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Hair of the Dog - Texans/Raiders

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The BRB gang get together to talk about the Texans’ win over the Raiders, discover the joy of emojis in Slack, and lament the infirmary that houses the Houston Texans defense.

Get well soon, again, J.J.
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Hi, it is currently very late as I write this as I could not bring myself to edit this while the Astros game was on; partly because it’s the friggin’ World Series and mostly because I thought it would be bad luck to work on this, or anything, while the Astros were playing.

Is it stupid? Sure. Did it work? Yes. Am I an egomaniacal twit who thinks the whole world revolves around him so much that doing my regular football posting would jeopardize an event thousands of miles away? Shut up.

Let’s get on with the Dog.

As always, in finest, Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this post as safe as possible to read at work. There are parts I still wouldn’t recommend playing at work, though; you’ll see what I mean in a minute.

Enjoy!

PRE-GAME THOUGHTS

Luke

Lonnie Johnson is the CB version of Kelvin Benjamin.

UT

Rams are trying to trade Aqib Talib to pay for Ramsay. If we could get him for cheap would you want him in a Texans jersey?

Vega

For the first time in a month, I get to sit and watch the game live

UT

Nice!

Weston

Ryan Griffin has to be the best player in the history of UCONN football

UT

Incorrect, that would be Dan Orlovsky.

FIRST QUARTER

Weston

I’d still go with Griffin

UT

And of course they haven’t got the Texans game on here anywhere.

Capt Ron

Empty seats at NRG. Socialites taking their time leaving the lounges. I guess they know the first series is usually trash time for Houston each week.

UT

And now it’s on all the screens. Which means I can hear them. Blech.

Weston

Trent Brown’s punch is outrageous. He knocked J.J. Watt out of orbit.

Capt Ron

Fist time in 4 games I get to watch them live instead of on replay. Let’s go, Texans!!

Weston

Ron, I’ve seen all NFL stadiums empty this season. There are only like seven teams that actually has fairly full crowds.

UT

The Seahawks/Falcons game was on the big screen and holy crap that stadium was totally empty.

BFD

I wonder how often they are going to target Conley.

UT

*by “that stadium” I meant the Goatse Dome.

[Ed. Note: If you are new to the internet, do not, under any circumstances, look up goatse. And DEFINITELY do not look it up at work.]

Capt Ron

Is it because the broadcast and camera angles make for a better experience? Is it unruly fans who make it too dangerous and unpleasant to be in person? Is it the cost of tickets, food and beverage? Is it the traffic into and out of the venue?

UT

It’s Gruden so I imagine a LOT.

I think it’s just because the Falcons are terrible and Atlanta is a terrible pro-sports town.

Weston

lol the goatse dome

My tongue is bleeding. They’re already running on second and ten.

BFD

Inc, 2 & 10 run for 1, inc with defensive holding. The [kitten]y playcalling in mid-game form.

Capt Ron

Is it too early for the “Fire BOB” chants for his terrible play calling? I mean, that was a “three & out” if the corner didn’t t hold him there.

And....a sack on Watson.

UT

To be fair, he did run into the sack himself.

Weston

I want to take a nap on Hankins’s belly

UT

Your desires are...unconventional.

Tunsil with the [kitten] false start again.

Wasn’t one of the selling points on Tunsil how little he got false start calls?

Kenneth L.

Welp Zach Fulton automatically contributes to the sack tracker

BFD

Good [Durga] this playcalling. Once again, BOB has learned nothing from when he has actual success. It’s accidental.

Capt Ron

BOB has ALL week to strategize and draw up the entire first series of offense. Every week it’s a poodle-humping nightmare. Does he even review opponent film?

Weston

Not only did they run a third and thirteen screen, but they ran it to Chris Clark’s side.

Kenneth L.

Yeah poor call on 3rd and 13

TexanRevJ

So far I’m gathering that the plan is to throw the ball short of the sticks, run into stacked fronts, and hope for the best??

Kenneth L.

[Kitten] the 49ers are legit

Weston

There is no plan.

UT

Plans are strategically a bad thing. If there’s a plan, then someone can leak it. If there’s no plan, there’s no risk of anything being leaked to the enemy. BOB is truly a great genius of football.

Kenneth L.

It’s absolutely pouring in New England Lolol

BFD

(to Kenneth L.) It’s truly a wonder what good OCs can do for their offenses.

Justin Reid came to ball.

Capt Ron

Reid is looking great!

Brace yourselves. Looks like we are in for a punter’s battle on Kirby!!

UT

#PuntingIsWinning

Kenneth L.

Looks like it will be Reid and Cunningham for the job to guard Waller

Weston

Johnson covered Waller on the other attempt too. I think they’ll use Reid and and Johnson as much as they can. They’ll need to cover. They aren’t going to be able to rush the passer.

This is going to be a 7 v. 7 game and Houston needs to figure this out.

Capt Ron

Sean Pendergast just tweeted this tally for opening drives by Houston:

“REVISED #Texans 1st drive of the season statistics — 6 punts, 2 turnovers… 39 plays/67 yards”

BFD

I did not know Willie Brown passed away. He was a kitten]uva player.

UT

It seems like we only ever play the Raiders on the week when a famous Raider player/owner dies.

Weston

Houston should have traded for Trayvon Mullen

BFD

This playcalling is beyond horrendous. Watson’s success comes when he pushes the ball downfield, not when he’s throwing three yard passes.

UT

Oh that sucked. That was an ill-advised throw.

Vega

Well that’s a [kitten] start

Kenneth L.

How about we throw the ball down the [kitten]ing field

UT

#PuntingIsWinning

Vega

Stop it Kenneth. That’s exactly what they’d expect us to do.

Kenneth L.

Sorry I’m just upset I benched mike Evans in fantasy

UT

Yesterday I learned that you can create custom emojis for slack.

[Kitten] Kenneth, you always seem to bench the wrongest guys.

Weston

[Kitten] I love Zay Jones

Vega

Can you make one of a burnt piece of toast? We can call it “secondary”

BFD

Can you make one of ketchup, and we can call it the offensive coordinator?

Weston

I’m glad is he’s in Oakland. I was always afraid he’d go to New England and have a 12 TD season.

[Ed. Note: Because the emojis are really small and use gets repetitive, I’ll just post the image that each emoji was based on.]

UT

Hey! It worked!

Weston

With Hudson down Houston should just line Watt up over the center. He’s going to struggle against Brown this game.

UT

Kenneth L.

Nothing is better than a beautiful day in San Francisco and I’m sequestered in my room

BFD

Baker Mayfield was all the way down the field on Chubb’s long run and fumble. That’s some serious hustle.

Kenneth L.

Did I just hear that the patriots would be 4-2-1 even if their offense hadn’t scored a point all season??

BFD

Big loss for the Raiders as Hudson is a great C.

Weston

It’s a bummer too since him and Gabe Jackson finally got healthy.

KILL ME

(SECONDARY GETS BURNED BADLY. RAIDERS SCORE FIRST, LEAD 7-0.)

UT

Capt Ron

RAC’s tombstone should read:

“Slayed by Hunter.....Renfrow!”

Weston

Houston is having Justin Reid play man coverage. Without him sitting deep playing janitor they finally get beat by a missed tackle.

TexanRevJ

Lol I totally predicted Renfrow burning us at some point this game

Which is both completely predictable and hilariously sad at the same time

BFD

Lonnie Johnson and Jahleel Addae with the clutch missed tackles. Terrible efforts.

Weston

Maybe O’Brien finally understands to throw it down field after that.

UT

I’m trying to find a suitable image of red carpet to make into an emoji but none of them are quite what I’m looking for.

I have a feeling the carpet will be making a comeback.

Capt Ron

Last week BOB elected to go with an intentional safety.

Maybe this week he’ll go for an intentional punt on first down to minimize the embarrassment of his play calling.

UT

GLORY TO ALL PENALTY OFFENSE!

Weston

I don’t understand why it takes the falling down 7 to do things like run PA and ttack the Raiders’ linebackers

BFD

That play to Darren Fells (long catch and run with the facemask finish) is there all the time. ALL THE KITTEN TIME. Get Watson out of the pocket and good things happen.

TexanRevJ

He’ll top off the play calling this week by having Hopkins attempt a pass again

Capt Ron

The Red Zone...where O’Brien’s offenses go to die.

(WATSON TO DUKE JOHNSON FOR THE TOUCHDOWN TEXANS EVEN UP THE SCORE, GAME TIED AT 7-7)

Capt Ron

Wow! Nice red zone touchdown!!

I feel like I just found a freshwater spring in Death Valley after eight weeks of licking sand.

BFD

Wow, Johnson really scorched Morrow there. Morrow even tried to hold Johnson and couldn’t do it.

Weston

Attack the Raiders linebackers and good things happen. They’re like playing KC but with some pretty good run defense.

UT

I expect BOB will figure this out with five minutes left in the fourth quarter.

Justin Reid looks like he’s having the time of his life out there.

Weston

Reid v. Waller is in Houston’s favor so far, and I’m so happy RAC finally stuck Watt inside on pass rushing downs.

BFD

Reid looking goooooooood.

UT

Is strangling a legal football move now? Because it looks like strangling J.J. Watt is legal now.

Capt Ron

Reid is really impressive.

UT

Hey! A Deshaun Watson run!

BFD

Carlos Hyde, the original Jekyll and Hyde (sic): 2nd in success rate but 23rd by DVOA (which is negative).

SECOND QUARTER

UT

Hot potato! Hot potato!

Matt Burnham

Well

Akins man...

UT

Derek Carr getting sacked by Toro seems oddly appropriate.

I need to lay off the emojis.

Conley getting the PBU.

Weston

That was a nice job by Conley jumping off of zone on the out to Waller. I haven’t checked the box score, but I feel like Waller is 0/6 this game.

UT

I really hate this secondary.

Weston

(to UT) I really hate this pass rush.

We knew the secondary was going to be bad, the pass rush didn’t have to be.

BFD

Angelo Blackson did a thing! Give him three more years!

UT

And just like that Blackson gets a TFL.

Weston

$4 million for that tackle!

(RAIDERS SCORE AGAIN, LEAD 14-7)

BFD

I can’t even tell who was supposed to be covering Waller there. I think it was Mike Adams, which is a really horrible match-up.

Matt Burnham

This defense is so bad

BFD

What was most surprising about that drive was how easily they ran the ball. I expect the secondary to be trash, but that’s still the 5th best run D by DVOA.

Weston

The Raiders have a great run game and offensive line. They ran it against Chicago. They can also attack the edges and cutback well too.

UT

Meanwhile Kyle Shanahan is wrecking shop against Carolina 27-3.

Weston

”More games in the NFL are lost not won”

--Bill O’Brien

Shoot me into the [kitten]ing sun

UT

Did he really say that?

BFD

Does Chris Clark get an assist on that sack?

Weston

They announcers just quoted him as saying that.

Kenneth L.

Chris Clark joins the sack tracker

UT

I guess I missed hearing that, which is good because I’d probably throw my computer through the big screen if I had.

BFD

Well, if anybody knows about losing games that should be won, it’s BOB.

MATT SCHAUB HAD 460 PASSING YARDS TODAY OMK.

UT

This offense is way different without Will Fuller, which, again, if this is how you adapt your defense to a lack of a deep ball threat, this is not a good offense.

Weston

It’s hard to lose a game when you run the ball up the middle and give up only 16 points

Vega

That looked like OPI

Weston

I can’t wait to watch this Schaub game in a college station hotel room. It’s a shame I won’t have enough time to write ten things this week.

(GRUDEN CHALLENGES OPI, LOSES CHALLENGE)

UT

AND a delay of game. Lulz.

It’s 2nd and 31, let’s see how these Raiders convert for the first down.

Weston

I love Jon Gruden man.

I love every coach that tries to challenge a pass interference penalty.

UT

Watt’s going into the locker room and Lonnie Johnson is injured.

This is fine. Everything is fine.

Vega

Watt’s just going in to change shoes. He’s going to play safety now.

UT

Weston

lmfao

BFD

Great things happen when Watson pushes the ball downfield. This is not rocket science.

UT

Watt is questionable to return with a shoulder injury per Sarah Barshop.

If Watt is hurt, this team is done.

BFD

Holy kitten.

UT

And Lonnie Johnson is being evaluated for a concussion.

I repeat:

Vega

Has there every been a situation where a team had to forfeit due to lack of players to finish a game?

Weston

I can’t believe it took 27 minutes for Bill O’Brien to attack the Raiders’ defensive backs with isolated routes.

UT

There has to be some Aggie with delusions of grandeur in the stands thinking “my time has come!”

Vega

But what if his time HAS come, UT? What if it HAS?

UT

Shipley Donuts rejoin. It was beautiful.

(to Vega) Then he should get his [kitten] on the field and tell BOB so.

BFD

Don’t blame Akins, blame the [kitten]y playcalling.

Weston

1st & 10 power right. Lose 6. Now it’s 3rd and 16.

Capt Ron

Injury update: Watt shoulder; Johnson possible concussion.

/drink!

Weston

The Texans traded Jadeveon Clowney for Gareon Conley, Jacob Martin, and Barkevious Mingo.

UT

Is Will Fuller such a big piece of the offense that without him the rest of the offense (or at least BOB’s playcalling of said offense) looks like utter [kitten]?

Matt Burnham

This [kitten]ing sucks.

BFD

This is pitiful.

(KA’IMI FAIRBAIRN FIELD GOAL IS GOOD. TEXANS TRAIL 14-10.)

Weston

Keep running on first and ten because you lose NFL games you don’t win them.

UT

I’d offer Watt my shoulder but it’s just as bad as his probably is right now.

BFD

”BOB saw something he didn’t like.” Perhaps it is the personnel remaining on the field?

UT

Oh that’s a heartwarming stat. 43 points allowed in last 2 minutes of the half against the Texans.

Vega

It’s getting to where at the end of every play, I’m looking to see who got hurt

UT

There’s Jacob Martin’s one thing of the day.

Weston

Jacob Martin is a hilarious pass rusher. He doesn’t have any moves really. He just runs all the way around the line of scrimmage because he’s a cheetah.

BFD

Just take a [kitten] knee.

Why even hand it off. JFK, BOB is trash.

HALFTIME REACTIONS

Weston

I can’t believe they didn’t try to score with Deshaun Watson and against a bottom barrel passing offense.

THIS IS [KITTEN]

Vega

Hey, when there’s a 0.1% chance of an 80-yard TD vs a 5% chance of a fumble or injury, you have to take it

Kenneth L.

They look a lot better than I gave them credit for

Matt Burnham

BOB doesn’t have stones

Vega

He’s got kidney stones

UT

LOL

Weston

KILL ME

UT

(to Weston) Hey, I offered you a unique and exciting opportunity to give up your life the other day and you didn’t take it.

Don’t you wish you’d taken me up on my offer now?

Matt Burnham

If it makes you guys feel better, Max Scherzer was scratched from his start tonight.

UT

I did see that. Someone called Joe Ross is taking his place.

Vega

Holy [kitten]. That DOES make me feel better. Thanks, Matt!

Weston

[Ed. Note: Probably NSFW video here. Viewer discretion advised.]

THIRD QUARTER

UT

Watt isn’t even on the sideline, according to Rivers.

Confirmed kill: Watt is out for the rest of the game.

Vega

Apparently the defensive injuries are so extensive the offense is now crap.

UT

And Johnson’s out with a concussion. You know what that means?

IRON MAN FOOTBALL!!!

BFD

At least BOB has kept the aggressiveness.

Weston

lol that 4th down quarterback read works every time

UT

It’s the only thing he took away from those two high-powered offense games.

I say as Watson drops a bomb to Carter for a long first down.

Weston

1st and ten run loses 1 yard.

UT

Given how this team has gotten hurt, I would not have blinked if Carter had simply exploded upon landing after that catch.

Clark got beat like a drum on that sack.

Weston

Benson Mayowa power rushes is a problem for Chris Clark.

I’m so glad I gave up all hope last weekend.

BFD

My grandmother’s power rushes are a problem for Chris Clark.

(FIELD GOAL IS GOOD. TEXANS TRAIL 14-13.)

UT

GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

BFD

Also, it takes three guys to sack Deshaun. What a beast.

Kenneth L.

Chris Clark flying up the sack tracker at a Greg Mancz rate

Matt Burnham

Stop running on first down lmao so predictable

That’s why Carter got so open on that play earlier

Weston

[Durga] I can’t wait for this decade to [Kitten]ing die after seeing Chris Clark and Matt Schaub start today.

BFD

The Raiders are matching us step for step with stupid football.

UT

And Durga bless them for it, too.

(RAIDERS SCORE AN EASY TOUCHDOWN, LEAD 21-13.)

UT

LOLOLOL NOTHING MATTERS.

BFD

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! toastemoji

Vega

Where’s my toast, [kitten]it?!

Weston

This is a homegame for Oakland

UT

Vega

There it is

Matt Burnham

I’m done believing in this team

Just no point

Weston

I think the difference for Oakland is they have a dominant offensive line, and a great running back. It makes sense for them to run the ball some. It doesn’t for Houston with the players they have.

You should have hopped on this train last week Matt.

BFD

Yeah, but they can throw the ball at will.

Matt Burnham

Now mark my words, Houston will get a 1st and goal at the 6 and theyll kick a FG

Weston

Kind of. They have one receiver and rely entirely on their tight ends. It’s hard to just flip the switch.

Another first and ten run for negative yards.

Vega

Hey look, there’s a first down run that didn’t work

UT

I’ve officially hit the existentialist defense mechanism for this game: nothing matters. None of this matters.

Weston

[KITTEN]IT!!!

UT

The Raiders do not need your assistance, Fulton.

Kenneth L.

We r falling apart

BFD

The keep matching up a LB against Hopkins in zone. Perplexing.

Weston

Oh hey that one got 4!

UT

We’ve been falling apart for a couple of games. We’ve now reached the point in the crash where not only have the wheels come off but the car has disintegrated to the point where only the driver in his seat, holding the steering wheel, is still moving forward.

Weston

Seeing Clark out there makes me think about the Tom Savage season. Where way back then we thought about what could be good days with Deshaun Watson at quarterback. And here we are.

Vega

Don’t worry guys. We’ll regroup in the offseason and build things back up through the draft.

UT

Weston

GIVE ME THE FG

MAKE ME COMPLETE

UT

Patience my young friend, patience.

FOURTH QUARTER

UT

Please place your tray tables in their original upright position and make sure your bags are stowed under the seat in front of you as we prepare for emergency crash procedures.

BFD

12 personnel, and you get Watson out of the pocket. These are successful plays.

(PASSING TOUCHDOWN FOR HOUSTON. TEXANS TRAIL 21-20.)

Weston

The Radiers linebackers are so bad.

I can’t believe he kicked the extra point.

Matt Burnham

BOB still has no stones

UT

(to Weston) Really? You can’t believe this guy didn’t go for two?

AP

Weston

I mean, I CAN believe it, but I hate him so much for it.

Awwww look at how cute he is. He has hope and goals and dreams of being a head coach. I wish we could have Inceptioned that idea out of his head back in 2011.

Vega

If it makes you feel better, I’m sure I can find a bunch of people who defend it.

Matt Burnham

His chin looks like someone threw a dart at it and he left it in there for a week

BFD

Did Watt tear a pec?

UT

I don’t think so. Everyone’s calling it a shoulder injury.

Weston

[UT], can we get a NFL Head Coach photoshop, but with Bill O’Brien on the cover instead of Bill Cowher?

UT

I’ll see what I can do when I get home.

I really, really, really wanted to like that game.

Weston

It sucked so much. [Durga] it was miserable to play.

UT

It really was [Durga]awful, I was beyond disappointed as someone who sucks at Madden but loves playing franchise mode.

[Kitten], Cole should’ve had that.

(RAIDERS KICK A FIELD GOAL, LEAD 24-20.)

Weston

Oh cool. Now a FG won’t tie it.

UT

None of this matters.

Nothing really matters.

Anyone can see.

Nothing really matters.

To meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

BFD

How was that a roughing?

Weston

Mother died today. Or maybe yesterday, I don’t know.

BFD

Aw, kitten. Tunsil down.

UT

FINE! SHOOT YOUR PRISONER!

Kenneth L.

Jeez

UT

If I sent the Texans a resume, do you think they’d at least bring me in for a tryout?

I mean my shoulder and back are [kitten] but I can at least stand and be sentient.

Vega

I don’t think you need a resume. Just a pulse.

And I think they’ll actually trade draft picks for you

Weston

I was an offensive player of the week at right tackle in a 49-0 loss. I’m ready whenever Houston needs me.

Luke

How’s things fellas?

Vega

Super. We’re all injured

Weston

NOT NOW LUKE

UT

If the Texans lose any more players I think they’re legally obligated to fold.

BFD

It’s so bad, while watching this game, I pulled my groin.

It’s not a loaf of bread, Hop.

DESHAUN WATSON IS A MK WIZARD!!!!

UT

Vega

[Kitten], now Watson’s hurt

UT

WATSON’S HURT!

(TEXANS SCORE A TD. TEXANS LEAD 27-24, BUT AT WHAT COST?)

Weston

ARRRRRRR

Vega

He got kicked in the face.

UT

Okay, forget what I said about Watt, if Watson is hurt, the season’s over.

Kenneth L.

Omg

This game is a nightmare

Matt Burnham

He was smiling

Kenneth L.

If we lose Watt, Tunsil, and Watson in one game

Luke

How bad are the Watt and Tunsil injuries?

UT

Watt may be done for the year. Tunsil is still TBD.

Kenneth L.

Omg no way

Vega

We need him back. No way this zombie defense can hold this down for the next six minutes

BFD

Pec tendon. [Durga] [kitten]it.

UT

You called it BFD.

BFD

The way he was grabbing, it was 100% in that area and NOT the shoulder.

Vega

Has that been confirmed anywhere?

[Ed. Note: At the time this was written it hadn’t been confirmed, and if it still weren’t when this was being edited, this conversation would’ve been left out. But since it’s been confirmed I’m leaving it in.]

TexanRevJ

That sucks. Lack of depth is going to derail this season fast

UT

Not yet, which is why I’m only saying “may be done” but I’m not optimistic.

Weston

Conely beat by Tyrell Williams because when it rains it monsoons

I’m never going to learn how to spell his name

UT

So here’s my question: Do we see McCarron on the next offensive series and why is the answer “yes?”

”I’m gonna call you Hekyll Jekyll because I don’t care to learn your name.”

Weston

Naw. Watson told McCarron he’s good as he walked off the field earlier.

BFD

That should have been a DPI.

UT

This game needs to hurry up and cave in on itself, my computer’s almost out of battery life.

Weston

Goodie. Bill O’Brien gets to try and burn out the clock. Are you ready for this?

UT

Yes, I for one, long for the cold embrace of death.

Matt Burnham

Double your age and subtract 19 and that’s how much time in seconds you should bet on BOB actually being able to burn off the clock on these types of drives

UT

Just need a first down now to win it.

BFD

Watson and Gruden saved BOB’s [kitten] this game.

UT

Vega

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

(TEXANS WIN 27-24.)

POST-GAME REACTIONS

Weston

Deshaun Watson is Bill O’Brien proof.

Matt Burnham

Is Deshaun Watson actually [Durga]? I think he might be [Durga]

UT

You missed the Bohemian Rhapsody join in earlier, Vega

Matt Burnham

I’m just saying, we’ve never seen Deshaun Watson and [Durga] in the same room

BFD

I just don’t even have the words for Watson anymore.

Matt Burnham

Yup. Until someone proves he isn’t [Durga]...

GAME BALLS

Time to give out some game balls.

Offense - Deshaun Watson scored the winning touchdown after getting kicked in the face and finishing the game looking like Will Smith after having an allergic reaction in the movie Hitch. So how do you not give the game ball to him?

Defense - If we had any defensive players left to give a ball to we’d do so here. Let’s give it to J.J. Watt since we won’t be seeing him again this year and maybe it’ll make him feel a little better (not even a little) about being done for the year.

Special Teams - Ka’imi Fairbairn didn’t set himself on fire again this week so I guess we can give him one.

Got anything to add to this week’s dog? That’s what the comments are for. Fire away, y’all!