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Oatmeal Isn’t Underrated

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It’s tasteless mush.

Wild Card Round - Houston Texans v Indianapolis Colts Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

This morning you probably ate breakfast. You had an apple or a bowl of cereal or a granola bar, and tried to eat healthy until some demonic presence summoned a dozen doughnuts to sway you with forked tongues made of carbs and fat and sugar. Or you skipped breakfast entirely and fasted because they do that in Silicon Valley or you read an article from Huckberry or something.

But more than anything I hope you didn’t tear open a package of dinosaur egg oatmeal and stick it in your coffee cup for breakfast. J.J. Watt is wrong. Oatmeal is in fact bad.

Any food you have to mix and fill with other things can’t be underrated. It’s just a vehicle for better and greater things. On its own it’s carbs and fiber and hot water. Bland. Tasteless much. You got teeth for a reason. But then to make it edible you toss in cream, and sugar, and fruit, and peanut butter, and chocolate chips, and chopped nuts, and you end up with some Cracker Barrel sundae instead of a heart healthy breakfast.

The only good thing about it is it comes in a dehydrated brown package that you can rip off, and carry easily. It’s perfect for the office or camping even, and then you end up hungry again in a hour. To stomp this out and suffocate the bawling belly you eat three packages of the stuff and had 450 calories before the day even begins.

Or it comes in a silo that will rot in your cabinet for eternity and slowly become more mouse turds than oats. When the world ends, and we are cannibalizing and scouring and scrounging around in empty houses with our flanks prickly, eyes sunken deep in our skulls like moon craters, and heart yammering in our frail sick skeleton, you know what we will find? Oatmeal. Oatmeal filled with mouse turds that we will sift through and pick out. I can’t wait to be a paleontologist one day.

On top of all that it’s a hot food. There’s nothing worse than something hot in the middle of summer. It’s like when the alcoholic Duck Phillips says it’s nice to drink something hot on a hot day as he forces his children who hate him to drink hot chocolate on an August afternoon. There’s no way this is true. He’s the absolute worst. My bad. Damn I forgot. The Texans are weak willed with their refrigerated cool down huts and indoor practice facilities. They probably actually need something to warm them up.

No oatmeal isn’t underrated. There are so many foods we can classify as underrated. Take black beans. Fiber, protein, complex carbs. Costs $4.50 for a pound. Cooks in an instapot it 35 minutes and can feed you for a week. Spinach. Vitamin A and protein and is infinitely better than lettuce. Quinoa has every amino acid and is better than rice. Nuts shouldn’t be a snack but a meal on their own. I’ll live forever because of beet juice, not because of the fangs that were sunk in me. These are all underrated foods.

But oatmeal? GTFO.

I miss Arian Foster talking about fighting wolves and hating cats. That’s the offseason content we really need.