Hair of the Dog: Texans v. BE-SFs (a/k/a “The Battle Of Who Could Care Less”)

Welcome to Week 17, where the rules are made up and the points don’t matter.

I don’t have much to say this time, so let’s go straight to this week’s last Dog of the regular season.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this safe to read at work.

Speaking of work, SB Nation should pay its content creators a living wage.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION:

Kenneth L. 3:09 PM

At the game today. Not many people here. Feels like a preseason game.

UprootedTexan 3:11 PM

Not surprising since the big guns won’t be playing and the results (other than crushing the Traitors) don’t matter.

bigfatdrunk 3:15 PM

I don’t know if the game is being aired in Austin.

UprootedTexan 3:16 PM

According to 506 sports it is. [Kitten] it’s being aired here which is rare.

bigfatdrunk 3:16 PM

Winston throws a pick 6 in OT to lose. What a perfect ending to his season.

UprootedTexan 3:17 PM

Ashes to ashes, pick to pick.

We’d be playing for a first round bye today if we hadn’t [kitten]ed the bed against the Broncos.

bigfatdrunk 3:23 PM

I think you are the only person in the stands, Kenneth.

FIRST QUARTER:

UprootedTexan 3:25 PM

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

Oh there’s the “Fewest Opening Drive Points” graphic we’ve come to know and hate.

Matt Weston 3:33 PM

The perfect ending for Winston also would have included Winston throwing three more touchdowns, and taking like three more sacks.

It’s fun watching Houston understand how to use Duke Johnson in a meaningless enviroment

UprootedTexan 3:34 PM

This is a BOB sandbox game.

Holy crap they’re going for it.

Matt Weston 3:35 PM

Grand Theft Auto VI: Bill O’Brien

(TEXANS STRIKE FIRST WITH A TD RUN BY DUKE JOHNSON. TEXANS LEAD 7-0.)

Kenneth L. 3:36 PM

Touchdown!

[Kitten] bless possession based football

Btw Academy didn’t have Texans jerseys...... uhhhh what

Matt Weston 3:38 PM

I feel like that 7:30 minute 7 passes : 8 runs drive is the platonic ideal of Bill O’Brien football

UprootedTexan 3:38 PM

And this means the Texans will end the season with double digit points on opening drives. Take THAT haters!

Kenneth L. 3:39 PM

Titans defense looked a good half step behind. Running cover one and cover zero and we are still getting open. Chris Clark looks slow and they are blitzing his side

Matt Weston 3:40 PM

Lol yeah it took AJ McCarron for Houston score on their opening drive

bigfatdrunk 3:40 PM

Carlos Hyde watch: 4 rushes, 13 yards, 3.3 ypc.

Matt Weston 3:40 PM

Look at how much better this offense is when it has a quarterback who can actually run it

Kenneth L. 3:40 PM

Also that was the first touchdown on an opening drive all season!!!

UprootedTexan 3:40 PM

(BESFs’ FIRST POSSESSION)

Matt Weston 3:41 PM

lmao, wait, Miami knocked New England out of a first round bye?

UprootedTexan 3:41 PM

Yeah, isn’t it beautiful?

Matt Weston 3:41 PM

I’m crying. It’s so beautiful.

bigfatdrunk 3:41 PM

They went ape in KC, and with good reason. That team is way different from when we played them.

Matt Weston 3:42 PM

I’d rather Houston go to NE then BAL or KC in this hypothetical scenario where Houston beats Buffalo in the first round

(TRAITORS COUNTER LONG RUN FOR A TD. GAME TIED AT 7-7.)

UprootedTexan 3:42 PM

Also, NE has never gotten to the Super Bowl without a first round bye.

Well that was fast.

bigfatdrunk 3:43 PM

Best secondary in the history of the universe.

UprootedTexan 3:43 PM

Grape job, secondary.

Matt Weston 3:43 PM

phew A.J. Brown is better than everybody

bigfatdrunk 3:45 PM

Still trying to figure out what Vernon Hargreaves was doing there. Brown was a long way from the boundary to try and push him out of bounds, FKS.

(TEXANS’ SECOND POSSESSION)

UprootedTexan 3:46 PM

My guess? He was watching too many Marvel movies and tried to Hulk punch him out of bounds only to discover that real physics doesn’t work like that.

Yes, okay CBS we get it, A.J. Brown is not a bad player.

The BE-SFs have coordinators named Arthur and Dean. I want to give this team a wedgie based on that fact alone.

(TEXANS PUNT; BE-SFs’ SECOND POSSESSION)

Matt Weston 3:50 PM

This Roberson guy is a pretty good player

Kenneth L. 3:54 PM

Who is #95?

Jeremy Brener 3:54 PM

vanderdoes?

Kenneth L. 3:54 PM

He isn’t on the team roster lolol

Matt Weston 3:54 PM

Yeah, that NT they picked up and dropped throughout this season

Jeremy Brener 3:55 PM

played in oakland sparingly

Kenneth L. 3:55 PM

He looks just like Christian Covington

bigfatdrunk 3:56 PM

BIG GAME BARKEVIOUS SIGHTING!

UprootedTexan 3:56 PM

And Mingo was his name-o!

Matt Weston 3:56 PM

BIG PLAY MINGO

SECOND QUARTER:

UprootedTexan 3:57 PM

I’ve been waiting all [kitten]ing season to use that.

Look, I know we’re not playing our best guys but...really secondary?

Matt Weston 4:02 PM

The secondary is so bad its giving up completions to Marcus Mariota

bigfatdrunk 4:02 PM

Roby is the only one missing. The secondary is just that bad.

Kenneth L. 4:03 PM

Carlos Watkins playing well

Matt Weston 4:04 PM

if by play the run and can’t rush the passer then yes

Capt Ron 4:05 PM

Cunningham should have gotten the contract they gave to Mercilus. Dude has played lights out!

Matt Weston 4:06 PM

I love Raphael ass TMNT Zach Cunningham

UprootedTexan 4:07 PM

McKinney is the Leonardo of that group, can we all agree on this?

Capt Ron 4:08 PM

Henry is such a monster.

bigfatdrunk 4:08 PM

I recognize that guy.

(BE-SFs TOUCHDOWN, FANS CELEBRATE BY HAVING INTERCOURSE WITH CLOSE RELATIVES AS TITANS LEAD 14-7.)

Capt Ron 4:09 PM

Houston’s secondary doesn’t even qualify as a tertiary.

Matt Weston 4:10 PM

Yeah McKinney can be Leonardo

UprootedTexan 4:10 PM

And now give a warm welcome to your Houston Texans septenary!

Capt Ron 4:10 PM

Buffalo is going to burn NRG to the ground against this defense.

Matt Weston 4:11 PM

Have you watched Buffalo Ron? They don’t burn anything to the ground on offense. They slowly chip away until there’s nothing left.

(TEXANS’ THIRD POSSESSION.)

Capt Ron 4:12 PM

THAT is how bad the secondary is. They’ll make the Bills look like a passing phenom.

Matt Weston 4:13 PM

The Bills haven’t done that to anyone all season is what I’m trying to say is all. Allen is beautiful and wonderful but he has like a 4:1 bad to absurd and sublime pass ratio.

(TEXANS PUNT. BE-SFs’ THIRD POSSESSION.)

UprootedTexan 4:14 PM

Hey lookie there we stopped a run.

JJo is questionable to return. What a surprise.

Capt Ron 4:19 PM

“Ryan Tannehill’s balls are tight.” - Tony Romo

UprootedTexan 4:19 PM

set the channel topic: Ryan Tannehill’s balls are tight.

Matt Weston 4:19 PM

He can put that thing wherever he wants it JIM

Capt Ron 4:21 PM

Texans’ defense gets a stop. This is not a drill!

(BE-SFs PUNT. TEXANS’ FOURTH POSSESSION.)

Matt Weston 4:22 PM

I want to be referred to as the longest tenured Titan from now on

UprootedTexan 4:25 PM

BWW keeps playing musical chairs with the Texans game because we must, and I mean MUST, have the Raiders game on every single [kitten]ing TV in this bar.

Matt Weston 4:27 PM

DON’T BLOCK EDGE DEFENDERS WITH TIGHT ENDS IN PASS PROTECTION

UprootedTexan 4:29 PM

set the channel topic: I’m glad the Raiders are moving to Vegas because [kitten] these people.

Matt Weston 4:29 PM

I’m getting 2015 Houston Texans flashbacks and now I’m remembering what depression feels like again

I disagree. I love the Raiders in Oakland. Their win over Pittsburgh last season was spectacular. The stadium is stuffed with plumes of marijuana, the gorilla man is rocking, the entire game is a goth club, and its always a full moon on Halloween.

UprootedTexan 4:31 PM

And in my calmer moments I’d agree because I hate it when teams leave a city, but these [kitten]ers insisted on taking the TV that had the Texans game despite three (3!) other TVs having the Raiders game on. These people can [kitten] themselves forever.

Matt Weston 4:32 PM

I see I see

Hopefully Houston loses because the Titans can beat New England

(BE-SFs’ FOURTH POSSESSION.)

Capt Ron 4:37 PM

I’m looking forward to the protests over the amount of electricity it takes to cool a black stadium in the peak heat of Las Vegas. 115+ degrees and the generators at Hoover Dam will be begging for mercy.

Kenneth L. 4:37 PM

Dylan Cole would be really nice to have in this game

We r running with our fifth and sixth string linebackers

Matt Weston 4:38 PM

Ron, I think that’s the plot to Fallout New Vegas

Kenneth L. 4:38 PM

Mingo with the strip sack

UprootedTexan 4:38 PM

And Mingo was his name-o!

I’m not sorry.

Matt Weston 4:40 PM

BIG PLAY BARKEVIOUS MINGO is a better pass rusher than Whitney Mercilus now I guess

(TEXANS’ FIFTH POSSESSION.)

Capt Ron 4:42 PM

Coutee ran the correct route! Still in OB’s doghouse. “Once you check in, you never check out.”

Matt Weston 4:42 PM

AJ McCarron finding the checkdown in the least conventional way possible

UprootedTexan 4:43 PM

That should be targeting.

Capt Ron 4:43 PM

That’s a personal foul! (Helmet to helmet on QB who gave himself up)

Terrible refs can’t wait to exit this meaningless game.

Matt Weston 4:43 PM

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kenneth L. 4:43 PM

Boooo

Bland half

Matt Weston 4:44 PM

thank [kitten] that isn’t Watson

Kenneth L. 4:44 PM

I have three sacks to write about

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

Matt Weston 4:44 PM

I’m going to buy dogfood

Capt Ron 4:47 PM

I just pulled the brisket and bacon-wrapped quail off the smoker and lined up several flights of bourbon. The Dolphins punked the Patriots. LSU and Clemson took care of business yesterday. All is right in the world, and this game means nothing for Texans fans.

UprootedTexan 4:53 PM

What is the likelihood of Texans/Bills getting the early Saturday game and why is it a 100% certainty?

THIRD QUARTER:

(BE-SFs’ FIFTH POSSESSION.)

UprootedTexan 5:02 PM

Derrick Henry still looks like his head is [kitten]ing out his hair.

I choose to believe we’re not really trying here.

I choose to believe we’re not really trying here.

I choose to believe we’re not really trying here.

(BE-SFs TOUCHDOWN. TRAILERS ALL THROUGHOUT CENTRAL TENNESSEE ROCK A LITTLE HARDER. BE-SFs LEAD 21-7.)

Capt Ron 5:05 PM

Henry would have landed in the ship channel if he didn’t slow himself down. This Texans’ defense has no answer to stop him.

Henry is the real-life equivalent of The Juggernaut.

(TEXANS’ SIXTH POSSESSION.)

Capt Ron 5:11 PM

Hungry special teams players putting in film on offense for Houston. May need some of this on defense!

UprootedTexan 5:13 PM

Nice job getting the conversion on 4th and 2 there.

And we didn’t even need Tunsil to get that false start call.

This game is just screaming past.

Kenneth L. 5:20 PM

SWEEETTTTT HOME ALABAMA

(AJ MCCARRON WITH THE RUSHING TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS CUT DEFICIT TO 21-14.)

Kenneth L. 5:21 PM

The couple next to me will not stand up when people are trying to get in and out of their seats. Quite possibly the most annoying thing at a stadium

UprootedTexan 5:21 PM

ROW TAAAAAHD.

(BE-SFs’ SIXTH POSSESSION.)

FOURTH QUARTER:

Jeremy Brener 5:29 PM

i actually like tennessee’s chances if they face new england

they should win but it wont be a blowout

UprootedTexan 5:29 PM

Man, talk about a game where I’d root for a meteor.

(BE-SFs TOUCHDOWN, WHATEVER. NOBODY CARES. FILTHY TRAITORS LEAD 28-14.)

UprootedTexan 5:29 PM

You have got to be kidding me.

(TEXANS’ SEVENTH POSSESSION.)

bigfatdrunk 5:35 PM

Meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow MEOW meow meow meow.

Even considering everybody else sitting, the difference in this team between Watson and McCarron is amazing.

(BE-SFs’ SEVENTH POSSESSION.)

bigfatdrunk 5:37 PM

Not that it matters, but I never even thought we had a chance to win this game because of that alone.

Jeremy Brener 5:52 PM

hot take

texans get the early game on sunday

because the nfl will want the pats in primetime on saturday

UprootedTexan 5:53 PM

Really? I’d have thought they have the early game Saturday because that’s what they always get.

Jeremy Brener 5:54 PM

bills-jags was the early sunday game two yrs ago

titans-chiefs was the early saturday game

it also depends on which bye team they want playing saturday vs sunday

so if they wanted the ravens to play on the sunday of the divisional round, i think they would be more likely to plant us on a sunday

UprootedTexan 5:56 PM

I think a lot will depend on who wins the NFC East. If the Cowboys win, they’re getting one of the primetime spots, and NE the other one.

Jeremy Brener 5:56 PM

seahawks-cowboys is a primetime game

or was a primetime game a few years ago

UprootedTexan 5:57 PM

Exactly my point, the Cowboys would get one of those spots whether they deserve it or not (they don’t. Ever.).

Jeremy Brener 5:58 PM

would the eagles get a primetime spot?

UprootedTexan 5:59 PM

I don’t think so. They’re an east coast team but they don’t get all the media hype the Cowboys or Patriots do.

Jeremy Brener 6:00 PM

even with a game against the niners?

i feel like the nfl would not put the nfc 4-5 in the early hour sunday

nor the early hour saturday

just because theyre playing sunday night football

bigfatdrunk 6:05 PM

So, do we stop Henry from getting the NFL rushing lead?

Hmmmm...nope!

Kenneth L. 6:07 PM

Derek Henry is going to cause New England problems

(DERRICK HENRY WITH A LONG RUN FOR A TD, BE-SFs LEAD 35-14.)

UprootedTexan 6:07 PM

Again, I think a lot depends on what happens with the NFC East.

Can we go home now?

bigfatdrunk 6:10 PM

Yes.

LOL!

Matt Weston 6:11 PM

why are we still playing football?

UprootedTexan 6:11 PM

Because we have done something bad.

bigfatdrunk 6:11 PM

I’m still shocked, at least to some degree, that we didn’t play starters.

Kenneth L. 6:12 PM

I mean it didn’t matter once KC won

bigfatdrunk 6:13 PM

LOL!

Kenneth L. 6:14 PM

Photos from the game. [Kitten] do I miss going. We have great seats and sit with 10 people in our family.

Matt Weston 6:14 PM

I would have gone to that game if Houston lost last weekend. Stupid Jameis pick 6.

UprootedTexan 6:15 PM

Looks like the Eagles are going to knock the Cokeboys out of the playoffs.

My guess: Early Sat: Texans/Bills, Prime Sat: Eagles/(SEA/SF), Early Sun: (SEA/SF)/Min, Prime Sun: Pats/BESFs.

bigfatdrunk 6:17 PM

That looks about right.

Matt Weston 6:18 PM

Houston is a lock for Saturday 3:30

(TEXANS LOSE 35-14, AND NONE OF THIS MATTERS.)

Matt Weston 6:19 PM

wooohoooooowooohoooo

We made it momma

bigfatdrunk 6:20 PM

Hooray.

Kenneth L. 6:20 PM

That was ugly. I hate fan appreciation game. The halftime show was a game of fans flipping cards to get prizes. No energy. Chants of “we are Texans” where they pump in the sound. No me gusta

So that’s it. That’s the regular season and the end of HotD for 2019. Join us next week for the first (and preferably not last) HotD of the new year and first one of the NFL Playoffs.

Got something you want to add? Did you actually watch the game? Let us know in the comments section.