Hair of the Dog - Super Bowl LIII Edition: Patriots v. Rams

I won’t lie to y’all, that game sucked. It sucked on so many levels. It sucked because the game was terrible. It sucked because the Patriots won. It sucked because the Patriots and Patriots ownership and anyone vaguely associated with the Patriots do not deserve happiness ever. But here we are anyway, in a hellworld not of our making where the most obnoxious team in the league is also the now defending champion.

It turns the stomach, doesn’t it?

So to celebrate this, and to mark the beginning of our collective march into the wilderness that is the offseason, here is a brief (very, very brief) Hair of the Dog about Super Bowl LIII which we talk about in between discussions of food and stuff.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. Call it our parting gift to you for this season.

Enjoy! I’ll be in the kitchen eating peach pie.

Pre-Game Thoughts

Luke

[Kitten] New England.

Weston (who we are becoming very concerned about)

For the first and what should be the only time in my life I’m root root rooting for the Pats.

UT

(to Weston) You will be purged.

Ideally, this game gets interrupted by a neutron bomb, but if I had to pick, I guess I’m taking the Rams solely because of Wade.

As always, I live for the day when I see the Patriots (and all Boston sports teams) cast into the [kitten]ing abyss of sports where they belong.

Luke (to Weston)

Who hurt you Matt?

Weston (to Luke)

Idk. I just really didn’t care for this band of mercenaries Rams team and I liked how NE came together.

Patterson out here looking like King Tut

First Quarter

UT

It just started snowing, I take this as an ill omen that the Patriots will win.

tehGrindCrusher (to UT)

Are neutron bombs real?

[Ed. Note: They are.]

(Patriots kick a field goal, lead 3-0.)

Weston

I always enjoy how well NE gets its receivers open.

Second Quarter

Weston

Someone has to score some day

UT

My Super Bowl meal: lobster tacos with cilantro lime sauce and cotija cheese.

Weston

(to UT) Oooo id eat that

I had some root beer kombucha a hit dog and some carrots

[Kitten] yeah give me more aquarium stock footage. CBS bringing it for the Super Bowl.

UT

Gronk getting looked at, which means he’ll play the rest of the game and make some idiotic unpossible catch.

Have there been any commercials worth a [kitten] so far?

Weston (to UT)

Idk there all too fast for me to follow along. My brain isn’t Bill O’Brien sized and I can’t keep up.

UT

“E. Stanley Kroenke?” Oh go [kitten] yourself, Stan.

Halftime Reactions

UT

(INTENSE SARCASM) Y’ALL READY FOR SOME MAROON 5?!

BFD

The old player commercial was fun.

We celebrated my son’s birthday today as he turned 16 this week. Like, OMFG, my son is 16. Cray cray. I made a cheese dip that was amazeballs, so that was my “dinner.”

Capt Ron

Smokey Old Fashioneds here at Casa Ron...

BFD (to Capt Ron)

What the hell is going on in that picture? Remember that I rarely leave the house.

Capt Ron (to BFD)

I brought this board back from Calgary (the guy at the Marriott Bar let me have one) and we’re cranking out some fun variants using Garrison Brothers.

There’s a guy in Calgary who bonded several types of wood together: Cherry, Hickory, Maple, Oak and Walnut and then you use a torch to heat up one if the wood types and then put the glass over it to infuse it with the wood smoke. Then you mix up and Old Fashioned with the whiskey and bitters of your preference and serve over a monster ice ball.

I got three fresh boards and brought them back to Houston. Fun stuff!!

Third Quarter

Weston

I’ve never seen someone hate tackling as much as Peters

[Kitten]. I can’t wait to live in Calgary one day and freeze to death.

Yeeehaaaaaw doggy I love some hot field position action

Capt Ron (to Weston)

It was -16F for that 6am flight yesterday.

UT

So I guess my question about today’s game so far is this: If the Texans were playing in this game, would they somehow break the negative points threshold?

BFD (to UT)

With Alfred Blue and Ryan Griffin on your team, negative points are never out of the question.

HEY! I KNOW! Let’s promote Ryan Griffin’s position coach to be the OC. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Who would ever be stupid enough to do that.

Weston

Houston would be down 17-3 and here would come the nail in the coffin and then Houston would get some bull[kitten] blowout points to make it look closer than it actually was.

(Rams tie the game 3-3.)

UT

I’ve never been so threatened by anything like the threat of this game going to overtime.

BFD

I’m loving this game. Pats’ offense is not adjusting to Son of Bum’s game plan, and the Rams’ d line is playing great. Goff looking super pedestrian is pretty lame, though. I guess I’m just so enamored with what Wade is doing. Put that man in the Hall.

Fourth Quarter

Weston

How do they adjust?

They have only one play who can beat man coverage that’s it, and they aren’t converting on third and short. The one change I see them needing to make is to run the ball off tackle instead of into LA.

UT

Can we, just for today’s game, have punt judging where good punts (ruled as such by celebrity judges on the sidelines) give bonus points to good punts and take points away for bad points.

We all know this is going to end with Tom Brady doing his usual Tom Brady [kitten], right?

Weston (to UT)

CAN YOU FEEL IT????

(Patriots score the first touchdown of the game, lead 10-3.)

UT

This is how it was destined to end...[kitten]y.

(Goff throws interception)

UT

Sigh...that was [kitten]ing dumb Goff.

Weston

lol it’s just power running baby

I have loved this a lot more than I should have

(Pats kick a field goal, lead 13-3.)

UT

This game is over and thank [Durga] for it.

BFD

[Kitten]it.

Weston

NOBODY [KITTEN]ING BELIEVED IN US

WE AINT DONE YET

Capt Ron

I have seen more excitement at funerals. What a thud of a Super Bowl.

UT

I guess the one good thing about this, if there’s ANYTHING good about the Patriots winning anything, is that the Patriots now have more Super Bowl wins than the Cowboys and have gotten every single one after the Cowboys’ last SB appearance.

[Kitten] football, it’s curling season, [kitten]s!

Game Balls

Who cares, neither of these teams matter because they’re not the Texans.

Welp, that’s all the season wrote. It was a good season, if irritating at times, and hopefully next year will be even better. For all of us here at BRB thanks for watching the Texans along with us and we’ll still be here, come on around.