Praise be. That most wonderful sound. My brain is cleaner than a shampoo commercial. My limbs have been detached and reattached to my torso. The nausea has been swept away like mouse turds under the dishwaster. I am finally no longer hungover. After four days, finally, I am myself, that dark wedge hidden deep under my carapace mine again.
I went to New Orleans last weekend with the fellas, and if you’ve never been, you should maybe go despite that it’s an evil place. But if you do go I have a Prima Official Strategy Guide for you.
1.) Go To Bed!!
This one is very important. Nothing closes in that city. It just keeps going forever and forever. The eating and drinking never stops. It just keeps going and going and going like some demented carousel. There’s no logical conclusion to the night. It’s all on you. This is especially disastrous for vactaion goers, like me, who are happy and open and keep filling oneself up as full as they can. The trick is to go to bed whenever you need to. Don’t push it. The same thing will be going on as soon as you are up. It never ends.
2.) Don’t Drink Unidentified Liquids
Everyone at every counter is trying to make sure you, stupid tourist, is having a great time and your debit card is inserted in their machine. Aren’t you so cute? Bawby you gotta try this. Don’t drink it if you don’t know what it is. There are vials handed out from an over the counter lab experiment. There are slurpees that aren’t fully frozen made from ice, sugar, and whatever is contained in those gasoline containers behind the counter. Drinks are $12 for the first one, and 1⁄2 from there, you don’t need to get your money’s worth. Unbutton down that shirt a few buttons. Listen to the trombone. Just don’t put down the unknown vile wretching liquid.
3.) There Are Other Things To Do
I’m a full fledged adult now. I got a dog, a wife, two cars, two car garage, two kids, and a lawn mower. But I’m still learning what most adults already know. Every city has plenty to do aside from drinking and eating. You can go on a swamp tour and caress a baby alligator, stroll through the swamp at one of the National Park Historic Sites, buy some sp00000ky gifts for your crazy abode, or visit an invigorating museum.
4.) Bring A Movie
Despite all the things in the world there are for you, you are going to get tired and want to relax during the day. It’s humid, hot, and your undercarriage gets all swampy. You’ll want to head home and take a midday shower and relax eventually. There are plenty of fun movies you can watch to keep you in that New Orleans mindset: Princess And The Frog, Double Jeopardy, The Haunted Mansion. Bring the city of New Orleans under your Snuggy.
5.) Go To Bed!
More than anything, after all the walking and eating and walking and drinking and eating in the swampy heat, go to sleep. Get some rest. It will still be there in the morning.
Anyways, that’s all I got, the rest of the floor is yours to discuss whatever: how dumb every team in the NBA is for not trading Kawhi Leonard, the dismantling of the Rockets, Carlos Correa’s massage, your favorite brand of hot dog, summertime trips, and Virginia Woolf novels. Just remember the standard commenting rules apply.