clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Houston Sports Ministry of Information Week Seven Preview - Indianapolis Colts

This is only source of information guaranteed by Houston Sports Ministry of Information to be factually accurate and informative. You read now.


Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:

Comrades! We are happy to report our glorious Houston Texans, which football world revolves around, was victorious over loathsome and wholly inept Kansas City Chiefs! Is little to be impressed with over last week’s game, however. Chiefs were allowed, we presume by flag-happy referees who hate Motherland and probably stomp on teddy bears of children for own sick amusement, to score 24 points against vaunted Texans defense; while our offense, mighty juggernaut which inspires equal parts horror, dread, and awe in our enemies, only scored paltry 31 points. Is pitifully low number of points compared to 54 points scored against Jacksonville and 82 points against Carolina. Dip in offensive production cannot stand, and indomitable Hero of Texans Offense, Field Marshal Deshaun Watson has given word that such weak performance by offense will not happen again.

We stand in great admiration of Houston’s football heroes!

While great adulation is due to Field Marshal, we must not forget to show people’s gratitude to Carlos Hyde, who strangled life out of lifeless Chiefs defense one monstrous run at time.

This now put to rest any thought that Chiefs are any match for People’s Football Team of Texas! In fact, Texans’ dominance over Chiefs has had such demoralizing effect that weakling Mahomes gave up in middle of irrelevant Thursday Night game immediately afterwards! Is one thing you can count on, comrades—that people, and sports teams, of Mother Houston will never quit!

But this is no time for self-congratulation. To do so is to fail to put team first, and the Texans are too clever, too humble, and too great for such a shallow act. Let us now look forward to the next week and the next opponent, if you can call them that. The horse children of Indianapolis.

While we at Ministry, who are never wrong and have never told lie, condemn Mahomes as weak-willed quarterback who can’t even finish game, we have nothing but scorn for horse children’s former quarterback, who couldn’t even be bothered to pull himself out of bed by bridle at beginning of season, abandoning his team, city, and possibly what little amounts of hygiene he ever possessed in first place. Andrew Luck retired before season began, giving horse children no time to find suitable candidate to replace him; instead, baby horses have settled on literal slab of meat to call plays on field.

Coward, for there is no other word for him, Andrew Luck should consider himself extremely fortunate; typically when horse comes out lame and can’t perform, horse gets shot. Texans quarterback doing something as unthinkably selfish as this would at least have decency to sit down in middle of Hermann Park and light himself on fire to atone for misdeeds. But Ministry of Information supposes not everybody is cut out to be Texans quarterback.

From this day forward, all right-thinking fans and players of Houston Texans when referring to former Indianapolis quarterback shall call him Coward Andrew Luck and Neckbeard of Shame. He should be remembered for nothing else. Instead of Coward Andrew Luck and Neckbeard of Shame, horse children will have literal slab of beef called Jason Brisket (or something like that; Ministry has deemed correct name of quarterback immaterial to missive) calling plays under center.

Would be easy to dismiss this team out of hand as broken relic of inglorious past that should be erased from existence under normal circumstances. If this happened to New York Jets or Minnesota Vikings, game would not have significance it does. Why? Because Motherland demands justice against those who have wronged it—past, present, and future. And none have wronged Mother Houston more than fascist Reich. Is incumbent upon all those loyal to football loving fans and players of Houston Texans to stand against corrupt and despicable Reich at all times.

Why? Leaving aside football crimes he’s committed against Houston, for which Roger Goodell refuses to read petition to have him drawn and quartered live on national television, his philosophy on football is antithetical to easy-going coaching style of glorious leader Comrade Marshal Bill O’Brien. In previous victory by Texans, child horses went for it on fourth down for no good reason other than to appease fascist Reich’s vanity. He sacrificed good of team, fans, everything simply because he wanted to show he was right. Coaches have important duty to do what is best for team and fans, not for self. We regret that fascist Reich may never learn this.

As there is little to concern ourselves with in passing game, save for T.Y. Hilton, who is merely figment of media’s imagination designed to make Texans look bad, brunt of horse children’s offense will come from Marlon Mack, who is, in fact, fish. Much like in classic cartoon show “Animaniacs” where chicken pretended to be human, wearing human clothes and doing human activities, so goes Marlon Mack, or his full given name: Marlon Mackerel. While most teams would struggle to hold onto and tackle something as slippery as fish, stout Texans defense is more than able to defend against run, so much so that most teams don’t even bother running after about five minutes of game time.

On offense, Texans should be able to move ball with little difficulty. Only possible issue is baby horse linebacker, Darius Leonard, who has never quite been same since he and Blowfish split up in the 90s. During playoff game, where Texans were wrecking shop against baby horses, only sore spot was Leonard, who insisted on causing problems for offensive line, usually by reciting lyrics from first CD, “Cracked Rear View.” This match-up will be different! Our offensive line, now stronger, more virile and built for luxury as well as power, will be outfitted with headphones that will cancel out mediocre 90s band music and replace them with Slayer lyrics; that is, when they aren’t receiving instructions from Field Marshal Watson.

This game will be blowout and yet another substantial victory for Mother Houston and all loyal fans of Houston Texans.