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The Patriots Are Mad At Jack Easterby

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We’ve got more insanity to try and make sense of.

New England Patriots Practice Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

The last time we talked about the whole Houston Texans GM fiasco we were lampooning the Texans for their firing of a general manager after two seasons in charge, failing to find a suitable replacement, and almost getting hit with tampering charges before finally relenting and handing control over to to a head coach, who, of course, has done exceptionally little to deserve all this power aside from winning internal front office battles with his general managers.

However, at the center of this fiasco was a story about a very special relationship gone awry between the Texans’ executive vice president of team development Jack Easterby, and his former employers the New England Patriots. A story by Greg A.Bedard of the Boston Sports Journal charts how the relationship between the two parties bloomed, then soured, and how the Texans have been caught in the middle of it all. It’s a very insightful and interesting story that shows the relationship in a manner that has previously not been known.

HOWEVER......

This story is also the funniest and dumbest thing I’ve read since reading about the Texans GM struggles last month. This is the kind of story that craven dunces who espouse the notion of the NFL being a ‘‘24/7 365 league’’ and ‘‘Respecting the shield’’ would foam at the mouth like rabbid dogs over. It’s got everything folks, betrayal, a description of a player personnel coach that could easily come from the blurb of an erotic novel and MULTIPLE instances of the family of a NFL owner being mafia esqe. This is the NFL at it’s most bloviating. It’s hilarious, so without further ado, let’s dissect this monstrosity.


THE PATRIOTS ARE MAD YA’LL

One would think after the Patriots threatened the Texans with DIRE CONSEQUENCES for their actions in attempting to tamper with Patriots front office executive Nick Caserio that the Patriots blood lust would be sated knowing they had once again got won the day and got their way. This however is not the case because in the words of two sources which Bedard quotes:

“They are livid,” said one source.

”This totally pissed them off,” said another.

Oh no! The Patriots are mad! Whatever could have cause their fiery ire to not be smouldered?

Why? It’s personal.

Ah I see.

He was part chaplain, friend, confidant, coach and scout, and he connected with a lot of employees and their families. Easterby is universally regarded as a great person who had a real impact on the entire organization.

I was lying before I actually don’t see.

“Jack has been great to me and my family,” said one source. “He’s a great person. But he’s also human...”

Uh.......where’s this going?

... A human with desires.

This is taking a bizarre turn.

And, for Easterby, that includes being a general manager or even higher within an NFL organization. And it’s that understated lust for power — and his desire to be around power — that has left many feeling Easterby is a bit of an opportunist with an agenda.

OH HE’S LUSTING FOR POWER. So the Patriots are angry at Easterby for LUSTING for something and not doing his job the Patriot way, no sir, for good Patriots do not lust.

“Jack likes power. And maybe even more than that, he likes being around power,” said a Patriots source.

I don’t want this to sound sexual, BUT seriously, when you use words like ‘‘lusting’’ and ‘‘desires’’ you invoke a certain set of imagery. The kind that might grace the front of a novel titled ‘‘Forbidden Desires 2: Desire Harder’’ . Anyway the Patriots are mad and Jack Easterby is lusting for power like it’s some long haired mascular Italian gardener.

When it comes to Easterby, this is a man who has purported himself to be a man of the cloth, and the type of person you can confide your deepest secrets and fears in — and he does do that. He’s not fraud or charlatan. But those aren’t usually the type of people who move around the NFL very often — they hook on with one coach and stick with him. If they depart, it’s usually for a lifetime college job or into the business world for bigger dollars.

A man of the cloth you say? The plot moistens. For a start Jack Easterby is not a member, nor has he ever been a member of any religious clergy, which is what a ‘‘man of the cloth’’ refers to. I’m sensing conflicting emotions here on the part of the Patriots. On one hand they apparently love that they can tell Easterby their deepest secrets and who they have a crush have but they don’t love his CARNAL LUSTING for power.

They certainly don’t hire an agent, like Easterby did with Lamonte, who is one of the best in the business at leveraging teams to the benefit of his clients. And you don’t go to a rival in the same conference who could be challenging you in the years to come. Easterby has so much intel on the inner workings, including the thought processes of the Patriots, their coaches and players, that he’s much more valuable than any coach, player or scout switching teams. That’s kind of dirty pool, especially among teams with such close ties.

He’s not a fraud but he’s sure doing some fraudey things. I think i’m beginning to see what’s got the Patriots all riled up. Easterby knows where the bodies are buried, he knows what satanic diety Bill Belichek draws his powers from, he knows what Tom Brady’s magic pajmas are REALLY made out of and knows Rob Gronkowski’s perfect technique for the raddest keg stand you’ve ever seen. The man has STATE SECRETS for crying out loud. Of course he needs to be destroyed. Quick little sidebar also, why would the Patriots ever be fearful of the Texans? The Texans are a rival to the Patriots in the same way that a mile run everyday is a threat to my health. I mean the Texans lost to Jacoby Brisett of all people.

To those who watch “Billions” on Showtime, Easterby’s departure would be like if Axe Capital performance coach/psychiatrist Wendy Rhoades left for Taylor Mason Capital.

Wait, a guy from Boston, writing about the Patriots using a pop culture reference that is going to go over the head of like 90% of people who read it...........I feel like i’ve read this before.

sources have not ruled out that this entire Caserio scheme was put in motion by Easterby/Lamonte — and that Bill O’Brien, Caserio and the Krafts were unknowing pawns in Easterby’s power play. Easterby knows all of the particulars involved intimately. He could have coaxed O’Brien and owner Cal McNair to make a play for Caserio, despite knowing Caserio’s contract status.

Oh! the intrigue. The real puppet master reveals himself. We are all pawns on the chessboard of Jack Easterby.

Easterby would have known that making a play for Caserio around the ring ceremony — a holy day on the Kraft Family calendar — would anger them to no end and possibly lead to warfare against the Texans.

And on the 7th day the Kraft family threw a decadent celebration to flaunt over some jewelry.

The fallout would be the Patriots drawing a hard line and holding Caserio to his contract, and O’Brien balking at sending a draft pick in compensation for Caserio when he would be a free agent in less than a year. That would leave a power void in Houston for Easterby himself to step into once he ingratiates himself in the organization. ... We’re only a few steps away from Easterby sidling up to McNair and being in a position to take over Texans’ entire football operations if O’Brien is fired after this season.)

Robert Ludlum would be proud if he wasn’t too busy writing exposition in his grave. This is some machiavellian scheming. Using Caserio and O’Brien as the patsies to his grand scheme whilst he offered counsel to Overlord Cal McNair in hopes of eventually being seen as worthy to wield the almighty power of General Manager.

Adding another layer to this was Easterby’s shot at Robert and Jonathan Kraft on his way out the door. Not only did Easterby retweet Benjamin Watson’s missive on sex trafficking in the wake of Kraft soliciting charge, but Easterby’s displeasure with it was leaked to the media as part of the reason for his departure.

Additionally, sources believe Easterby let it be known in the building he was unhappy with Kraft’s legal entanglement. When you’re tasked as the moral compass of an organization and the most powerful person in that organization is in the news for that sort of situation, it’s not exactly great on a résumé. And may have, in fact, let it be known directly to the Krafts, which would have set them off as well.

An ancient grudge not yet settled. Easterby compelled by moral reasoning denounces the Kraft Overlords.

The Krafts can tolerate a lot of things, but if you leave for a competitor with state secrets, take issue with some of their personal actions ... don’t disrespect their family home by trying to poach someone else on your way out the door.

Oh no, the Krafts think they are the Corleone’s. They think they are legitimate businessmen who work in waste management. They’re dumping bodies into rivers that have been tied down with dozens of Kraft dinners. Martin Scorcesse is already attempting to get the license to this story so he can cast Mark and Donnie Wahlberg as Bill Belichek and Tom Brady.

So, yes, the Patriots are very “pissed at Easterby,” according to sources. But that resentment is believed to mostly reside with the Krafts — and we know how intense Jonathan Kraft can burn if he feels his family has been wronged

*Cut to shot of Jonathan Kraft dumping bodies into molten vats of Mac’N’Cheese*

Does Belichick hold the same hard feelings? Some sources say yes, some say no.

On one hand Belichick cares not for the machinations of mere mortals, he has souls to collect for Beelzebub. On the other, the thought of all of those precious wishbone plays he’s be carefully crafting over these years falling into the hands of others may knot his knickers.

All of this is absolutely absurd. There should be some part of me that cares about the potential front office turmoil that may or may not be brewing in the Texans’ front office right now, but it’s honestly so stupid and crazy that I can’t stop laughing at Jonathan Kraft dumping bodies while muttering ‘‘Nobody disrespects the family’’ while Jack Easterby is monolouging in a mirror his evil plans like he’s on House of Cards.

This is hilarious to me, because either Easterby is manipulating everyone to get the general manager spot, which we have no idea if he would succeed in, or he’s a idiot for trying to hire Nick Caserio, whose contract wouldn’t allow him to have contract talks with the Texans. I no longer care about any of this. The off-season has been terrible and stupid and all I want to do is laugh at the Patriots being petty and angry.