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Hair of the Dog: Texans v. BE-SFs

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The BRB gang get together to talk about the Texans’ first game against Northern Alabama’s only professional sports team. And some other stuff.

NFL: Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports

The casino scene in Star Wars: The Last Jedi is not bad. There. I said it. This may seem like a weird time and place to bring up one of the longest-fought and possibly dumbest arguments on the internet, but with the final installment of the Skywalker saga coming up, it’s at least vaguely a good time to mention it.

So I’ll say it again: The time spent on Canto Bight wasn’t a complete waste of time. I’ll explain why.

In my mind there’s two, maybe three, reasons why Canto Bight mattered in The Last Jedi. First, it’s one of the very few scenes where you see those unaffected by the BIG GALACTIC CONFLICT that’s being waged between the Rebellion/Resistance and the Empire/First Order. Up until Canto Bight, every single setting in the Star Wars movie universe has been affected by some all-consuming conflict. From Tatooine to Hoth to Endor, Jakku and beyond, every setting was either a place controlled by the Empire or served as a secret base for the underground. Canto Bight showed a side that never gets seen in war movies, the people who are above the whole thing, for whom victory for the Rebellion/Resistance or the Empire/First Order is completely irrelevant, because either way they know they will be fine. It’s ambiguity in a franchise that has dealt in absolutes. They aren’t part of the immediate story being told about Finn and Rose, but they are a part of the world which has been long absent in these movies, and in my opinion long overdue.

Second, The Last Jedi was the bridge of the new trilogy. You can’t resolve in the second movie everything you set up in the second movie; otherwise, you lose a lot of the burning questions that will get answered in the third movie. Think about Empire Strikes Back, which is now seen as the best of the Star Wars movies. Han Solo is frozen in carbonite, Luke escapes Cloud City, and the world had to look at Darth Vader, a then-two dimensional villain, in a new light when he said he was Luke’s father. You need those issues (among others; I know I left out a lot) resolved in the third movie to keep people coming back. Same thing with Canto Bight. It may seem like a waste of time now, but we don’t know what’s coming in the third movie, we don’t know what role that stable boy on Canto Bight will play, if any, in Rise of Skywalker. But we can’t assume the trip to the casino planet didn’t and won’t serve a bigger purpose in the overall trilogy.

Third, which is also speculative, I think Canto Bight is part of a longer game that Disney is playing with the Star Wars universe. They obviously can’t keep going back to the same set of characters over and over again in movie after movie. That gets boring. So I posit that Canto Bight, and the little world they set up in Last Jedi, could be a springboard for another series of movies, possibly involving that stable boy, possibly not, I don’t know. But it would be odd for them to set up the kid in the end to be force sensitive and not have it come back in some way.

If you’re still reading this, first of all, why? Second, you’re probably screaming at the monitor by now “WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE TEXANS GAME, YOU [KITTEN]ING IDIOT?!”

And I would say things like, “You’ll just have to read this week’s Hair of the Dog to find out,” or “How about I write 600 words instead, Weston?”

So let’s get on to this week’s HotD.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work. And at work safe to read, it is.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION:

Matt Weston 11:26 AM

Houston is so [KITTEN]ED today

The pineapple man is back after dabbling as a watermelon

UprootedTexan 11:27 AM

How the [kitten] is the pineapple man a retired marine?

Matt Weston 11:32 AM

I have so many questions

I need to drive up to Nashville and meet him

bigfatdrunk 11:39 AM

TITAN UP, [KITTEN]S!!!!

Luke Beggs 11:44 AM

Beer of the week is a Session IPA from Garage Beer in Barcelona.

Also if the Texans lose I’m really not feeling confident about a playoff berth.

Matt Weston 11:48 AM

[Kitten] I didn’t know they had beer in Spain. It’s hilarious the Titans found out the joy of play action and you run to throw before Bill O’Brien did.

UprootedTexan 11:53 AM

Holy [kitten] we’re getting Nantz/Romo this time.

...But why?

Matt Weston 12:02 PM

This is the biggest game of the week!

FIRST QUARTER:

Luke Beggs 12:03 PM

They drink them out of Porron’s which are like glass water cans and you hold it above your head and pour into your mouth.

Matt Weston 12:03 PM

ESTABLISH THE RUN

UprootedTexan 12:04 PM

This run up the middle has been brought to you by Sisyphus.

Matt Weston 12:04 PM

[Kitten] that sounds pretty wild Luke. Ever since I read Don Quixote I’ve wanted to walk around Spain.

I love this offense so far. Every play has been great aside from Carlos Hyde up the middle.

UprootedTexan 12:07 PM

The fewest opening drive points this season. Isn’t that something.

Matt Weston 12:07 PM

I hate that play action pass to the tight end in the flat for four yards more than Hyde up the middle

UprootedTexan 12:08 PM

[Kitten] these people wearing Oilers stuff to the game.

Luke Beggs 12:09 PM

Give the ball to Duke Johnson please

(DESHAUN WATSON THROWS AN INTERCEPTION TO KENNY THE COW. BESFs BALL.)

Matt Weston 12:09 PM

ahhhhhhhhhh

that was a spectacular play by Vacarro

Luke Beggs 12:10 PM

That was a nuts pick

bigfatdrunk 12:11 PM

I love the [kitten] slobbering on Hyde when he starts out for...checks notes...4 rushes and 12 yards. Sigh.

Yeah, [kitten], great play by Vaccaro. Watson doesn’t make many mistakes, but that was one.

Matt Weston 12:12 PM

The Titans have a great run defense too. Rashaan Evans has taken over Jurrell Casey’s buttcrack as my favorite player on their defense.

UprootedTexan 12:12 PM

::slowly pulls the 4 off the “Scoring Plays on Opening Drive” whiteboard::

Matt Weston 12:12 PM

TEN will take deep shots from their own endzone too

UprootedTexan 12:13 PM

But they’ll actually connect. Difference.

Matt Weston 12:13 PM

please give me my online validation

bigfatdrunk 12:13 PM

Welp.

Luke Beggs 12:13 PM

AJ Brown is a boss

UprootedTexan 12:13 PM

We need to talk about Johnathan Joseph.

Matt Weston 12:14 PM

Where is it? I can’t hear y’all? I need this to validate my meaningless and loveless life.

Luke Beggs 12:14 PM

Corey Davis is fleeting, A.J Brown is eternal

UprootedTexan 12:15 PM

::tousles Matt hair:: There, there champ.

Ah, illegal contact, the vaguest, most annoying penalty in all football.

Awwww, the polar bear Coca Cola ads are out.

Kenneth L. 12:16 PM

This is rough

UprootedTexan 12:17 PM

This secondary is gonna get us bounced out of playoff contention.

Matt Weston 12:17 PM

Houston is going to need to play zone. They can’t play man against TEN’s receivers.

Kenneth L. 12:18 PM

AJ brown is going to be a problem for a while

Luke Beggs 12:18 PM

A couple of years ago JJo would have probably picked that pass.

(BESFs ATTEMPT A 45-YARD FIELD, WHICH IS BLOCKED AND RECOVERED BY THE TEXANS!)

bigfatdrunk 12:18 PM

Huge contract to Blackson now fully justified. Or something.

Kenneth L. 12:19 PM

Welp, I just saw the pass break up. Guess I’m a couple minutes

Behind *

Luke Beggs 12:19 PM

THE HAND OF A ANGEL(O BLACKSON)

Kenneth L. 12:20 PM

I once blocked a kick in high school. Couldn’t feel my hand. I thought I broke everything. I wonder how it is for them

Matt Weston 12:23 PM

I HATE THAT PLAY

UprootedTexan 12:23 PM

I can’t imagine it feels too awful good, but then every other play probably hurts like a mother[kitten]er too.

Kenneth L. 12:24 PM

I love that play but [Kitten]

(TEXANS PUNT)

UprootedTexan 12:25 PM

Texans and Traitors jawing already. I almost want a reprise of the Innegan game but I know it will never live up to the original.

Matt Weston 12:25 PM

It sucks Kenneth. It’s sucked since the Baltimore game. It worked against Kansas City and other teams with terrible linebackers. The Titans have really good ones. The only thing I hate more than ESTABLISHING THE RUN is that dumb[kitten] play. Play action should be used to go 10+ yards through the air.

UprootedTexan 12:26 PM

Establishing the run, please stand by for big offensing...

Kenneth L. 12:27 PM

Oh I know it’s for bad linebackers, so it’s interesting they just used it three or four times that drive. The issue is that it hasn’t developed. Like they need a long throw or something else to be installed.

Matt Weston 12:28 PM

Yes yes yes, but the play itself sucks and it’s unbearable and I’m furious

bigfatdrunk 12:28 PM

It’s not pushing the ball downfield that makes it infuriating.

UprootedTexan 12:29 PM

Angry Matt is Entertaining Matt.

Kenneth L. 12:29 PM

Matt you want to take this outside?!

UprootedTexan 12:30 PM

@BFD They tried pushing it downfield and it got picked off. So we’re never going to see that happen again for the rest of the game.

Matt Weston 12:30 PM

[Kitten] yeah brother I do. I’ve had three cups of coffee and I ruined my pot of beans this morning.

bigfatdrunk 12:30 PM

Ewww. What a weird name for that, Matt.

(BESFs PUNT.)

UprootedTexan 12:31 PM

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...please stand by...

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...please stand by...

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...please stand by...

bigfatdrunk 12:31 PM

Why were you in the bathroom so long, Matt?

Oh, I was ruining my pot of beans.

Ah, got it.

Kenneth L. 12:32 PM

Boy I tell you what, I’m going to be all up in you like ants in an ant farm.

But let me grab my boba tea first

Matt Weston 12:33 PM

I’ve been kicking my step dad’s [kitten] my entire life in preparation for this moment

UprootedTexan 12:33 PM

::grabs popcorn:: I’m ready for this fight.

bigfatdrunk 12:33 PM

Carlos Hyde watch: 5-17, 3.4 ypc.

Matt Weston 12:33 PM

Correa beating Chris Clark is the darkest timeline. I’m just proud the Texans didn’t run on 1st and 15.

bigfatdrunk 12:33 PM

Chris Clark with the ole. [Kitten].

UprootedTexan 12:34 PM

[kitten] [Kitten] Clark, AT LEAST TRY TO PROTECT WATSON!

Kenneth L. 12:34 PM

Clark adds one to the sack tracker. My goodness

UprootedTexan 12:35 PM

Third and I-Give-Up.

Matt Weston 12:35 PM

Correa isn’t even good either!!!

[KITTEN]!!!!

bigfatdrunk 12:35 PM

I’m sure most will blame that sack on Watson for holding onto the ball for too long.

Luke Beggs 12:35 PM

Just punt if you’re going to run on 2nd and 23

(TEXANS PUNT, PURSUED BY BEAR.)

Kenneth L. 12:35 PM

BFD, no I usually get too much criticism of not blaming the linemen more

bigfatdrunk 12:35 PM

Hyde back into Blue territory at 3.2 ypc.

Kenneth L. 12:36 PM

Watson leads as the “sackrificial Lamm”

UprootedTexan 12:37 PM

And what did the Texans do THIS time, refs?

bigfatdrunk 12:37 PM

Interesting, Kenneth. I guess it depends on who.

D.J. Reader is feasting.

Matt Weston 12:38 PM

Feast your eyes on Arthur Smith. An offensive genius who’s better than Matt LaFleur and Bill O’Brien.

god bless Tennessee for running play action on 2nd and 15

UprootedTexan 12:38 PM

I refuse to take seriously any coach whose first name is Arthur.

Luke Beggs 12:39 PM

I honestly thought Mike Munchak and Mike Mularkey were the same person.

UprootedTexan 12:39 PM

Have YOU ever seen them in the same room? Because I haven’t.

Matt Weston 12:40 PM

Jeff Allen is a better right tackle then Chris Clark

Kenneth L. 12:40 PM

I’m not going to say it, but everyone go check a specific game score right now

Bc holy [kitten]

(END FIRST QUARTER, TEXANS-BESFs TIED AT 0-0.)

Matt Weston 12:41 PM

I won’t take this Mularkey slander. He deployed a fun and interesting run scheme, won a playoff game, and took advantage of the Titans’ greatest strength, their offensive line.

[Kitten] I love Jameis Winston so much.

UprootedTexan 12:42 PM

Kenneth, I’m not sure which game you’re talking about.

SECOND QUARTER:

Matt Weston 12:43 PM

Kenneth better be talking about Tampa

UprootedTexan 12:44 PM

What the hell were the BESFs doing there?

Is it me or does Derrick Henry’s ponytail look like an enormous [kitten] that’s only halfway done being excreted?

NFL: Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports

[Ed. Note: Tell me I’m wrong, y’all. I dare you.]

Luke Beggs 12:47 PM

You rang?

UprootedTexan 12:47 PM

That Vanderbilt cap is stolen valor.

bigfatdrunk 12:47 PM

The BE-SFs are doing to us what BOB wants to do to other teams.

(JUSTIN REID KNOCKS THE BALL FROM THE RECEIVER’S HANDS, LANDING IN WHITNEY MERCILUS’ HANDS, WHO RUNS IT BACK TO THE BESFs’ 12)

bigfatdrunk 12:47 PM

OMG WHAT A PLAY!

UprootedTexan 12:48 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RUN FATBOY RUN!!!!

Kenneth L. 12:48 PM

No definitely not the Tampa game

Matt Weston 12:49 PM

[Kitten] Justin Reid have my babies

Luke Beggs 12:49 PM

The gifts keep coming.

Matt Weston 12:49 PM

The one on the left is the TITAN UP MAN

Kenneth L. 12:49 PM

I’m calling this is a field goal.

Matt Weston 12:50 PM

thank you so much for your service Luke

(TEXANS STRIKE FIRST WITH A PERFECT DESHAUN WATSON PASS TO KENNY STILLS! TEXANS LEAD 7-0.)

Luke Beggs 12:50 PM

Happy to help. Nice reverse jinx Ken.

bigfatdrunk 12:51 PM

Perfect pass by Watson. Hey, good things happen when you don’t run Hyde up the middle all game.

Kenneth L. 12:52 PM

EGGS, BACON, GRITS, STILLS!

Matt Weston 12:53 PM

@BFD, yeah that was a wonderful touch pass. Watson is so [kitten] good.

UprootedTexan 12:53 PM

LOL Andy Dalton threw and got a completion on what can only be called a helicopter pass.

(BESFs PUNT.)

Matt Weston 12:56 PM

phew that was big. Let’s see if the playcallers have learned anything.

Luke Beggs 12:57 PM

That was a tackle in the sense of a texans player collided with a Titans player and the Titans player went down

UprootedTexan 12:57 PM

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...please stand by...

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...please stand by...

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...please stand by...

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...please stand by...

Kenneth L. 12:57 PM

That was quite possibly the worst tackling form I’ve ever seem

Luke Beggs 12:58 PM

It was an attempt to remove A.J Brown’s shins from his legs.

UprootedTexan 12:58 PM

I approve the effort.

bigfatdrunk 12:59 PM

Johnson out there instead of Clark.

For the record, I beat the reporting.

UprootedTexan 1:01 PM

For good [kitten] reason. I could probably be as bad as Chris Clark is out there, and I don’t say that lightly.

Matt Weston 1:01 PM

Here we go ESTABLISH THE RUN until you find yourself into 2nd and 11 and can’t get yourself out of it

UprootedTexan 1:02 PM

Have we run the ball on every first down so far? Because it sure feels like it.

Matt Weston 1:02 PM

BFD is supposed to be checking this for us.

UprootedTexan 1:03 PM

Holy [kitten] the look on Fuller’s face when he gets his head whipped around on that penalty is something else.

Matt Weston 1:04 PM

By my count they have run the ball on 9 out of their 12 first downs

Luke Beggs 1:04 PM

I’ll do a count through Gsis after this series.

(SEE PREVIOUS TOUCHDOWN NOTE BECAUSE THE SAME THING HAPPENED. PERFECT PASS—WATSON TO STILLS! TEXANS LEAD 14-0.)

bigfatdrunk 1:05 PM

Another perfect ball to Stills.

Oddly, Watson >>>>> Hyde.

Matt Weston 1:05 PM

Kenny Stills is really good and it’s about [kitten] time they started feeding him.

It’s unbelievable they completely stop throwing the ball downfield when Fuller is out, and the difference it makes when he’s out here.

Kenneth L. 1:06 PM

Let’s goooooooooooooo

Luke Beggs 1:06 PM

I know it’s a obvious thing to say but that pick probably has won the Texans the game after this.

UprootedTexan 1:06 PM

Will Fuller is the second most important piece of the offense behind Deshaun Watson.

Jeremy Brener 1:07 PM

trading kenny stills for two first round picks was worth it

laremy tunsil was a nice throw-in

Luke Beggs 1:08 PM

10-13 on 1st down run attempts

Nice counting Matt you were on the money.

(TEXANS KICK OFF.)

Matt Weston 1:09 PM

Father, husband, christian, mathematician

Luke Beggs 1:09 PM

Uhh one of these things is not like the other?

Matt Weston 1:09 PM

Yikes, JIIIIIM, I don’t know. This game still needs to play out. Tennessee has come back from dumb situations all season.

bigfatdrunk 1:09 PM

Speaking of teams not made to play from behind, Derrick Henry up the middle.

UprootedTexan 1:09 PM

Holy crap the consistency this team has shown. Our season W-L record, L, W, W, L, W, W, L, W, W, L, ?, ?, ?

bigfatdrunk 1:10 PM

That’s been a known thing for a while, UT.

Matt Weston 1:10 PM

[Kitten] I love play action so [Kittening] much

UprootedTexan 1:10 PM

I know, but to see it laid out like that.

Oh look, an ad for the Return of the Jedi remake that’s coming out next week.

bigfatdrunk 1:11 PM

Ah.

Luke Beggs 1:12 PM

Quick aside, I couldn’t give a [kitten] about Star Wars anymore.

bigfatdrunk 1:13 PM

mutes luke

UprootedTexan 1:13 PM

It’s only going to get worse with Disney.

Matt Weston 1:13 PM

The new first one sucks, and casino scene almost ruined the last one, BUT, that lightsaber scene where everything was red was beautiful.

Rogue One is the best Star Wars movie

Luke Beggs 1:14 PM

The Mandalorian is a hour ever week of 2 minutes of Baby Yoda and Pedro Pascal grumbling under his helmet.

bigfatdrunk 1:14 PM

Jacob Martin not getting close to Tannehill.

Matt Weston 1:15 PM

If you get your hands on Martin he’s screwed. Both Conklin and Lewan are abusing him.

UprootedTexan 1:15 PM

I still contend that there was nothing wrong with the casino scene in Last Jedi. Moreover, I’ll bet right now it becomes what Empire Strikes Back is to the original trilogy: seen as the best of the three new movies.

Matt Weston 1:16 PM

Conely isn’t that good in coverage, but he knows how to play the ball.

(BESFs ATTEMPT FAKE PUNT THAT IS IMMEDIATELY SNIFFED OUT AND DESTROYED. TEXANS’ BALL.)

bigfatdrunk 1:17 PM

What’s funny is somebody was wide open in the middle of the field. Big miss there. Just go for it.

Galaxy brained it.

Kenneth L. 1:18 PM

Hellll ya

Luke Beggs 1:18 PM

What do you expect? Mike Vrabel doesn’t think much

Matt Weston 1:18 PM

UT you’ll need to write a 300 word essay on why the Casino scene isn’t one of the biggest waste of times ever

Luke Beggs 1:18 PM

He just leads men.

UprootedTexan 1:19 PM

I think it was a bigger waste of screen time to bring back Phasma for 30 seconds only to have her die in an explosion and not through anything Finn did.

And I probably could write 300 words on it in my sleep.

[Ed. Note: Told ya so, Big Matt.]

Luke Beggs 1:21 PM

[Kitten] Phasma and the whole ‘’Here comes another Boba Fett’’ [kitten]

Matt Weston 1:21 PM

lol the TUNSIL HOLD

bigfatdrunk 1:21 PM

Well, shoot. The playcalling was fine-ish, but this was a real missed opportunity here.

UprootedTexan 1:22 PM

[Kitten]it, how come none of us came up with Tunsilitis?

Matt Weston 1:22 PM

Jadeveon Clowney offsides>>>>>>Laremy Tunsil false starts

Luke Beggs 1:22 PM

Because it’s dumb and obvious.

Matt Weston 1:22 PM

I know I’m furious JIIIIIIIIM. We really dropped the ball on that one. We gotta do better.

(TEXANS LEAD AT THE HALF 14-0.)

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

Luke Beggs 1:23 PM

A better one would have been laryngitis.

bigfatdrunk 1:24 PM

Crazy game with the red zone turnovers. If you’re a Texans fan, you gotta like being up two scores on the BE-SFs. If you’re a BE-SFs fan, you are so [kitten]ed up on meth that you just kissed your goat. Again.

Luke Beggs 1:24 PM

That the new Trilogy is just a poor man’s version of the original trilogy but cheesier.

UprootedTexan 1:25 PM

That’s kind of how I’ve seen them so far Luke.

Jeremy Brener 1:25 PM

Special teams has been so much better this year compared to years past. They don’t get enough credit.

UprootedTexan 1:25 PM

The original trilogy but the names have been changed to protect the copyright infringement.

Matt Weston 1:26 PM

They’ve been good for a two or three years now Jeremy.

That first one is just like the original first one and I hated it. Shouts out to the boob milk aliens too.

me in my mom’s basement writing about the houston texans

Luke Beggs 1:27 PM

That Mercilus pick decided the game, the Titans are great when they have the lead and nobody is worse for wear when Derrick Henry runs up the gut 15 times to set up play action but when they go down 14 they have to lean on Ryan Tannehill and contrary to current belief, he’s still Ryan Tannehill.

That thing ruined Skellig Michael.

Matt Weston 1:29 PM

what in the world is skellig michael?

Luke Beggs 1:29 PM

The islands off the coast of county Kerry in Ireland where Luke decided to squat for a couple of millenium.

UprootedTexan 1:30 PM

The island they filmed Last Jedi on.

Matt Weston 1:30 PM

I still don’t think this one is over yet. Blocked field goal. Interception. They can move it. Houston has no pass rush, the secondary has made two plays one of which was stopping a fake punt. Ryan Tannehill trying to earn that contract. Bill O’Brien ball control kill the clock offense.

Ahhhhh ok gotcha. SO it’s a big dumb NERD tourist destination now instead of a wonderful place to take in the beauty of the universe.

Luke Beggs 1:30 PM

I think the Texans can keep the score ticking over enough to just keep it out of the Titans grasp

UprootedTexan 1:31 PM

I didn’t realize that was Ireland, Luke. For some reason I thought it was like out closer to Iceland or something.

Luke Beggs 1:31 PM

Kind of, it’s difficult to get out to because it’s completely uninhabited.

It’s not like Skellig Micheal brought you by Disney but it’s certainly a lot more busy that it was 10 years ago.

UprootedTexan 1:35 PM

What the [kitten], those dogs who eat that fresh dog food look like they’re eating better than most people.

THIRD QUARTER:

Matt Weston 1:38 PM

Does Corey Davis exist?

UprootedTexan 1:39 PM

Who?

Luke Beggs 1:39 PM

Nope, every since I dropped him from my fantasy team he’s been snapped from existence like he was supporting character in Avengers.

Matt Weston 1:39 PM

Have you seen me?

bigfatdrunk 1:40 PM

spidermen-pointing-at-each-other.gif

Luke Beggs 1:41 PM

He was a good player also, he just got drafted into a team that was high on exotic methmouth and Marcus Mariota.

Matt Weston 1:43 PM

It’s hilarious how awful that Ole Miss QB was with Brown and Metcalf on his team

UprootedTexan 1:44 PM

They gave up a rushing first down to [kitten]ing Tannehill.

I know he used to be a WR but come on.

bigfatdrunk 1:44 PM

Dude’s got wheels.

Matt Weston 1:44 PM

He gots wheels UT

TEN is loving the first down run, you gotta get Henry going, despite Houston having zero answers for their wide receivers.

There’s some hot Davis action. Cool play call.

UprootedTexan 1:46 PM

It was more of a criticism of the defense than saying that Tannehill is slow. Like “how do you not keep an eye on him.”

Aw [kitten].

Matt Weston 1:47 PM

They’re having to drop back in zone because their corners can’t stay with TEN in man coverage. Crennel tries everything and none of it really works.

lmao why don’t they just [kitten]ing sneak it

UprootedTexan 1:49 PM

Holy crap, they’re still short?

Luke Beggs 1:49 PM

Yup

They are going to have to go for it here.

Matt Weston 1:50 PM

[Kitten] almighty

(BESFs TD. TEXANS 14-Knoxville 7.)

UprootedTexan 1:51 PM

Again, how do you leave Tannehill that open?

Matt Weston 1:52 PM

lmao. I’m so glad we aren’t stuck watching Mariota and LaFleur anymore. This is a bad[kitten] [kitten]ing game.

UprootedTexan 1:53 PM

A 9 1/2 minute drive. BOB is probably fanning himself from all the clock that got eaten there.

bigfatdrunk 1:54 PM

The BE-SFs scored, but that was a wonderful stand there.

UprootedTexan 1:55 PM

::sees Earl Campbell among BESF running back stats::

::eye twitches uncontrollably::

Give Duke Johnson the ball.

bigfatdrunk 1:55 PM

Carlos Hyde up the middle isn’t funny anymore. It’s just sad and tragic.

Matt Weston 1:57 PM

I’ve never found it funny. There’s a better Houston Texans reality out there and we are stuck in this one.

GOod time for a fuller shot

UprootedTexan 1:57 PM

That was pretty!

Matt Weston 1:57 PM

He caught it!

UprootedTexan 1:59 PM

We’ve secretly replaced Bill O’Brien with Chip Kelly, let’s see if anybody will notice a difference.

(DESHAUN WATSON INTERCEPTED IN THE END ZONE.)

UprootedTexan 1:59 PM

Oh [kitten] me that was dumb.

bigfatdrunk 1:59 PM

WOW. Another red zone turnover.

Luke Beggs 2:00 PM

Oof

Matt Weston 2:00 PM

Taking a big gulp of a High Gravity, yep, it’s a game of inches, and then proceed to yell obscenities at my step son and that his room better not be dirty

bigfatdrunk 2:01 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Matt Weston 2:02 PM

At least the great pineapple man in heaven enjoyed that one

(END THIRD QUARTER, TEXANS LEAD 14-7.)

FOURTH QUARTER:

bigfatdrunk 2:06 PM

OMK, I don’t EVER remember seeing a TE bust angles like that.

UprootedTexan 2:06 PM

Justin Reid just stopped the game from being tied.

Matt Weston 2:06 PM

This game has it all. A Jonnu Smith carry!!

UprootedTexan 2:06 PM

Well, delayed tying the game anyway.

bigfatdrunk 2:07 PM

Vernon Davis, maybe. DANG! Almost out-ran Reid.

Matt Weston 2:08 PM

I want the drugs Arthur Smith has.

(TIE GAME.)

Matt Weston 2:12 PM

BAD PASS RUSH CREATES BIG PROBLEM

UprootedTexan 2:12 PM

In other game news, Josh Gordon just threw a pass and it went about as well as you might expect.

bigfatdrunk 2:12 PM

Something something Clowney something.

(BESFs KICK OFF.)

bigfatdrunk 2:16 PM

I remember Rich Caster. Pretty good player.

UprootedTexan 2:17 PM

How the [kitten] is Clark back in this game?!

Matt Weston 2:17 PM

He’s back out there because they need to get their EDGE back

Matt Weston 2:18 PM

THROW THE BALL DOWNFIELD [KITTEN]. That was a great example of how to use play action. [Kitten] your Akins flat routes.

UprootedTexan 2:19 PM

....................WHY?

Second and 10 and they run Hyde up the middle...I need an answer, BOB.

bigfatdrunk 2:20 PM

There were THREE GUYS SPYING, and he managed to avoid it. OMK.

Matt Weston 2:20 PM

Big hold on the interior

Doesn’t count

oh wow they missed it

UprootedTexan 2:21 PM

You’re half right Big Matt.

(CARLOS HYDE WITH THE RUSHING TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS LEAD 21-14.)

Matt Weston 2:21 PM

you should see Martin on that one

Nevermind it’s Scharping. That was a horrendous one, but the game gives and take, like the Scarlett penalty.

bigfatdrunk 2:21 PM

Wow, Hyde did a thing.

Chris 2:22 PM

Time for Kaimi to strike

Almost forgot we even had a kicker

Matt Weston 2:26 PM

Still can’t believe they ran dart in the redzone with Clark pulling to take the lead

UprootedTexan 2:26 PM

Could someone please hit Jonnu Smith with a stick or something?

Matt Weston 2:27 PM

lmao the Texans clamoring for an in the grasp call

hahahahahaha [kitten] ths

(BESFs PUNT.)

bigfatdrunk 2:29 PM

The only person that can beat the Texans now is BOB.

Jeremy Brener 2:29 PM

second fantastic play from aj moore today

Matt Weston 2:29 PM

1st and 10, outside zone right with Carlos Hyde

UprootedTexan 2:32 PM

I don’t know what that was but let’s not do that again, eh?

bigfatdrunk 2:33 PM

Perfect Hyde carry: two yards, plus success rate.

Matt Weston 2:33 PM

They’re trying to kill the clock oh [kitten]. They better be setting something up. I want a Fuller catch to end it.

bigfatdrunk 2:34 PM

Deshaun Watson <3<3<3

UprootedTexan 2:34 PM

Once more with feeling y’all, Deshaun Watson is a [kitten]ing wizard.

bigfatdrunk 2:35 PM

That should just about be game.

Matt Weston 2:36 PM

I can’t believe they pushed the ball down the damn field. If they do that, they can beat anyone aside from maybe Baltimore, who is on a different plane of existence.

Chris 2:39 PM

I have no clue what to make of this team

bigfatdrunk 2:39 PM

That’s what it’s about. Honestly, this was a solid game by BOB.

It’s amazing how much Fuller does just by his mere presence.

UprootedTexan 2:40 PM

And that is what makes this team so great! The pure sphinx-like confusion it causes to everyone, friend and foe alike, is what makes them such a danger in the playoffs!

Because when we don’t know what to expect from the Texans, what chance does the opponent have?

Meth heads are out of timeouts.

Matt Weston 2:42 PM

I don’t even know how much Fuller even does though. It’s absurd and unbelievable how much they default their offense to short and stupid when he’s out.

OMG they delayed and iced their own kicker

UprootedTexan 2:43 PM

That was really weird.

Matt Weston 2:43 PM

woooo GET NASHTY

[Kitten] they are despicable

(TEXANS KICK A FIELD GOAL, LEAD 24-14.)

UprootedTexan 2:43 PM

It looked like BOB couldn’t believe it either.

bigfatdrunk 2:44 PM

I thought this was going to be much more of a shootout, but the BE-SFs were far too inconsistent pushing the ball down the field.

Matt Weston 2:45 PM

The redzone turnovers stopped it from being a shootout, but it pretty much was. Houston always had a safety sitting deep to stop those throws too.

(TEXANS KICK OFF.)

UprootedTexan 2:47 PM

The coward BESF fans are running away. They flee from our might!

I am really beginning to hate Jonnu Smith.

And now McKinney is hurt.

bigfatdrunk 2:51 PM

True, Big Matt.

UprootedTexan 2:51 PM

I’m getting a bad feeling about this.

Chris 2:52 PM

Damn if that is a concussion issue it’s a short week

Luke Beggs 2:52 PM

What a [kitten]ing whiff

Matt Weston 2:52 PM

This game is never going to stop

bigfatdrunk 2:52 PM

AJ Brown totally mis-timed his jump.

Matt Weston 2:52 PM

Gareon Conley is Shareece Wright lucky

bigfatdrunk 2:53 PM

Meth breath score again.

(BESFs SCORE. TEXANS LEAD 24-21.)

UprootedTexan 2:53 PM

Everybody is [kitten]ing slipping on this turf.

Chris 2:54 PM

I love how Romo thinks the Texans are thinking about ANY of this clock related stuff he’s talking about LOL

UprootedTexan 2:55 PM

Onside kick coming.

bigfatdrunk 2:55 PM

HAHAAHAHAHAH! [Kitten]y kick, and they call the time out.

UprootedTexan 2:55 PM

Did BOB just ice an onside kick?

bigfatdrunk 2:56 PM

Man, Reid is a heckuva player.

UprootedTexan 2:57 PM

I’d have been so [kitten]ed if that second onside kick had worked.

They’re not even going to try to get the first down here, are they?

Chris 3:00 PM

What the F

Matt Weston 3:00 PM

lmao Chris. This game still isn’t over. It’s never going to end.

This is the happiest I’ve ever been.

bigfatdrunk 3:00 PM

Romo is going to keep plucking that chicken.

LOL @ Matt.

Chris 3:01 PM

I am well aware it’s not close to over

UprootedTexan 3:01 PM

I hate you Bill O’Brien and your playcalling on this series in particular.

Chris 3:01 PM

Chicken [kitten] to not try for one first down

I don’t understand him week to week

Matt Weston 3:02 PM

BLOCK PUNT TIME

UprootedTexan 3:02 PM

This ending sucks.

Chris 3:02 PM

Went for the throat against KC

UprootedTexan 3:02 PM

BESFs just did us a favor by trying to return that punt.

Chris 3:02 PM

SIMS WHAT

Matt Weston 3:02 PM

And he took time off the clock by doing that. Love Romo acting like a disappointing dad during all of this right now.

(TEXANS PUNT.)

UprootedTexan 3:03 PM

LOLOLOLOL

Chris 3:03 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOlolllllllLLLLLLLL

LMMFAOOOOOOOOO

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

UprootedTexan 3:04 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

THE DUMBEST OF ALL POSSIBLE ENDINGS!

Chris 3:04 PM

AMAZING [KITTE] I HATE THE TITANS

bigfatdrunk 3:04 PM

Wow. What a game. Matt’s going to be ruining his beans shortly!

(TEXANS WIN 24-21.)

Chris 3:05 PM

HAVER OF IT

Jeremy Brener 3:06 PM

^^

Matt Weston 3:07 PM

I loved it so much. It makes up for my ruined beans. My heart is full, my cups are overflowing.

Jeremy Brener 3:07 PM

one more win and they’re in

Matt Weston 3:08 PM

I can’t wait for some of y’all to find out just how truly beautiful Jameis and Byron and Bruce are

GAME BALLS:

Let’s give out some game balls.

Offense - Let’s give this one to Kenny Stills, who caught two brilliant passes from Watson.

Defense - It has to be Justin Reid who almost singlehandedly stopped the BESFs at every turn.

Special Teams - Oh fine, we’ll give one to Ka’imi Fairbairn for not completely blowing any of his kicks this week.

Got a different opinion about the game? Want to make your voice heard? Got a suggestion for improving the HOTD? Let us know*.

*If you want to drag me for my bad Star Wars opinions, those will go unread, so fair warning.