Houston Texans Final Score/Post-Game Recap: Texans 7, Ravens 41

I have a lot of experience babysitting. One of the kids was three years old. He used throw his food when I wasn’t looking. It could be spaghetti, cereal, a chicken nugget, you name it. I didn’t catch him doing it ALL the time, so some of his messes would be left there. Later on, I would find these messes and see old, crusty, disgusting food that looked like heinous substances you would find in a witch’s cauldron.

The Texans basically did that against the Ravens except everybody noticed. Nothing hidden here. Actually, I would argue it was worse.

It all started when Marlon Humphrey committed the pass interference of all pass interference penalties on DeAndre Hopkins. It was in the end zone on a fourth down. It was not called before or after Bill O’Brien’s challenge flag because John Harbaugh has pictures of the refs that they would prefer not be leaked to the public.

O’Brien also stuck to the same run-run-pass pattern that allowed the Ravens to send the house at Deshaun Watson. It is the most stale, predictable play-calling imaginable, but he is the coach and we are just random people on the internet, so unfortunately, our voices will not be heard inside the Texans’ facility.

Lamar Jackson is a beautiful human and nobody in the city of Baltimore owns a Joe Flacco jersey anymore. He is obviously electrifying with his legs, but his pinpoint accuracy and ball placement in this game were therapeutic. You are lying if you disagree. Baltimore’s tight ends are so good.

Matthew Judon deserves wine and cheese after that fine performance. He leads a cast of Baltimore linebackers who are actually good. The Texans thought they would get the Jaguars and Chiefs linebackers in this one. They did not.

Deshaun Watson needs to get rid of the ball and stop trying to do too much. I am the first person to ever say this about him; nobody has ever thought this before me. He killed a couple of drives by tacking long sacks, including the opening drive that resulted in a fumble recovery. His escapability is a blessing 75 percent of the time and a curse the other 25 percent. This game was the latter.

The Texans’ linebackers and defensive backs are too slow and can easily be picked apart. It is not even just a scheme issue; they just could not keep up with Baltimore’s offensive personnel.

Kai’mi Fairbairn is not a good kicker.

With everything mentioned, the Texans were completely embarrassed, and everyone who wanted this game flexed into a prime time slot must feel pretty silly right now. The Texans are the only team who could look that flat coming off of a bye week.

If you want to feel somewhat better, just think about how the guy wearing #8 for the Ravens should have been a running back or wide receiver in the eyes of many, and appreciate the fact that you’re smarter than people who get paid to do this whole analyst thing.

This game probably cost the Texans any chance of a first-round bye (no team since the 2012 Ravens made it to the Super Bowl without one). It looks like Thursday’s game at home against the Indianapolis Colts may decide the division.

Thursday Night Football is right around the corner, and this game was hideous. It’s the worst game the Texans have played in years given the talent they have. Luckily, they’ll get a chance to quickly recover. The 6-4 Texans host the 6-4 Colts this Thursday at 7:20 p.m. CST at NRG Stadium.