Sunday Night Football Final Score/Post-Game Recap: Patriots 22, Texans 28

The Texans were, and I repeat WERE, 0-8 with a point differential of -120 against the New England Patriots. All of those previous games are entombed in a mausoleum of misery and despair. That was the past. Tonight was different.

In previous games, on those dark days, Matt Schaub threw an interception outside the red zone; failed to score a touchdown after an absurd Danieal Manning return (and multiple kickoff returns for that matter); Barrett Ruud and Darryl Sharpton were covering receivers one on one in man coverage because of insane and absurd defensive designs and personnel overlooks; rookie Case Keenum started at quarterback and was somehow better than Brian Hoyer was (who in turn was even better than the Angel of Death [NAME REDACTED] was); Mike Vrabel’s Cover 4 defense was atrocious; Rob Gronkowski was more ridiculous than switching Juli’en Davenport to right tackle and placing Martinas Rankin at left tackle after Seantrel Henderson’s ankle snapped, and blah-blah-blah-blah. Those were previous things. Things that happened before

Tonight was different. The Texans finally did it. They scored a touchdown instead of kicking a field goal after a rare Tom Brady interception. Jacob Martin ran around Marcus Cannon and actually sacked Brady. They stopped slitting their wrists to establish the run. Kenny Stills stuck a touchdown after Will Fuller V dropped one. Bill O’Brien placed a tab on his tongue and ran an absurd quarterback-pitch-wide receiver-pitch-touchdown. An onside kick was set up by an illegal block and squirted out of bounds anyways. All of it culminated together with a Texans win over the Patriots. Finally. It happened. Finally, it actually happened.

Now, sure, we can say, I can say, you can say, that Brady’s interception changed the game, that New England figured out Houston’s defense some at the end of the game, that Houston’s typical conservative offense weighs more than a feather, that Baltimore is the best team in the AFC, and that Kansas City win was strange and covered in stipulations that become clear under the magnifying glass. Whatever.

The past is dead. The future doesn’t exist. The only thing there really is is right here and right now. No one should care about the previous paragraph. It doesn’t matter. The Texans finally beat the Patriots. That’s the only thing that matters.