2019 NFL Draft: Hair of the Dog (First Round of Draftmas Edition)

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. It’s the NFL Draft, and your Houston Texans are soon to be on the clock. There’s a whole range of players available for them to take, but there’s that one player that you’ve really been hoping would fall to them. A player that would fill a much needed hole in the team, a player who would be an immediate upgrade from the garbage that occupied that role last year, a player who can’t help but be a perennial solution at a vital position for several years, and the Texans are one. pick. away.

Then you see those four words that strike fear into the hearts of Texans fans everywhere:

[Team previously picking before the Texans] Trades With [Team now picking before the Texans].

At first you think it’s nothing, that maybe they’re jumping to get a player from a team that picks after the Texans, but then you start thinking, “Why pick there then?”

That’s when your heart sinks. You grip whatever is closest at hand to you (stress relief ball, the scruff of your pug’s neck, a priceless and very breakable antique that crumbles to dust in your hands, whatever) as you prepare for the worst: The player you desperately wanted for the Texans, in an instant, is taken, plucked from the draft board. It feels like they ripped it straight out of your heart.

This is an all-too-familiar refrain for Texans fans. In 2014, the Texans had an opportunity to finally replace Matt Schaub with the quarterback of the future: Derek Carr, Teddy Bridgewater, hell, even a lava lamp if they so chose to move up one spot to 32. Instead, Seattle, which held that pick that year, traded with Minnesota, who promptly drafted Bridgewater. The Texans took all-time favorite lineman Xavier Su’a-Filo with the 33rd overall pick and the rest is history.

In 2015, the Texans were one pick away from getting Tyler Lockett to be the WR2 of the future. He was right there for the taking. Instead, Seattle leapfrogged the Texans and traded with Washington to add Tyler Lockett. The Texans, appearing more than happy to be complacent yet again, took a different wide receiver with the next pick: Jaelen Strong, who is now fighting for a spot on Cleveland’s roster.

Fast forward to this year: The draft board broke beautifully for the Texans to get what many consider to be the most polished offensive tackle in the draft in Andre Dillard. All the teams who could have conceivably taken an OT with their pick opted to take part in one of the deepest defensive line drafts in a long time. You could just picture him in deep steel blue he was that close. And then the Eagles swooped in and traded picks with the Ravens, took Dillard, and left the Texan to get Tytus Howard out of Alabama State.

It’s becoming something of a tradition and one that really, really sucks, like eating pickled herring at New Year’s. Anyway, I could rant and rave about how well the rest of us took that, but you’ll see that soon enough. I’ll just be over here wondering how the Texans have yet to invest in a phone system for their war room.

On to the dog! As always, in finest HotD tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. It truly is a Draftmas miracle.

Enjoy!

Pre-Draft:

Weston

I’m combing my hair up to really make my widows peak pop

Did they trade Clowney yet?

BFD (to Weston)

Not yet, but they’re giving it their best shot. Because we are, apparently, stupid.

UT

Hot taek inbound: I cannot shake the feeling that Cal McNair will be the next Mike Brown.

BFD (to UT)

Seeing that BOB is the next Marvin Lewis? Seems about right.

UT

Someone won season tickets to the Giants for the next 100 years. First, LOL at assuming football will still be around then, second, I wonder how many former Oilers fans laughed their [kitten]s off at the idea of a team staying in one city for a century; which I guess means you’d almost have to give those tickets to a New York team.

The Draft Begins

Arizona takes Kyler Murray first.

UT

Bye bye Josh Rosen.

BFD

Kyler Murray is such a fascinating prospect, but he’s several steps below Baker Mayfield. Whereas Mayfield is pass first, Murray is run first. Murray’s accuracy down the field is excellent, but he really struggles with accuracy on horizontal type routes.

If anybody but Kliff Kingsbury takes him, I would be worried. With Kingsbury? Yeesh, Kliff will figure out something for him, methinks.

Capt Ron

I guess it sort of takes the sting out of losing the 2014 Texas high school state championship (Cy-Ranch to Allen) to a future NFL first overall draft pick and Heisman Trophy quarterback in Kyler Murray. OL players Greg Little and Bobby Evans from that same Allen team are projected to be drafted as well.

Nick Bosa is taken by the 49ers.

UT

John Bosa looks like he wants me to invest in his multilevel marketing system but only with Bitcoin and will punch me if I don’t.

BFD

It’s cute - or not! - that people still think Dak Prescott is good.

Listening to Nick Bosa talk, I’m reminded of an old school string of C5 size holiday lights with half the bulbs out.

Quinnen Williams drafted by the Jets.

BFD

Williams’ story makes me want to cry. [Kitten]z.

Raiders draft Clelin Ferrell.

UT

What is a Clelin Ferrell?

Matt Burnham

That was a very Raiders pick. Very Raiders..

Luke

I’m just imaginging a fist fight between Mayock and Gruden over control of the phone.

BFD

I like Ferrell fine. I do. But yikes.

UT

I really hope they’re both drunk. Not because I hate the Raiders, I just am in love with the idea of a pair of drunks in charge of a team’s draft board.

Luke (to BFD)

Yeah Ferrell is a good player it’s just y’know there are better prospects there, Ed Oliver for one.

Devin White taken by the Bucs.

Capt Ron

Oliver falling? Doooo eeeet, Texans!

UT (to Capt Ron)

I doubt he gets past the top 10.

Matt Burnham

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Giants take him right here.

Kenneth L.

Josh Allen could fall a bit if not taken here.

Giants draft Daniel Jones.

Matt Burnham

Wow

UT

Ooooookay...

Kenneth L.

WHAT

Capt Ron

Has anyone considered the fact that the second player picked in this draft will be lining up to kill the first player in this draft at least twice per season, and that Arizona’s offensive line is worse than Houston’s?

Kyler should have gone to play baseball, because he may not be able to play marbles come December.

Luke

Nah to Sam Darnold and Josh Rosen but yes to Daniel Jones. Interesting.

Capt Ron

Great pick for NYG. Buy bye, Manning.

/sarcasm quotes

UT

Ladies and gentlemen, the Ryan Tannehill Memorial Overinflated QB Pick Of The Year.

Kenneth L.

Now if Jags get thirsty and don’t take Jawaan Taylor, Texans could be in a better position to get a OL

Glitter Kitties draft Josh Allen.

UT

Eeeek.

MDC

Any time you can get the fourth best QB in the draft at 6, you pull that trigger!

Capt Ron

Josh Allen to Jags. Damn!

Texans OL pressure just increased a few atmospheres.

BFD

Jags take Josh Allen. Ah [kitten].

MDC

[Kitten]. [Kiiiiitten].

Luke

Well if there’s a silver lining it’s that the Jags were one spot where a OT could have gone so y’know, dodging bullets and stuff.

BFD

Thank Durga we have...***checks notes***...Seantrel Henderson and Matt Kalil and I’m done with this. Goodness gracious.

Capt Ron

Houston could trade with Buffalo and pick the top OT, CB or TE.

UT

Brian Gaine better have a rabbit ready to pull out of his [kitten].

Lions draft T.J. Hockenson.

Capt Ron

Hockenson just went where NFL dreams die...Detroit.

UT

Lions get an Iowa tight end. BOB is furious.

BFD

No trades yet, which seems odd.

Capt Ron

NFL Memes on Twitter:

Oakland Raiders: Nobody can screw up their draft pick like we can

New York Giants: Hold our beer.

University of Houston product Ed Oliver is drafted by the Bills.

UT

The Ed Oliver dream is dead.

Capt Ron

Well, the scouting reports seem to have been legit with DL being the heart of this draft.

BFD

Damn, I love the Olivers.

Broncos trade pick to Steelers.

UT

There you go BFD.

Steelers take Devin Bush.

Capt Ron

Devin Bush will line up next to T.J. Watt in Pitt.

Matt Burnham

Steelers scouting reports all consist of 40 time, vertical, and hairstyle.

MDC

What the [kitten] is dude wearing?

UT

Broncos get 20th pick, 52nd pick and a third rounder next year.

Bengals take the first offensive lineman in the draft in Jonah Williams.

Luke

First OT off the board.

BFD

[KITTEN!]

Capt Ron

I’d love to see Houston trade with the Packers or Miami to get Dillard.

OL run just commenced!

Packers draft Rashan Gary.

Dolphins take Christian Wilkins.

Falcons select Chris Lindstrom.

Capt Ron

Think Dan will bring Haskins to D.C.?

Luke

If the Texans want a tackle now is the time to trade up, Panthers, Vikings and Giants could all take OT’s.

[Potatoes] take Dwayne Haskins.

UT (to Capt Ron)

To answer your question Ron, yes. Yes I do.

Seven picks to go...

Kenneth L.

I am sprinting home from work

Carolina takes Brian Burns, who is not an offensive tackle.

Kenneth L.

Panthers go D-line!

Luke

Okay that’s interesting. I would have swore that they were going to take a OT.

Kenneth L.

Big step!!

Capt Ron

Six picks away, I doubt Houston moves up now. They’ll “let the draft come to them” at this point, and that’s probably smart.

BFD

Dillard is right there. I would trade ***checks masthead for the newbie*** Matt in the Middle’s left testicle for Dillard.

Giants draft Dexter Lawrence.

Capt Ron

This was projected to be a strong DL draft, and it has sure played out that way. Wow!

Weston

[Kitten] even Taylor falls to 23 he’d come in and start at RT anyways

The Jags and Panthers passing on an OT was made the Dillard/Taylor watch interesting

BFD

If I have said it once, I have said it about 15 times: I can haz Dabo?

Matt Burnham

Trade OBJ, get $20 million cap hit

Resulting in Dexter Lawrence

Vikings draft Garrett Bradbury.

UT

VIKINGS TOOK A CENTER! THEY TOOK A CENTER!!!! This board couldn’t be shaping up better for us.

BFD

I do not want a RT in the first. I do not want to eat lox in a box with a fox.

I want a LT.

Kenneth L.

Guys this draft is going so well I do not want to watch. Like seriously i don’t want to jinx this and may not turn on the tv

BFD

[Kitten] Nashville, then burn it to the ground.

Capt Ron

Eek! Titans had the pick in faster than Cal McNair could pour a double Macallan!

UT

I refuse to believe these Traitors fans are real. They are paid by the team to make it look like people care about them.

Traitors take Jeffery Simmons.

Capt Ron

Incredible “defensive trenches” draft so far! Titans take DT Jeffery Simmons.

JJ Watt on Twitter:

“Can we draft #72 from the Tennessee metro high school team? Kid looks like a beast.”

UT (wherein I clearly show that I can see the future...sorta, but not at all)

Just saw the Broncos pick, and I expect the Seahawks will take a pass rusher to offset Frank Clark here. Which means the Ravens are the only ones to worry about now.

BFD

You know what would be more value in the broadcast than Luke Bryan or whatever? Anything. A half roll of toilet paper would be better.

Weston

I’m surprised the Titans didn’t take Sweat there.

Broncos take tight end Noah Fant.

Capt Ron

The other TE is gone.

UT

Both from Iowa. Glory to all tight end offense.

Seahawks trade their pick to the Packers, because of course they do.

UT

This could be trouble.

Luke

If i’m the Texans i’m thinking about trying to deal the two 2nd’s in order to get up to the back end of the first or top of the 2nd if the possible because Greedy or Byron Murphy might still be on the board and a haul of Dillard+Greedy would be nutty.

UT

I have a bad feeling about this.

Capt Ron

If the Texans can snag Dillard and Greedy, then Amazon is going to be shipping a mountain of sponges to my house.

Packers select Darnell Savage.

Luke

Eagles trading up also.

Weston

[Kitten] a Greedy Dillard haul would be some alltime bad[kitten] [kitten]

I never thought it was a possibility

Luke

WOWEE Darnell Savage to Green Bay.

None of us did Matty but holy [kitten] if it’s a possibility then I’m putting all of the eggs in that basket.

Capt Ron

LZ thinks the Eagles just moved up to scoop Dillard from the Texans.

UT (to Capt Ron)

I would not blink if they did.

Weston

Taylor is really good too

Luke

The question is who is going to LT and who is going to RT?

Eagles do, in fact, take Andre Dillard.

Kenneth L.

I’m [kitten]ed. Dillard was the dream.

Weston

If it’s Taylor then there will be a Davenport/Kalil battle

If it’s Dillard then Davenport will probably move to right and battle Seantrel Henderson

Capt Ron

Congratulations, Houston Texans dumb [kitten] front office!!! You just got punked in the draft again!!!

Luke

Oh god Rapoport was talking about how much the Texans like Tytus Howard.

Weston

[KITTEN] NO.

Your Houston Texans select Tytus Howard - Offensive Tackle - Alabama State.

Mike Bullock

“50th overall player...” sigh

UT

Um....okay.

BFD

No words.

Diehard Chris

What just happened. Really?

MDC

[Kitten]

Luke

I’m going to go listen to Morbid Stuff.

Kenneth L.

I’m blistering mad

Weston

He’s just big and wide. This sucks dudes.

Capt Ron

Howard for a RT instead of moving up to get Dillard and getting scalped by the Eagles?!!!

/sigh

Kenneth L.

Why can’t we have [kitten] nice things

Dunsmore

What was that pick?

Luke

It’s not the Howard pick that hurts right now. It’s the getting Dillard swiped from right underneath our noses.

Capt Ron

If Houston trades up and gets Greedy, all is not lost. What a mess. How do they keep getting punked like that in drafts?

MDC (to Capt Ron)

They won’t

Oakland Raiders pick Josh Jacobs.

Baltimore takes Marquise Brown.

Kenneth L.

I feel like this is a joke. This is too stupid to be actually how this goes down

Brett

I hate this [kitten]ing team sometimes.

UT

LZ is comparing Tytus Howard to Duane Brown in terms of potential.

[Potatoes] select Montez Sweat.

Oakland picks Johnathan Abram.

Jerry Tillery to the Chargers.

L.J. Collier to the Seahawks.

Giants select DeAndre Baker, the first corner taken in the draft.

Atlanta drafts Kaleb McGary.

Kenneth L.

Matt, your favorite player McGary just was taken by Atlanta

Capt Ron

Texans not even working the phones tonight?

Do you not think that the Ravens didn’t call Houston and say that Philly was jumping them to try and sweeten the deal? A 4th and a 6th is all it took?!!

The last pick in the round is N’Keal Harry by...some team, I can’t remember, took him.

Jeremy

I have to think the Texans will be on the phones to trade up in the second round.

Greedy and Byron Murphy are still on the board.

Capt Ron

Texans GM Brian Gaine said Tytus Howard will have a chance to compete for a starting job, notes starting caliber player at both tackle spots and can also play guard. ‘Has the height, weight, speed.’

“Weight speed?!!”

tehGrindCrusher

But what’s his assmass?

[Ed. Note: I left in this one on purpose because this is a long-standing joke of the blog and it would make less sense if converted to [kitten]mass. Please consult the BRB glossary for more details.]

Weston

McGary is going to be great in Atlanta’s outside zone scheme.

So the Texans took a developmental tackle, who they will try out at both right and left, when they could have probably taken him in the second round, when they needed to find someone who could start right away, after spending nothing in free agency, with Deshaun Watson on his rookie contract. Good got it.

At least Greedy Williams and Byron Murphy are still there.

So how are you feeling, Texans fans? Frustrated? Optimistic? Slightly nauseous? Yeah, us too. At least there’s still six more rounds to work with. Let us know what you think of the draft so far in the comments below!