Hair of the Dog - Texans/Ravens

So...how are y’all doing today? Now that you’ve had about, um...carry the four...about 18 hours to digest whatever that was we saw Sunday, how’s things? Do you have a lot going on in your world? I bet you do.

Like um...familial obligations and um...the new season of Man In The High Castle started Friday so I’m sure some of you are into that (please, no spoilers if you’ve already binged it all). Oh! How about dental hygiene, I know that someone out there has to be dealing with some kind of flossing emergency.

If it’s not painfully clear by now, I’m doing everything I can to avoid bringing up the game itself. It’s bad enough to watch it, but now I have to transcribe the chat and relive it. It’s also very late here as I have tried to distract myself to avoid confronting this again. Laundry, farming video games, photoshop projects, I’ve used them all but that doesn’t change the fact that here we are and there needs to be a recap of the game.

Anyway, there’s no point in putting it off any longer. Let’s get to the dog so we can get it in the rearview mirror and look ahead to the...the, uh...Colts on Thursday night.

[Kitten].

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make the thread safe to read at work. The thread won’t get you in trouble at work, but it won’t do you any favors mentally.

Enjoy!

As for me, I’m going to watch some episodes of Battlebots I have on DVR in the hope that watching stuff blow up and metal flying around will make me feel better.

Pregame Discussion

Diehard Chris

I’m excited about this game for once.

Weston

Sadly, I swear the gif doesn’t have nudity

UT

Um...thanks?

They have Texans/Ravens on the big screen today and I could not be more miserable to hear Dan Fouts’ voice.

FIRST QUARTER

UT

Looks like we’re getting the ball first.

Run up the middle to start.

Weston

I don’t mind Fouts. He makes me want to pour whiskey into my oatmeal

UT

Going with a bunch of short passes in the middle it would seem.

Overall he’s not terrible but he sure seems to have it in for the Texans.

(FUMBLE RECOVERED BY BALTIMORE)

Matt Burnham

What the [kitten] was that

UT

It’s only wizardry if you manage to get rid of the ball AND NOT LIKE THAT DESHAUN!

Weston

[Kitten] that was a great play by Matthew Judon. He’s the only guy they got.

Capt Ron

No magic, no hat, no rabbit, and no football. That was terrible by Watson.

UT

Johnson almost palmed an interception right there.

Matt Burnham

Here we go again...

Weston

Boykin v. Johnson is a fun matchup. It’s hard to run deep posts against off man coverage.

Capt Ron

While I’m listing the things Houston is missing, “no pass rush” as well. Shocker!

Weston

3rd & 7, sure bring only three

UT

We only NEED three pass rushers.

Capt Ron

This is one of those games where Clowney could have helped but whatever. Golf clap for GM O’Brien on that misery.

UT

They almost got to him that time.

In fact I’m surprised they didn’t throw the flag.

(RAVENS FIELD GOAL IS NO GOOD)

Matt Burnham

Hahahaha sweet

UT

BOOOOOOOOINOINOINOINOINOINOINOINOINOINOING

Weston

Look they brought a blitz, and it kind of worked!

DONK

Matt Burnham

Let’s just pretend none of that stuff ever happened and the game actually starts now

UT

Safety Mike Adams out with concussion already.

Capt Ron

As I chew down this spicy pickle in my Bloody Mary, I concur. Clean slate, let’s go!

UT

Wait, we have a...good third down conversion rate?

Matt Burnham

Hopkins already has 4 first down catches lol

UT

Okay, just Watson to Hopkins for medium yardage all day today.

Capt Ron

Hopkins is lit today. Putting in a clinic for moving the chains.

Weston

He’s [kitten]ing Jamison Crowder now and I kind of hate it, but every catch is a first down

UT

The downs justify the means.

Matt Burnham

Bill O’Brien’s QB-WR combo has beautiful rhythm and they run it three times in a row

UT

Why. The [kitten]. Would. You. Run. On. That. Play?

Capt Ron

Ravens built a wall, and O’Brien stubbornly paid for it. What an idiot OC he is!

Weston

Matthew Judon has been the best player on the field when the Texans have the ball

UT

That is the most obvious [Durga][kitten] PI I’ve seen all season.

Capt Ron

That’s pass interference you blind [KITTENS] wearing stripes!

Weston

come the [kitten] on bro

UT

Okay BOB, I usually don’t advocate for this, but let your freak flag fly on the field!

Weston

lol there’s no way they overturn this. They never do.

Matt Burnham

Even if it gets correctly overturned I still can’t get over the fact that Bill chose to run it three times in a row.

Capt Ron

Not just that, but when they changed personnel on 3rd down and sent in five massive humans that could serve as honorary Hutts, you might not want to hammer up the middle. Just saying.

(CALL STANDS)

UT

Go [kitten] yourselves forever, refs.

Capt Ron

[Kitten] NFL refs. This is garbage.

Weston

You have to slice the receiver open and eat his heart for these calls to be overturned.

[Kitten] Lamar Jackson just crop dusted Jacob Martin

UT

Look, refs, if you’re not going to call a stupidly obvious pass interference call on replay, just say so. That way when y’all miss a pass interference call that would’ve been painfully obviously to a cluster of blind hedgehogs in a bag in outer space, we’ll understand that you can’t be bothered to get it right.

Just be honest about your incompetence is all I’m really asking for here.

(RAVENS TURNOVER ON DOWNS AFTER FAKE FIELD GOAL ATTEMPT)

Matt Burnham

What the [kitten] lmao

Vega

This game is stupid

UT

That’s what you get for being cute!

Matt Burnham

Alright, once again, let’s pretend like nothing ever happened and the game actually starts NOW

Diehard Chris

Buahahaha I knew that was gonna be a fake

Matt Burnham

Third time is the charm

Diehard Chris

But I thought they’d get it

Kenneth L.

Just woke up. What did I miss

Diehard Chris

Good jorb specials good jorb

UT

A lot of bumble[kitten]ing on all sides.

Weston

I forgot A.J. Moore is a thing that exists

Matt Burnham

Offense, defense, coaches, coordinators, refs. Everyone at least bumble[kitten]ed a little bit. A complete, symmetric bumble[kitten] if you will.

UT

Deshaun fumbled after some wizardry. Ravens doinked a field goal on the ensuing play. The refs missed the most blindingly obvious pass interference call of the season and the Ravens just faked a field goal and turned it over on downs anyway.

Luke

How’s things looking fellas?

UT

::takes page from Weston’s book::

NOT NOW LUKE.

Kenneth L.

Ugly sack. Don’t know who’s fault that is

Weston

Luke and I are real life friends now so I can’t talk to him like that anymore

Vega

Did Watson lose a tooth on that one?

Weston

BIG PLAY BARKEVIOUS MINGO CHASED DOWN THE FAKE FG

Capt Ron

I saw something white go flying

Kenneth L.

Fun

UT

And Mingo was his name-o

Kenneth L.

Fun

GUM

I HATE AUTOCORRECT

UT

He can have one of mine Vega,

Weston

I actually hope he lost his tooth there. That would be bad[kitten]ing[kitten].

UT

Just not one of the front teeth because that’ll look weird on all his future HEB promo stuff.

Diehard Chris

Moore DEFINITELY stole Mingo’s glory on that fake FG.

UT

We’re down to one time out. I can’t blame BOB too much for the first one but what the hell on that second one.

Vega

I feel like the Texans have 2-3 illegal formation penalties per game

Matt Burnham

How do you take a timeout and still come out with that

Capt Ron

Stop designing plays so complicated that the players can’t even line up correctly, BoB!

Weston

”Moore DEFINITELY stole Mingo’s glory on that fake FG.”

You [kitten]!

Vega

This game continues to be stupid

SECOND QUARTER

Weston

This run-run-pass stuff sucks. It’s allowing BAL to heavy blitz and get the ball out quickly. They’re allowing Baltimore to dictate their offense so far.

UT

For a game that touted both these amazing quarterbacks, I’m stunned it’s scoreless going into the second. [Kitten], I’m stunned it’s not 6-0.

Ain’t nobody come to see you throw flags, ref.

Weston

Fun Fact: On the Texans last two possessions they ran on first and second down and then turned the ball back over to Baltimore.

Matt Burnham

This is awful

Vega

I think the Referee’s Union changed the compensation package to be on a “per flag thrown”.

UT

You and I are going to have to have a talk about what fun is, Weston.

Vega

Unless it’s obvious PI, of course

UT

I suspect they get paid double if they get someone to throw a flag to challenge PIs.

”No Texan within five yards of [PLAYER NAME HERE].” Grape job, y’all.

This drive is not going to end well for us.

Weston

[Durga] their pass rush is so bad. Jackson is just going to quick pass them to death.

Crennel needs to start bringing 6+

UT

Preferably carrying baseball bats.

Weston

Sure, quarterback power, Jackson trips, still gets 12 or so

(TOUCHDOWN RAVENS. BALTIMORE LEADS 7-0)

Matt Burnham

It’s gonna be a long one guys

Weston

Gareon Conley couldn’t leap up and knock that one away after getting beat in man coverage

UT

Relatedly: Edgar Allen Poe is overrated and Baltimore’s crab cakes suck.

Weston

He’s been Shareece Wrighting his entire time in Houston so far. It finally got him.

The Cask Of Amontillado slaps though

UT

(SPOILER ALERT IF YOU’VE NEVER READ IT): Slowly burying a guy alive behind a wall isn’t all that scary.

Kenneth L.

Coutee is playing today

UT

Hey, lookie there, a pass on first down.

Matt Burnham

This sucks so bad

Weston

Dude that [kitten] is 20th century scary. I just love the dialogue and the simplicity of the story.

Matt Burnham

This game sucks

Couldn’t have come off a bye week any worse

Kenneth L.

That sack is a coverage sack that’s on Coutee for running the wrong route and Watson

UT

That’s a Third And I Give Up.

Kenneth L.

We look stale

Weston

Wow Coutee and Hopkins running the same route there. Yeah, but you have no idea what the playcall is Kenneth. No clue if it’s Coutee or Hopkins.

Kenneth L.

I’m guessing it’s Coutee

Bc of history

A little confirmation bias never hurts

Capt Ron

I’m about to turn this [kitten] show off. Between the disgusting officiating, the overly-complex ineffective offensive plays—man I hate O’Brien as an OC—and Watson trying too hard and getting killed, this is seriously bad football.

UT

I’m with Kenneth, Coutee’s been in the dog house and barely seen playing time, it would be more likely to be his mistake than Nuk’s.

Weston

Sure, sure, sure. I just don’t know who’s that’s on.

Kenneth L.

I want Michael Thomas. I wonder what his trade value is

Matt Burnham

Can’t develop any pressure and their pass defense is awful at best

UT

Mrs. UT is not amused by your trade idea Kenneth.

Weston

DeAndre Hopkins is pretty much Michael Thomas now

Slot WR, slant runner, first down converter

UT

Is he coated in friggin’ lard or something?

Correct me if I’m mistaken, but wasn’t that run by the Ravens the exact same play that BOB started the game off with?

Capt Ron

The Texans defense has a wobble in that axle and the wheels may come off soon. Especially if ole’ Billy Boy O’Brien can’t get his offense working to give them a breather.

Matt Burnham

A 2nd and 17 touchdown pass haha

(TOUCHDOWN RAVENS. BALTIMORE LEADS 14-0)

Weston

oooo that throw has me sweating

Does Houston have a problem?

[Ed. Note: You’re fired Matt.]

UT

If I ever become president, my first act will be to sign an executive order making “Houston You Have A Problem” signs illegal and punishable by death. Like really painful death too.

Like boiling in oil or some [kitten].

Matt Burnham

They’ve always had a problem

Kenneth L.

All of a sudden it’s 14-0

UT

Honestly it should be 20-0.

Capt Ron

There goes a wheel.

Weston

14 points isn’t that bad in the first half from the defense. It’s this ball control offensive style that’s catching up to them. The Ravens have linebackers. Kansas City, Oakland, and Jacksonville don’t.

Kenneth L.

Wait we’ve been sacked 4 times?

UT

Yeah, mostly look like coverage sacks or badly blown assignments.

Weston

Brandon Willliams interior rushes, and open lanes after a few seconds of pass protection.

Capt Ron

Watson sacked himself at least 3 times. Coutee helped on one by running the wrong route again. I’m sure that’s the last we have seen of Coutee as a Texan.

Matt Burnham

Yup Coutee is gone

UT

Coutee better send that ref a lovely fruit basket for bailing him out there.

One of the really good one with mangoes and stuff.

Capt Ron

So ripping a WR’s arm away before the ball arrives is not pass interference? Noted.

Weston

I got an edible arrangement giftcard from 2011 he can use

Houston is finally keeping a back into protect after all the delayed spy blitzes

UT

I’ll give a pass on that one since Hopkins had a chance to grab the ball, Peters just knocked it away from him at the last second.

Capt Ron

Still, grabbing his arm isn’t PI?!! WTF has this league devolved into with respect to the actual written rules?

Weston

The ball is in the air, it isn’t egregious, they’re watching the game in real time, it looks a lot worse in slow motion.

UT

Glad to see Kenny Stills making an appearance finally.

(DESHAUN WATSON GETS INJURED)

UT

Nonononononononononononononononononono

That’s an ankle.

Weston

[KITTEN]

with 7 nation army chanting in the background to unleash the gates of [kitten]

Kenneth L.

Ugh

That’s another sack

BFD

What happened to Watson?

UT

It looked like he might’ve turned an ankle or something.

Kenneth L.

SPIKE THE [KITTEN] BALL

Matt Burnham

How has this [kitten]ing bum not been cut

Capt Ron

Big guy sacked him and rolled his body over Watson’s ankle

(TEXANS FIELD GOAL IS NO GOOD. HAMSTERDAM LEADS 14-0)

Matt Burnham

This dude is so [kitten]ing awful it’s unreal

Diehard Chris

Lololol garbage [kitten] kicker as he’s always been

I hate football

UT

We need to talk about Ka’imi Fairbairn.

Kenneth L.

Wait ignore me

BFD

How bad does it look for Watson?

Kenneth L.

Fire fairbairn

Booioo

I’m upset

HALFTIME REACTIONS

Capt Ron

Toss Coutee and Fairbairn into the [kitten] ship channel and move on.

Kenneth L.

Cancel the season

Fire the GM

UT

We can’t even rely on the patented All Field Goal Offense we’ve come to know and love.

Kenneth L.

Trade away all first and second round picks

UT

Um...

About that

BFD

Houston needed to come out aggressively and score early and often. We aren’t playing Jacksonville, FKS.

Weston

THERE HE IS

UT

Also, if Deshaun Watson is hurt, I’m declaring a fatwa against that Ravens defender.

Kenneth L.

We should trade for an elite left tackle that we don’t know if we can resign next year

Capt Ron

Halftime thoughts?

1. Harbaugh > O’Brien, especially at offensive play design, play calling and personnel management.

2. The Texans needed Clowney after all.

3. NFL refs are actually worse than high school refs, because even with replay to get it right they refuse to do so.

Kenneth L.

I’ve been watching too much Peaky Blinders. We should pay off the refs

UT

Finally, someone’s making sense here!

Matt Burnham

John Christian Ka’iminoeauloameka’ikeokekumupa’a “Ka’imi” Fairbairn is his real name.

THIRD QUARTER

UT

I would pay 20 bucks to hear Dan Fouts try to say his full name.

Capt Ron

Houston had two weeks to prepare and this is the best they can do?

Now can we fire O’Brien?

UT

Wasn’t the big idea that we were going to keep the ball out of Jackson’s hands this game? Yet we’re losing the TOP battle. That seems counterproductive to the whole ball control theory.

Matt Burnham

This defense is so frustratingly undisciplined

UT

And of course there’s a flag down.

Matt Burnham

Like what the [kitten] why is that necessary

Capt Ron

Oh NOW you call PI?

UT

There was no way on this Earth or any other Earth that exists that he was going to catch that ball.

We’re gonna get dumptrucked aren’t we?

BFD

I cannot wait for people to blame the refs for this loss.

UT

If you look at Rivers’ twitter feed, that’s already happening.

Weston

Jackson’s ball placement is obscene

Matt Burnham

He went untouched hahahahahaha

(TOUCHDOWN RAVENS. BALTIMORE LEADS 21-0)

UT

I could be doing something productive right now, like playing Stardew Valley.

Capt Ron

Ingram unaccounted for and scores a Touchdown! Time for RAC to retire.

Diehard Chris

I did think it was strange that Texans fans were so amped up after slapping the Jags around. Show me something against any good team. So far, just the Chiefs.

UT

And even that was against a Mahomes who was pretty clearly not all right.

BFD

And no Chris Jones.

UT

Per Barshop: Lamar Jackson has 10 straight completions.

Grape job, defense.

Weston

RAC has been badass this season. This isn’t on him. This team has zero pass rush without Watt, and they have a secondary that could be good if they still had a top ten pass rush.

Oh great cue the 2011 footage.

BFD

Down 21-0. Carlos Hyde up the middle.

Gotta blame the refs.

Weston

Bro we shouldn’t even be on air right now

Matt Burnham

Watson is gonna die

UT

They literally let two rushers just blow right past the line.

Weston

He’s noticeably slower now.

UT

And he’s not even trying to wizard them.

This is not good.

Capt Ron

Dear Roger Goodell, your product is a steaming pile of [kitten]!

Dear Bill O’Brien, your product is even worse.

Weston

Watson is out of mana

TexanRevJ

Just caught up. This is going to get much worse isn’t it? Don’t seem to have any answer for the pass rush

Matt Burnham

“This one is on me”

“We have to be better than that”

“We can’t afford to make these mistakes”

Did I miss one?

UT

Fine, shoot your prisoner.

Weston

The problem hasn’t even been the pass rush. It’s been the playcalling that put them into third and long which opens the door for the Ravens’ third down blitzes.

UT

Lonnie Johnson is hurt.

Weston

Jackson just Vick’ed em

TexanRevJ

Dagger through the heart

Matt Burnham

You could also change the V to a D and it would still be true.

Capt Ron

Sadly, the MVP race just ended.

UT

If that had gone for a touchdown, I would have to watch that run for the rest of my natural life.

Not quite, Russell Wilson is still in the hunt.

But for Deshaun, I’d say the MVP chase is pretty much over.

Matt Burnham

In my non-bias opinion I don’t think he’s been in it for a few weeks anyway. Barring drastic change of events it was always gonna be Russ and Lamar

Team isn’t good enough and the other two have been more “captivating”

UT

And that looks like Justin Reid who’s hurt.

Capt Ron

Have the QBs switch teams today. Scoreboard might look exactly the same. O’Brien is THAT bad at play design and play calling.

UT

We are so [kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitten]ed...

TexanRevJ

Reid’s shoulder might fall off before the end of the season

(FIELD GOAL RAVENS. BALTIMORE LEADS 24-0)

Weston

I mean if Houston won this game and was set up for a bye week in the playoffs Watson would be in that top three. Wilson still has my vote, and I have vote of course.

UT

At this point, I’m just hoping it’s not a shutout.

Like [kitten], Big Matt, if you had a vote, you’d be voting for, like, Derwin James or something like that.

Weston

Hahahaha. He’s not in my heart shaped box.

UT

Then who would you vote for, leaving aside the obvious candidates. What obscure player in your heart shaped box would you vote for MVP?

(RAVENS INTERCEPTION)

UT

Watson is clearly not right.

Capt Ron

“Aight, I’m out”

Weston

It would be Wilson. He’s made the best throws I’ve seen this season and they still haven’t pass protected all that well, and SEA’s defense has been awful until Jaraan Reed got back and started going.

That being said, I’d put Fred Warner on my All-Pro team

UT

I said not the obvious candidates.

(FIELD GOAL RAVENS. BALTIMORE LEADS 27-0)

Weston

Dalvin Cook then. The pass offense relies on their screen game, he’s leading the league in yards from scrimmage, is top 5 in broken tackles, and the entire offense is based around him.

UT

That’s a fair one. I could get behind that.

Reid’s out with a shoulder injury per Barshop.

You can’t hurt me anymore, Texans offense. I’ve lost all feeling.

BFD

They should pull Watson.

Weston

His shoulder has been mangled since that JAX game

Naw BFD, O’Brien has to make this game look closer than it actually was via Miami or Atlanta 2015.

UT

::pulls cord on BOB word box::

”We don’t pull players, we fight until the clock is all zeros, no matter what the cost.”

::pulls cord again::

”The cow says “it starts with mooooooooo”

Sorry, still fine tuning it.

Have we been this sloppy on penalties all season or is it only in the last few weeks? I’m having trouble remembering.

FOURTH QUARTER

UT

I’ve lost the ability to notice time.

Weston

Cool they’re running the plays they should have run in the first half now that they’re down 27-0

(TURNOVER ON DOWNS. RAVENS BALL.)

Matt Burnham

I’ve turned off the game and decided to play Madden

[Ed. Note: For pretty obvious reasons the conversation kind of lulled here, so most of the fourth quarter has been completed in a completely different style at great expense and at the last minute.]

UT

I know we’re going to score a touchdown because at some point this will turn into garbage time and that’s when we [kitten]ing SHINE!

(TOUCHDOWN RAVENS. BALTIMORE LEADS 34-0.)

Capt Ron

Today Lamar Jackson was the Mandalorian, and the Texans were the stinky Jawas getting tossed into the mud.

UT

Just think, if they had scored those two field goals, the Ravens would be up 40-0 now.

Kenneth L.

I’m Turing the game off

Weston

lmfao

UT

I think they’re cutting away from the Texans game.

All I can say is, thank you CBS.

CBS to Texans: Go home, you’re drunk.

Does anyone else still have the game on, those of you who haven’t done the wise thing and started doing anything else, that is?

Diehard Chris

I just don’t understand how they are getting beaten so badly after beating ........ the Jaguars.

Vega

Why is Watson still in the game?

Weston

Remember Cecil Shorts and Arian Foster died in game situations just like this

BFD

BOB does not care. He just wants the team to make it close, which ain’t gonna happen.

UT

If the Texans score (waits for laughs to die down) let me know.

BFD

Ummmm....

Vega

Hyde just scored a TD

UT

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

BFD

OK, we scored. Pull Watson. Don’t Tua’d him.

(TEXANS TOUCHDOWN. CARLOS HYDE WITH A 41 YARD RUN. BALTIMORE LEADS 34-7)

UT

HOT [KITTEN] IT WON’T BE A SHUTOUT!!!

BFD

#Ravens pull Lamar Jackson before the #Texans pull Deshaun Watson. One team is also up 34 to 7 on the other team. This tells me: one team has a good, aware head coach while the other team’s coach is Bill O’Brien.

(TOUCHDOWN RAVENS. BALTIMORE LEADS 41-7)

UT

They’re not even trying and they’re dunking on our defense.

They finally pulled Watson.

Matt Burnham

I just don’t wanna listen to the media for a whole week about how Lamar Jackson is better than Watson who is overrated

BFD

There’s only one coach in the league capable of stopping Watson: Bill O’Brien.

Capt Ron

I would live to see what Watson could do with Shanahan, Reid or Harbaugh as his coach. His talent is waisting away in Houston with Billy Boy.

BFD

Em-[kitten]-barrassing.

(TEXANS LOSE 41-7)

POST GAME REACTIONS

UT

The only thing that keeps the Texans from looking like absolute garbage is Deshaun Watson.

Weston

The Ravens were the better football team today. I got to do a better job. It’s all on me.

Capt Ron

Just post a picture of the Sarlac Pit with Texans players getting sucked in. In the next frame, the camera pulls back and it’s BOB’s chin.

In the foreground, Cal McNair is drinking scotch on Jabba’s yacht. Meanwhile Lamar Jackson is decked out as a Mandalorian with Ravens colored armor and flying away with his rocket pack.

GAME BALLS

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