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Red Zone Play: Mocking the Houston Texans Mock Drafts

Since it’s all speculation, we might as well make fun have fun of with it

Houston Texans v New York Jets
Taking a punter in the first round is seriously unorthodox...
Photo by Steven Ryan/Getty Images

With the current excitement swirling around the latest mock drafts from big name mockers like Mel Kiper, Bucky Brooks, Lance Zierlein and others, the vacuum of quality football news is currently sucking in nothing but speculation.

In order to properly predict a draft, it’s best to look at available talent, team needs and historic trends, particularly those in recent history. But, at the end of the day, most “draft gurus” aren’t any more successful at predicting what player gets drafted by what team than any random guy at the local sports bar.

So, to that end, let’s see about rolling out a mock draft that mocks the process by applying what we’ve seen from the Houston front office over the last five years and go from there, shall we?

(Yes, I winced as much typing that out as you did reading it…)

Round One:

With the #23 pick in the 2019 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select wide receiver N’keal Harry from ASU.

While wide receiver isn’t an area of immediate need, Houston head coach Bill O’Brien convinces general manager Brian Gaine that Deshaun Watson will blossom as a pocket passer given more reliable receiving targets and Harry fits the bill. The big-bodied receiver, a top-20 recruit out of Chandler High School, has been making highlight reel plays ever since. Partnered with Deandre Hopkins and whichever speedster isn’t on the injury report on any particular week should give Watson more targets to wish he could have thrown to if the defense hadn’t sacked him .02 seconds after he got the ball.

Round Two:

With the #54 pick in the 2019 NFL Draft the Houston Texans select quarterback Dwayne Haskins from Ohio State

In the event Deshaun Watson’s reinjures his lungs and spleen, the Texans don’t feel A.J. McCarron will survive much longer and really don’t want to lose Joe Webb’s contributions on special teams, so bringing in another quarterback makes sense with this pick. While some have Haskins connected to the New York Giants, Eli Manning doesn’t plan on retiring until after Tom Brady does, so Haskins slips to the Texans here.

Round Two:

With the #55 pick in the 2019 NFL Draft the Houston Texans select running back David Montgomery from Iowa State

If recent history tells us anything it’s that Bill O’Brien loves him some A-Gap. Since Houston failed to shore up the interior offensive line (or exterior for that matter), having a running back who can avoid a collapsed A-Gap and create something from a designed busted play, Montgomery fits the bill here.

Round Three:

With the #86th pick in the 2019 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select defensive end Carl Granderson from Wyoming.

Another thing recent history has taught us is that Houston is completely incapable of making it four rounds through the draft without selecting a defensive lineman. With no pick in round four, the Texans take the best available player left in hopes of shoring up depth behind the recently re-signed Brennan Scarlet. “We really feel Brennan has a great upside, but want to protect our investment in him by having a younger guy to spell him on those drives where our defense just can’t seem to get off the field, or in games where our offense can’t stay on it…” stated an anonymous Texans coach.

Round Five:

With their 5th round pick, the Houston Texans select offensive lineman Zach Bailey from South Carolina.

Realizing ticket sales will plummet if they don’t at least make the appearance of shoring up the offensive line, Texans brass take a project player in Bailey, who has collegiate starts at both left tackle and center. Like Julie’n Davenport, the Texans are committed to allowing this young lineman time to grow in their system for years to come before throwing him off the deep end in week one or two of the coming season…

Round Six:

With their 6th round pick, the Houston Texans select Mark Fields, cornerback from Clemson.

Worried that their consecutive streak of drafts with a Clemson player might come to an end, Houston grabs the best available Tiger left on the board. While certainly not the most impressive cornerback in the draft, surely he can do as well as Kevin Johnson, right?

Round Seven:

With their 7th round pick, the Houston Texans select Brock Ruble, offensive tackle from Toledo.

In their tradition of selecting project players, the Texans go to the well once more with the Toledo tackle, a player Walter Football states “…was a solid run blocker, but he needs a lot of work to improve in pass protection…” indicating Bill O’Brien might be re-thinking his commitment to the A-Gap.

Well, there you have it, a mockers’ mock draft.While this is obviously not serious, seeing what a worst-case scenario for the Houston draft looks like should make anything that actually occurs on draft weekend appear as a win. Hopefully, Brian Gaine addresses the offensive line and cornerback positions early and often, but that hope didn’t pan out when applied to free agency, so who knows what’s going to happen at this point?

What do you think is a worst-case scenario? Have a parody mock draft of your own? Let’s have some fun with this – drop your mockers draft in the comments section!