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Houston Sports Ministry of Information Week Eight Preview - Oakland Raiders

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Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:

Comrades! Words have not been created by English language, most languagest of languages, to describe what we saw happen to Houston Texans, who stand proudly for people of Houston, in glorious struggle against child horses of Indianapolis. Such words are still in primordial grunts and squeaks, ill-suited to be included in such informative message of hope and triumph, so have been left out. We saw, as you did, referees throw yellow flags, flying around stadium like lone, soiled snowflakes, because referees could not tolerate not having odious thumbs on scales of Texans victory! There can be no other explanation for Texans’ performance Sunday.

Some will claim it was because Texans played down to opponent, which happens in order as to not humiliate baby horses of Indianapolis, so withdrew our fine, sturdy secondary players in favor of herd of one-legged chickens with early stages of polio. While this may be true—strategically objective Ministry sources are unable to confirm these allegations—would be understandable by great leader Comrade Marshal O’Brien to do so; partly because baby horse receivers have never burned Texans secondary in past and partly because of Dear Leader’s fondness for poultry.

And if is true, so what? All indicates is our Great Leader, whose example we should all hope to live up to, took principled stand in what he believes in; what could possibly be criticized in that? Those who would criticize as foolish move should look within own heart and wonder why they do not more strongly emulate leader and love he holds in heart for all creatures great and small.

According to Great Leader, experiment with Secondary of People will not be attempted a second time, partly out of concern for chickens’ well-being and partly because of brand new renovation to People’s Defense! After game with baby horses, who not only did not care about well-being of chickens, but also planted and detonated bombs on Texans secondary players in extra mean way, Texans spent more useless draft capital to bring in new hero for defense, one who can and will spark new way forward for defense! On Monday, Texans, under wise counsel of general manager and Vice Marshal of Personnel William O’Brien, traded with vile Raiders for corner Gareon Conley.

Conley, standout with Raiders, had proven too talented for them and sought asylum with better team. The Raiders, in abject stubbornness, refused, and Conley, in protest, allowed 13 touchdowns against Green Bay Packers last Sunday. Jon Gruden, coach who never met player he didn’t want to trade immediately, immediately traded Conley to football loving fans and players of Houston Texans. Is immense evidence, best evidence, that Conley is potential top-tier talent. And is thanks in no small part to Gruden. Look at all players he has traded from Raiders since arrival. Traded garbage receiver Amari Cooper to [OKLAHOMA PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM], where he has made some small name for himself there. Traded Khalil Mack to Chicago, where he went from modest success to best player not to play for Houston Texans. Now is Conley, next great name on the list. Can be no doubt that Conley will be tremendous success on behalf of people of Houston!

Imagine foolishness required to have and immediately dispose of three top-tier talents simply because they do not fit preconceived notions of what team should look like. Imagine how awful it would be if Great Leader had such arbitrary requirements for team instead of simply gathering best players at all positions. Would be as foolish as, for example, trading much needed draft capital to take one of best receivers in football, only to give up on him for failing to provide him with adequate headgear! Is absurdity, and luckily one people of Houston never have to deal with.

Are rumors that trades and irrational demands made by Gruden were not made by him, but instead work of soul of former Raiders owner and noted incubus Al Davis, but none of rumors have been confirmed by Ministry sources; therefore, must be lies. However, would be keeping with tightly run ship that Davis would have, one that runs counter to that managed by current owner and dehydrated egg salesman Mark Davis. After all, what can you expect from ownership when they, with countless millions of dollars to spend, intentionally gets haircut that makes Mark Zuckerberg look like hero from Gothic romance novel?

Is because of this gross mismanagement at all levels of team, and fact that Raiders insist on having quarterback named Carr on roster, that Texans will march, once again, to flawless triumph, one that will make all those loyal to Motherland proud to call themselves Houstonians.