Hair of the Dog: Texans-Colts

The brain is an amazing thing. It can protect a person from unpleasant memories by burying them deep in the subconscious. That is exactly what my brain is doing to me in regards to Sunday’s game against the Colts.

So I won’t mention it here; you can read about it below. Instead, I will simply state the following happy joyjoy news of extreme goodness:

THE ASTROS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!
THE ASTROS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!
THE ASTROS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!
THE ASTROS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!
THE ASTROS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!
THE ASTROS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!
THE ASTROS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!
THE ASTROS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!
THE ASTROS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!

Now onto the Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this post safe for work. And that took some work this week.

Enjoy!

And the Astros are in the World Series.

First Quarter:

UT

Ah, a traditional BOB staple, running right into the middle of the pile.

Not a traditional BOB staple: finding an open man and getting a first down on the opening drive.

Weston

I’m really excited for today. I’m properly hungover. This is going to be devastating.

UT

I didn’t get to bed until about a quarter to two last night poring over all the Astros stuff on Twitter.

They’re going for it!

Wait how are they fourth and six?!

BFD

I don’t even recognize BOB anymore. He has been a completely different coach for the past three weeks.

Weston

I don’t understand the rules. I think O’Brien has finally figured out this whole playcalling on fourth down thing. Thank [Durga] Alfred Blue has disappeared.

UT

Never mind. Idiot Skipper.

Siri, show me what’s the average number of times illegal formation is called in a football game.

Oh lord I hate this secondary.

Weston

So Jacoby Brissett is going to be the one attacking Houston in man coverage? Cool. Got it.

UT

That can’t possibly end badly.

Of course Gipson tips it and it somehow lands in the receiver’s hand.

BFD

I don’t think it would have been reversed.

UT

Oh I don’t either, I’m just annoyed that it somehow wound up being caught.

We’re going to get pantsed by a cut of barbecue, aren’t we?

(Touchdown Colts because we literally cannot stop anybody. Colts lead 7-0.)

Weston

Hahahahahaha

The only person who likes playing the Houston Texans more than T.Y. Hilton is Zach Pascal

BFD

How not to play zone, a treatise by Dylan Cole.

UT

How’s that for a bump, Weston, a corn maze!

How many illegal formation penalties do we get this drive?

Weston

CORN MAZE SCENE TRANSITION

!!!!

UT

See, we’re finally getting it together on offense but our defense is still dog[kitten].

Gipson heading to the locker room.

So to recap: in the space of a quarter we’ve lost our long snapper, our deep threat, and our starting safety. This is fun.

BFD

I wonder what the Surrender Index of this punt is?

Weston

Watson has to put the ball in bounds.

Matt Burnham

Sigh. It’s one of THOSE games

Weston

Wow, they should either kick the FG or go for it. This is an awful punt.

UT

That was a truly gutless punt.

Matt Burnham

Bill O’Brien is back to Bill O’Briening

UT

LOL, finally sacked Brisket after putting up the consecutive snaps without a sack graphic.

Wait, it was third and 17 and now it’s second down?

And now it’s first, thanks JJ.

Matt Burnham

It’s one of THOSE games

BFD

I say something nice about BOB, and he’s like kitten that [kitten].

Second Quarter:

UT

He thrives on your hatred BFD.

Some serious bumble[kitten]ing with the penalties in the first quarter.

TIL I sound like the guy from the Duluth Trading Company underwear ads.

Kenneth L.

Gents. I hate the amount of penalties in the NFL.

I also hate the Colts.

UT

Same. And Same.

BFD

Why do teams run against us?

UT

Pity, I assume.

Wow, they stopped them on fourth down.

BFD

Why do teams run against us, part duh?

UT

Ibid.

Weston

Watt is finally making run stops again.

Kenneth L.

I also hate that NFL cable packages are so expensive and I hate that I’m too cheap to pay for cable.

UT

Amen, Kenneth. If I could afford it, I wouldn’t go to BWW every Sunday.

Kenneth L.

So when Hulu says they have live sports... is it mainly Mongolian cricket or is it sports we want to watch

BFD

I’m doing SlingTV along with an HD antenna these days. Much, much cheaper.

Kenneth L.

You sling bro? Dude nice. Heard all the kids hit that these days

BFD

The Texans start slowly? Who knew?

UT

With all the penalties I’m starting to really despise the color yellow.

Weston

I can’t wait for the first slot blitz

Hopkins giving Desir the business at the LOS so far

BFD

Daniel Fells is so much better than Ryan Griffin.

UT

I long for a drive where we don’t get a penalty in a given possession.

And thus endeth the snap streak.

Kenneth, it sounds like Hulu just offers the stuff you’d get on TV normally like SNF, TNF, MNF and whatever’s on network TV that week.

BFD

Does Watson know you don’t have to dribble the ball?

Weston

NFL Street Volume 3 Sheard sack

UT

3rd and I give up.

6 penalties for 35 yards, meanwhile the Colts are living a simple and blameless life.

BFD

Fairbairn is kicking for his job today.

(Texans kick a sad field goal, still losing 7-3.)

UT

We do not need to talk about Ka’imi yet.

Matt Burnham

Just embarrassing. So [Durga] [kitten] undisciplined.

Weston

Short field goal becomes three.

FAST GAME YOU GOT A FAST CAR

Kenneth L.

I’m on Reddit stream. I am about two minutes behind which makes messaging about the game suck

YOU RUIN EVERYTHING

BFD

@Kenneth L. I watch a lot at my computer, and we have a Roku for the TV. I’m sold on it. First year without the NFL season ticket in over a decade.

Matt Burnham

I’m a little behind too. Watching Sunday ticket on my phone

Kenneth L.

As in you stream it thru reddit streams or just watch on your computer?

BFD

Watch Sling on my computer.

UT

NOT EVERYTHING IS A PENALTY-WORTH EVENT, REFS!

JJo is hurt, badly.

Kenneth L.

Also - my friend makes candles that when done you dishwash out and are now a whiskey glass. Lmn if anyone wants one

BFD

Dad was joking last week that I should go down to Houston and try out for the secondary. Not sure if it’s a joke anymore.

Kenneth L.

J Jo is hurt. [Kitten] me through the nose

UT

GETTHEBALLGETTHEBALLGETTHEBALLGETTHEBALL!

BFD

I swear the Texans are the luckiest team in the NFL.

UT

Brissett just flat out dropped it.

Kenneth L.

That play just happened l

I’m so far behind

BFD

I don’t care: Deshaun Watson is a kittening wizard m

UT

That is a [Durga][kitten] touchdown what the [kitten] is wrong with you idiots?!

No, seriously, what the [kitten] was that?

Kenneth L.

Wha

Matt Burnham

This is a joke LMAO

UT

[Kitten] these refs. [Kitten] them right in the face.

Kenneth L.

[Kitten] that

Weston

Yeah that sucks so much.

(Texans kick a field goal. Colts lead 7-6.)

UT

Is this the crew who did the NFC championship game last year?

Weston

Joseph and Gipson out. Indy is beating man coverage.

BFD

And yet, they keep trying to run.

Weston

I love Marlon Mack pushing the block.

BFD

Speaking of which, where are you as a franchise if Adrian Peterson has 14 rushes in the first half?

Luke

How are things looking gents?

Weston

NOT NOW LUKE

UT

Luke, you’re near New York, sorta, how would you feel about delivering a message to the NFL in a meaningful and interesting way?

And now Dunn is hurt.

Luke

I mean I’m atop a mountain in Montreal but I’ll give it my best shot

UT

I did say “sorta.”

Weston

Lonnie Johnson misses an awful amount of tackles for a being such a physical player

Luke

That you did. I’ll see what I can manage

Weston

The grim reaper’s scythe is held in Benardrick McKinney’s hands.

UT

Okay so the guy calling our game isn’t the guy who called the NFC title game last year but I think they’ve been sharing notes.

BFD

Texans: fielding a secondary with Gaines, Frenchy Reeves, DBuch, and an old woman on a Pride Mobility Scooter.

Frank Reich: Let’s run it up the middle!

Two passes, easy score.

(Colts score a touchdown against the worst secondary in the NFL. Colts lead 14-6.)

UT

With special guest star Petey Faggins as the nickel corner.

BFD

”Pride Mobility Scooter?” JFK, I cannot think of much worse than that name.

Weston

I hate the Colts

Matt Burnham

This sucks, the defense sucks, the refs suck, BOB sucks

UT

If this game is the price of having the Astros win last night, I’ll take it.

Weston

[KITTEN] this new terminator movie

Air conditioning killed baseball in my household.

BFD

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Deshaun Watson is smoke.

UT

And the choir said in unison “Deshaun Watson is a wizard.”

BFD

Tackling him is like trying to eat jello with chopsticks. /Uecker’d

Weston

I can’t [kitten]ing stand the Colts uniforms, the bland crowd shots, the pre kick off music, the mayonnaise, all the Peyton Manning

UT

I dunno, I like the shade of blue they use for their uniforms.

Also, corn maze footage.

Weston

The blue is fine. It’s all the white.

UT

Well, sure that’s boring.

Weston

I want some more trying to tackle Watson tackling imagery BFD. Give me more of it.

BFD

Did I pick up AND play Brisset in our BRB league? Why yes, yes I did.

UT

I don’t know why but BFD conjuring Watson poetry has me imagining BFD in some poofy shirt wearing one of those long powdered wigs.

(Texans kick yet another field goal, because the real treasure is the field goals you make along the way. Colts lead 14-9.)

BFD

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

UT

GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

Matt Burnham

Unbelievable

Imagine getting 1st and goal two different drives and kicking both times

Weston

Haha with makeup making his cheeks all rosy

Weston

cool hat BFD

BFD

Attempting to tackle his lordship Deshaun Watson is nigh on akin to trying to tackle thy king’s daughter, if thouest know what I mean.

Kenneth L.

This game is anxiety

Halftime Reactions:

Capt Ron

O’Brien having trouble in his “red area” again, back to trading field goals for touchdowns. Lovely!

Kenneth L.

Have you ever eaten food for the sole purpose of chewing

Matt Burnham

Can’t wait for the Colts to do nothing but shallow crossers and running up the gut for the rest of the game while the Texans can’t stop either

BFD

I eat food for the sole purpose of tasting it and depositing it into my belleh.

UT

What other kind of food is there?

BFD

Look, I don’t care. I would rather watch the Texans lose every game than go back to winning games and being forced to watch BOB’s Old Poodle Offense dry-humping its way to 16-13 victories. We haven’t scored much today, but at least the play-calling is still along the same lines as the last two games.

Weston

lmao check out this Jimmy G first half stat line. Dude makes one tough throw a game.

Awwww Phil Simms is so fluffy

UT

Like Romeo Crennel fluffy?

BFD

NOBODY IS ROMEO CRENNEL FLUFFY.

UT

One of the great mysteries of the universe: How the hell did God Friended Me get a second season?

Third Quarter:

UT

Sweet Durga’s pride mobility scooter I hate this secondary.

Fuller won’t be playing today, but we kinda knew that.

BFD

Once again, we are being subjected to stupid football.

Capt Ron

Just like clockwork every stinking season:

”Will Fuller will not return due to hamstring injury, team announces”

BFD

I don’t get why teams are so obsessed with establishing the run. I don’t.

UT

Because some coach said it back in 1922 and the football world has been repeating it ever since.

BFD

2.4 y/rush vs. 10.7 y/pass.

Matt Burnham

Just embarrassing

They literally run two plays and the Texans can’t do a single thing lol

UT

It doesn’t help that the defense was only bad before all the injuries. Now...words can’t describe the awfulness. Or maybe it can, BFD, you’re the BRB poet laureate, wanna give it a try?

And Philip Gaines falls down.

(Colts throw a touchdown to a receiver just barely inbounds. Colts lead 21-9.)

BFD

Watching the Texans play defense::Seeing me streak

Quentin Nelson >>>>>> Lonnie Johnson

Good kitten, that’s a TD.

Weston

Oh there, the piggies, huffing and snarling in the charnel house. Gourging themselves on bones and entrails. Yum yum yum. But the stink! Oh heavens the stink! Nothing leaves the nose more retched, and turns the stomach more green than it, that smell. Well except for the Texans’ defense.

UT

There is no pass that you can throw against the Houston Texans secondary that will not be completed or will not fall incomplete because of something the secondary did.

Matt Burnham

I’m done watching

This is just disgraceful

UT

And there it is.

Matt Burnham

The minute the Texans start getting some national media respect, they come out with whatever this is lol typical

UT

Why can’t we have nice things?

BFD

Because of the way Little Matt touches himself.

UT

Yeah but that’s a constant, something must’ve changed since then.

BFD

Down 21-9: LET’S ESTABLISH THE MOTHERKITTEN RUN!!!

UT

Who needs Fuller for a deep threat anyway?!!?

(Watson dishes the ball to Keke Coutee after a long run by Kenny Stills to set it up. Colts lead 21-16.)

BFD

Nice nab by Coutee there.

Weston

Oh wow look what happens when you throw the football and the Colts have the same coverage issues the Texans have.

Matt Burnham

Up tempo offense for the rest of eternity please

UT

Hey, a penalty against the Colts! How novel!

BFD

The Potatoes/49ers game looks like a blast in that rain.

Colt lineman dry humping Watt’s leg there.

UT

Hey, I’m just glad they didn’t find some excuse to offset them here.

BFD

Scarlett putting up another 1938373 PFF score.

UT

LOL, this [kitten]ing game.

Matt Burnham

Would you look at that another penalty because they’re so [kitten]ing undisciplined

Weston

Last week was an aberration. The Texans need a pass rush.

3rd and 6 three man rush just kill ME

Matt Burnham

Lmao this defense is putrid

BFD

Speaking of putrid, Lonnie Johnson!

Weston

When I laid on the carpet and imagined the 2019 Texans this is what I envisioned. The last two weeks were a wild ride.

Diehard Chris

Full week of game planning against this secondary without their top CB, and the Colts are well-coached.

Matt Burnham

Lmao they convert every [kitten]ing third down

Weston

That Hilton catch was just like the TD he had against LAC earlier this year.

Time has folded upon itself.

UT

Or this is just what he does against us, always.

Weston

I mean it by a short catch in the flat, using his legs and lower body strength to break the low tackle.

Check the SIX THINGS

Diehard Chris

I’ve lost the CBS feed. Perhaps this is for the best.

Matt Burnham

Hahahahahahahahaha

You can’t make this up

Weston

[McKinney]’s trying to kill someone today

Matt Burnham

“You mean we can get off the field on third down? I don’t like that, let my lay this pointless hit to give them a free first”

UT

At this point it’d take less time to point out the snaps that didn’t get a flag.

(Touchdown Colts because of course. Colts lead 28-16.)

Matt Burnham

HAHAHAHAHA

Hahahahaha

UT

This is the most undisciplined I’ve ever seen this defense play; and that’s saying something.

Matt Burnham

No way hold on this can’t be real

This has to be an SNL skit or something lmfao

What a joke

Weston

Redzone play is the difference in this game

Matt Burnham

Can’t wait to hear the press conference after this

UT

”We’re going to take a look at the video tape. I’ve got to do a better job of coaching. We’ll get things right for next week.”

There, saved you the trouble.

Diehard Chris

::watches Altuve HR on a loop::

UT

Oh man that sounds like a great idea right now.

Weston

”Why do the Texans get off to such a slow start?”

I got to do a better job. That’s on me.

UT

We’re running the ball again. Why are we running the ball again?

Weston

Matt Burnham

Yeah! Run the ball up the gut down 12 at the end of the third quarter! Urgency! Haha!

UT

LOL, what’s that on Spongebob’s head there?

Fourth Quarter:

UT

Let’s get this [kitten] over with.

Sooner rather than later, please.

Holy [kitten] they went for it!

BFD

I don’t recognize this team right now. I don’t. And that’s a great thing.

UT

STOP DYING YOU COWARDS!

Roderick Johnson is hurt.

BFD

So, the best thing about “The Boy” breaking both arms is that it forced me to install a bidet. Let me tellz ya: it is glorious.

Weston

(to UT) Some bigass cowboy hat lol

BFD

I thought Leonard was going to pick that off.

UT

(to BFD) A bidet huh? Sounds expensive.

I was certain he would.

BFD

It’s an attachment! Wasn’t that bad, and it sure as hell is better than wiping The Boy’s butt for him.

Walker with the inside pressure on 4th & 1.

Weston

On 3rd and 1 the best play design they come up with his Leonard v. Duke Johnson

BFD

Seriously, if we did not have Deshaun Watson, who I am increasingly inclined to think is the best QB in the NFL that isn’t Brady, this team would be a train wreck.

Matt Burnham

Hahahahahahahaha

Weston

Watson got hit in the head on that throw

Matt Burnham

Thought Gene Steratore said it was about protecting the QB

UT

It is about *protecting the QB.*Not yours. Never yours.

Weston

COWARDS

Holy [kitten] [UT] I hope you have the same feed as me. Either I’m having LSD flashbacks or that scene transition actually happened.

UT

What, the Voltron/Power Rangers one? That was real.

Matt Burnham

Stop running the ball lmfao

Weston

Phew ok.

UT

It was at least something different.

Weston

Houston goes hurry up, loses three yards with an outside zone run play, immediately slows the offense back down. GOOD WORK O’BRIEN.

BFD

Wow, what a sweet move by Hop.

UT

Ugh, I did not need to see that.

BFD

And, wow, terrible throw by Watson. [Kitten].

UT

And lookie there, no roughing call on the Colts.

The Niners/Potatoes game just ended. We still have close to nine minutes left.

I can’t imagine what would be slowing this game down at all.

Weston

nevermind,,,,keep running the ball Bill O’Brien

Those last two weeks seem like a crazy dream.

BFD

Great pitch and catch to Stills.

UT

This field goal is going to be amazing.

(Watson to Hopkins touchdown for Houston. Colts lead 28-23.)

BFD

This team is so explosive when it’s allowed to be.

UT

This team is trying to give me hope and I do not appreciate it.

Weston

The Texans are doing the things in the second half that were blatantly obvious entering this game. Imagine needing 30 minutes of a game to figure out the Colts’ cornerbacks haven’t covered well and have zero safety play.

Praise BE for Reich punting it on a previous fourth down, and giving Houston a chance to comeback.

UT

As near as I can tell there are two constants in today’s game: Penalties and Texans injuries.

Weston

I kind of love Zach Pascal.

UT

Texans: Look [UT], we can still win this, we still have a shot at this game!

Me: GET THEE BEHIND ME, FOUL DEMON!

BFD

I would like to once again state the I picked up AND started Brisset in our league today. LOLOLOLOL!

UT

You want a medal or a chest to pin it on?

BFD

YAS!

Duh.

That should have been a hold on Gaines.

UT

We might’ve gotten away with one there.

Four minutes to get 96 yards and a touchdown. Yeah, we got this.

Weston

Well here we go. Houston down 5, with 4:19 left, after getting away with a call. These announcers are shills for the officials.

UT

I have a headache.

Weston

IND is showing blitz and flipping out to the short to stop the slant to Hopkins.

BFD

Slot corner blitz FTW!

Weston

Are you kidding me. They’re running it on second down there. Shoot O’Brien into the sun.

BFD

BOB called a time out for the punt? TK?

Matt Burnham

Hahahaha

Weston

SLOT CORNER BLITZ HELL YEAH

BFD

I mean, jeebus, what a waste of a valuable resource.

UT

BOB is back, y’all, big as life and just as ugly.

Matt Burnham

Bill O’Brien is such an embarrassment man hahaha

(Anger intentionally(?) runs out of bounds for a safety. Colts lead 30-23.)

UT

A SAFETY?!

BFD

Speechless.

UT

Is it better or worse if that safety was intentional?

Matt Burnham

Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha

Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!

BFD

So, we basically traded a timeout for 30 yards of field position. K.

UT

And a loss of two points.

Kenneth L.

What

The

[Kitten]

Me

BFD

Or that he took time to do it. Why not just snap it out of the endzone?

Kenneth L.

We just wasted a time-out and gave them points

BFD

And with Fairbairn’s issues with XPs, that two points is even important. Man, BOB gives me hope then strips it away.

UT

I’m going to be thinking about that play for the rest of my life. When I’m in my retirement castle, on my death bed, and I’m surrounded by family and friends and loved ones, the last thing that will cross my mind as I shuffle off this mortal coil will not be about whether I led a good life or what cosmic adventure awaits me in the next world. It will be “no, really, why did they take a timeout to run an intentional safety?” And then I’ll die confused and vaguely irritated.

I guess what I’m saying is Bill O’Brien ruined the last day of my life with that play.

Kenneth L.

CALL THE TIMEOUT YOU SHMUCK

BFD

Oh [Durga], Gaines is hurt and bad. Damn.

UT

They replayed the injury and holy [kitten], we’re not seeing him again for a while.

Ankles don’t work like that.

Weston

Franch Reich is Bill O’Briening this game

Matt Burnham

Raise your hand if you know why Bill called that first time out

BFD

@BigMatt: Yep.

UT

Again, the Texans are trying to trick me into thinking they can win and I will not have it.

Weston

McKinney finally caught someone, and it ended up being his own teammate

UT

Oh look! Another flag!

Ah, a garden variety false start, haven’t seen one of those in a while.

BFD

Tunsil with another penalty. He’s kinda the offensive line version of Clowney.

Another slot corner blitz, but it didn’t get there.

(Colts make an improbable pick off of a pass to Keke Coutee.)

BFD

Welp.

UT

Oh [kitten] you.

BFD

That’s a pick. Great freaking play by Leonard.

(Texans lose to the Colts 30-23.)

UT

What the [kitten] did I just watch?

BFD

Battle of the BOBs.

Matt Burnham

Hahahahahahhahahahahaha

Couldn’t have ended in a more Texans way

What a [kitten]ing waste of my Sunday

Weston

[KITTEN]

I hate the Colts

Kenneth L.

Duck

Weston

Matt III aren’t you a Pats’ fan? Only we can masochistically hate ourselves

Postgame Reactions:

Weston

I hate myself for being excited and hopeful entering this game. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll never believe. I wanted to believe. I’m tearing the UFO poster off the wall.

I’m just being a brat btw, Matt. I really don’t care at all.

Matt Burnham

At heart yes but they don’t play until tomorrow lol

Weston

Ahhh ok gotcha. I’m glad you get a taste of how the rest of the country feels. We all need to live outside our pounds more.

Matt Burnham

I’d argue it gives me good perspective watching Bill O’Brien try to do anything. How do you come from the Patriots system and do literally everything 100% opposite when you get your own team?

Luke

So how did it go?

UT

Nothing went wrong. Everything is fine.

Game Balls:

Well y’all are still here, might as well give out some game balls.

Offense - Hard to say who should get the ball here but I’ll give it to Deshaun Watson because if I don’t he might turn me into a newt. Because he’s a wizard, you see. Jokes!

Defense - Let’s just go with J.J. Watt here. It feels like we haven’t given him one in a while.

Special Teams - Ka’imi Fairbairn didn’t soil himself today, so he gets a ball.

Have a question about the balls given out? How do you see your last day on Earth going? Disagree with us on something?

Give me your poor, your tired, your spiciest of takes, yearning to be read, and go Astros.