Comrades! It is with heavy heart that we at the Ministry of Information, who work tirelessly to bring you only most honest and reliable news about only team in football that matters, see such lies and horrific falsehoods spilling so much mendacious virtual ink upon internet pages. It makes our hearts heavier to see that such falsetruths are now coming from this most venerable website as well.
It is uncertain what malicious, and potentially perverted, reasons these fine writers would have for posting these incorrect opinions of theirs. The Ministry can only assume that these loyal fans of the Motherland are, at best, confused about the events of the last few weeks, or, at worst, being led astray by treasonous outside actors. Perhaps they were caught doing unseemly things to root vegetables which The Ministry will not post pictures of or trouble you with the details, the...horrific details. They are irrelevant.
Let us take the events of the week individually.
—The justified firing of the coward Brian Gaine by Supreme Leader O’Brien.
The former general manager of the Houston Texans, who is unfit to wear the uniform of a concessions employee at our glorious stadium, was uninterested in improving the quality of play by the team. His inability or disinterest in bringing in quality free agents, drafting top level prospects, instead relying on deep projects, and the failure to sign Jadeveon Clowney to a long-term extension makes his purging entirely justifiable.
While others will claim that the timing of his rightly earned liquidation is suspect, it is only that our great leader—may he be signed to a 10,000 year contract extension!—acted decisively and correctly by excising the necrotic tissue from the wholesome body that is the football loving fans and players of the Houston Texans. The only concern of Supreme Leader O’Brien’s is the happiness of his fellow Texans fans.
Why do so many writers wish suffering upon the people of Houston that they would continue to employ the traitorous unperson Gaine for any longer than was deemed necessary by our dear leader? What pain would they wish you if they came into contact with you? Fear not, comrades, our Supreme Leader has only your interests at heart!
—The attempted hiring of Nick Caserio from Slightly Newer England.
As you have no doubt heard by now from disreputable sources, Texans, who bring joy to all who follow them, made valiant efforts to bring once and future general manager Nick Caserio into the loving grip of our proud and free homeland. Unfortunately, our efforts were rebuffed by the tyrants of the northeast, who cast and reclaim their football staff like sadist’s yo-yo.
These false “patriots” threaten the Motherland with sanctions and “tampering” charges to embarrass Texans fans and humiliate Caserio. And for what? For trying to give a long-suffering future Texans employee a break? It is unthinkable such cruelty that has been visited on Caserio by the cowards from the northeast. If the “patriots” were so worried about the peace and football loving Texans taking Nick Caserio, liberating him from a totalitarian regime he toils under to this day, then they shouldn’t have hired him in first place. In reality, the NFL should bring charges of tampering against the “patriots” for their slipshod method of having football executives worthy of catching the eye of the best football team in history. For shame, less old England, blaming the victim of your perfidy!
In point of fact, the real tampering that happened here is these “patriots” tampering with the hearts and minds of the greatest fans in football. Would you stand for it? No! And neither did Supreme Leader O’Brien. Instead of knuckling under to the obscene demands of these criminals, these wolves in ill-fitting clothing, Comrade O’Brien has ordered that no general manager be hired and those duties split between himself and Vice Marshal of Character Development, Morale, and Hitting Unhappy Employees With A Very Large Stick, Jack Easterby. We are proud, we are free, we will not submit to anyone, let alone the lesser Englanders who think the world revolves around them!
Some would have you wonder, like this Luke Beggs fellow, which is totally a fake name, why must our beloved Texans emulate these criminals? Why can we not develop our own identity and football culture, especially in a state where football culture abounds? He, and writers like him, would question the need for hiring Caserio, for greater alignment with this tyrant of the Northeastern Bloc.
They do not see the greater picture, the picture that our Supreme Leader, in whose bald head shines the bright future of our Texans, sees for our Motherland. Caserio, his value as a football man, is now secondary to the very act of liberating him from the “patriots.” Our glorious Texans, the only team that prizes freedom so greatly that we will force players to stand up for it or suffer the consequences, want only freedom for Caserio and all other highly-paid football executives who are forced to live under the yoke of inferior teams such as the “patriots.”
Let us also not forget that every move we make, for the liberation of all who seek it, only makes angrier those that stand for oppression. Take for instance the news that our liberation of Vice Marshal Easterby has struck a very unpleasant chord with the false “patriots,” not that there are any pleasant chords, for there is nothing pleasant about the Northeastern Bloc; nothing about football brings them joy, despite what their paid crisis actors, who are held at gunpoint, would have you believe.
The people’s football team of Texas welcomes their ire. Every moment they spend focusing on us is a moment they cannot spend torturing their own players. For every second the tyrant Belichick spends fuming about us, means one less second he can spend throwing poorly-performing players nipples first into a tank full of very angry lobsters. We undertake that kind of sacrifice for the greater good. That is the genius and the benevolence of Comrade Marshal O’Brien.
The greater question this so-called Luke brings up is why do Texans feel need to make themselves like less old England? For reasons that elude the tireless pursuers of truth at the Ministry of Information, people around league believe, falsely or otherwise, that the “patriots” are a team worth emulating. Now anybody can throw Bill Belichick and Tom Brady onto a team and have some vague measure of success. The Ministry expects that if this combination were together in the vile wasteland of Arlington, that team might even be tolerably watchable. There is no challenge to having these two on your team. Comrade O’Brien, who has never seen any challenge that cannot be overcome, has deemed that victory without hardship is victory unworthy of the football loving fans and players of the Houston Texans.
When the Texans achieve yet another championship over the football world, and it will come, it will not have been easy, it will not have been cheapened by having quality coaching or all time great players on the roster. It will be through the hard work of the players, the genius and grit of our coaches, and the absolute, unquestioning loyalty of our fans!
And that brings us to the other post produced by BigFat Drunk, which is without doubt his real name. His criticism of our leader is entirely unfounded, baseless, and borders on treason against the Motherland. He claims that BOB is better at winning off the field than on it. How is this bad? Any half-mad fool can win on a football field. Even the Browns managed to accomplish this feat, somehow, last season. It’s nothing special to win football games on the field. But it takes a truly great football mind to win off the field as well as on the field. Our great leader is a master of both fields of combat, and should be respected for his unparalleled skill.
And to say that this will be a lost season next year? What of it? As they say, a single lost season is a tragedy, a decade of lost seasons, as we had under the yoke of the reactionaries Capers, Casserly, and Kubiak, is a statistic. Comrade Marshal O’Brien has provided success upon success upon success beyond the hopes and dreams of those that came before him. It is all part of the plan. After all, what is the risk of one iffy season? That we lose fans? Our mighty and indefatigable Texans are in the midst of a great football revolution, and you do not build football revolution with white gloves. Not all fans will have the stomach to stand the necessary construction that has been deemed necessary for the people by Supreme Leader O’Brien.
It is an indirect, voluntary purge of the traitorous elements within the footballburo of Mother Houston. Those that abandon the call of revolution are unfit to be called Texans fans. Those that remain, the chosen few who will happily endure the mild hardship of perceived mediocrity will be the most loyal, the best and bravest of the Motherland. It is understandable that Comrade Drunk, who is loyal to the Motherland, might be confused by the unknowable wisdom of our triumphant leader’s plan. But that is not for him to know, or for the fans of the Motherland, or for most of the Ministry of Information for that matter. The only thing for you, for any of us, to do is to keep head down, do your job, and support to your utmost, the people’s football team of Texas.
Remember, comrades, a victory for Comrade Marshal O’Brien is a victory for you!
Glory to Mother Houston!