Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:
Comrades! What we witnessed on Sunday night is only latest in continuing stretch of excellence we, people of Houston, have come to expect from Houston Texans when they face fraudulent “patriots” of imperialist less old England. Each game ends different way but with same result, glorious victory of People’s Football Team of Texas as we send “patriots” crying back to desolate wasteland, culturally and geographically, where they belong!
Plan for victory, carefully handcrafted and aged like finest milk by Comrade Marshal O’Brien, may he coach Texans for 10,000 years, worked like charm. Between highly consistent running of Hydes on first down every time to genius offensive push by Gridiron Marshal Watson rushing ball into end zone after Hopkins’ pass, only way game could have ended was with yet another Texans victory. We shall enjoy this one whether we like or not, and if you are true comrade, you will enjoy it plenty.
But enough about them. “Patriots” are, in every sense of word, old news. We must now prepare for onslaught by mountain mules of Colorado, the Denver Broncos. Why? Because Wyoming thought they were better than team deserved. When one thinks of Broncos, which is rare because why would anyone want to do that, one must think how badly they must wish they were Houston Texans. They have tried so hard to mimic only football team that matters it goes beyond flattery straight to pathos!
Consider who they have hired as coaches over last several years. They currently employ, at least for one more season possibly, Vic Fangio, traitor who went to great efforts to sabotage Texans in team’s infancy for nothing more than his own personal amusement. Before him was Vance Joseph, no-account cornerbacks coach for Texans who had his ego unnecessarily inflated to point where he believed he could coach entire football team. And before him was traitor Kubiak, who lied about illnesses on the way to dismantling Texans with his inept offensive schemes. We should be glad to be rid of such meager offensive skills in favor of highly sophisticated offense provided by our great leader O’Brien.
Is not little weird that Fangio even sounds and acts like our Great Leader. We at Ministry of Information assume this was part of vetting process so that mules could better emulate vastly superior team like glorious Texans. Even their logo is merely mutated clone of our own sleek and sophisticated logo, depicting strength and unity of our magnificent people!
But then, what do you expect from John Elway, who is answer to question “What would you get if you made entire person out of Habsburg jaw?”
As for game itself, which if you’ve forgotten will happen Sunday, it looks to be snooze for your favorite team, which of course is Texans or you will be purged. Is expected that mules will play rookie quarterback Drew Lock, probably as means of tanking remainder of season and partly to hide embarrassment of literally trading for Joe Flacco in offseason. Either suits football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans. Texans, with Crennel as defensive coordinator, are 11-1 against teams who are starting rookie quarterback.
Comrades, victory of Texans is at hand. Let us march onto NRG Stadium in one voice, unified body to stand against vile mules from Denver, let us take to stands and watch Texans drive to yet another triumph over all lesser teams!
TO INEVITABLE VICTORY OF TEXANS, LEAD US ON!
GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!