Hair of the Dog: Texans v. Jags

As you will see me say multiple times in this, I’ve been up a really long time today, so I’m tired, I’m making a delicious dinner of siga wot (Ethiopian beef stew) and I don’t have much to add other than what I usually add to this part of the Hair of the Dog.

This was a great win, a badly needed win as far as the Texans’ playoff hopes are concerned, and a dominating win in a foreign country, and Bill O’Brien coached a pretty solid game all things considered. So you know what? I’ll lay off him (mostly) this week*.

That said, this is probably what we should expect from the Texans going forward, a really cringeworthy defense (save for a couple of bright spots here and there) and an offense that will live and die on how Deshaun Watson performs in a given week. This is just what’s going to happen.

*This does not include anything said during HotD, that’s a whole other thing.

Anyway, on to this week’s Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to maintain freshness/make this post safe to read at work. Mostly. I think.

Just don’t do it at the office, okay?

Enjoy!

This post was recorded live in front of a studio audience.

PRE-GAME TALK

Weston

[Kitten] those cowards really let us play the star spangled banner on their homeland.

USA USA USA USA USA USA

UT

It feels like a bit of insult to injury, throwing the Brits out of the country and then making them sing our song.

Luke

I’m sure they’ll manage somehow.

(Tony Boselli appears on TV)

UT

PURGE HIM!!

Luke

So apparently EU gamepass doesn’t work in North America. That’s novel.

UT

(to Luke) Oh that is some bull[kitten].

FIRST QUARTER

UT

Why? Why’d you leave the end zone? Nothing good happens when you do that.

Run up the middle actually proved to be useful for once.

Matt Burnham

I like what I’m seeing so far

UT

LOL, it’s so [kitten] quiet at the game, except for the occasional polite clapping.

[Durga] help them if they try to move a team to London.

tGC

I got super excited when I saw that pass because I thought for a moment that I was seeing Andre Johnson and then I realized it was just a not-busy Andre Johnson-sized tight end.

Matt Burnham

Oh come on

UT

Clete Blakeman on his bull[kitten] early I see.

Weston

RIGHT-O YOUNG CHAP

tGC

Let’s break for tea

UT

And scones.

tGC

To discuss that turrible call

Weston

I miss Juli’en Davenport

UT

::pats Weston on head:: I know, buddy, I know.

tGC

My goal is to not have my viewing interrupted by rocket fire

Matt Burnham

Hahaha

UT

That’s a worthy goal tGC.

First and 35 FFS.

tGC

[Durga] our o line is bad

Matt Burnham

Oh my [Durga] how did Watson miss that

Weston

That call is karma after running the ball on 1st and 25 cowards

Matt Burnham

Well this sucks

UT

I DID NOT DRAG MY [KITTEN] OUT OF BED TO WATCH YOU CLETE BLAKEMAN!

tGC

I don’t know how Watson hasn’t snapped yet.

Weston

I’m glad Mitchell is playing instead of Keke Coutee, because Keke did a bad bad thing.

UT

Keke knows what he did wrong.

(Texans strike first with glorious 52-yard field goal, lead 3-0)

tGC

Kicks it straight to Covent Garden

Rocket fire update: still none

Weston

O’Brien calling runs on 1st and 25, screens on 3rd and 13, 3rd and 19, and now I’m going to the gym.

I wish BFD was up so we could laugh about how dumb every Jaguars’ rushing attempt is

UT

Do you think that British people at Jags games are just as confused about that DUUUUUUUVAL stuff as the rest of the US is?

Matt Burnham

Why do I feel like the score is gonna be 9-3 at half

UT

Because that’s just written in the stars.

Weston

yeah the stars on the [Durga][kitten] american flag

UT

Kenny Stills has a groin injury. Even in London this team is cursed.

Matt Burnham

Murica

tGC

The only reason that one play action on second and long was almost effective is because OF COURSE it’s realistic for O’Brien to call a run there.

Matt Burnham

I love running it twice inside the 10

tGC

That’s how you win

UT

Run. Run. Pass. Punt.

And yet, there’s Stills.

tGC

Strong take

Weston

This game sucks until the Jaguars finally get a lead.

UT

Okay, I guess not a punt, I thought they called that incomplete for some dumb reason.

tGC

That running play worked a well a the first time we tried it.

Matt Burnham

Do you think Carlos Hyde has dirt on BOB’s wife?

Only explanation

UT

Oh [Durga], burn those suits y’all.

tGC

Hmmm

What if we never ran the ball ever

Would we be better?

Matt Burnham

Run run pass is what you’re supposed to do when Mitch Trubisky is your quarterback

UT

(to tGC) I think...probably not?

#PuntingIsWinning

Johnathan Joseph has to retire now. That’s not me, that’s just how the rules work.

Weston

ooooo Fournette just liquefied Johnathan Joseph

And yes, I 100% think the Texans’ offense would be better if they threw the ball on every play

UT

The only thing stopping this Jacksonville Jaguars offense is the Jacksonville Jaguars offense.

Weston

lmfao yeah that’s the truth UT

tGC

I wish the NFL could hire a bunch of Milwall fans for this game. Give it some atmosphere.

UT

(to tGC) Maybe get Cyril the Swan on the sidelines causing hilarious antics.

Jeremy

this game makes me sad

Diehard Chris

Did anyone ever ask BOB wtf is up with Coutee??

tGC

As someone married to a Swansea native, I endorse Cyril the Swan.

SECOND QUARTER

UT

One of the podcasts I listen to did an entire episode dedicated to Cyril, so now I wish he’d be at every sporting event, British soccer related or otherwise.

The Dollop (England & The UK) Episode 2: Cyril The Swan

tGC

They have fewer rushing yards than we do.

Jeremy

CORNELL. ARMSTRONG. FUTURE CB1.

tGC

(to UT) Do you think Cyril can play o line?

Jeremy

deandre carter actually let a ball go into the end zone omg

UT

(to tGC) Oh easily. At absolute minimum he’d [kitten] off defensive linemen to get them to go offsides every other play.

tGC

I imagine he could use his long wingspan, consisting of actual wings, to good advantage.

UT

He probably couldn’t play center then since he’d need one of those wings to snap the ball, maybe guard?

Diehard Chris

Looks like Rod Johnson is in at LT

Jeremy

deshaun [Durga]son yet again

UT

Deshaun Watson is a [kitten] wizard, but we all knew that.

Jeremy

[Kitten]it now carlos hyde is hurt

UT

Stop dying you cowards!

tGC

(to UT) Think how effective he could be pulling and on screens

Also, Watson is silly

Sweet [Durga], why couldn’t we play fake there

Matt Burnham

Why does Bill hate Deshaun I have no idea

UT

BOB going for it.

Diehard Chris

BOB running Hyde plays for Duke. Sigh

Jeremy

JORDAN. AKINS. UCF.

Weston

3rd & 2 run KILL ME

Diehard Chris

Not the same runner ya dunce

Jeremy

I-

Weston

Myles Jack has been secretly pretty bad in coverage all season long

Diehard Chris

LOOOLOLLlol

UT

In glorious Texans team, all players are equal and identical. If we so needed, Gareon Conley could play offensive lineman, Deshaun Watson could play defensive back, and Zach Fulton would fail equally at all of these roles.

tGC

Nice handoff there

UT

Holy crap that was magical.

Jeremy

it pains me that deshaun will get no credit for that in the box score

tGC

Imagine how good our offense would be if we had a real coach

BFD

WIZARD ALERT!

Jeremy

that was actually a great play call

tGC

[Durga] Watson

(Watson thrwos a touchdown to Fells. Texans lead 9-0 after extra point was blocked.)

tGC

Nice tackle

Diehard Chris

Wow O’Brien [kitten] hahaha

Weston

The Hopkins jet sweep run was a legitimately cool and great play call

BFD

Deshaun Watson >>>>

Diehard Chris

Speshul teemz

Weston

lmfao

BFD

(to Weston) So, you are saying he’s met his quota for the year?

tGC

I dunno, I’m not a fan of having a wr run inside like that very often.

Weston

I think he met his quota in the Atlanta game.

tGC

I mean, it’s not like we are an injury prone team.

Diehard Chris

JJo playing so soft out there

Clearly hurt but not a lot of other options

Also WHERE is Big Play Barkevious

tGC

What on earth was that!?

Weston

There’s a McKinney edge rush for you BFD

BFD

Running the ball against us is so [kitten] stupid.

UT

Uh oh, I think the Jags figured out the whole “just throw against us” part of our defense.

BFD

DJ Reader was the left edge on that rush.

Weston

I was about to say the same thing. The pass rush is so bad that Reader is their best DE rushing option available.

I’m so glad Houston didn’t give Mercilus $15 million a year after week four

UT

(to Weston) The season ain’t over yet.

tGC

I had a cheeseburger for dinner

BFD

I’m old enough to remember when we didn’t need Jadeveon Clowney.

UT

Eisen: So the Texans defense holds

Me: “Holds” is being generous, Rich.

tGC

You can’t sack someone with your butt

BFD

Nice treat, tGC!

(Jags with field goal. Texans lead 9-3)

UT

New Matt, please come forward and claim your prize.

Kenneth L.

I just woke up

What has happened

UT

Other than some wizardry by Deshaun Watson, very little.

Capt Ron

Keep the updates coming. I’m at COTA for F1 all day.

tGC

Who is on the pole?

I think we can get at least three here.

Kenneth L.

Oghhhh

UT

Not often you see your quarterback slide tackle your wide receiver. The Brits in the stands will appreciate that.

Kenneth L.

We finally drop the ball on that pass

tGC

Watson is really good

Weston

I’m really excited to watch how NE stops Lamar Jackson tonight, and then horrified by how the rest of the league will copy it to contain Watson in the pocket.

Kenneth L.

Great little drag route by deandre Carter. He is making me feel like someday we’re going to cut Keke Coutee. And that someday will be during the season

Weston

I mean he’s wide open running across zone coverage. The Coutee thing is another example of how some guys aren’t O’Brien guys and are shoved to the bottom of the roster because of personal preferences.

Diehard Chris

Oh good Chris Clark is back

Matt Burnham

Why would you call a screen there

Diehard Chris

I was afraid maybe O’Brien figured out he was garbage

UT

(to Burnham) ::points to head coach::

Weston

And I think we are seeing the exact same thing with Kahale Warring

tGC

Look, Andre Johnson, proud member of the Hall of Great Players Whose Prime Was Wasted By The Texans

UT

Good [Durga] Deshaun.

tGC

Ahahahaha Ahahahaha Ahahahaha

Diehard Chris

Holy [kitten] hahahahaha

BFD

How do you have to decide between Clark and Johnson? Is the 10 years of tape on Clark not enough? JFK.

tGC

Ahahahaha Ahahahaha Ahahahaha Ahahahaha Ahahahaha

Weston

I mean wtf Watson

BFD

WIZARD.

Diehard Chris

Gotta get that Ka’imi miss before halftime

UT

I swear to [Durga], Clete if you call Deshaun down there, I’m going to fly to London, bust through security, and kill you with my bare hands.

Weston

Gandalf the white [kitten] quarterback

Every Watson MVP argument needs to lead “With Bill O’Brien as his playcaller and head coach Deshaun Waton has managed to lead the Texans to ... and has put up...”

UT

Call stands. Apparently Clete took my suggestion seriously.

Jeremy

imagine looking at a baby and saying

you look like a clete

tGC

Haha

UT

Not even a Cletus, a Clete.

Matt Burnham

Yikes

(Long field goal attempt is wide and short. Texans lead is still 9-3.)

BFD

Oh boy.

Diehard Chris

Ka’imi sucks but that was a dumb attempt

Jeremy

mightve had a shot from 55

BFD

Stupid football. Every Texans game is a study of stupid football

Kenneth L.

That was stupid

HALFTIME REACTIONS

Matt Burnham

Big Matt, I’ve basically said in two different pieces but our commenters didn’t like to hear it

tGC

But Deshaun Watson, he is beautiful

Matt Burnham

Didn’t I say it was gonna be 9-3?

Capt Ron

What’s the halftime score?

UT

Please come forward and claim your prize.

Kenneth L.

Zero reason not to go for it there. [Durga] you think Fairbairn can make that??

UT

(to Capt Ron) Texans lead 9-3.

Jeremy

this entire game has been incredibly stupid except for deshaun watson

Luke

Watson is the chocolate at the end of the Cornetto

BFD

The Texans are one score up in a game they have dominated. That’s Texans football under BOB.

Kenneth L.

Even if I was in London I wouldn’t wake up for this game

UT

I woke up at 6 a.m. for this.

Weston

It’s going to be a one score game.

Luke

It’s a Texans AFC South game. They all end up being one score for some reason or another

tGC

It’s painfully evident that Watson is an alchemist who has been asked to make aluminum foil and still somehow manages to make gold when he thinks the boss isn’t looking.

Matt Burnham

Watson literally makes Ruth’s Chris steak every week, too bad he’s working at White Castle

tGC

It’s like if you had someone with the hands of Da Vinci and forced him make balloon sculptures all day.

Weston

(to tGC) Hey that CiCi’s pizza isn’t going to entertain itself

tGC

Or, a more London-appropriate analogy, it’s like if someone hired Banksy to paint the lines in the street.

Matt Burnham

BOB: “Maybe if we run the ball and slow the game down, kicking field goals can win it”Everyone else: “Uhhhh. You could also just score touchdowns and play defense.”BOB: “Run. The. Ball. And. Kick. Field. Goals.”

UT

(to Burnham) De...defense?

I think I lost brain cells listening to Steve Smith talk at halftime.

Mrs. UT got up with me this morning, not because she cares about the Texans, she just wants to listen to Rich Eisen call the game.

THIRD QUARTER

Weston

I love the 8:30 am kickoff. I can do everything I need to do today, and be in bed by like 10:30 instead of this 1 a.m. [kitten].

https://nextgenstats.nfl.com/live

Next Gen Stats

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this thing is pretty cool

Jeremy

i cant believe i woke up this early for this

Matt Burnham

This sucks

UT

Again, the only thing stopping the Jags offense is the Jags offense.

Kenneth L.

Wow terrible call on offensive pass interferences

Capt Ron

My view at turn one...

tGC

(to Capt Ron) Nice view

(Botched snap leads to no field goal attempt at all. Texans recover.)

Matt Burnham

Lmao

No way

UT

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Jeremy

the jags are JAGGING

Capt Ron

We did the RV thing and just have grass seats, but super fun!

Jeremy

thats awesome ron

Capt Ron

Sounds like a classic Billy football game

tGC

So weird when there’s a cataclysmic failure on special teams and it’s not our cataclysmic failure.

Weston

lol

UT

Lambo just didn’t even bother trying to kick it!

tGC

Weak call there imo

UT

I was closer to hitting Deshaun Watson than Calais Campbell was.

Kenneth L.

THESE REFS SUCK

Weston

WAAAH THE REFS HATE THE HOUSTON TEXANS

UT

I did not get up at the [kitten] end of dawn to watch you throw penalty flags, CLETE.

CLETE.

CLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETE. Your name is Clete.

tGC

Rocket fire update: still none.

Weston

oh wow they didn’t run the ball on 1st & 20 and picked up 11 yards

Then a 2nd & 9 run of course

UT

Ugh.

Matt Burnham

This offensive line is bad and Bill O’Brien is a mediocre play caller. I am the first one to notice both of those things.

(Texans with the field goal. Texans lead 12-3.)

tGC

Longtime followers of the Texans will be shocked to know that our 12 points did not, in fact, come from four field goals.

Kenneth L.

Roderick Johnson May take that on the sack tracker

Weston

(to Burnham) I’d beer bong gasoline for mediocre play calling

Kenneth L.

(to Weston) Can’t say I haven’t done that before

NOOOO MERCEDES ITS NOT TIME FOR CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS GO AWAY

tGC

(to Weston) I actually have a friend who (accidentally) dog that. Nearly went blind.

Matt Burnham

Are you kidding me

tGC

Holy [kitten] Cole should quit after getting stiff-armed like that.

UT

NFL Network Guy: The Texans defense is doing a good job.

(Minshew immediately runs for 10 yards to get the first down)

Weston

I’m expecting a lineout after that Minshew stiff arm

Kenneth L.

[Kitten] DJ reader great stop

Weston

holy [kitten] this is the worst game plan I’ve ever seen from JAX on offense

tGC

This game is putting me to sleep. Although that’s probably because it’s bed time here.

Hopkins lol wut

BFD

”Let’s watch some stupid football!”

”Great idea, I’ll put on the Texans.”

UT

Hyde did a thing.

tGC

Hyde lol wut

That’s more like it

Hopkins lol wut

UT

This field goal should be a no-brainer.

tGC

Truck’d

Weston

I don’t know what Myles Jack is, but he isn’t a MLB

BFD

Watson to Hopkins =luv4ever.

(Touchdown Houston! Duke Johnson trucking fools on his way into the end zone. Texans lead 19-3.)

BFD

Holy kitten, Duke!

Kenneth L.

I thought Duke Johnson was concussed on that play

The way he went down and put his arms up I thought that was like a sever concussion at first

Jeremy

kitten yeah duke

UT

(to Kenneth) I figured he was okay because he put his arms up, if he were concussed I’d think he wouldn’t be conscious enough to do that.

tGC

My fantasy team needs more from Watson.

UT

Texans finally sack him after letting Minshew run around for about 40 minutes beforehand.

Kenneth L.

Yay Carlos Watkins did a thing

FOURTH QUARTER

Weston

It took him 4.5 seconds, but yeah, sure.

Doug Marrone is really just a [kitten]ier version of Bill O’Brien

UT

Gardner, I’ve seen Deshaun Watson, Deshaun Watson is my team’s quarterback. You, sir, are no Deshaun Watson.

tGC

Ok y’all, gotta crash. I look forward to reading about the Texans’ epic collapse.

UT

They’re doing the wave.

Please make them stop.

Jeremy

what is with this team and eye injuries

BFD

RAC dialing up the ultimate bend don’t break defensive plan.

UT

I’m not sure how that wasn’t complete, but I’ll take it.

Jeremy

keep calm and gareon

UT

(to Jeremy) ::applause::

Jeremy

ill see myself out now

UT

(to Jeremy) Good show.

Weston

[Durga] i hate the Jags for turning this into a [kitten]ny game

UT

Why do I hear the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song when Clete Blakeman is reviewing a play?

Clete. Your name is Clete. Blakeman.

Fells with a false start.

BFD

I cannot imagine anything excites BOB more than a game like this.

UT

Bill O’Brien is a San Antonio Spurs fan.

BFD

LOL @ that Cunningham tackle.

Kenneth L.

Cunningham just brought that kid to reality. Shoved him off his feet. That will get some laughs in the duval film room

Matt Burnham

I can’t believe how bad this pass defense is

Kenneth L.

Here comes the prevent defense

UT

I can. This secondary wasn’t good before. They’re playing backups so they’re a lot worse. That said, Gareon Conley’s had a pretty good game, I think.

And just as I say that the Texans pick off Minshew.

(Jahleel Addae intercepts Gardner Minshew.)

Kenneth L.

Yas Queen

(Carlos Hyde almost runs the ball to the house, gets the ball knocked out of his arms just before crossing the goal line. Call on the field is a touchback for Jacksonville.)

Matt Burnham

Dude

What

UT

Oh. My. [Durga].

Matt Burnham

Who else but the Texans!

BFD

LOLOLOLOL

Kenneth L.

My [Durga]

UT

THE ARISTOCRATS!

BFD

How is Success Rate calculated on that play?

Kenneth L.

Yes I want to see a brawl. BLOOD SHOW ME BLOOD

Weston

(to BFD) It’s a positive play since it agined the minimum needed

(Justin Reid picks off Gardner Minshew, runs the ball to the red zone. Texans ball.)

UT

THIS GAME IS SO [KITTEN]ING STUPID!

Weston

(to BFD) Success rate is just 40% of the yards needed to convert on first down, 60% on second down, and converting on third or fourth down.

Kenneth L.

fournette just punched his own teammate

Jeremy

This game has had one too many mimosas.

UT

It’s London, they’re drunk on G&T’s

Kenneth L.

This game is uglier than my future wife

(Watson to Hopkins for the Texans touchdown! Texans lead 26-3.)

UT

If this were baseball, everyone would accuse the Texans of stealing signs or something.

Kenneth L.

Going to make it clear, I did predict we lose this game

Weston

The Jags are [kitten]ing stupid

(Dylan Cole with the fumble, recovered by Cunningham, Texans with the ball.)

(FINAL: TEXANS WIN 26-3.)

POSTGAME REACTIONS

Kenneth L.

Yehhhawwww that’s a darn dandy win and a cup of tea

Jeremy

must win game and they got it

now the gauntlet begins

Diehard Chris

Can’t really complain about this one too much

They were beat up and in London for first time and whooped a bad team as they should.

Weston

Zero complaints, other than the Jags suck and are stupid, and they turned what should have been a fun and interesting game into a stupid and [kitten]ty one.

Kenneth L.

Jacksonville’s franchise level incompetence lost the game. Texans, from what I watched, didn’t do anything spectacular to win that. We head into the bye and should get a couple guys back. Got to love a clean win over an inferior team.

Matt Burnham

Yup the spoiled part of me wants to nit pick real bad here but when you win by 23 points, give up 3, win the turnover battle 3-0... it’s hard to complain without sounding like an [kitten]

Jeremy

these next 3 games after the bye will tell how good the texans really are

ravens, colts, patriots

Diehard Chris

Yeah uhm no comment hahaha

Rivers McCown

i don’t know if you guys still do t-shirts but you should definitely make an air watson silhouette

GAME BALLS:

Offense - How do you not give it to Deshaun Watson again? An argument can be made in favor of Carlos Hyde and the day he had, but that fumble at the end was what made the difference. Remember these are my rules. I make them up.

Defense - Justin Reid sealed it with that interception he caught to set up the game-sealing touchdown in the fourth quarter.

Want to add to the conversation? We want that too! That’s what the comment section is for. Let us know what’s on your mind.