Hair of the Dog: Texans-Patriots

I have never seen the Houston Texans beat the New England Patriots. Granted they’ve only done it twice, but both times, I was unavoidably detained. The first time was the day my mother-in-law died, and the second, Sunday night, I was flying home after spending Thanksgiving, ironically, in Houston.

It’s more than a little vexing to completely miss what might be the Texans’ biggest win of the season against a team that they have historically, and sometimes hysterically, struggled against. But if it takes me being unable to watch for the Texans to beat the Patriots like a pack of rented mules, I’ll have to take that hit.

You’re welcome.

Also, it would only be fitting since doing so would be in the best interest of the team.

All of this is a long way of saying that I didn’t see the game and because of that, this week’s HotD is a little more disjointed than usual. So I’ve made my best guess as to when each quarter started and when each team scored. But also to help give an idea of where in the game things are, I’ve also included the timestamp for each comment made in the BRB thread. Hopefully you won’t be nearly as confused as I was; and I don’t mean that just about the mullet.

Anyway, on to the Dog!

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] for sanitary purposes.

Enjoy!

PRE-GAME DISCUSSION:

Luke 4:24 PM

I am ready for the horror that is Texans vs. Patriots.

Helping me through that horror is the beer of the week which is Rogue’s Rouge Brut IPA with Oregon Pinot Noir juice blended in.

Kenneth L. 6:25 PM

Flight delayed again. Now it’s three hour delay. Happy holidays folks

Guess I’m drinking now. BUT I can watch most of the game!

Capt Ron 7:12 PM

Baby Yoda > Bill O’Brien.

That’s all I have for pre-game thoughts.

Luke 7:12 PM

I’d give a kidney for Baby Yoda.

BFD 7:16 PM

I cannot believe I wore the same thing tonight as did Zach Cunningham. I’m just so totes embarrassed.

Also, this Saint Arnold’s Christmas Ale tastes disturbingly like Budweiser. Ick. Thankfully, I have a reserve of hwisky handy!

Luke 7:19 PM

Actually now that ya’ll mention whiskey, I need some good American Whiskey to drink before I head back.

FIRST QUARTER:

Weston 7:22 PM

I feel nothing

BFD 7:23 PM

First down Hyde up the middle. Play calling already in mid-game form. /evergreen comment

Kenneth L. 7:24 PM

Run on first down. Duh

BFD 7:24 PM

Time out on the first series.

Capt Ron 7:24 PM

Just punt on 3rd down, BoB. They’ll never see it coming!

Kenneth L. 7:25 PM

Already wasting time outs.

“You have to start fast to beat the patriots”

Capt Ron 7:25 PM

Burn the timeouts before O’Brien wastes one on a challenge. Brilliant strategy there!

BFD 7:26 PM

Good [Durga], what a horrendous opening drive.

Weston 7:27 PM

ESTABLISH THE RUN

BFD 7:27 PM

I wonder if the store was out of letterman jackets?

Luke 7:30 PM

Edelman vs Hargreaves doesn’t seem like it’s gonna be a fair fight.

Kenneth L. 7:30 PM

Who even is #28 ?

BFD 7:30 PM

The Pats are going to need to establish the pass if they want to win.

Kenneth L. 7:30 PM

Oh it’s Hargreaves. Fun

Weston 7:31 PM

This is [kitten]ing sickening

BFD 7:31 PM

BIG PLAY BARKEVIOUS!

That was the correct call. I’m shocked it was flagged, but dude was way down.

UprootedTexan 7:32 PM

And Mingo was his name-o.

I’ll be leaving now.

Weston 7:33 PM

BIG PLAY BARKEVIOUS MINGO

Kenneth L. 7:33 PM

We r getting run over

Luke 7:34 PM

Cunningham straight up over ran that.

Weston 7:34 PM

Just right at the strength of this defense

Luke 7:35 PM

How many years ago was it that the Pats offered like a second rounder for Joseph?

Kenneth L. 7:37 PM

Aight I’ll take it. I’m really enjoying this 3 hour flight delay. I’ll get in at like midnight I’m SF

Capt Ron 7:37 PM

First series for both teams completed.

(PATRIOTS KICK A FIELD GOAL, LEAD 3-0.)

BFD 7:39 PM

Second drive. Hyde up the middle again on first. JKK.

Five plays, Hyde up the middle for three of them.

Kenneth L. 7:40 PM

Texans take a play out of the Ravens playbook

Capt Ron 7:41 PM

Texans got a first down by, checks notes, passing the ball. This is not a drill!

Tunsil with a penalty for holding. Still leads the NFL in penalties.

Kenneth L. 7:43 PM

What is Hopkins upset at?

Capt Ron 7:43 PM

Uncalled defensive holding

Kenneth L. 7:44 PM

Laremy Tunsil adds to the sack tracker.

BFD 7:44 PM

Tunsil completely blew that block. My goodness. How can you ignore Van Noy off the edge?

Weston 7:45 PM

At least this game is going by fast

Capt Ron 7:45 PM

Belichick doesn’t even have to try. Just watch O’Brien and the offense beat themselves out there.

tGC 7:45 PM

Morning everyone.

Luke 7:46 PM

Morning

Weston 7:46 PM

I have no idea what he’s doing there. Maybe some Devlin tom foolery where he wants his tackles to help inside kind of like when Howard gave up that sack last week?

BFD 7:46 PM

Belichick is holding a “Offensive Play Calling for Dummies” book and pointing and laughing at it.

Yo, tGC.

tGC 7:48 PM

Don’t the Pats have a bunch of players with hantavirus or something?

Capt Ron 7:48 PM

Is Mercilus inactive or in I/R? Haven’t seen that guy in like two months

Luke 7:48 PM

HOLY [KITTEN]

Kenneth L. 7:48 PM

LETS GOO

BFD 7:49 PM

Roby beat the receiver to the ball.

Capt Ron 7:49 PM

Roby in the house!

Prediction: Here goes Hyde up the middle.

Luke 7:49 PM

15 yard penalty erases yardage after INT

Capt Ron 7:50 PM

Oh wait. Refs gotta give the Pats some love first.

BFD 7:50 PM

Three first downs, three Hydes up the middle.

That will always be called, Capn. Always.

Luke 7:50 PM

That wasn’t Pats love that was Roby being dumb as [kitten].

Kenneth L. 7:50 PM

This play calling is holistically atrocious

Capt Ron 7:51 PM

If you have “Hyde up the middle in the first three offensive possessions” on your bingo card, please come to the stage and claim your prize.

tGC 7:51 PM

Mullets? In 2019?

Weston 7:51 PM

omfg bro

Interception, outside zone right for one yard.

Luke 7:51 PM

Get Johnson on a LB and good things happen

Also that Mullet

[Ed. Note: I finally saw the mullet in question and holy crap.]

(DESHAUN WATSON TO DUKE JOHNSON FOR THE TD! KA’IMI FAIRBAIRN WITH THE XP. TEXANS 7, CHEATRIOTS 3.)

Jeremy Brener 7:52 PM

i feel like we just won the super bowl

Capt Ron 7:52 PM

Oh wow! BoB found his notes from week three where he discovered the concept of putting Duke against LBs for a pass play.

BFD 7:52 PM

Also, shout-out to Rivers on the get Duke Johnson involved post.

Luke 7:53 PM

How did we win the Chiefs game again?

Jeremy Brener 7:53 PM

hyde ran all over em

Weston 7:54 PM

IT FINALLY HAPPENED

oh no I may actually feel something

Luke 7:55 PM

That Mullet is making me feel things.

tGC 7:55 PM

I’m having a breakfast burrito. For breakfast.

Luke 7:57 PM

Who buys a car for someone as a Christmas present?

Like a new car

tGC 8:00 PM

Tom Brady, beating teams with his legs since ???

Luke 8:00 PM

Let Jacob Martin rip and tear off of the edge.

SECOND QUARTER:

Weston 8:01 PM

Jacob Martin phew

come on now

Luke 8:01 PM

It’s him or Mingo, Matty I’m taking what I can get.

Weston 8:02 PM

I like him! Martin is a juicebox

Capt Ron 8:02 PM

Serious question, is Mercilus still on the roster?

Luke 8:03 PM

Watching Brady fill his diaper is hilarious.

tGC 8:04 PM

He’s so beautifully whiny.

Capt Ron 8:05 PM

New strategy for future Patriots games in Houston. Make sure Brady gets at least two hours of time driving in Galleria traffic. He’ll be arrested for road rage and miss the game completely.

BFD 8:06 PM

Four first downs, four Hydes up the middle. Speechless.

Capt Ron 8:06 PM

4/4 Hyde up the middle. I kid you not!

tGC 8:06 PM

As they say in France, “what a surprise!”

Capt Ron 8:07 PM

I thought they said, “Hey, BoB, your [kitten]s are showing!”

BFD 8:07 PM

Five first downs, and it’s a radical change! This time, it’s Duke up the middle.

Luke 8:07 PM

I don’t think there’s been a pass on a first down so far this game.

tGC 8:07 PM

... From the shotgun. Duh.

5/5

BFD 8:09 PM

Six first downs, six up the middle, Hyde five of those.

tGC 8:09 PM

6/6

Capt Ron 8:09 PM

The stat recorder for NFL.com is sending a case of whisky to O’Brien for the holidays for making the first play of every series just “cut and paste” easy.

Weston 8:09 PM

The OL is actually moving the first level some. FUN STUFF.

Luke 8:10 PM

Get Duke on a LB

tGC 8:10 PM

There’s a drinking game in here somewhere

Capt Ron 8:10 PM

So far, no false start penalties.

Luke 8:10 PM

Well there’s a pass on first down.

Or an attempt at least

BFD 8:11 PM

At some point, I’m worried the NFL is going to make disapparating a penalty. Goodness, Wizard.

Capt Ron 8:11 PM

“He’s thick!”

BFD 8:11 PM

TWSS?

tGC 8:11 PM

Collinsworth: Watson is thicc.

Luke 8:11 PM

I like to think it was two C’s.

tGC 8:12 PM

I thought it was the Texans who usually forget how to tackle?

BFD 8:12 PM

Seven first downs, seven up the middles, six by Hyde.

Weston 8:12 PM

Screw off Jon Simon. Take him down next time.

Capt Ron 8:12 PM

I love how Akins runs back inside to mow people down for more yards instead of escaping to the sidelines. Fun stuff!

tGC 8:13 PM

2nd and 9, coming right up.

BFD 8:13 PM

The first pass on first down. It goes for 9 yards.

Luke 8:13 PM

Decent looking play design to creat separation with the pick from Fells

Oh [kitten]

(TEXANS SCORE A TOUCHDOWN ON A PASS FROM DESHAUN WATSON TO DARREN FELLS. TEXANS LEAD 14-3.)

Capt Ron 8:14 PM

Great passing rhythm going here. Touchdown!!

Kenneth L. 8:14 PM

I’m gunna Hyde till I can’t no more. I got the RBs in the back, tight end is attached, helmet matted black

tGC 8:14 PM

BOOM

BFD 8:14 PM

This offense has been here all year. ALL. [KITTEN]ING. YEAR.

Luke 8:14 PM

Where has this [kitten] been all season?

Kenneth L. 8:14 PM

Let’s goooo

I can’t feel my toes

BFD 8:15 PM

Whomever thinks BOB is a good offensive coordinator is a moron.

Weston 8:15 PM

CAN’T BELIEVE THEY FIGURED OUT WHAT A CHECKDOWN IS

Luke 8:15 PM

Clear outs, picks, getting Duke Johnson the ball.

Kenneth L. 8:15 PM

Ugh my plane is boarding. I do not want to mess up this juju

Weston 8:15 PM

That was some good old Baltimore fullhouse backfield

what the [kitten] is going on!!!!!!!

Luke 8:17 PM

Alright Pats get the ball back now and at the start of the next half so if the Texans can kill one of those drives.

tGC 8:18 PM

Kabul Air Quality Index is 341.

WHERE’S THE MULLET I WANT THE MULLET

Luke 8:19 PM

Will there be enough down time in this game to psycho analyse Steve Belichek’s mullet?

tGC 8:20 PM

Brady is not throwing a good ball today imo.

Luke 8:20 PM

[Kitten] Hargreaves almost high pointed that.

Let Martin eat!

BFD 8:22 PM

RAC is calling a [kitten]uva game.

Luke 8:22 PM

Rip and Tear

tGC 8:22 PM

Brady is going to lose his kitty litter after that.

Luke 8:23 PM

Bad Brady gonna go Boom Boom

Capt Ron 8:23 PM

Hyde up the middle here?

tGC 8:23 PM

How many of you think you could catch an NFL punt? I bet it’s harder than you think.

Weston 8:23 PM

Jacob Martin running around Marcus Cannon is the most fun I’ve had in my entire life

tGC 8:24 PM

It’s statistically likely that Hyde goes up the middle.

BFD 8:26 PM

A pass on first down. Color me shocked.

Weston 8:26 PM

Do I have to wear shoulder pads and a helmet? I have no idea how anyone throws or catches a football in those things.

tGC 8:26 PM

MULLET MULLET MULLET

Luke 8:26 PM

Chase Winovich looks like he’s wearing a wig.

tGC 8:27 PM

Catch the punt without pads or a helmet.

Weston 8:28 PM

I think I’d be able to snag it without pads or a helmet, but I couldn’t with it.

Capt Ron 8:28 PM

Receiving an NFL punt is not a “down range” scenario I would welcome.

Luke 8:30 PM

MULLET

Weston 8:30 PM

COWARDS

tGC 8:30 PM

OMG MULLET

Weston 8:30 PM

2nd and 11 just giving the [kitten]ing ball back to them

Capt Ron 8:30 PM

It’s incredible how fast O’Brien retreats from what was working.

tGC 8:31 PM

Why would you put ketchup on a lamb chop?

Capt Ron 8:31 PM

Most uncivilized indeed!

Luke 8:31 PM

That was a tomahawk

Capt Ron 8:32 PM

Good meat needs no sauce!

Weston 8:32 PM

Putting ketchup on a tomahawk is a beautiful way to describe the playcalling

Luke 8:33 PM

Or [kitten] on a shingle

Weston 8:33 PM

naw, kill all cliches

We are artists, and the posts are our canvases

tGC 8:34 PM

So there’s a commercial to advertise a trailer?

Luke 8:34 PM

Truck Yeah brother

tGC 8:34 PM

But of course

Not a catch

Luke 8:36 PM

Well that didn’t take long.

Capt Ron 8:36 PM

Left foot was not down, but I have zero faith in the officiating

Jeremy Brener 8:36 PM

catch or no catch?

tGC 8:37 PM

Looking at it again, probably not enough to overturn, imo.

Weston 8:37 PM

I have no idea if this is a catch or not. My brain is too slow.

Capt Ron 8:38 PM

How the field official called it a reception tells you all you need to know about bias in officiating.

Luke 8:39 PM

That’s some mighty fine arm punting.

tGC 8:39 PM

Ha

Luke 8:40 PM

N’Keal Harry is MIA

Capt Ron 8:40 PM

“Calling for Mercilus. Is #59 in the vicinity of NRG Stadium?!!”

Time to contract a milk carton campaign.

tGC 8:42 PM

Brady is really inconsistent right now.

Not throwing well at all

Weston 8:43 PM

He’s been like this all season!

Luke 8:43 PM

Wowie that’s some cowardice

Weston 8:43 PM

Cannon is really setting up on the outside move. Martin is their best pass rusher now. I wonder if he has an inside move up his big floral sleeve?

COWARDS

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

Capt Ron 8:47 PM

Well, I feel like Houston won the lottery in this first half. I’m terrified about the second half adjustments where we see the “real” Patriots show up, but for now I’m pretty [KITTEN] stoked!

Luke 8:50 PM

Yeah the Texans need to step on the Pats throats and keep abusing the Pats when they go man to man.

Weston 8:51 PM

I want the Fuller deep shot on 2nd and 2 and I want it now

Luke 8:52 PM

I’m just hoping that first drive after half time doesn’t go too far

I want this win so bad. I’m heading down to Miami tomorrow and I want to sit in that high 80 heat and get some sun and smile at the fact the Texans beat the Pats.

BFD 8:59 PM

I just don’t think the Pats can score enough to catch up. RAC is calling an amazing game. Brady has no weapons. If this ends at about 20-13, I would not be surprised.

THIRD QUARTER:

Luke 9:00 PM

PICK PICK PICK PICK

[KITTEN] [KITTEN] BALLS

Weston 9:02 PM

[kitten]!!!!!

yeah that was a penalty

Capt Ron 9:02 PM

Jackass refs with the save

Luke 9:03 PM

Nickel blitz baby

BFD 9:03 PM

RAC for MVP.

Weston 9:04 PM

Crennel is daddy

Luke 9:08 PM

Go for it

Capt Ron 9:09 PM

Miami? Stone Crab Claws (Joe’s) and Cuban food (find a hole in the wall) is the order of the day.

Luke 9:11 PM

Done to both. Heading to a few breweries and then probably spending the rest of the time trying to tan myself so I don’t go home looking a nice shade of milky white.

Who was that on the edge?

Jonathan Joseph, what the [kitten] was that?

Weston 9:16 PM

oh [Durga] I shouldn’t have felt anything

Capt Ron 9:16 PM

Rent a car and go down to Key Largo for some “peel and eat shrimp” and/or oysters. For a bigger pop, drive a few more bridges over to Islamorada to enjoy blue-green water not seen elsewhere in the U.S. Bonus if you press on to Key West and dine at Hog’s Breath Saloon or Sloppy Joe’s (Hemingway’s favourite).

Luke 9:18 PM

Okay we need a score now to put some real breathing room between us and them.

Weston 9:19 PM

The things that have never happened are happening

GIVE ME THE FULLER DEEP SHOT

WAKE ME UP (WAKE ME UP) INSIDE

Capt Ron 9:19 PM

What universe is this? I’m loving it!

Weston 9:21 PM

I’ve chewed all my fingers off

Luke 9:22 PM

I’m making noises when things happen now instead of grumbling curse words under my breath.

THERE IT IS MATTY

He’s got that.

[Kitten] that might not count.

Weston 9:25 PM

YEEEAAAAAHHHHHH

NOOOOOOOOO

[kitten]!!!!!!!

Luke 9:27 PM

[Kitten] and balls it doesn’t count.

Capt Ron 9:27 PM

Would that have been ruled that way for the other team? Asking for a friend

(WATSON TO KENNY STILLS FOR THE TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS LEAD 21-3.)

Luke 9:28 PM

[KITTEN] YEAH BABY!!!!!!!

Weston 9:29 PM

what the [kitten]????

omfg

Luke 9:30 PM

This is some dragon slaying [kitten].

Jacob Martin, rip and tear

Weston 9:34 PM

Jacob Martin>>>>>>>>>>>Whitney Mercilus

you got to add a phew after the Martin chop-rip-rear

Luke 9:38 PM

Fugg

Capt Ron 9:39 PM

1st and 30; Edelman for a 1st down. FML

Pats getting into a rhythm. [Kitten]it!

Weston 9:43 PM

New England really has no receivers out here. [Durga] I love it.

Capt Ron 9:43 PM

Texans defense lulled to sleep and, touchdown Pats

(PATRIOTS TOUCHDOWN, EXTRA POINT NO GOOD. TEXANS LEAD 21-9.)

Luke 9:44 PM

Yeah I think one of the safeties or corners was on the coverage there.

Capt Ron 9:45 PM

Wide left on PAT

21-9 Texans

Luke 9:45 PM

Missed FG, the Texans are probably not going to get this close against the Patriots again.

Weston 9:47 PM

Like, this is the most fantastic [kitten] ever. New England just took a penalty and kicked a longer extra point with a crappy kicker.

Luke 9:51 PM

Feed Duke Johnson

FOURTH QUARTER:

Capt Ron 9:52 PM

False start. But it wasn’t on Tunsil!!

(DEANDRE HOPKINS PASSES TO DESHAUN WATSON, YOU READ THAT RIGHT, FOR THE TOUCHDOWN! TEXANS LEAD 28-9.)

Luke 9:56 PM

Holy [kitten]ing [kitten]

I’m loosing my [kitten]ing mind.

Weston 9:58 PM

[KITTEN] EM’

Capt Ron 9:58 PM

The most incredible offensive play of the year for Houston! Freaking awesome!

Luke 9:58 PM

That’s game right?

Weston 9:59 PM

Yeah that’s the game.

Luke 10:00 PM

[Kitten] me we are actually going to beat the Pats.

Capt Ron 10:00 PM

Hop barely got that off in time but, wow!!

Weston 10:00 PM

I hope the neurons in Bill O’Brien’s brain finally reconfigured and reconnected and he understands how the pass opens the run and that this is a step to something more and the Brady interception was the most important play of this game but Houston turned it into a touchdown and blah blah blah omg i can’t believe it’s finally happening

Jeremy Brener 10:01 PM

BIG [KITTEN] ENERGY FELLAS

Luke 10:01 PM

I’ve no idea if this is a perfect storm but I don’t care. I just want to savor this.

Weston 10:03 PM

[kitten] bill simmons [kitten] larry bird [kitten] manny ramirez [kitten] more than a feeling [kitten] queso in a bread bowl [kitten] complaining about the price of a bottle of water [kitten] massage parlors [kitten] 1/1/2010-11/30/2019

Luke 10:03 PM

You forgot [kitten] Dave Portnoy

JACOB MARTIN, DOOMGUY

RIP AND TEAR

Weston 10:05 PM

PHEW

Capt Ron 10:05 PM

Martin, rip, zip, and sip!

Weston 10:07 PM

slip rip brush ahh

how many hallucinogenics do we have to take to convince ourselves rick smith was the problem entirely and bill obrien is the real man of football genius and just needed to get his guys in the locker room and general manager is just a title and not a solution or a meaningful position to building a football roser

Luke 10:15 PM

About a shady brownie from a man in Niagara Falls worth Matt.

Weston 10:16 PM

you got it brah

phew

I don’t think this game is a BIG jumping off point to the future. The Tom Brady interception that became a touchdown changed things entirely, and blah blah blah, but this thing that finally happened is beautiful and everything I have ever wanted.

Capt Ron 10:23 PM

I love these uniforms and wish they were the standard.

Luke 10:25 PM

Calm down there Collins worth. The AFC South is still poop

Matt Burnham 10:27 PM

Of course this [kitten]ing game happens when I’m on a flight with no working WiFi. I watched the first quarter and nothing else. Smh

Was Deshaun really as great as the stat sheet is saying? Who else balled out?

He caught a TD pass?!

Capt Ron 10:32 PM

Defense sleep walking the end here is stupid.

Matt Burnham 10:37 PM

Is this... the best win of the BOB era?

Capt Ron 10:39 PM

Yes. This is the signature win we’ve been waiting for from BoB. RAC needs to tighten that [kitten] up at the end next time.

Weston 10:49 PM

This is the best win the history of the franchise

I can’t believe it finally happened.

Luke 10:56 PM

[Durga] I can’t wait to lie on that beach in Miami tomorrow.

Capt Ron 10:56 PM

Brady’s tears taste the best!

(TEXANS WIN 28-22!)

No game balls this week because I have no idea what happened.

Add your thoughts to this week’s signature win below!