better wing.

I hope Watson, Hopkins, Watt and Clowney feast on the Colts the way I knocked down these wings!

UT

Aaron Colvin is inactive today which means we get Shareece Wright...against a team with T.Y. Hilton...who the Texans traditionally struggle with.

This can’t miss.

Weston (to UT)

It’s not even Hilton it’s Pascal, it’s Ebron, it’s Inman, it’s everyone!

Brett

This game will be entirely on Deshaun Watson. I have zero confidence in our ability to stop Luck, so if we don’t put up 30+ we’re [kitten]ed. Hopkins also needs to have the game of his life.

Luke

I’ll be writing a off-season primer if anyone needs me.

UT

Holy [kitten] they took Booger McFarland off his crane!

[Ed. Note: By halftime, I will come to greatly regret this.]

Luke

The Booger mobile is RIP.

First Quarter

UT

The game kicked at 1:35:48. Start the clock on the T.Y. Hilton deep bomb for a touchdown, please.

1/1 on third down conversions.

Brett

TY Hilton converts on a 3rd and 12 in Houston. Color me shocked.

UT

2/2 third down conversions.

1:42:35 for deep bomb not for a touchdown.

(Colts strike first, lead 7-0.)

Jeremy

That drive was way too predictable.

Capt Ron

Luck, Hilton and Ebron slice the Texans’ secondary apart like a blow torch through a pile of marshmallows.

Brett

I’ve seen this game before and I hate it.

Capt Ron

No interference on that deep pass to Hopkins?

Man, [kitten] the NFL’s corrupt refs.

UT

I’ll say one thing positive about this offensive starting drive: at least it didn’t begin with a run up the middle.

Capt Ron

Seriously, how was that not PI?!! The defender pulled him down before the ball arrived.

UT (to Capt Ron)

They were both handfighting for the ball, honestly it’s kind of a surprise they didn’t call Nuk for OPI or some [kitten].

Capt Ron (to UT)

Hand fighting is one thing, grabbing Hopkins jersey and pulling him down is another.

UT

3/3 third down conversion although with Mercilus giving the Colts a [kitten]ing gift, I’m not sure this should count.

BFD

[Kitten], now we also have to cut Mercilus.

(to Capt Ron) I will say that I think the Clots scoring first is the best case scenario for us. It instantly forces BOB to turn to the passing game, and the first play was a wonderful call. And, no, I don’t think it was DPI, either.

Capt Ron

RAC needs to dial up something other than “bend and allow a touchdown” today.

UT

Are we absolutely sure Frank Bush isn’t calling the shots on defense?

(Colts score again, lead 14-0.)

UT

Mood: Spring is only a couple months away, I should start looking at gardening stuff.

BFD

The Clots o-line is dominating our front four/five. [Kitten].

UT

This is [kitten]ing embarrassing.

Jeremy

Nothing about this game has surprised me yet. This is nearly exactly how I thought it would start.

Capt Ron

This game is over with 4 mins remaining in the first quarter. O’Brien and RAC should be run out of town. Outcoached right out of the gate....again!

MDC

I didn’t expect much of anything from the Texans and they are still managing to be far worse than I expected. They look like a [kitten]ing joke.

(to Capt Ron) This game has been over far longer than that.

BFD

Here’s the thing, though: Deshaun Watson is a [kitten]ing wizard. He can overcome the defense and [kitten]y playcalling. Maybe.

UT (to BFD)

He’ll have to. Nobody else is going to do him any favors.

Brett

[Kitten] the Titans. This is why I wanted them to win last week.

BFD

Throwing to Ryan Griffin and Lamar Miller up the middle is not the answer.

Also, when I type “Lamar Miller,” “up the middle” is the predicted text. LOL!

Luke

A lot of these formations are ripped stright from last years offensive playbook.

(Texans get their first first down of the game, immediately challenged by the Colts.)

BFD

Man, this one is close. To me, it looks like his foot is barely up when he catches it.

Jeremy

I paused it on my TV. It’s very close, could go either way, but I don’t think you can definitely say he didn’t get that first foot down.

Brett

I think it will stand, not confirmed

UT

Call stands per Twitter.

Capt Ron

A challenge on a first down in the first quarter by the Colts? They are trying to duplicate the 30-0 shellacking the Chiefs gave O’Brien. Spoiler: They may “up” that result.

UT

I guess if it’s not DeAndre or Ryan-the-[kitten]-Griffin, none of our receivers can catch a ball.

(Deshaun Watson intercepted by the Colts.)

BFD

The results aren’t good, but I’m so much happier with the playcalling today. Much more aggressive.

Interception.

[KITTEN].

UT

Deshaun picked off, ball at the fifty (or so).

This is the Chiefs game again.

Capt Ron

....and interception on fourth down. I love the aggressive call, but that’s a dumb play. Should have run Watson.

Luke

A TD here and I’m calling ball game.

Second Quarter

BFD (to Luke)

I’m not. Clots have had every break so far, and our QB isn’t Brian Hoyer. I don’t like the odds, and I hate the OC, but Deshaun Watson is a [kitten]ing wizard.

Mike

Man, no one on the Texans came to play...

Capt Ron

The Texans list of successful moments in the first quarter:

1. The Colts lost a challenge.

The end.

Second quarter begins now, and the autumnal mead is flowing in the stockades.

UT

4/4 on third down conversions.

BFD

Looking at the pick a couple times, it’s a terrible playcall against cover 2. The double hook in a small area right there allowed Moore to make the pick. So stupid.

(Watt deflects a pass and Dunn intercepts it. Texans ball.)

BFD

Brandon Dunn with the pick? Predictive text never saw that coming!

Luke

That’ll do it. Now the Texans need to score.

Brett

WE FINALLY DID A THING

Mike

Finally something goes our way.

UT

The Texans must get a touchdown here. All Field Goal Offense isn’t going to cut it.

Capt Ron

Watt with the tipped ball resulting in an interception by Dunn. Houston finally did something in the game with 13 mins remaining in the first half!

UT

And we immediately get an illegal formation penalty.

Luke

My idea of hell is being stuck in a room full of ad executives for GMC, Ford and Chevrolet come up with ad campaigns.

BFD

Good [Durga], the Clots’ defense knows the playbook better than Coutee does.

Capt Ron

::Marks bingo card for the run up the middle to nowhere::

(Texans forced to punt.)

UT

And we do [kitten] all on offense to capitalize on something we desperately needed to capitalize on.

The last thing I need to hear right now is “na na na na hey hey goodbye.”

I think GMC did this on purpose.

BFD

#WinningUgly

I remember writing about that this season...

White Sox:Texans::Orioles:Colts

Brett

Why the absolute [kitten] are we not running to the edges AT ALL.

Capt Ron

When the Texans hang the “AFC South Champions 2018” flag, they should immediately set it on fire, because it means absolutely nothing six days later.

BFD (to Brett)

Did you notice on the 1st and 15 how, when Griffin (I think) went into motion, both DTs went immediately to their respective A-gaps, ready for the run up the middle? IT’S LIKE THEY KNEW A RUN UP THE MIDDLE WAS COMING!

Mike (to BFD)

Cleveland has #MoneyBall we have #UglyBall

UT

Completely undefended, if that receiver didn’t fall down he’d have gotten six.

BFD

Frank Reich stepping on the gas. BOB would be running it up the middle.

UT

Justin Reid broke up what would’ve been 21-0 but I think he may have died in the process.

(Colts score again, lead 21-0.)

UT

Oh my [Durga] I’ve seen that play twice before. Shareece Wright, ladies and gentlemen.

Luke (to BFD)

Yeah sorry that’s ball game.

BFD

I don’t know how Shareece Wright doesn’t spontaneously combust on the field.

UT (to BFD)

Because that would be too good for him.

Capt Ron

Can we strap O’Brien and Shareece Wright to a raft and send them over a waterfall deep in South America?

Mike

Anyone have the graphic for number if times Bill O’Brien has come back from 21-0 at halftime?

If not, we can use this one:

UT

Deshaun Watson is our offense and our offense is Deshaun Watson.

At least it won’t be a shutout.

BFD

aLfReD bLuE iS tHe BeSt RuNnIg BaCk On ThE tEaM.

UT

Would anyone be surprised if we kicked a field goal here?

Capt Ron

Stringing first downs together finally. This might improve the stat sheet, but they’ll need a touchdown here instead of a field goal. 2 min warning.

Sack.

No call on the face mask.

(Texans go for it on fourth and one...)

Luke

Put JJ Watt in the wildcat and run it at them you cowards.

(...and fail to convert. Turnover on downs.)

BFD

I LOVE EMPTY SETS OMG LOLOLOLOL.

Capt Ron

Terrible throw by Watson short to Hopkins. Turnover on downs.

Mike

Called that...

BFD

Clowney back on the field, Hopkins heading to the locker room early.

UT

Do I hear 28-0 before the half?

Also, too, that’s what you want to see going into the half: your all-universe receiver going to the locker room early.

(Kareem Jackson called for DPI, probably saving a touchdown in the process.)

BFD

Kareem Jackson rookie year flashback.

Luke

Kjax just could not give a [kitten].

Capt Ron

Hopkins heads to the tunnel early.

The last time Houston suffered this much was during Hurricane Harvey. At least J.J. Watt rose to the occasion for that disaster.

Weston

I just caught up. [Durga] this secondary sucks so much, and you know what, maybe Bill O’Brien should have actually tried to score points during the middle part of the season instead getting caught trying to push it once Houston went down.

UT

5/5 on third down conversions.

Halftime Reactions

Luke

Oh [Durga] I wanted that Ebron throw to be a completion more than I wanted my next breath.

UT

Mood music: Don Henley - The Last Worthless Evening.

Mike

Whether it’s Brian Hoyer or Deshaun Watson under center, Bill O’Brien knows how to get embarrassed in the playoffs.

Weston

I’m super surprised by how well IND has run the ball this game.

BFD

Deshaun Watson has 18 attempts for 90 yards. When you consider what’s going wrong with this game on the offensive side, there it is.

Brett

The one time Houston got a third down stop, Watt got called for offsides.

[Kitten] this.

Weston

Also, I can’t believe Houston let the clock drain down to 2:00 instead of running an extra play there. They could have scored, got the ball back, scored, and had the ball again to start the second half.

UT (to Weston)

What in the entire first half of the Texans’ performance makes you think they could’ve scored once, let alone twice, the way they’ve played?

Capt Ron

R.E.M. “It’s the end of the world as we know it.”

I don’t feel fine though. I feel like the obvious and glaring concerns we criticized all season about this team are on display under the bright lights of an operating room and Frank Reich is directing the scalpel.

The national media doesn’t respect Houston because the Texans organization doesn’t respect themselves enough in situations like this pathetic exhibition.

Weston (to UT)

I don’t think they would have, but they didn’t even give themselves the opportunity to do so. Things like that absolutely can’t happen.

UT

This feels very much like a “you can’t fire the players so you have to fire the coach,” thing. Because they look [kitten]ing lost out there; they look like they have Brian Hoyer out there at QB again. It’s just flat out unacceptable...unless you’re Cal McNair in which case you don’t give a [kitten] because money is still flowing in.

Third Quarter

Weston

It really is hilarious how much better Deshaun Watson is than Bill O’Brien.

I would have fired him on spot for running the ball on second ten, but I would have already fired him for running a slant/flat combo on third down on their first possession.

Luke (to Weston)

What’s more probably annoying is that over the next few years is the Texans title window because they have Watson under a rookie contract.

Games like this are no longer wasting the primes of players like Hopkins and Watt, they are wasting their best chances to make a SB.

MDC

“We’re not built for 16-play drives.” -The Guy Who Routinely Throws Away Plays With Pointless Runs

BFD

This game is why BOB needs to be fired...into the sun.

Unless he gets Mularkey’d, we’re in for another year of this in 2019.

Weston (to BFD)

BFD he can’t even get Mularkey’d because they’re going to lose this game.

We could have an O’Briened where you get fired after losing a playoff game, but that’s happened plenty of times.

UT

Oh great they’re reading those [kitten] Capt. Andrew Luck tweets. Kill me.

7/7 on third downs.

BFD

Clowney has not looked the same since he went off the field. He couldn’t beat me off the line right now.

Weston

We’re at the [kitten]ing about the Pro Bowl part of the blowout

BFD

It’s only 21 points. We are still in this game. Not good odds, BOB sucks, but I believe in Deshaun.

(Texans flagged after getting a first down, nullifies play.)

UT

Texans get a first down so that clearly can’t count.

Weston

lol that holding on Martin is just a tamer version of the same play everyone is blowing Nelson over

BFD

Wait, Reid made a play on Ebron later. He’s now out?

UT (to BFD)

Yeah, done for the day (season).

Weston

Houston still isn’t ready for the slot corner blitz Indy trapped Houston in when they played last time.

UT

In BOB’s three wild card games, the Texans have been outscored 27-65, and those 27 points all came against an Oakland Raiders team that was more fraudulent than ours.

Fourth Quarter

UT

::sees sun growing larger in the sky, consumes earth::

Thank [Durga].

Weston (to UT)

Clowney was soooooo good in that game against Connor Cook

Jeremy

As easy as it is to blame BOB, I don’t think you can blame BOB for Deshaun playing WAY below par. He’s just missing easy throws. And the fact that the Colts have played nearly flawless football.

UT (to Jeremy)

You’re right, this is easily Deshaun’s worst day as an NFL quarterback, but BOB is not innocent in this farrago of [kitten].

BFD

Then, D’Onta Foreman up the middle. FFS.

UT

All I can think right now is “how do we [kitten] this up?”

Capt Ron

No sense of urgency or up-tempo down by 21.

(Watson connects with Keke Coutee for what may or may not be a touchdown.)

UT

If this is a touchback, I’m going to kill myself.

Weston

(To UT) Nah, he was worse in the WSH game earlier this year. He just didn’t have to do anything at all.

Hahahaha this is going to get turned back.

Capt Ron

The touchback rule in the end zone is the dumbest thing since some beverage company came up with Zima. Or maybe Zumba classes. Or that Chevy tailgate commercial.

(Call stands. Texans score, Colts lead 21-7.)

UT

IT’S NOT A SHUTOUT! IT’S NOT A SHUTOUT!

Weston

Wow. He did fumble, but [kitten] yeah, let’s party baby.

Jeremy

I hope Keke can find a way to stay healthy next year. A full season with Keke-Fuller-Hopkins could be the best WR corps in the league.

UT

No player [kitten]s me off, possibly in all sports, as TY Hilton does.

Weston

finally some [Durga] [kitten] pass rush

UT

Only took them 3 1/3 quarters to get it.

I. Will. Not. Get. My. Hopes. Up.

I. Will. Not. Get. My. Hopes. Up.

I. Will. Not. Get. My. Hopes. Up.

I. Will. Not. Get. My. Hopes. Up.

I. Will. Not. Get. My. Hopes. Up.

I. Will. Not. Get. My. Hopes. Up.

Weston

Deshaun Watson is so [Durga] [kitten] [kitten]ing good, [kitten].

Capt Ron

I envision Watt telling the head referee that if he doesn’t flag the Colts for holding that he’s going to disembowel him and eat his raw intestines at the 50 yard line on national TV.

#GoT’d

UT

Watson throws it to...nobody.

And the MNF crew could not sound more thrilled.

Capt Ron

I’m trying to think of an example of who had a worse day at the office than O’Brien did today. Perhaps the guy who mapped out JFK’s tour of Dallas?

[Ed. Note: The driver for Archduke Francis Ferdinand of Austria in 1914.]

(Texans lose 21-7 in a game that wasn’t even that close.)

Postgame Reactions

UT

As long as Bill O’Brien is the head coach, this is what we are and will be.

Weston

Bill O’Brien should have tried to score points when they played teams that had to run the ball instead of doing just enough so the offense would be better prepared to play shootout with the swamp thing.

Capt Ron

Post-game reaction? I’m heading back to Big Bend to enjoy some peace and quiet away from civilization even if the park is closed due to the government shutdown. Heh, the government shutdown has been more exciting than that diaper of chili that O’Brien tossed out there today for all the world to change the channel on.

Start the draft talk!

Luke

Man, I can’t wait to tell you guys about the 3rd round running back I expect the Texans to draft.

Game Balls

Nope. Just nope. Not for this game.

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