clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Hair of the Dog: Texans-Jaguars

New, comments

The BRB gang gets together to discuss whatever the hell it was we saw on Sunday against the Jaguars.

Jacksonville Jaguars v Houston Texans Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

I apologize for not being here last week to do this. My wife and I were actually in New Orleans to watch the MNF game in person. Incidentally if you ever get a chance to go to a Saints game, I highly recommend going. The atmosphere is definitely worth taking in; that said, I enjoyed the game, save for the last 37 seconds of the fourth quarter.

Remember last week? When the Texans put up 28 points and looked like a fully functioning offense? Do you remember that all of six days ago? Now think back to Sunday’s game, the rancid pile of...something or other we saw on offense where we didn’t score a touchdown until really late in the fourth quarter. Against the Jacksonville Jaguars, against a depleted defense, with a fully healthy Texans offense. I mean an ugly win is still a win no matter how you look at it, but come on. This...this was a poopfight.

But enough of me rambling. Read the rest of us ramble too.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word “kitten” to make it safe to read at work. Because we like you.

Furthermore I contend that Bill O’Brien should be fired immediately for cause.

Enjoy!

Pre-Game Stuff:

Luke

Nothing says a 1pm NFL game quite like a AFC South game where one team get’s blown out.

Weston

I’m ready to party

Luke

It’s a fully healthy Texans team also, when the last time that happened?

UT

Honestly I’m having a hard time remembering.

Weston

ssshhhhhh let’s not wake up Will Fuller’s ACL

UT

Apparently Gardner Minshew is stretching in the locker room wearing nothing but a jock strap. Absolute king.

Weston

I bet J.J. Watt is furious

Luke

What is it about QB’s with staches that get’s all of the football media hot and bothered?

UT

I don’t know if it’s the stache so much as the correlation that most stached quarterbacks also happen to be the most country-fried, and therefore interesting, quarterbacks out there.

Luke

Coutee Introduced with the Starters.

Also, for those interested, the beer for today match is Dry & Bitter’s Guavalanche Sour.

UT

That’s a [kitten] of a name.

Luke

It’s a [kitten] of a beer

I completely forgot Doug Marrone was still the Jags coach

UT

So say we all.

Vega

Never been a big fan of sour beers.

UT

TV: Bill O’Brien in his sixth year as head coach of the Texans

Me: WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!

First Quarter:

Luke

I only really got into them this year but I adore all variations of the style, Kettle Sours, Gueze/Gose and Berliner Weisse. They are all so cool to me.

Weston

[Kitten] I wish I was slamming beers with the windows down and my shirt off, instead, I have a cold brew headache and dream big work hard and push some weights around today

UT

Guavalanche is the Gardner Minshew life and cold brew is Watt life. These are the only two ways to live.

Hot [kitten] Cunningham with the vicious sack.

Luke

Heavens a 6 man blitz

Weston

You know you’ve been a little too much cold brew lately and should be a little more Guavalanche

Luke

Also Matty, I’ve just been burning through all of the beers that will go past their expiration date while i’m in the states.

Weston

When you are in the states you got to cut your sleeves off your shirt, get a tattoo of an armadillo with a cowboy hat on, and drink nothing but Lonestar or Lonestar Lite.

Luke

That’s pretty much what I’m going to do in Texas in the entire time

UT

Carlos Hyde doing some work there

Vega

Henderson benched

UT

There is a [Durga].

Luke

Still good to see the Texans running pre snap motion on stuff

BF-mf-D

I can haz Jalen Ramsey?

UT

And a three and out. [Kitten]it

Luke

It’s 4th and 1

PLEASE GO FOR IT

PLEASE

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

UT

Clowney just deflected a pass.

I’m sad now.

Luke

If there’s any consolation it’s that Titans stadium is literally on fire: https://twitter.com/BuckReising/status/1173280017784160256

UT

LOL that’s fantastic.

Weston

J.J. Watt: 0 tackles, 0 quarterback hits, 0 sacks. Jadeveon Clowney: 1 sack, 1 TFL, 1 QB Hit, 2 PD

BFD

Jacob Martin with another pressure.

Luke

oh boy Chark was open

Weston

[Kitten] Chark looks so much faster than he did last year. Every Lonnie Johnson target is going to be a hot dog hear attack.

Luke

I’d be going back to that having the safeties bracket the WR’s in those two WR sets and just have Gipson sit on top of Johnson’s man the entire afternoon.

BFD

Early reports are that a meth lab exploded in Nashville.

UT

Another flag on Texans special teams. Is Joe Marciano on the sidelines again?

Weston

It’s incredible how much faster, and more explosive Hyde has been in HOuston

BFD

I don’t recognize Hyde. At all. Looks like a different player.

UT

He’s doing some Arian Foster-type stuff out there; it would be nice if a player came here and got better instead of the usual leaving town and improving.

Luke

Just don’t give him a 3 year contract just yet.

Weston

why? He’s been awful the last two seasons, and it’s like year seven for him.

Capt Ron

Late bloomer

Weston

His first two-three seasons were pretty good, he disappeared the last two, and has looked immediately better this season.

Capt Ron

Maybe coaching and/or scheme

Weston

I used to climb Will Fuller’s hair in gym class

Hopkins with drop #4

Luke

I just want them to look at those single high sets that Jacksonville is giving them and let Fuller run deep.

UT

These short routes are really working this Jags secondary.

Capt Ron

Ramsey is losing his [kitten] out there. Lot of frustration and after-play shenanigans

UT

He better be careful or Nuk is gonna piledrive him into oblivion.

Weston

Yeah, you have to be able to throw teams deep out of single high sets.

Nick Martin is so bad that he gave up a pressure to Taven Bryan

Capt Ron

Nick Martin’s whiff = hit on Watson. Nice contract extension there, Bill.

(Texans kick a sad field goal, take the lead 3-0.)

UT

GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

BFD

I’ve gotten to the point that I hate field goals.

Weston

I’m furious everytime an edge rusher drops into coverage. Give me every Josh Allen v. Roderick Johnson pass rush we can get.

UT

Texans kick a field goal and a commercial for a poop-checking service appears. Coincidence?

Luke

I’m just allergic to cowardice [BFD].

Weston

what would doug pederson do?

BFD

Weird seeing Tyler Scissorhands out there. Or on an NFL team, period.

UT

Special teams on both side have been all ass. #bothsides

Luke

Ramsey is angry.

Capt Ron

O’Brien is filling his Cologuard box on the sidelines. We’re in for one of his classic one-possession divisional games for sure.

UT

Oh I so badly want an Andre Johnson/Cortland Finnegan [kitten] kicking between Nuk and Ramsay. Give it to me!

So not only do you let Minshew run 20 yards on you, you also give up a penalty too. Grape job, y’all.

Luke

Watt rushing from the interior

Capt Ron

Racking up the penalties today. Here’s the slow-starting O-Brien team we all know so well.

BFD

Norwell got trucked by Scarlett and I cannot believe I typed that.

Second Quarter:

Capt Ron

“Frankly, my dear...”

Luke

Omenihu with the sack

UT

Should’ve been a fumble recovery too.

Weston

How the [kitten] do you give up a sack to scarlett

Luke

David Quessenberry just caught a TD for the TItans.

UT

Lulz.

Weston

TITAN UP

[Durga] i love that Matt LaFleur is a worse OC then Mike Mularkey

UT

Welcome to the game, Will Fuller, and at last they threw a pass for more than 10 yards.

Luke

Single high shot also

UT

This offensive line is going to get Deshaun Watson killed.

11 dropbacks, one sack, five hurries, four knockdowns. Sounds kind of bad.

Capt Ron

Is that the first special teams play without a penalty? Small victories!

UT

I think there was one before, but still, yeah the special teams have sucked.

Luke

Also Matty, the LeFleur Packers are 21-7 up against the Vikings right now.

Weston

That’s because Kirk Cousins is a coward

Luke

I think the Jags need to stop trying to run the football

Capt Ron

Let’s cut to the camera at the empty skatepark to view the only three Houstonians outside of an air conditioned space? What? No BBQ joint on the list?

UT

8 yards on 5 rushes for Fournette.

Mad dogs and skateboarders.

They’re getting the ball back. [Kittenkitten]it special teams.

BFD

That should have been a 15 yarder.

Capt Ron

Roughing the punter by one of the guys we got instead of Clowney.

UT

They...declined the penalty?

Weston

Minshew is a Kirk Cousins checkdown coward.

BFD

I watched some Minshew last night, and there’s a reason why he was a 6th round pick. He’s not willing to stretch the field at all. It makes him a great pick for JAX, but he is, indeed, a Kirk Cousins checkdown coward.

Capt Ron

Ghost of Marciano > O’Brien.

We need a ruling from #ThePanel on firing the special teams coordinator during half time. A blind goldfish in a garbage disposal could prepare these players better.

UT

Which is kind of ironic given that Minshew was a Mike Leach-coached air raid quarterback.

Luke

Don’t worry Weston, ol Kubes and Dalvin Cook are bailing out Cousins.

UT

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! FANTASY POINTS Y’ALL!!!!

Weston

He did last week though BFD

UT

Fuller should’ve had that ball. There is no reason he shouldn’t have caught that ball.

Luke

NO

UT

[Kitten] you offensive line.

BFD

Slot corner blitz. Right out of Indy’s playbook last year.

Agreed, Matt, I think it was an outlier more than anything. Plus, the Chiefs’ D is trash.

Weston

I mean they just brought more than HOU could on that one. You are right about the IND comparison.

UT

Justin Reid is hurt.

BFD

Kitten. He’s a really important piece.

Capt Ron

Reid’s shoulder injury flaring up

UT

Concussion maybe?

Luke

He’s walking off now

I’m surprised to not see Fournette lower his shoulder at the end of that last run.

Capt Ron

Queue up the Miami trade engine for Minkah Fitz

UT

I didn’t want to watch the draft this year anyway.

Weston

idk what to think about KC’S Pass D yet, but yeah, this game is different than how he played last week.

Luke

I think DeFip was expecting a lot more short stuff due to RAC’s favouring of off coverage alignment.

UT

Good lord two ineligible receiver penalties?

I hate this secondary. I hate it so much.

Capt Ron

Well, UT, the lack of any pass rush has those poor linemen from Jacksonville unsure what to do with all that idle time, so they tend to wander like cattle

Luke

Oh come on.

Capt Ron

Two strip sacks and no turnovers to show for it

(Jags kick a field goal, game tied 3-3)

Luke

Cunningham swam over the OL instead of stacking and forcing Fournette outside.

Weston

[Durga] I hate Minshew

He’s the QB version of Tyrann Mathieu

Luke

Nah he doesn’t have the twitter feed to match Badger

It’s just the moustache

UT

About time they got Hyde back involved.

...did I just say that?

Luke

I think Cullen Gillespia just cracked someone

BFD

Why, in the name of Durga, does this team throw screens?

UT

I’m going to pretend this didn’t happen, BOB, but I want you to think long and hard about it.

Capt Ron

OB’s screens like how old people...never mind.

Weston

JAX can only create pressure when they blitz. Campbell can’t get anything v. Tunsil.

Capt Ron

Yet Jags already have 3 sacks on Watson. He’s on pace for 6 again in this game

UT

Tunsil with the false start. As if we needed anybody else helping the Jags out.

Luke

Oh boy, we’re going to go into the half 3-3 aren’t we?

UT

Don’t be silly.

It’ll be 6-3

Vega

why are we running the clock?

UT

Because we have a deeply stupid head coach calling the shots?

Still have three timeouts, gang.

Vega

There’s no interest in a TD here, is there

Luke

UHHHHHHHH CLOCK BURNING#

Capt Ron

How can the same person be: an aggressive GM, a disciplinarian head coach, and such a boring and stubborn OC?!!

Weston

Where’s the TO!!!

UT

First and goal at the four. This field goal should be a no-doubter.

Luke

THE FIELD GOAL IS ASSURED

BFD

They played for the field goal, FKS.

(Texans kick a chip shot field goal, lead 6-3.)

UT

GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!!!

Vega

Man, if only there was a little urgency early on, we could have had a few more chances at a TD

Luke

2 seconds

UT

I am a prophet.

BFD

Just unbelievable.

Luke

[Kitten] you for calling that, [UT].

Vega

That was infuriating.

BFD

Well, I say that, but that’s BOB.

Halftime Reactions:

Weston

Minshew is a check down coward.

Vega

The end of that first half is a microcosm of the entire O’Brien era - completely oblivious of the situation and opportunity.

Capt Ron

O’Brien leaps at field goal opportunities like a dehydrated hiker in the desert does to pre-staged water jugs.

UT

It’s a known fact that the Texans under the BOB era play two halves in a game, one good one and one bad one. This is an immutable fact of nature so my question is this: was that the good half we just saw or the bad half?

Luke

Watching this offense can sometimes make me feel like i’ve been eating McDonalds. Sure it’s sustenance but it just leaves me empty and wanting something more.

Capt Ron

KC rolled the [kitten] out of the Jags last week. The Texans can’t dominate a single series.

BFD

Defense carrying BOB again.

UT

Also, how long do we wait before we have the conversation asking what the [kitten] is going on with J.J. Watt?

Weston

Yeah it feels like HOU should have 17. Also, this is kind of the Jags’ JV defense.

Luke

I mean if that deep Fuller shot get’s caught things could be slightly different.

BFD

Same with the pass to Fournette, though.

Luke

Eh Fournette wasn’t that open.

Vega

I don’t rewatch games anymore so I’ll defer to the guys who watch film, but it “feels” to me like teams are scheming against Watt, betting that the rest of the D won’t do as much damage.

Luke

He has space but he had defenders nearby and was well shorter than Fuller was.

Third Quarter:

Weston

Even 1 v 1, Watt hasn’t done much.

Luke

I’d want to see how much they are moving him around.

If he’s staying camped at LE then teams can work against that but if he’s moving it’s harder to coordinate.

(Back to back bad snaps lead to Texans fumbles, both recovered by the Texans.)

UT

WHAT THE [KITTEN] IS GOING ON?!

Capt Ron

What a [kitten] show

BFD

EXTEND MARTIN FOR 3 MORE YEARS LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Vega

I don’t recall a game with more down and 15+ yards to go

BFD

Deshaun Watson not looking right.

Capt Ron

Neither of these teams wants to win today. Both are playing like they were drinking all night

Weston

LOL

The fumble luck is even now

Capt Ron

My wife and two daughters are huge Texans fans, and are usually hooting and hollering through every game. I’m dead serious, all three are asleep on couches in front of the game right now. Incredible job, O’Brien.

UT

Watt almost got a hand on him that time.

BFD

Easily the best series of Watt’s season.

UT

It’s funny because while the Seahawks/Steelers game was at halftime Strahan was asking if there should be a conversation about which Watt is the best football player in the family. I think J.J. heard that.

Kenneth L.

We look like a two week old [kitten]

Weston

You gotta love AFCS football

UT

There’s your barbecue rejoin, Ron.

Vega

No you don’t, Matt. You really dont’

UT

How can you love AFCS football yet hate Gardner Minshew? He’s like the embodiment of the AFC South.

Weston

I want Paul Kuharskey’s old job.

BFD

Deshaun Watson is getting killed.

UT

Deshaun Watson is going to die and it will be all BOB’s fault.

BFD

Either Hyde or Watson doesn’t know the handoff playbook. I’m going with the former.

Kenneth L.

Watson is trying to get injured

Weston

2nd and 10 run

Capt Ron

Maybe get those starters here in April-May next time instead of August-September?!!

UT

This game is a poopfight.

Kenneth L.

I’m illegally streaming this game

And it’s going pretty well

UT

You’re getting your money’s worth, that’s for sure.

Weston

I’m paying Hulu $35 a month to watch the Texans play because, yes, I’m an idiot.

Luke

I can’t wait to go back to playing Sid Meier’s Civilization

HULU?

WHAT?

YOU HAVE GAMEPASS

BFD

I get over the air via HDTV antenna.

UT

I’m watching at a BWW, and I could be playing Spider-Man instead.

Capt Ron

NRG looks empty today

Above the lower level anyway

Weston

You can’t stream LIVE on gamepass. [Kitten] I need to get an antenna.

Capt Ron

Gonna need a lot more of those ColoGuard boxes delivered to NRG.

UT

Any word on Justin Reid or has he been out on the field and I just haven’t noticed?

Capt Ron

He’s out there

BFD

Logan Cooke Shooter McGavin’d.

TexanRevJ

I’m searching for positive things to say about the team today but it’s a struggle

Luke

Oh big oof

BFD

Capt Ron

The value proposition of selling Michelob Ultra is “nobody’s keeping score?”

Perfect fit to advertise during this game

Vega

Is BOB trying to run out the clock late in the 3rd quarter of a 6-3 game?

UT

Honestly, I’d rather have the alpacas with the wild hairdos in this game, if I had my choice.

We’re leading Vega, of course he’s trying to drain the clock.

Kenneth L.

I’d rather lick a candle

Weston

Quincy Williams. Football player.

UT

That, gentlemen, was the lost quarter.

Vega

$10 says BOB runs into the locker room thinking the game’s over

BFD

You have Deshaun Watson, Will Fuller, DeAndre Hopkins, Kenny Stills, and Keke Coutee....and you keep handing the ball to Hyde. JKK.

Capt Ron

I fully expect to see O’Brien off-roading in a Ferrari in Big Bend in January.

BFD

*never leaving first gear.

Vega

Well it’s not like he’d have a football game to coach at that time of year

UT

Bang.

LOL

Fourth Quarter:

Capt Ron

3rd and 14. Here comes the draw.

UT

Dumpoff to Akins, which amounts to pretty much the same thing.

Kenneth L.

That was on Tytus Howard.

BFD

Imma say it again: Watson does not look right physically.

Vega

I am so glad we got a new offensive coordinator.

UT

From the people who brought you Ryan Griffin and C.J. Fiedorowicz.

Vega

The most exciting play we’ve seen in this game has been punt coverage in the 4th quarter.

Capt Ron

O’Brien has twice as many points as his opponent. In his world, he’s killing them and needs to burn the clock and get a shower.

Luke

BOB has had 3 consecutive season of 360 rushing attempts.

UT

There was a deep bomb to Stills for a first down that was quite thrilling. But that’s pretty much it.

Luke

He’s too inclined to running the ball that create stuff for Watson.

Capt Ron

This week’s game summary article needs a picture of an asymmetrical scoop of mash potatoes. Or a poop emoji.

UT

Porque no los dos?

Luke

No one should want to talk about this game

BFD

Wow, with all the real holds on Watt, that was a nothingburger.

UT

Kirk Cousins with a 45 yard bomb for a TD.

TexanRevJ

what a move by 59.

UT

The defense did a thing.

The defense did a thing!

THE DEFENSE DID THE THING!!!

Vega

O’Brien’s already calling for the victory formation.

BFD

[Kitten]acious move by Mercilus.

UT

That was a beautiful spin move.

Capt Ron

I’ve seen more exciting practices. By drunk people. At a beach. In Nebraska.

UT

This field goal will be soooooooo easy.

TexanRevJ

That was almost Khalil Mack-ish.

Weston

Watt is the best of all-time at recovering fumbles.

UT

Fourth and goal at the one. If this results in a field goal BOB should be fired on the spot.

Weston

That was a weak hold btw.

BFD

Oh boy, what is BOB going to do?

Oh [kitten].

Capt Ron

Tunsil is down? Of course. This is HOUSTON!

UT

Oh [kitten] me, Tunsil is hurt.

TexanRevJ

High ankle sprain?

Weston

Campbell finally made a tackle after spending the game in the backfield.

(Deshaun Watson runs into the end zone for the touchdown. Texans lead 13-3.)

BFD

Deshaun Watson is a wizard.

Weston

DEAR [DURGA] IS THAT SEANTREL HENDERSON’S MUSIC?

TexanRevJ

Henderson did his best to stop Watson from scoring there.

Capt Ron

Watson hates field goals!

UT

::Rubs eyes to make sure I’m not seeing things::

BFD

Both Williams and Jack went to cover Johnson, leaving the middle of the field open. Man, huge mental mistakes there.

Weston

Good point BFD.

BFD

It took the Texans 49 minutes to score a TD today, and it took a turnover deep in Jags territory to do it. My goodness.

Capt Ron

Meanwhile in Miami...

Vega

Doug Marrone is looking across the field at BOB with disdain at the aggressive playcalling

UT

Marrone: I thought we had a deal, William!

BFD

JJo’s PFF score isn’t going to be any good this week.

TexanRevJ

Our secondary once again doing their best to give the game away

BFD

I don’t see OPI on that play.

Vega

Neither do I.

UT

Neither does Marrone, apparently.

Vega

Not sure what it takes to overturn the call on the field with PI, though.

BFD

On the back angle, though, you can see some extension. Pretty ticky tack, but the PI will stand.

Kenneth L.

If this gets overturned we r going to hear about it a lot.

Capt Ron

NFL coaches should wear the uniform like MLB managers do. It would be particularly hilarious today between Marrone and O’Brien on the sidelines.

Vega

Agree BFD. I think it’s going to have to be pretty blatant to overturn challenged PI calls one way or another.

Weston

The Jags ran the Texans offensive game plan today. Do barely anything, and then open the offense up once you fall behind.

UT

Reminds me of an old George Carlin joke: picture Woody Hayes wearing a uniform the way Walter Alston wore his team’s uniform.

I don’t know why Marrone bothered challenging the PI call, it’s not like they wouldn’t get the yards back for a first down anyway.

Luke

Oh [Durga] please don’t let this be a close game

BFD

Too late, Luke.

Capt Ron

Did Johnson just wave a fire hose after that play?

Vega

I feel like this game is going to end with a safety in overtime

BFD

13-6 is the perfect score for a BOB game.

Capt Ron

Astros players checking the Texans score and wondering how much time is left in the first quarter.

Weston

I think that was his [kitten] Ron. Idk what I’m going to tell my children.

Capt Ron

Johnson and Johnson?

Luke

Here comes 4 minutes of interior runs

Weston

hahahaha

UT

I’m really getting worried about Deshaun, y’all.

Capt Ron

His back may still be bruised from last week

BFD

Slot blitz on the 3rd & 9 (Howard trip).

Capt Ron

All those folks who bought tickets (game and airfare) for the rematch of this game in London...yikes!

BFD

This playcalling is trash.

Luke

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

End IT

Weston

Holy [kitten] Tytus just did the Gosder Cherilus

Luke

JUST END IT.

UT

If you listen closely, you can hear the monkey’s paw Luke has close into a fist.

Vega

Doug Marrone is now running out the clock.

Weston

explain the monkey paw to me.

UT

It’s like a magic lamp where you get three wishes but every wish has a catch, usually deadly. So like, if you wished for a million bucks on the monkey’s paw, you’ll get the million dollars, but it’ll be like from a bank heist and the police will come and arrest you or something like that.

Basically it’s a story of “be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.”

Vega

I think the officials gave them the first down just to run off more time

Weston

[Kitten], I love that.

Luke

and what i’m going to get now from that monkey paw is the game ending due to a meteor strike.

Capt Ron

ColoGuard commercial perfectly timed again! Now THAT’s some next-level marketing right there.

Vega

Or O’Brien remains the Texans coach

UT

[Kitten]it Bill, you know you don’t challenge worth a [kitten], what are you doing?

Also, how long has this fourth quarter lasted?

Luke

too long

BFD

BOB is 14/32 on challenges now.

Luke

I can’t imagine we’ll need that TO for something later.

Vega

I actually like that challenge there

Weston

same

Luke

Why?

Vega

Little downside, big upside.

Weston

you win if it is overturned

BFD

Minshew to Chark running the same route could win the game for the Jags.

Capt Ron

RAC needs to blitz this QB

This soft coverage is terrible

UT

I’m getting a bad feeling about this drive.

Luke

Yeah but was there enough evidence to actually justify putting in the challenge? It looked like he made it.

Capt Ron

The video I saw looked like he was short and the challenge should have overturned the bad call

Vega

It was close, and you can’t take the TOs with you. It’s a roll of the dice, but with a huge payoff if you win.

Weston

I miss Jadeveon Clowney

Vega

Also, you shouldn’t be playing scared against Minshew

BFD

HAHAHAHAHA! MINSHEW!!!!

OMG, what a stupid timeout.

UT

I swear to Durga if this game is longer than it needs to be because of this [kitten]ing defense...

Vega

I’m telling you, safety in overtime

Capt Ron

Mighty Mustache Moving

BFD

Defense melting down.

Capt Ron

RAC needs to go. This is unacceptable

Weston

That should have been a hold on Watt by Cann

BFD

It looked like 13, too.

(Jaguars get an entirely too easy touchdown to trail 13-12.)

UT

Oh [kitten]ing kill me.

BFD

Go for 2, Marrone.

Capt Ron

RAC needs to announce his retirement tomorrow

Vega

Even Marrone doesn’t want this game to keep going

UT

Un-[kitten]ing-covered.

Luke

WHY WON’T YOU LET THIS GAME END?

UT

Good on Marrone for going for two, who wants to see a preseason game go to overtime?

Weston

LFGOOOOOOOO

Kenneth L.

[kitten]

Luke

Timeout?

Kenneth L.

I’d go for 2 as well

(Jags fail to convert. Texans lead 13-12.)

Kenneth L.

Whew.

Luke

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Kenneth L.

I’m about to cry.

BFD

Justin Reid saved that. WOW.

Terrible play call.

Weston

wtf.

Capt Ron

But wait! There’s more! O’Brien can still get surrender a safety to lose the game.

Weston

I’d fire Doug Marrone.

(Referees review the two point play...)

Kenneth L.

Idk guys

That looked close

Vega

No way that can be overturned.

Kenneth L.

[Kitten] me.

All tries are auto reviewed.

Dude he’s close.

(Call stands, Texans lead 13-12.)

Kenneth L.

Shoutout to Angelo Blackson for not doing anything this series.

Vega

He cashed a paycheck.

Capt Ron

I think the Jags win if this went to OT. RAC’s defense is gassed and ineffective.

UT

Okay, so the Jags kick and the Texans called timeout? Ooooookay...

Capt Ron

Icing the kicker! - O’Brien

UT

I’ve never seen anyone ice an onside kick before but sure.

JUST LET THIS GAME END ALREADY!

BFD

What another miserable Texans effort.

(Texans win 13-12.)

Post Game Reactions:

Luke

I wish I had drank more than one beer.

Capt Ron

O’Brien isn’t comfortable unless it’s a one-possession game.

Vega

This game was a [kitten]. The Texans were literally an inch away from losing to Gardner Minshew and going 0-2. Let that sink in for a minute. The non-2-minute-offense at the end of the first half was a travesty. The move to take the game out of Watson’s hands and put it into Hyde’s hands is terrible. Yeah, it’s a win, but the team that played today will get rolled by the Chargers next week.

Capt Ron

The talent on the Texans roster is capable of greatness, which was demonstrated in bursts last week. Houston needs a new OC and DC. Plain and simple.

Game Balls:

Offense - Carlos Hyde looked like a new running back out there on the field, it’ll be interesting to see if he can keep it up through the season.

Defense - Whitney Mercilus got the much-needed sack/fumble/fumble recovery, it’d be hard not to give it to him this week.

Special Teams - Glory to all field goal offense and glory to Ka’imi Fairbairn.