Hair of the Dog - Texans/Broncos

I usually need a cooling off period before I start writing my thoughts about the Texans game. This period varies depending on whether the Texans win or lose and the manner in which they do so.

Had I gotten to watch the Texans game last week, the cooling off period would’ve been about maybe 10 minutes and nine of those would’ve been me saying “did that really happen?”

Today...today, well let’s just say I don’t think it’s going to end before I go to bed tonight. So I’ll spare y’all a lot of rationalizing on my part and get straight to the Dog. Also, the sooner I do this, the sooner I can put this game behind me and focus on something more uplifting, like Stardew Valley.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make the thread safe to read at work. Although really, shouldn’t you be focusing on your career and not reading us scream mother[kitten] over and over again?

But it’s not my business what you do. You’re your own person with thoughts and feelings and maybe a pet or two.

Enjoy!

PREGAME STUFF

Matt Weston 9:39 AM

Good morning to everyone except for Luke. [KITTEN] HIM. They don’t have fantasy football championships and flannel jackets and melatonin in Ireland.

FIRST QUARTER

UprootedTexan 10:04 AM

It begins with not a run up the middle by Carlos Hyde! BOB has turned a corner!

Two passes to two different tight ends early. This is most unusual.

bigfatdrunk 10:08 AM

Those hurt, Tunsil.

Wow, Miller looks terrible and slow. They need to sit him.

UprootedTexan 10:09 AM

If they do he’ll cry though, and they don’t want him to cry.

No seriously, there was even a story about how he was crying because he couldn’t play yesterday.

bigfatdrunk 10:11 AM

Sometimes, you, as the coach, needs to do what’s best for the player if they cannot do it for themselves.

UprootedTexan 10:12 AM

But...but crying!

bigfatdrunk 10:13 AM

I wonder if RAC is rubbing his belly, getting excited to feast on Lock.

UprootedTexan 10:13 AM

Enter Drew Lock.

Matt Weston 10:13 AM

I don’t care about this game. I experienced ego death on that hallucinogenic trip we all took last week against New England.

UprootedTexan 10:14 AM

Got[kitten], JJo.

That was wretched.

bigfatdrunk 10:14 AM

WOW. I thought that was Lonnie who missed that. Joseph doesn’t make mistakes like that.

UprootedTexan 10:15 AM

Y’all wanna maybe stop that from happening at some point, secondary?!

Oh [kitten] you secondary.

(BRONCOS TOUCHDOWN CALLED BACK ON PENALTY)

Capt Ron 10:17 AM

I’m in the Hill Country today and trying to listen in to the radio broadcast. Sounds like another Tunsil special to kill an opening drive followed by a rookie QB gashing the Texans secondary.

Yipee!

UprootedTexan 10:18 AM

Broncos timeout. Guess we should be grateful they’re using up their timeouts earlier than we are.

Matt Weston 10:20 AM

J-Jo missed a bad run tackle attempt against IND as well.

I hope Bill O’Brien is taking notes right now and understanding how to use play action to do something more than throw four yard passes to Darren Fells.

bigfatdrunk 10:22 AM

I love Noah Fant. He’s going to be a heckuva player, I think.

Capt Ron 10:22 AM

A rookie QB, in his second NFL start, torches Houston’s secondary in the Broncos’ opening drive for a touchdown. Good grief!

(BRONCOS STRIKE FIRST BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DO, [KITTEN] YOU SECONDARY. DENVER LEADS 7-0.)

Matt Weston 10:23 AM

He’s been kind of whatever this year though. He’s had a ton of drops and missed blocks. Tight end is a tough position to learn though.

That was a great throw by Lock

bigfatdrunk 10:25 AM

Well, sure. Not many TEs can come in and rip things up.

Miller can’t run? Drop him into coverage!

Matt Weston 10:28 AM

Fangio has dropped Miller into coverage all year and it’s been dumb as [KITTEN]

bigfatdrunk 10:28 AM

Perfect run by Hyde: 2 yards and it’s a success. Crazy.

UprootedTexan 10:31 AM

What. The. Actual. [Kitten].

bigfatdrunk 10:31 AM

Good for Kareem.

Coutee may never, ever see the field again.

(TEXANS FUMBLE THE BALL TO KAREEM JACKSON. BRONCOS GET A PICK SIX, LEAD 14-0.)

UprootedTexan 10:31 AM

Trap game? Trap game.

Matt Burnham 10:32 AM

Coutee sucks

UprootedTexan 10:32 AM

I’m going to send Coutee a nice “I’m Done With It-A-Gram.”

Matt Weston 10:33 AM

Kareem Jackson. Love that guy.

I don’t think Coutee sucks. He’s just been scrambled all season.

UprootedTexan 10:33 AM

I’m starting to think we used up every last bit of good we had on the Patriots game.

Kenneth L. 10:35 AM

Holy [kitten] what is happening I just woke up

Matt Weston 10:35 AM

GALAXY BRAIN THAT STRETCHES ACROSS MULTIPLE UNIVERSES AND DIMENSIONS:

Going down 14-0 is good for Houston. They’ll have to score more than 27 points sometime this postseason if they want to make it past the Divisional Round.

bigfatdrunk 10:37 AM

Yep. I was just thinking that. BOB would have been elated with a 3-0 victory, and then we can’t score when it counts.

UprootedTexan 10:37 AM

Texans have the second fewest first quarter points behind only the [POTATOES].

That is grim company.

Hey look at you not giving up the ball and stuff, offense!

bigfatdrunk 10:39 AM

Watson almost got himself killed.

UprootedTexan 10:39 AM

Clearly I spoke too soon.

bigfatdrunk 10:39 AM

Jeebus.

UprootedTexan 10:40 AM

Someone gave the Texans Ryan Mallet’s alarm clock or something, because they’re clearly not awake.

Matt Weston 10:41 AM

[Kitten] Kareem

SECOND QUARTER

Matt Weston 10:44 AM

This is fun though. I like Lock. He’s actually pushing the ball down the field. Love the play action.

UprootedTexan 10:44 AM

(to Weston) We seriously need to talk about our differing definitions of fun.

Matt Weston 10:46 AM

Like, I hate watching these stupid teams do the same dumb things that don’t attack the Texans weaknesses, and then they aren’t ready for it against the good teams, and they get their teeth kicked out of their skull, and are confused when they get obliterated, when the things that have been ignored have been their all along.

bigfatdrunk 10:47 AM

Hargreaves burned that time.

These downfield throws against us have been there all season. Somebody is finally exploiting them.

Matt Weston 10:49 AM

Yep yep yep.

UprootedTexan 10:50 AM

It’s bad enough that the Texans look like they’ve spent every minute of the last six days drinking because they beat the Patriots on SNF.

It is so much worse because this BWW has a large contingent of Broncos fans and I get to hear them at great volume when the Texans screw up.

Matt Weston 10:50 AM

This game is a good example of the things we say when they win and wait and wait to get exploited and here are the 4-8 Broncos doing exactly that.

(BRONCOS SCORE AGAIN, GREAT JOB DEFENSE. DENVER LEADS 21-0.)

UprootedTexan 10:50 AM

ANYTIME YOU WANT TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE WOULD BE APPRECIATED, TEXANS!

Matt Weston 10:51 AM

Jeff Heurman loves playing the Houston Texans

Kenneth L. 10:52 AM

I have no idea what’s happening

Matt Weston 10:53 AM

Have you watched the Houston Texans before?

Matt Burnham 10:53 AM

Best part is every single one of us said or implied this game had danger written all over it. At least our instincts are in tact

Matt Weston 10:53 AM

This is the most Texansiest game the Texans have ever Texans’d

bigfatdrunk 10:54 AM

I love My Cause My Cleats.

Kenneth L. 10:55 AM

Wow I’m like 3 minutes behind

bigfatdrunk 10:56 AM

Jackson is tattooing EVERYBODY.

Matt Weston 10:58 AM

He does this every game!!!

bigfatdrunk 10:58 AM

Kareem Jackson wants all your kittens.

UprootedTexan 10:59 AM

The Saints/Niners game is on right next to the Texans game. If you want to feel sad about things, watching these two next to each other will do it.

bigfatdrunk 11:00 AM

BOB’s gotta be thrilled about a FG.

(FIELD GOAL IS GOOD. TEXANS AVOID THE SHUT OUT. BRONCOS LEAD 21-3.)

UprootedTexan 11:00 AM

It’s all part of the plan.

Kenneth L. 11:01 AM

How the [KITTEN] did that ball go through

bigfatdrunk 11:06 AM

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

UprootedTexan 11:07 AM

That sound you hear is my brain hitting a brick wall as Lock throws a cheap pass to someone who has MILES of room to run in.

Kenneth L. 11:08 AM

This is embarrassing

UprootedTexan 11:08 AM

Hey! Y’all stopped them on third down! That’s novel!

(BRONCOS KICK A FIELD GOAL, LEAD 24-3.)

bigfatdrunk 11:12 AM

UT got a Watson jersey for his birthday? Well, now we know who to blame for this game LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Matt Weston 11:12 AM

(to BFD) [Kitten], got his [kitten]

bigfatdrunk 11:12 AM

Oh, Big Matt, Josh Allen got hurt.

I think there are 11 Kareem Jacksons out there right now.

Kenneth L. 11:14 AM

Watson looks bad

UprootedTexan 11:14 AM

(to BFD) No u.

Kenneth L. 11:15 AM

Gasp. That hurts

Matt Weston 11:15 AM

That was an incredible Jackson play.

Oh, god, no, not Josh Allen. My heart!!!!!

bigfatdrunk 11:17 AM

I like the decision to go here.

UprootedTexan 11:18 AM

Sigh...

bigfatdrunk 11:18 AM

[Kitten]. I don’t know what has happened to BOB this year, but I love the new-found aggressiveness.

Matt Burnham 11:18 AM

Anyone who thinks the Texans are any threat in the playoffs is just fooling themselves

bigfatdrunk 11:18 AM

We are glass cannons.

SMART play by Sutton there. [Kitten] smart football.

Matt Weston 11:21 AM

Who cares!! They finally beat the Patriots.

UprootedTexan 11:22 AM

A couple more scores and they’re going to turn this game off.

And there’s Lonnie Johnson again doing stupid [kitten].

bigfatdrunk 11:24 AM

PFF has Lonnie Johnson as the worst CB in football with over 400 snaps.

Kenneth L. 11:25 AM

I’m about to cry

bigfatdrunk 11:26 AM

Should have been DPI.

UprootedTexan 11:26 AM

Lonnie again holding. If Coutee is done, can we toss Lonnie Johnson off Williams Tower too while we’re at it?

bigfatdrunk 11:26 AM

Holy kitten.

([KITTEN] THIS GAME. BRONCOS SCORE A TOUCHDOWN, LEAD 31-3.)

UprootedTexan

I think we can stop watching now.

Capt Ron 11:30 AM

I’m just checking in, between wine tastings in the Hill Country, and....oh dear!! Seriously? Well. Umm. I made the right decision on how to spend my Sunday.

Do these Texans have no dignity, or ego, or balls? Getting mauled in your own house by a 4-win team lead by a rookie QB in his second NFL start is beyond ludicrous. I hope the boo birds hammer BoB and the players at NRG.

bigfatdrunk 11:31 AM

Three false starts on Tunsil.

UprootedTexan 11:31 AM

Oh [kitten] you [Duke] Johnson you can’t even run correctly without falling over.

HALFTIME REACTIONS

UprootedTexan 11:31 AM

Let’s have some reactions that aren’t just “oh [kitten] this team.”

Because I’m calling dibs on that.

bigfatdrunk 11:33 AM

Offenses have played scared against us all year. Those that didn’t, like the Ravens, put up a ton of points. It’s been there all year.

Capt Ron 11:33 AM

“Same ol’ Texans.”

By the way, this (so far) is the first season I have not attended a game at NRG Stadium. I did attend the Saints game on the road, which was very exciting, but I have no interest in watching these guys sleepwalk and lose to lesser teams in their own house.

Matt Weston 11:33 AM

Who cares they beat the Patriots!

bigfatdrunk 11:34 AM

You can always rely on BOB to come out of the locker room scared, even if he didn’t run the ball up the middle the entirety of the first half.

UprootedTexan 11:38 AM

(to BFD) It’s interesting to see you call out his cowardice while also praising his aggressiveness earlier.

bigfatdrunk 11:39 AM

(to UT) He’s far more aggressive on 4th downs, which is great! He still has no idea what to do with Watson.

UprootedTexan 11:39 AM

(to BFD) That’s fair, and after BOB gets a couple more five year extensions, he might finally understand what to do with Watson.

Luke Beggs 11:40 AM

Howdy fellas, how’s it going?

UprootedTexan 11:42 AM

Fabulous.

Kenneth L. 11:42 AM

(to Luke) Keke Coutee is our leading receiver

I may go inject a whiteclaw into my veins

THIRD QUARTER

UprootedTexan

I totally expected that kick return to go yard there.

We’re only down four touchdowns, we got this.

You may call off the search, we have found Whitney Mercilus.

And of course that’s not going to count.

Does anybody know where I can find the list of bowl game matchups? So far all I’m seeing are the playoff teams and who cares about them.

Matt Weston 11:49 AM

I think they announce them tomorrow? I can’t wait to finish second to last in this stupid thing.

bigfatdrunk 11:49 AM

Terrible play by Roby. The secondary has been trash all day.

Luke Beggs 11:52 AM

How did it actually get this bad?

UprootedTexan 11:52 AM

(to Luke) ::stares at the secondary with unconcealed malice::

That’s how.

bigfatdrunk 11:53 AM

LOLOLOLOLOL!

(BRONCOS SCORE AGAIN, LEAD 38-3. THEY GOTTA TURN OFF THE GAME NOW, RIGHT?)

Kenneth L. 11:54 AM

I wish there was a bridge here in San Francisco I could jump off

Matt Weston 11:54 AM

lmao

UprootedTexan 11:56 AM

So the Columbia Tower here is apparently the tallest building west of the Mississippi. I bet the view from the roof is pretty great.

bigfatdrunk 11:57 AM

OMFK. Down 38-3, the first play is...CARLOS HYDE UP THE MIDDLE.

UprootedTexan 11:58 AM

Commercial question, especially for the younger ones here, if you’ve seen the ad for KFC where the Colonel is getting really intimate with the Mrs. Butterworth’s bottle, and I’m saying this, do you understand the reference?

Because I feel like the joke there is meant mainly for people me and BFD’s age.

Matt Weston 11:59 AM

(to UT) Isn’t that a GHOST thing.

I’m like, 20something, hahahahehehahh

bigfatdrunk 12:00 PM

We know the Texans are running those deep crosses. Do other teams...not?

(A GARBAGE TIME TOUCHDOWN! WATSON TO HOPKINS. BRONCOS LEAD 38-10.)

UprootedTexan 12:01 PM

(to Weston) It is, but it’s a 20+ year old movie so I wasn’t sure if that was a reference y’all would get.

Matt Weston 12:04 PM

That movie always made me feel weird. I tried to watch it when I was like 9 years old and didn’t understand it all.

UprootedTexan 12:05 PM

It’s actually pretty good, although I still get the heebie jeebies whenever the bad guys get dragged to [kitten].

bigfatdrunk 12:06 PM

The Broncos are averaging 2.7 ypc, but the play action is still effective. Gee, I wonder if you have to establish the run to throw the ball successfully, BOB.

UprootedTexan 12:06 PM

Well Dylan Cole is already out for the year, now it’s Brennan Scarlett’s turn to get put on IR.

Drew Lock has looked more like Deshaun Watson today than Deshaun Watson has.

bigfatdrunk 12:13 PM

Poor decision by Lock on the pick. Obvs.

UprootedTexan 12:15 PM

Obvs.

bigfatdrunk 12:17 PM

Kareem almost had another TD.

UprootedTexan 12:17 PM

And by rights he probably should’ve.

...Establishing the run...please stand by...

...Establishing the run...please stand by...

...Establishing the run...please stand by...

bigfatdrunk 12:19 PM

Evergreen comment, UT.

Matt Weston 12:19 PM

Kareem Jackson is an artist. His shoulders are his paintbrush. Ball carriers are his canvas. My heart has seen the glory of the coming of our lord.

Love the DEN Y/C playaction comment BFD. I’m so glad I don’t wallow in the depths of smooth brain Texans ESTABLISHING THE RUN is important discussions.

bigfatdrunk 12:20 PM

Jordan Akins is a very large human being.

FOURTH QUARTER

UprootedTexan 12:21 PM

Gird thyselves, y’all.

I’ll frequently make jokes about how the refs are in the bag for one team or another but by God I really think they’re actively trying to [kitten] over the New Orleans Saints.

Because that was the most egregious pass interference non-call I’ve seen probably since the NFC title game last year.

bigfatdrunk 12:27 PM

`Just saw it. Wow.

Matt Weston 12:27 PM

(to UT) Yeah, but it’s a punt right? Does that change things?

Let’s change this to a NO-SF thread starting now!

bigfatdrunk 12:28 PM

Good [Durga], what a play by Watson. What a wizard.

There is literally no value in going for two here. None.

(DESHAUN WATSON FLYING INTO THE END ZONE FOR THE TOUCHDOWN. BRONCOS LEAD 38-17.)

UprootedTexan 12:29 PM

(to Weston) No, that was a normal pass.

For some reason they’re still trying to play in this game.

bigfatdrunk 12:35 PM

Anything is possible with Watson.

UprootedTexan 12:38 PM

My computer just died, I blame the secondary.

10+ minutes to score three touchdowns. Nothing to it, right?

bigfatdrunk 12:45 PM

Not even I have 100% given up. Watson is, and can be, that good.

(After Jewell’s sack). Well, hmph.

Good [Durga], Watson to Hopkins.

UprootedTexan 12:46 PM

An absolute [Durga][kitten] wizard.

C’mon Coutee.

bigfatdrunk 12:48 PM

A lot of empty seats. Wow.

HAHAHAAHAH! KAREEEEEEEEEMMMMMM!

UprootedTexan 12:49 PM

Not sure I blame them really. You go down by five TDS it kind of shakes your confidence a little.

We could’ve paid for him, right? We had the cash to extend him, right?

Kenneth L. 12:51 PM

[Kitten] what a crazy play

UprootedTexan 12:51 PM

Tip drill.

Kenneth L. 12:51 PM

Who knows, but the Texans deserve this

Is this the most embarrassing loss?

UprootedTexan 12:51 PM

This season or all time? Because if it’s the latter it’s a resounding no.

All time I’m not sure this cracks the top 10.

This season though, I think maybe the Ravens game was worse, or the Panthers game.

bigfatdrunk 1:01 PM

Oh, [kitten], y’all. The Dolphins kicked 7 FGs today. You know BOB wants a piece of that action.

UprootedTexan 1:02 PM

This is what happens when you stray from the light of the All Field Goal Offense.

(WATSON RUNS THE BALL IN FOR A TOUCHDOWN. BRONCOS LEAD 38-24.)

bigfatdrunk 1:07 PM

Watson got 32 points for me today. /ducks

(TEXANS LOSE 38-24.)

Kenneth L. 1:11 PM

Unbelievable

Matt Weston 1:15 PM

Who cares! The Texans beat the Patriots!

GAME BALLS

Offense - Deshaun Watson, because he’s a wizard and if I don’t he’ll turn me into a newt.

Defense - LOL no.

Special Teams - Well he didn’t miss any kicks so let’s give Ka’imi Fairbairn a game ball.

So you saw what we had to say, let’s hear what you think. Comment below!