Hair of the Dog: Texans-Chiefs

I’m writing this while listening to the Astros game and trying not to get really mad at the lack of offense I’ve seen from them this postseason. But I’m optimistic. I’m optimistic. Why? Because our Houston Texans went into Kansas City, one of the most difficult places to play, and not only won but looked really good doing it. They scored 31 points and played like we’ve been expecting the Texans to play since Deshaun Watson became the starting quarterback.

31 points, and you know what the amazing part is? They left points on the field. There were four easily catchable passes that should have gone for even easier touchdowns if it weren’t for the fact that DeAndre Hopkins and Will Fuller forgot how to catch deep bombs. We could’ve easily had another fifty-burger if those four passes get caught, and make no mistake, there is no reason that those passes shouldn’t have been caught. But while that was annoying, the fact that for the second week in a row Deshaun Watson remained vertical the entire game made my dumb, old heart happy. Really happy.

The defense made enough (although I’m still not ready to forgive the secondary for looking downright wretched at times) timely plays to keep the Chiefs from getting into the end zone too much, giving the offense enough space to just run roughshod over the Kansas City defense.

And Bill O’Brien, dare I say, had another really good day of calling the offense. Do I still problems with O’Brien? Sure, that pass interference challenge wasn’t great, but at least it wasn’t a brain fart at a critical time of the game, which has happened before. If this is the offense the Texans are capable of, and O’Brien is capable of utilizing it like this on a weekly basis, it could be the start of something new. Something better than we’ve seen before.

This...this feels different, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

Now, onto this week’s Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. Given some of the swearing that happened this week, this censorship required a little bit of creativity to enforce.

Enjoy!

Pre-Game Discussion:

UT

Let the Carlos Hyde revenge game begin!

Dan Fouts as color guy today, I’m glad I won’t be able to hear him obsess over Mahomes today.

”Houston, We Don’t Have A Problem” [kitten] ALL the way off with that.

Weston

Whoa, buddy. This is the Martinas Rankin revenge game in this household.

UT

Martinas Rankin does not exist anymore. Those who do not exist cannot have revenge. Carlos Hyde can get his revenge.

Weston

Rankin is the one who should be upset. It sounded like Houston phased him out of competition for not being an O’Brien guy, and Hyde is just someone who spent a summer in Kansas City and moved onto a better place.

UT

If he wasn’t an O’Brien guy, then he had no business being here in the first place. His very existence was not putting the team first.

First Quarter:

Weston

Good point. I’m glad Nick Martin is and Jadeveon Clowney isn’t.

This is the most excited I’ve been for a Houston game, since, phew, ugh, Houston-New England week 14 or whatever 2012. This isn’t going to end well.

UT

Oh it’s going to end in disaster and we’ll have nobody but ourselves to blame for it.

I usually dislike the secondary, I have a feeling I’m going to hate the living hell out of them today because shootout.

(Bill O’Brien challenging PI)

Bill, no, stop, what is you doing?!

Weston

”Excellent challenge by Bill O’Brien.”

Those are cursed words.

UT

Siri show me a contradictory sentence.

Call stands. grape job BOB.

And then the Chiefs get OPI on the next play anyway.

Weston

lol what a make up call

O’Brien hasn’t watched another NFL game this season. They never overturn anything.

UT

First and 25 and there’s no doubt in my mind that the Chiefs will convert this somehow.

Luke

I’m currently in NYC eating this and begging for the TV’s here to not show me the Texans game because I don’t want my day ruined.

UT

Is that a banh mi?

BFD

Bahn mi!

Luke

(to UT) Yup

UT

Banh mi!

Weston

WTF

(Chiefs score the first touchdown of the game, and we will see this all day long. Texans trail 7-0.)

UT

That’s how that drive was destined to end.

Weston

I was typing out what in the world is Andy Reid doing against this Houston defense with all these screens and quick passes when Phillip Gaines and Lonnie Johnson Jr. are the starting cornerbacks. Throw it deep. And there it is.

UT

One of the TVs is showing horse racing from Belmont Park, I can only assume a truly degenerate gambler is on the premises.

Frank Clark barely got a finger on the ball and it came right out. Grape job, Hyde.

Weston

CARLOS HYDE REVENGE GAME

BFD

The best thing about this start is Watson will have to throw a lot of passes.

Weston

Julien Davenport is better than Cameron Erving

UT

(Chiefs kick a field goal, lead 10-0.)

10:22 AM

Heh heh, Buttker.

You take the victories where you can get them, and the only victories we seem to get are “heh heh Buttker.”

Weston

lol 121 to -5 yards

HOUSTON TEXANS FOOTBALL

UT

ARE YOU MOTHER[KITTEN]ING KIDDING ME?!?!

Weston

Putting on my galaxy brain hat real fast, the Texans going down early is kind of good? because it means Houston will actually throw the ball instead of trying to win it in a way that they can’t.

UT

::rips galaxy brain hat off:: Not if we keep trying to give the Chiefs the ball back.

Weston

you can’t challenge that though

Love Andy Reid pulling the challenge flag out of his butt crack

UT

Honestly, I wouldn’t have blinked if he had challenged it and it had somehow gone their way.

Just right off the fingers there.

Fuller should’ve totally had that ball.

(Texans attempt a field goal and somehow succeed. Chiefs lead 10-3.)

Weston

Will Fuller’s speed giveth and his hands taketh away Psalms 420:69

UT

Truly inspiring stuff.

Where? Where? Where? Where? Where? Where was the pass interference?

Now would be a good time to mention how much I dislike Jahleel Addae as a football player.

Weston

BIG TYRANN MATHIEU ENERGY from Addae on every seven yard tackle

I’m dying for Houston to move J.J. Watt to the opposite side to rush against Cameron Erving.

UT

We’re gonna get boatraced aren’t we?

Weston

They have to tackle better. You can’t give KC additional yards.

UT

(to Weston) Exactly, that’s what the refs are for.

Weston

lol

BFD

Nobody better designs screens than Reid.

(Touchdown Chiefs, lead 17-3.)

UT

This is going to end in tears.

Weston

Battle Red Blog

The Film Room: Do You Like Screen Passes?

Matt Weston breaks down the staple of Kansas City’s offense, the screen pass, by looking at examples from the Texans’ 27-20 loss in Week One.

Sep 18th, 2015

We’ve been doing this for way too long

BFD

LOLOLOLOLOL, Big Matt!

UT

I don’t care who you are, that’s funny.

My [Durga] I just realized we’re still not even out of the first quarter.

Weston

I love Brandon Dunn chasing Williams down on that screen pass. Sure, that could have been Jadeveon Clowney but who cares.

BFD

How about that hot read, Big Matt?

Weston

Also Whitney Mercilus is a big play pass rusher and doesn’t constantly rush the passer and is wasting his matchup against Erving.

Yeah that was pretty hot. Coutee and Watson are still not fully there though. They need to go backpacking through West Texas together.

BFD

That’s your answer for EVERYTHING.

UT

That sounds like a sitcom that lasts maybe one season.

Weston

It’s the ONLY answer for anything.

I don’t know how you can get more than a movie out of 30 miles 3 days 2 nights and olives at the salad bar

Second Quarter:

UT

Matt, they made a movie out of a guy trapped under a rock for 10 days, they can make a sitcom about wandering the wilderness.

Matt Burnham

Imagine a world where Will Fuller has real WR hands.

BFD

Great play call to start the second quarter. It’s almost as if BOB remembers he has Watson.

Weston

[kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitten] that was against Tyrann Mathieu too

Matt Burnham

Mathieu is getting smoked but Fuller dipped his hands in olive oil and forgot to rinse off

Could be two TDs but hey close football games aren’t fun

UT

This is going to be a great field goal.

Matt Burnham

Okay that works

UT

LOLOLOL

Weston

LFG

Matt Burnham

He wasn’t supposed to make the extra point because good things can never come in whole pieces

Weston

I wrote exactly about that in the preview. KC’s linebackers are [kitten] and the best way to score against them is to attack them specifically.

(Watson toss to Duke Johnson for a touchdown, missed extra point. Texans trail 17-9.)

UT

We have to talk about Ka’imi.

Matt Burnham

Ka’imi Fairbairn? More like... Ka’imiss Fieldgoals HAHAI’ll see myself out the door

UT

NO! DON’T GO! I NEED THE CONTENT!

I know he’s only the kicker but at what point do the Texans admit that this inability to do the most basic of things is becoming a serious problem?

Oh my [Durga] [kitten] these penalties.

Matt Burnham

Penalties

Dropped touchdown

Can’t stop third downs

I may have won a game doing those things in madden once but other than that they don’t usually succeed

Weston

So far they are doing everything you shouldn’t do to beat KC and are only down by 8. Their passing offense is kind of sloppy so far.

UT

Of course that’s not going to count because [kitten] you.

Matt Burnham

We don’t deserve good things. I thought we did. I was wrong.

UT

This game is going to give a stroke.

These refs are going to give me a [Durga][kitten] stroke.

Matt Burnham

Oh okay maybe we do.

Weston

Lonnie Johnson Jr. is the multiverse Kevin Johnson

(Texans intercept, refs call DPI, refs rescind DPI. Pick stands.)

Weston

hahahaahah lol wtf

CBS is 100% paying off these refs to show as many commercials as possible for their autumn carved diarrhea new fall lineup

[Durga] I [kitten]ing hate Tryrann Mathiue

UT

Dammit Big Matt, I’d entirely forgotten about that autumn carved [kitten] until you reminded me and now I have to kill you.

Weston

I got some summer tossed shrimp salad in the fridge for you to make up for it

UT

(to Weston)

Getty Images/EyeEm

Matt Burnham

Beautiful job by Houston to set up Fairbairn.

Didn’t age well ^

UT

Holy [kitten] they went for it.

Holy double [kitten] it succeeded!

(Carlos Hyde took the ball into the end zone for a touchdown! Two point conversion is successful. Texans down 17-16.)

Matt Burnham

Madden would have suggested to go for two there. Just saying.

Weston

Great call going for it. Great job attacking the Chiefs’ linebackers. This game has gone as bad as it could, and as good as it can go at the same time.

UT

Pretty much this. This truly is Carlos Hyde’s revenge game.

Matt Burnham

That’s kind of what the Texans are

They’re the worst good team and the best bad team

Weston

I want this to be clear. I am very happy right now the Texans are only down by one point.

UT

Considering how badly they’ve played on defense and the three blind mice who are playing the roles of the refs, I totally didn’t expect them to be this close at this point in the game.

Matt Burnham

And just like that here we are

UT

Three blind refs. Three blind refs. See how they flag.

Weston

Stop rushing Watt against Schwartz [Durga] [kitten]

Matt Burnham

[Kitten]. Almost

UT

Of course that doesn’t count because we caught it.

Matt Burnham

Hahaha no way

What is this game

What is life

(Chiefs missed a field goal. Texans trail 17-16 still.)

UT

This drive doesn’t make sense.

Weston

This is the first time Roby has covered Hill well. Nice job by Roby to play the ball.

UT

That’s fine, Howard, the Texans didn’t need those five yards.

Weston

Laremy Tunsil v. Frank Clark is a nasty pass block battle

UT

We like a [kitten]ing challenge.

Holy crap a penalty going our way.

Matt Burnham

How many total penalties so far? This is wild

Weston

That’s an awful call on Breeland

Remember the refs hate the Texans

UT

I’m not sure, but however many it is, thank goodness those flags are reusable.

So when do they finally call a penalty on roughing up Watson?

Weston

If there is a white linebacker on the field there’s a 99% chance he’s from Iowa

UT

(to Burnham) 14 flags combined so far today, and we’re only at the half.

Weston

Ogbah holding him is so [kitten]ing hilarious

Matt Burnham

Imagine going for a home run ball on fourth and one.

Weston

KICK THE 57 YARD FIELD GOAL COWARD

UT

Arm punt.

THAT should’ve been pass interference.

Matt Burnham

No way

Weston

Thank [Durga] that wasn’t Tyrann Mathieu

(Patrick Mahomes strip sacked by Omenihu, Texans recover at the Chiefs’ three yard line.)

Weston

BIG PLAY OMENIHU

BFD

I really like the more aggressive play calling.

Weston

He and Reader have provided the interior rush Houston has never had

(Deshaun Watson runs the ball in for a touchdown! Texans get the lead 23-17.)

Weston

Really, the only thing Houston hasn’t done this game that they needed to is tackle well

Halftime Reactions:

Weston

PERFECT HALF, aside from the bad tackling and Carols Hyde fumble, the Rankin-Hyde trade was win-win (even if i miss Martinas and never got to know him), Bill O’Brien’s done a great job attacking the Chiefs’ awful linebackers, Will Fuller owes us all for dropping that burnt Tyrann Mathieu TD, Bradley Roby is covering Tyreek Hill well for the first time in his career, Patrick Mahomes is missing some arm strength, rush J.J. Watt v. Cameron Erving.

UT

I just saw that the Texans apparently rolled up on Mahomes’ ankle again. I wonder if that’s part of why he has looked mortal in the second quarter?

Also, I hate to even broach the subject but has BOB learned how to call an offensive gameplan?

Weston

Yeah, McKinney got him earlier. He seems to be missing some oomf. Also KC’s run offense isn’t the same without Mitch Morse, and their injuries, and they rely on Mahomes to carry them more than they did last season.

Third Quarter:

UT

Please stay aggressive BOB.

Tytus Howard is hurt.

Please let it just be a cramp.

Looks like a non-contact injury. This is bad.

Weston

(to UT) I don’t think you can have a cramp in your knee

UT

(to Weston) I thought he was grabbing around to the back of the leg at first.

They’re bringing out a cart for him. He’s done.

Oh lord they just replayed it and that looks baaaaaaaaaaaaad.

BFD

[kitten]. Sadness.

UT

Roderick Johnson, come on down! You’re the next contestant on “Houston’s Next Offensive Tackle.”

Diehard Chris

Texans playing actual man-ball today

UT

It is very mansome.

Diehard Chris

Run game and short pass as run

Love it

Matt Burnham

Dude

Come on

UT

Come the [kitten] on Fuller!

Matt Burnham

3 TDs dropped

UT

There is literally no excuse for those drops.

Diehard Chris

What in the [kitten] Will

BFD

Whomever replaced BOB as the OC is calling a great game.

Weston

Fuller has as many dropped TDs as TDs he had last week

Matt Burnham

Oh my [Durga]

This is cancer

UT

We need to talk about Ka’imi.

Diehard Chris

JESUS [KITTEN]ING CHRIST

UT

That is four (4!) points off the board because of the Kicker Who Couldn’t Kick Straight.

Diehard Chris

I WILL DIE THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATE KICKERS

And to this point they haven’t so much as brought in anyone to compete have they

Matt Burnham

If your last name begins with an F this loss is on you

Diehard Chris

Because of this [kitten] idea that he is mentally fragile I guess

Weston

Football needs more kicking in it. It’s called FOOTball.

This is what Houston gets for cutting Trevor Daniel.

UT

Counterpoint: If basketball can survive without literal baskets, football will live without kickers.

And now Roby’s hurt.

We may win this game possibly, theoretically, in a hypothetical sense, but it’s gonna cost us half our [kitten] team at this rate.

Weston

At least a basket can be a metaphor

UT

So can a foot.

Matt Burnham

I’d prefer tackles

UT

Tytus Howard is “questionable.”

Weston

Patrick Mahomes has that Matt Schaub arm strength this game

UT

About to lose the lead again.

And Roby has a hamstring problem.

(Chiefs passing TD. Texans losing 24-23.)

UT

It should be Texans 27-24 but I can’t imagine where those four points could’ve gone

::glares angrily at Fairbairn::.

Weston

I’m one more failed Mercilus spin move against Cameron Erving while Watt gets locked down on the other side from pulling this bus around.

UT

Hey, Fuller actually caught a ball. How novel!

Best run of the day so far for Hyde there.

Weston

The Chiefs are really out here changing out to a 3-4 with a safety in the box. Their front is lost.

Houston can actually do the thing this second half where they limit KC possessions and play some keepaway.

TEDDY BRIDGEWATER 4-0 FRANCHISE QUATERBACK

Mathieu has been covering Hopkins in man this drive. I think Hopkins has four first downs against him this half.

Matt Burnham

That makes checks notes 4 dropped TDs today

UT

Does everybody have the [kitten]ing dropsies near the end zone today?!

BFD

Yikes, Hopkins.

Matt Burnham

You got to be kidding me

UT

The [kitten] was that?

Matt Burnham

This game sucks

Good things aren’t possible

(Interception in the end zone. Chiefs get ball at the 20.)

UT

That was a real [kitten], Watson.

Weston

That was an awesome press by Ward v. Hopkins. Even Jalen Ramsey can’t boss Hopkins around at the LOS like that.

Hopkins drop v. Mathieu on second down was hideous.

Matt Burnham

Four dropped TDs. What even...

Fourth Quarter:

UT

The Chiefs do not need your help, J.J.

Wow...a stop.

He had every chance to grab that ball and didn’t. If they overturn this then nothing matters.

Diehard Chris

BOB about to lose his [kitten] if this one gets overturned

Weston

I’m putting a fist through the coffee table if this gets overturned. It never does. Also, Mahomes ball placement has been [kitten] this game.

UT

He won’t be the only one.

(Chiefs challenging the lack of pass interference call on the field. Call stands.)

Weston

Andy Reid Andy Reiding in the fourth quarter of a close game

UT

JORDAN AKINS IS OUR NEW DEEP THREAT!

THIS IS CANON NOW.

Matt Burnham

What’s the record for total penalties in a game

Weston

I think KC has had one play with QB pressure and it was negated by a defensive holding penalty

UT

26 in 2017.

Weston

Nick Martin sure as [kitten] snaps it whenever he wants to

UT

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuke.

How many ineligible man penalties can one team get in a game?

Weston

It’s the new market inefficiency

Matt Burnham

This is disgusting to watch

UT

Can we please, for the love of Durga, STOP WITH THE [DURGA][KITTEN]ING PENALTIES!

Diehard Chris

All these dropped TDs and penalties- on the road, in KC, and 4 has them in perfect position to steal one. Again.

(Deshaun Watson with another rushing touchdown. Texans re-take the lead 29-24. Two point conversion successful! Texans lead 31-24!)

Weston

YASSS SLAY KING SLAY OMG

Diehard Chris

No JJo. No Roby (right?)

Andy Reid is smart enough to abandon the run.

So this will be a fuuuuun 6 minutes

Weston

So Houston is up by 7, with no pass rush, a secondary composed of Justin Reid, Tashaun Gipson, Lonnie Johnson Jr. Jr. and Philip Gaines

Honestly just let them walk in and play for the GW score and let Watson get the chance to pull off the reverse of what always happens to him

UT

Does anybody know how many penalties have been called in this game?

Weston

Screen passes are a waste of time with the Texans’ cornerback injuries Andy

hahaaha they then they run it on 2nd and 14

what a dumb[Kitten] hahahahaha

UT

Jacob Martin did a thing sorta.

Matt Burnham

What is this

UT

Now we need to grab ‘em by the nose and kick ‘em in the [kitten].

Matt Burnham

Did Andy Reid just Bill O’Brien this game?

Weston

RUN THE BALL. ICE IT. LET’S GO HOME.

In no universe should the Chiefs ever get this ball back

UT

Bill O’Brien, this is the moment you’ve been waiting for, grind that [Durga][kitten] clock!

Weston

Hahaha if he comes out and throws 3 incompletions in a row I’m leaving all of this, selling everything, and slicing off my umbilical chord with society

UT

But that’s your retirement plan!

Weston

GAME OVER

UT

Could we maybe run the clock without risking Deshaun Watson’s life?

Weston

Yeah, but the plan was to hang on for a little bit longer before I say BOOYAH

UT

That should not be legal.

Weston

Andy Reid absolutely blew it and Bill O’Brien 100% outcoached him and reality is a lie and a myth and the Texans are a Super Bowl contender hahaha wtf is going on

UT

Let’s not go nuts here Big Matt.

BFD

I love Deshaun Watson, and I do mean in that way.

Matt Burnham

Andy got Brain’d by Brain

UT

I think my wife would leave me for Deshaun Watson and I’d be okay with that.

For that matter, I think I’d leave my wife for Deshaun Watson and I think she’d understand that too.

Diehard Chris

4 can win this game on his own now. [Kitten] a kicker

Weston

THERE IS NO [DURGA] ONLY DESHAUN WATSON AND OFFENSIVE SUPER GENIUS BILL O’BRIEN

UT

That was gross.

Diehard Chris

Remember in DW’s rookie year we were all screaming for BOB to trust him to end games instead of running up the centers’ back?

OMG [KITTEN] KICKERS NO I CANT WATCH

BFD

I’m just shocked, absolutely shocked, that BOB has been able to finally adapt to Watson. I never thought it would happen. That said, the last two defenses we’ve played suck, but you can still see the changes.

Diehard Chris

So right now. You have to kick it right?

BFD

Yep.

UT

[KITTEN] NO!

Diehard Chris

They should just release him if they don’t kick there

Holy [kitten] guys

WOWOWOWIW

UT

Victory formation?

Victory formation!

VICTORY FORMATION!!!!!

BFD

Kitten and yes. I cannot believe this is the same HC.

(TEXANS WIN 31-24! GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!)

Post-Game Reactions:

BFD

BOB was kidnapped by aliens.

Diehard Chris

So - am I forgetting one or is that two weeks in a row with no sacks?

UT

If he was, can we keep the pod person they left us?

Weston

I think it was Diehard Chris.

Game Balls:

Yes, this week the Texans are deserving of some game balls.

Offense - Deshaun Watson is the easy choice, as he was making the offense run like a finely tuned sports car.

Defense - Let’s give this one to Charles Omenihu for his strip-sack of Patrick Mahomes, which led to the big swing in the Texans’ favor.

Special Teams - I reject the premise.

So what say y’all? Got a paean to the offense you want to write? Still think we’re being too negative? Let us have it in the comments!