Rise now for People’s Anthem of the Houston Texans:
Comrades! It is pleasure of the entirely objective Ministry of Information to announce that our glorious Texans, the only team in league capable of inspiring such feeling in its fans as to draw tens of thousands to cities far and wide to watch them play, were victorious through over 59 minutes of their game against the hated, and sadistic New Orleans Saints. It was hard-fought game played to perfection by the People’s Football Team of Texas at the expense of the extremely overrated opposing team.
That said, this was not game which did not have costs. It was near thing that Texans gained lead, if it weren’t for certain untrustworthy elements within the camp, the lead would not have been a certainty. This is why, shortly after the game ended, Comrade Marshal O’Brien, leader of the Texans Presidium, carried out a surgical purge of these detestable elements.
First was former Texans corner, and current enemy of the people Aaron Colvin. His inability to contain what was alleged to be a potent offense, yet proved to be anything but, is inexcusable and an abject failure of putting the team first above all else, even one’s own safety. He has also purged writer for the Texans Aaron Wilson. Why? It is not your place to ask why. The Ministry knows what he did, Wilson knows what he did, and Great Leader O’Brien knows what he did. That O’Brien took these steps, this purge of the Aarons, should be sufficient for you.
While purges are necessary, let us also look at the great news that came out of Monday’s well-deserved game. Despite the loss of Lamar Miller to a tragic tractor factory accident that left many dead and some worse off than that, our Texans persevere! The discovery of Carlos Hyde as a starting running back for the football-loving fans and players of the Houston Texans can only be called a triumph and a testament to the talent-evaluation skills of Texans leadership.
The turnaround from scrap heap running back to shooting star, upon which the hopes and dreams of all Texans fans will glide through night sky, can only be attributed to the adherence by Hyde to Comrade Marshal O’Brien and his Ju-chin principles. It should be remembered by all that to accept Ju-chin into your mind and into your heart is to achieve the utmost potential of all those loyal to Mother Houston.
Let us now turn to the upcoming subject of the righteous wrath of the people of Houston: The Jaguars of No Nation. Or at least it seems like they have no home. We, at the Ministry of Information, despite our best efforts, have been unable to verify if such a place as Jacksonville even exists outside the fevered minds of diasporic Jaguars fans. Do the Jaguars even exist as an independent entity? It is doubtful, but we must be ever-prepared for the unlikely possibility of their actual existence.
This blatant gaslighting by this alleged team makes it difficult to ascertain any news that isn’t obvious lies and trickery created by so-called reputable news sources. If the Ministry of Information can’t prove it, then it’s an unproveable fact. One of these is the existence of once-reputable quarterback Nick Foles. According to the team, or possible ancient folklore told around campfires long ago which have since passed into legend, it could go either way, Foles was supposed to be the starting quarterback for this team. And now, when they face our beloved Texans, the strength of the people of Houston, they claim he is “injured” with something called a “clavicle” “injury.” We, at the Ministry, are doubtful. Not only do we doubt the veracity of this injury, we also doubt whether Nick Foles ever agreed to be a quarterback for this team.
After all, have you ever seen him in a Jaguars uniform with your own eyes? Do not trust the lies of television and the internet, the truth does not live in either of those places. It just rings hollow that Foles would be their quarterback, it goes against their history and their preferences. Consider the list of quarterbacks that the Jaguars have chosen to start: Byron Leftwich, David Garrard, Quinn Gray, Todd Bouman, Trent Edwards, Luke McCown, Blaine Gabbert, Chad Henne, Blake Bortles, and Cody Kessler. The Jaguars, if they exist, apparently prefer to start garbage quarterbacks, for reasons that none of us here at the Ministry can explain. Claiming Foles is your quarterback and then claiming a mysterious injury will keep him out of your game against a vastly superior, and better-smelling, opponent is deeply suspicious.
Instead of the phantom menace Foles, the Jaguars will start someone called Gardner Minshew, a player of ill repute who is much more in keeping with Jaguars tradition. Minshew holds the dubious honor of somehow both being a journeyman and rookie quarterback. After his mercenary travels took him through five colleges over the course of 11 years, he now stands as leader of the mythological Jaguars. Most of his legend can be traced to his mustache, but some of it also comes on heels of an unspectacular game against the Chiefs where he didn’t completely soil himself.
Of course this comes against the hapless Chiefs, who are not expected to achieve much this season and still dropped 40 points on the Jaguars. Against a legitimate and impregnable defense like the Texans, it would not be a complete surprise, comrades, if the Jaguars wound up with negative points at the end of the game.
Minshew will be accompanied in backfield by Leonard Fournette, who may or may not be playing in first game of his career. While it is of little concern to robust, and some might say virile, Texans defense whether Fournette plays, it is believed that Fournette felt urgent need to get onto football field. Why? I’ll tell you, comrades, because he feared for job. Joining him in the running back corps this year is traitor to the Motherland and most colorful running back in league, Alfred Blue. Because Fournette knows that Alfred Blue is example of running excellence and Jaguars should kiss feet of Comrade Marshal O’Brien for allowing them to sign him, he knows job is in jeopardy from the obviously better player on field. It is disheartening, to say the least, that Fournette wouldn’t bother to play if not for competition from Blue, and very reassuring to know that Texans do not suffer from such cloying ego problems as this.
And then there’s the defense of this possibly fictional team. A more reckless and undisciplined lot of players may not exist in all of football; and for that matter, may not even exist on this team that might not exist. Is all very confusing.
Just take a look at their linebackers, who, when confronted with player standing in general vicinity of himself, took a piece of rebar and smashed it over head of receiver Sammy Watkins, causing him to be rightfully ejected from game and costing much needed points for opponent of the Minister of Information’s fantasy football team (the Minister insists only on selecting proud, upstanding Texans players for his team).
Even the Jaguars defensive coordinator took ownership his defense’s indefensible behavior; going so far as to use similar words and phrases as our Dear Leader. “I must take ownership,” said nameless defensive coordinator (his name is irrelevant to you). The difference between when our glorious leader, who offers strength and victory to the people of Houston, takes ownership of the team, he is genuine and does not repeat himself. This defensive coordinator very clearly does not mean what he says since he is only parroting a coach who is his superior in every possible respect.
That said, it would be wise of Myles Jack to not try anything like he did in last week’s game. DeAndre Hopkins, people’s hero of receptions and grabber of things, will not take kindly to such behavior in his presence.
This game will be yet another glorious triumph for the Houston Texans, we have nothing to fear from an imaginary team, and even if they were real, the people’s might would be more than a match for a mustache for a quarterback and a defense of questionable character. We will smash the enemy and bring victory to the people of the Motherland, the most loyal, patriotic fans in football, in all of professional sports!
TO THE INEVITABLE TRIUMPH OF THE TEXANS, WE MARCH ON!
GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!