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Hair of the Dog: Texans-Falcons

The BRB gang get together and discuss Sunday’s game against the Atlanta Falcons.

In the entire history of the Houston Texans, the team has scored more than fifty points only twice. The first time was in 2017, when the Texans absolutely ROFLstomped the BE-SFs 57-14. The second was today, when the Texans mashed the Falcons into a fine paste 53-32. A fifty-burger, y’all. Not only that, but aside from the first drive where the Texans went three and out and the drive at the end of the first half, every offensive drive the Texans had resulted in points.

Better still, Deshaun Watson, the engine that made this offensive performance possible, went entirely untouched in the pocket today. The offensive line gave up no sacks and only one hit in what can only be called the Texans’ best offensive performance of this young season.

So what does this mean? Is the offensive line turning a corner? Is the team as a whole turning a corner? Is this the team we should expect to see week in and week out?

Not really. As thrilled as I was to watch the Texans wreck shop on another team and look good doing it, a lot of their success can come down to the fact that the Texans were playing a really, really bad Falcons team coached by Bill O’Brien if he were a defensive-minded coach.

Could it be a sign of things to come for the Texans? I really hope so, especially with the Texans going to Kansas City next week. But I’m not putting any money on that hope.

Furthermore, despite the result, I contend that Bill O’Brien must be fired.

On to the Dog!

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. Why [kitten]? Because [rhinoceros] is long and a pain in the butt to spell repeatedly.

Enjoy!

First Quarter:

UT

And starting the game off with a stuffed run.

BFD

You can’t run the ball against the Texans. Mostly.

That was a [kitten] of a blitz there. Wow.

UT

Pretty good defensive opening drive.

How will Bill O’Brien foul this up?

Weston

Haha I like the mostly.

What an awful play call from ATL. Run a comeback two yards short of the first down marker? Sure. Dirk Koetter sucks [kitten].

UT

At 3rd and 24 (thanks Carlos!) they should’ve armpunted the ball.

BFD

Well, thank Durga we cut Daniel.

Weston

[Durga] stop running the ball. Please please please.

The Falcons have a better run defense than Houston does this year.

UT

[Kitten]it Matt, Atlanta listened to you.

Oh it’s going to be THAT game!

BFD

Yeah, JJ, that was late.

UT

(to BFD) But how do you hit the brakes on that?

Weston

(to UT) he could have just moved to the right. That was late.

UT

(to Weston) Fair point.

That was fast.

BFD

OTOH, you can throw the ball at will against us.

(Falcons TD Matt Ryan to Mohammed Sanu. Falcons lead 7-0.)

UT

Per Barshop, a six play drive for 66 yards. In other words...THAT PLAY WAS SATAN.

Weston

Johnson Jr. doesn’t know how to play cornerback. This hasn’t changed since college.

BFD

Yes, but what’s his PFF rating? That’s really all that matters.

Weston

Psshhh at Kentucky? Probably like an 82.7

[kitten] stop running the [KITTEN]ing football

UT

Once again with feeling, Deshaun Watson is a wizard.

BFD

LOLOLOLOLOLOL! Deshaun Watson is a [kitten]ing wizard. OMG.

UT

Nice one on Akins to get those extra yards.

BFD

I love watching Akins in the open field.

Weston

Stop running the football plase

plase plase plase

UT

Plase, indeed.

(Texans touchdown Watson to Fuller. Game tied, 7-7.)

UT

And just like that the Texans strike back.

BFD

Make Watson get rid of the ball, and good things happen. This isn’t difficult, BOB.

UT

I imagine him with a Molskine jotting down “make Watson run the ball” and growling “I got it, I got it.”

BFD

And I imagine Falcons bloggers begging the Falcons to stop running the ball, as well.

Weston

sheesh! that was a nice Ryan play on the run. Houston is creating mass graves on the interior, instead of letting their guys win the one v. one matchups available

BFD

YOU DON’T NEED TO BE BALANCED. YOU NEED TO MOVE THE BALL.

Weston

lol

KOETTER v. O’BRIEN

UT

We are so [kitten]ed.

Weston

THE BATTLE OF THE GALACTIC BRAINS

UT

The bar is changing every single screen to the Eagles game and I’m about to have a [kitten]ing stroke.

Second Quarter:

(Falcons kick a field goal, lead 10-7.)

Kenneth L.

Falcons offense looks smooth

UT

It looked like Hyde and that Falcons defender were folk dancing in the middle of the play.

Kenneth L.

Fantastic kick by the falcons

UT

HOLY [KITTEN] THAT CATCH!

BFD

The play calling does not suck today. Real nice play design on the Fuller TD.

(Watson with a deep bomb to Fuller for the touchdown. Texans lead. 13-10.)

UT

We need to talk about Ka’imi.

(to BFD) Maybe he went to the videotape and got it right for once.

Weston

Oh wow look at what happens when you throw the football

Man, Atlanta’s secondary is awful and confused

UT

Weston

pretty much

this game may actually become fun now that it looks like both these teams are learning this

it’s wild it takes an entire quarter for professional football men to learn something so blatant and so obvious entering the game itself

BFD

And yet, the Falcons run the ball. Again.

Weston

every single Mercilus run stop is against a FB, a TE, or a WR

BFD

Reid looking great out there.

UT

You made one tackle, dude, stop acting like you won the Super Bowl.

This inability to hang onto the ball early is becoming a concern.

TexanRevJ

Yea that blitz was nice

Weston

[Kitten] Diehard Chris is missing out on some hot Mingo special teams play action. The Joker movie probably got him into much of a twisted mindset to enjoy normie football.

BFD

Minshew turning into a pumpkin today. And, in breaking news (not breaking), Mariota and Josh Allen are still [kitten].

UT

Why you gotta break Big Matt’s heart like that, BFD?

That was a weird play.

Welcome to the game Keke Coutee.

TexanRevJ

Keke sighting!!

Weston

It’s been one half of one game and the Panthers have a top five pass defense this year

om[k]g you can throw hot to Coutee

UT

Fuller’s getting a lot of attention this week and I am here for it.

TexanRevJ

Fuller is having a great game! I’m loving it

Weston

I miss when Watt used to make TFL like Jarrett just did there

UT

And the standard false start penalty just when things are going well.

Weston

oh wow, you can use Fuller and Hopkins together on route combinations

UT

I...I think Coutee is trying out to be the new kicker and not doing well at it.

(Texans kick a wimp field goal, lead 16-10.)

BFD

GO FOR IT! OMG! GO FOR IT YOU WHIMP.

Weston

That third down playcall was an abomination. Someone needs to put a note on the playcall sheet that says DONT CALL WR SCREENS

TexanRevJ

Fuller almost made it work though. I hate all screen calls in this offense. Let Deshaun do work

Weston

It’s easy to pick up 8 yards on 3rd and 12 against off man

The play call is only good if you are going for it on fourth down

BFD

Man, watching the Falcons offense, with all that skill talent but lack of imagination, reminds me of something...

UT

It’s kind of a shame there’s no field goal surrender index.

Maybe this, BFD?

Weston

The Texans have to be the one on the left. Its drawn slightly better.

UT

Noted running threat Matt Ryan almost ran for a first down.

Weston

If the Texans and Falcons are bizzaro versions of themselves, then Bills Titans has to fall into that, and same with Panthers Jaguars

UT

Oh come on Gipson.

Weston

Watching how the Falcons are helping McGary out to make Watt one dimensional is a great example of developing your young players

BFD

I’m confused. That was a weak sauce hold, but did they pick up the flag?

UT

Develo-what now?

On the Falcons? Yeah, they picked it up, BOB is [kitten]ed according to Twitter.

Who thought Cheez-It pizza was a good idea?

Kenneth L.

Did we just decline the penalty??!

Trash game so far

BFD

Heck, this is the best game all season! Offense doesn’t look like straight trash for a massive change.

UT

Of course it helps that they’re playing against, essentially, our defense.

(Running touchdown by the Falcons. Falcons lead 17-16.)

BFD

Wow, what a great effort by Freeman.

Weston

BIZARRO WORLD

Atlanta runs a screen that works on 3rd and 5

Freeman can run in a straight line well. It’s all the cutting and ankle breaking he doesn’t do well anymore

BFD

Gipson missed the [kitten] out of that tackle.

UT

Maybe a deep bomb? I don’t know something more than a run there?

TexanRevJ

Gotta love the “lets just take it into half” draw there

Followed by a deep shot. The play calling is once again ridiculous

Weston

Rivers’ Watson defense tweet was kind of sort of brought up by Ronde Barber

BFD

What the [kitten] is our strategy right now? Try to get guys hurt?

UT

Why that?

Halftime Reactions:

Weston

HALFTIME: Throw the football, neither team should run the ball for the rest of this game.

BFD

Every rush from here on out will be a crime against football-manity.

Kenneth L.

I just ordered Uber eats to the wrong location. All hope is lost

Third Quarter:

BFD

Gardner Minshew, in the process of shutting me up, has now dropped 17 points on the Panthers before halftime.

UT

(to BFD) You made him mad.

Coutee did a thing?

COUTEE DID A THING!

COUTEE DID A BIG THING!

BFD

Man, that was some serious Watson being Watson on that pass to Coutee. Goodness.

Weston

Minshew is good. He’s accurate. Nick Foles is going to take the Jags to the AFC Title game after he tears or breaks something in week 15.

BFD

My [Durga], these announcers are infatuated with “balance.”

(Carlos Hyde with the running touchdown. Texans lead 23-17.)

UT

About time they got a running TD that didn’t require Watson to do the legwork.

Weston

Vic Beasley suuuuuuuckkkkksssss

Kenneth L.

Let’s ride

UT

Ryde with Hyde.

Kenneth L.

I guess I’m two minutes behind everyone

Weston

He’s bizarro version of Whitney Mercilus where his wide looping edge rushers never amount to anything, unlike Mercilus who can capture enough big plays, and can’t even make run stops against secondary blockers.

UT

To warm the heart of Big Matt, Teddy Bridgewater just threw a big touchdown pass.

BFD

Falcons are balancing right into the backs of their offensive line.

UT

Thanos as offensive philosophy seems unwise.

BFD

Man, when I was a kid, clipping was the rage penalty. You don’t see it as often, thankfully.

UT

Yeah, I don’t hardly ever hear anyone call clipping anymore.

BFD

It’s a trash penalty.

So, the Falcons, while still trying to find balance, go three and out after getting nothing on first down.

Weston

Matt Ryan’s ball placement has been spottier than my underwear today, and this entire season.

UT

There’s my lede for today: In today’s HotD, we learn that Matt Weston desperately needs a new washing machine. How? You don’t want to know.

Weston

I need a new set of holes is what I need. The washing machine is fine.

UT

Mama, there goes that man.

BFD

Watson with a “backward” stiff arm. LOLOLOLOLOLOL! He is so much fun.

UT

That play could’ve gone wrong three different ways and somehow we managed to avoid all of them.

(Texans kick a field goal. Surprisingly it goes through. Texans lead 26-17.)

Kenneth L.

Magic man

Weston

lol Nick Martin [kitten]y snaps has become one of the funniest parts of this season

BFD

Oh, crap, Mason Rudolph was just murdered. One of the worst hits I’ve ever seen.

Rudolph on his feet. He was clearly out before he hit the ground.

UT

He keeps saying “I’m fine.”

Dude, they had to take the mask off of your helmet and brought out a stretcher. You are not fine.

D.J. Reader cleaning up the sack that J.J. just missed out on.

BFD

Love seeing him get a counting stat there.

Weston

You have to love the full lucky call pass protection that leaves Watt one v. one against a RB

The two teams I hate the most this season are DENVER and ATLANTA

bad coaching will do that to ya

Reader has already eclipsed his sack total from last year

BFD

Stupid penalty by Allen Bailey. WOW.

UT

Deshaun Watson has this uncanny ability to get me to make the same noises that Curly from the Three Stooges made.

Kenneth L.

Watson makes me feel like a mother watching her first son play football

UT

First and goal at the one and we blow it with a false start.

BFD

We could have had this offense all year. All [kitten]ing year.

UT

We’d just need to play a team with our secondary every week.

Knock it the [kitten] off Scharping.

Why can’t it always be this easy?

(Texans score a passing touchdown, Watson to Fells. Texans lead 33-17.)

Weston

I want the Falcons to hire me to walk in and fire Dan Quinn and Dirk Koetter like Up In The Air

UT

(to Weston) That’s a deep cut.

BFD

This must be what it’s like for opposing fans to watch the Texans.

Kenneth L.

Their offense is stale

Fourth Quarter:

Weston

So what do y’all want to talk about while we waste this last hour of our lives that we will never get back?

UT

Fire Carter. Into the Lesser Magellanic Cloud.

BFD

Carter alligator armed that.

UT

How about the [kitten] poor special teams?

BFD

And of course they run the ball. Good [Durga].

Weston

hahaha never mind

UT

This game is going to come down to the last play again, isn’t it?

Weston

Maybe, the last possession

BFD

Stupid football. We finally have one game where it’s not the Texans, and then we are subjected to the Falcons.

Weston

[kitten] that was a horrifying playcall

UT

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, Texans got the fumble! I can’t wait for the review to call it a touchdown.

BFD

He crossed. It was clear real time.

Weston

[Durga] [kitten] just run a qb sneak

(Fumble ruled in favor of the Texans, review states the ball crossed the goal line so TD Falcons. Texans lead 33-25.)

UT

Now join us, won’t you, as we watch Bill O’Brien run the ball on every single play from now until the end of the quarter.

Weston

LFG

BFD

Don’t forget the screens!

Weston

I wish McGary would punch and grab Watt and time his punches better

RUN RUN 3rd Down Screen, clench your butts

UT

Okay, so they threw a pass.

Weston

the clock is bad, KILL IT

BFD

Welp, this is a good looking drive. Still pushing the ball downfield.

UT

So wait they’re...not...killing the clock? Is our boy BOB growing up before our very eyes?

LOL, don’t answer, I know the answer already.

BFD

Man, Scharping got chewed up and spit out.

Wow, a great drive there.

(Watson to Fells for the touchdown. Texans lead 40-25.)

UT

WHERE DA [KITTEN] WAS THIS ALL SEASON?

BFD

Fells reminded me of when I was a kid and my 6’4” uncle would do that ish to me.

UT

Gentlemen, we haz a 40-burger.

BFD

Well, it helps that they cannot get to the passer.

Weston

Jarrett is the only who could win his matchup

Kenneth L.

Wow I didn’t think we had 40 points in us today’s

UT

Me neither, at least not without the Falcons having something close to 40 as well.

Oh for [kitten]’s sake!

Watt finally with a sack that didn’t get flagged for questionable reasons.

(Calvin Ridley is entirely uncovered for a Falcons touchdown (grape job, defense). Texans lead 40-32.)

UT

Someone blew a [kitten] assignment.

Bill, no, stop, it’s a scoring play you can’t challenge you [kitten]ing idiot.

BFD

Great catch by Ridley. Back to a one score game.

Weston

It has to end in a one score game. This is the prophecy. It must be written.

BFD

Again, it’s just so crazy playing our mirror offense. It’s best for both teams to fall behind so they have to abandon the run.

Weston

I can’t believe they aren’t going for two here. [Durga] Quinn sucks.

UT

Fire Carter.

BFD

WTH was Carter thinking?

Massive self-own by the Falcons.

Wow, so we got away with one.

UT

Make your peace with [Durga] now.

BFD

Oh, boy, what do we do here?

Weston

And they don’t challenge it, and Quinn wastes his timeout after the third down conversion. I’m so glad I don’t care about the Falcons.

(Deeeeeeeep bomb to Fuller from Watson. Texans score a touchdown, lead 47-32.)

UT

WEROIWNCEW;RLGIHDV;SLEIGJEW;OISEHV;DSLGN!!!!

BFD

I’ll be [kitten]ed.

First, the empty backfield. Then, letting Deshaun be Deshaun. Fantastic.

What a beautiful pass.

Kenneth L.

I BENCHED FULLER IN OUR LEAGUE

(Tashaun Gipson picks off Matt Ryan and runs it back for a touchdown. Texans lead 53(!)-32.)

UT

FIFTYBURGER!!!!!!!!!!

BFD

I love that run back by Gipson. Not a single non OL hustling back on that. RUB IT IN.

UT

They totally gave up on stopping him.

They just quit.

(Texans win 53-32.)

Postgame Reactions:

Weston

whispers, The Falcons may move on from Matt Ryan after this season

BFD

SCORIGAMI!!!!!

Weston

The offense was beautiful, but the Falcons are wretched and their narrative is based off of BIG NAMES and counting stats. It’s just perfect and beautiful to see Houston score a bunch of points against a bad team, and not roll around in the filth when they shouldn’t be.

Game Balls:

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls! It’s been a while so there’s a few players that are due.

Offense - It would make total sense to give one to Deshaun Watson for throwing five touchdowns and 400+ yards with a perfect passer rating. But you know what? Will Fuller never gets love here, so let’s give him the game ball.

Defense - This one goes to D.J. Reader for his work creating pressure and getting a sack on Matt Ryan.

Special Teams - I reject the premise.

So what do you think, BRB? Got someone else you want to give a game ball to? Disagree with something we’ve said? Let us know in the comments!