I have posted so many mock drafts. Mock drafts showing one selection for each team, mock drafts with trades, mock drafts without trades, three round mock drafts, seven round mock drafts, dueling banjo mock drafts, wild trade scenario mock drafts, and sometimes even an aggregate post of multiple mock drafts. I’m sick of it. Today is the day I have the power and control. I am free.
Most importantly, here are no rules here. My lame parents are dead. This is 1990s Nickelodeon. It’s time to have some real fun. Time and reality for these mortal bones glued together by tendons, or at least I think that’s how it works, wrapped in muscle and plopped with fat, are finite. The pen and paper. Fingers and keyboard. These things are infinite. Why constrain this opportunity with chastity and rules when absolute freedom is finally available underneath an open window? Scrub clean the rotted brain with what I think will happens, or what I want to have happen, or what should happen.
I have become death, a poster of my own mock draft.
1. Arizona Cardinals: Nick Bosa (EDGE, Ohio State)
The Kyler Murray selection at 1.1 has been too certain for too long. I don’t think it happens, and I don’t want it to happen no matter how many stones Kliff tossed upon his window. Josh Rosen was in a horrendous quarterback situation as a rookie. He played behind the worst offensive line in football last season and played for two separate offensive coordinators. Unless a team is offering an early second or first round pick, and reports indicate teams aren’t offering that, I don’t see any reason to move on that quickly from him and double dip at the position. If Kingsbury is such a boy wonder offensive super genius instead of just a Mike Leach replicate, he should be able to dramatically improve Rosen.
Instead, I say the Cardinals grab a front seven player. They go with Bosa so Chandler Jones can play off of him. Jones is going to play the guitar a lot next season.
2. San Francisco 49ers: Quinnen Williams (DT, Alabama)
The 49ers are just going to keep taking front seven players until it finally works out. Williams is the best one around. Him and DeForest Buckner will be the new bash brothers. I feel so bad for Russell Wilson and Rosen for having to see this and Aaron Donald four times a year.
The wonky factory is at full production in D.C. The internet is screaming. Washington is allegedly looking to trade up into the top five to take a quarterback. The 49ers skip out on trading down to take Williams. Washington scoots up to take Haskins. There’s no way they take Daniel Jones here. Right? Right? Right? I scream into the void until I resume talking to the Mel Kiper Jr. in my television and scare off the birds outside my window. Oh, Mel, you just get me.
4. Oakland Raiders: Josh Allen (EDGE, Kentucky)
The Raiders had 13 sacks last season. They’re going to take the best edge rusher available. Allen has an insane get-off. He just needs to refine his counter move and bullrush. He has the strength to pull it off. If he does, he should be a 13 sack a year player.
The Dolphins don’t want to take a quarterback. They want to quietly rebuild, set up a cozier situation for a future quarterback, let Ryan Fitzpatrick throw a lot of deep passes and interceptions, and lose a lot of games. Murray will still be here and the owner won’t be able to resist. Hopefully Murray can brush away the Aquafresh Dolphin and bring back the rightful football helmet one. It’s like a YES song.
6. New York Giants: Brian Burns (EDGE, Florida State)
After trading Olivier Vernon, the Giants need an edge rusher. Burns is that thing.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars: Jawaan Taylor (OT, Florida)
Jonah Williams is the better offensive tackle, but the Jags already have a left tackle in Cam Robinson. Taylor is the best right tackle in this class. The Jags should have their tackle spots locked in for Nick Foles until he’s released in two seasons.
8. Detroit Lions: T.J. Hockenson (TE, Iowa)
Detroit and Buffalo both want to trade down. Both teams will be despondent after being rejected, and will forever hate Dave Gettleman for sticking with Eli Manning for five more years. The Patriots had great tight ends. Matt Patricia continues to try and emulate the situation he was molded in.
9. Buffalo Bills: D.K. Metcalf (WR, Ole Miss)
I want this pick more than anything. I want Metcalf shivering because he has 2.7% body fat, running really far in a straight line, and Josh Allen always overthrowing him, always, but occasionally, it will snap together and Metcalf will haul one in; when he does, it will be sublime. Oh, I’ve seen the heavenly gates. Metcalf will have a catch rate of like 30% and average 22.5 yards a reception. He’ll call Sammy Watkins every night for support and be exchanged for a third round pick in two seasons.
10. Denver Broncos: Devin White (LB, LSU)
Yeah, Denver can’t start Josey Jewell at inside linebacker again. White is super fast and will help correct Denver’s short coverage woes.
11. Cincinnati Bengals: Jonah Williams (OT, Alabama)
The Bengals tried to surround Andy Dalton with skill players and a terrible offensive line; it didn’t work at all. Last year, the offense perked back up with Cordy Glenn at left tackle and fell apart once A.J. Green went down for the year. Williams will start at right tackle, and move to left eventually as a delayed heir to Andrew Whitworth. The Bengals will feel really dumb for re-signing Bobby Hart. But they probably feel that way anyways.
12. Green Bay Packers: Ed Oliver (DT, Houston)
The Packers would have the best interior defense in football by far. It would be hilarious. Keep pouring it up in my cup. Mike Daniels, Kenny Clark, Oliver, and the pretty good Dean Lowry rotating in would be beautiful to go along with some great Blake Martinez blitzes. Who cares about new signings Za’Darius Smith and Preston Smith? This could be the best pass rush in football right here.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (from Miami Dolphins): Devin Bush (LB, Michigan)
Kwon Alexander said goodbye. Bush is the best linebacker available. The Bucs’ defense will still be horrendous.
14. Atlanta Falcons: Montez Sweat (EDGE, Mississippi State)
He runs really fast! That’s good enough for Atlanta. Sweat sounds like the prototypical gourmet genetic soup combine freak who can’t play football, but that’s incorrect. Sweat knows how to play the game and is a fairly sophisticated pass rusher.
15. New York Jets (from Washington Redskins): Garrett Bradbury (C, North Carolina State)
Jonotthan Harrison was one of my favorite ‘I’ve wasted way too much of my life watching AFC South film’ players of all-time. I have a cave in my brain where him and Brian Schwenke reside. Sadly, he’ll move to the bench if he can’t win a guard battle because Bradbury will start at center for a dozen years.
16. Carolina Panthers: Andre Dillard (OT, Washington State)
This is the one I want to see happen the most. No longer will Cam Newton have to be protected by Chris Clark, Matt Kalil, or Michael Oher. He finally gets a pure and perfect pass blocker. Also, I would love to see Dillard and his sub 5.0 40 speed running around in the open field, clearing and cutting down open field defenders to open up screen and reverse lanes for Christian McCaffrey and D.J. Moore. He’ll be one of those interstate mowers devouring tall wet grass and incinerating fast food Styrofoam.
17. New York Giants (from Cleveland Browns): Cody Ford, (OT, Oklahoma)
The best tackles are gone. The Giants reach for one because they can’t let Chad Wheeler start at right tackle again. People will throw a parade for the Giants getting bigger, stronger, and building through the trenches.
18. Minnesota Vikings: Greg Little (OT, Ole Miss)
Riley Reiff isn’t a left tackle. He’s a right tackle, and he may even move to left guard this offseason. Little would give Minnesota a competent pass protector who they’ll need to teach how to run block. Kirk Cousins requires great pass protection. He still won’t get it. He’ll still cowardly dump the ball off because he’s afraid to get hit. Cousins will continue to have games where he averages 4.3 yards per attempt.
19. Tennessee Titans: Rashan Gary (EDGE, Michigan)
Tennessee is in a strange spot. Their pass defense was awful last season despite the investment they made in their secondary and Dean Pees becoming their defensive coordinator. They had one of the worst edge rushes in the league. Harold Landry will now start at one side. Cameron Wake is 37 years old and will start at the other, and you know what...that doesn’t sound like a good idea. The Titans need more pass rushing, and Gary provides that. This season they’ll find out if the problem was their secondary or their pass rush. It’s a two year old question only I want the answer to. This world exists only for me.
20. Pittsburgh Steelers: Byron Murphy (CB, Washington)
The Steelers gave up too many downfield passes last year. Murphy will help correct that and can tackle better than the other top cornerbacks.
21. Seattle Seahawks: Jerry Tillery (DT, Notre Dame)
After trading Frank Clark, Seattle needs pass rushing. They’ll focus on the interior with Tillery rocking next to Jaraan Reed.
22. Baltimore Ravens: Marquise Brown (WR, Oklahoma)
As much as the Ravens will run the ball, and as much fun as the enormous backfields and all the pullers will be, the team will still have to throw the ball sometimes. Every once in a while, you gotta roll the windows down. Brown can stretch the field and is insane after the catch, turning curls into touchdowns.
23. Houston Texans: Greedy Williams (CB, LSU)
If I keep typing this, maybe I’ll be able to will it into existence.
24. Oakland Raiders (from Chicago Bears): Rock Ya-Sin (CB, Temple)
The Raiders want to trade down here and are hoping the Bengals, Giants, or someone else falls in love with Drew Lock or Daniel Jones. If not, they’ll just keep adding to the defense.
25. Philadelphia Eagles: Johnathan Abraham (S, Mississippi State)
He loves to hit, and the Eagles love hard hitting safeties. It’s cool how their secondary can go from Week Seven shambles to one of the better units around if young men Avonte Maddox and Cre’Von LeBlanc can keep playing like how they did last year.
26. Indianapolis Colts: Jeffery Simmons (DT, Mississippi State)
The Colts must improve their pass rush after not doing anything at all this offseason. Simmons will provide an interior rush they’re desperate for and he’ll feed tackles to Darius Leonard and Anthony Walker. Of course, Simmons may not even play this year. A perfect player for Chris Ballard who refused to go all in on right now.
27. Oakland Raiders (from Dallas Cowboys): Dexter Lawrence (DT, Clemson)
Mike Mayock continues to be pissed and is in disbelief no one wants a quarterback. Damn, I hope they have a war room feed of him and Gruden stewing because they can’t move down.
28. Los Angeles Chargers: Christian Wilkins (DT, Clemson)
It doesn’t matter. The Chargers are frauds. I’ll never forget the 2018 AFC Divisional Round.
29. Seattle Seahawks (from Kansas City Chiefs): Dalton Risner (OT, Kansas State)
A gargantuan Frankenstein refrigerator who doesn’t know how to play football, he’ll be perfect in Seattle.
30. Green Bay Packers (from New Orleans Saints): A.J. Brown (WR, Ole Miss)
They’ll want the other Brown and end up with this Brown instead.
31. Los Angeles Rams: Chris Lindstrom (OG, Boston College)
Losing Rodger Saffold is going to be devastating for this outside zone dependent team. I’ve read somewhere Lindstrom is the best guard around.
32. New England Patriots: Noah Fant (TE, Iowa)
Sure. Cool. I guess so. They’ll probably trade this pick for Rosen. The world is such a stupid, stupid, stupid place.