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Hair of the Dog: Texans-Chargers

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The BRB gang get together and discuss the Texans’ latest game in real time...well...they were in real time when they were said; they’re not in real time no—you know what, never mind.

Houston Texans v Los Angeles Chargers
“If you will not bow before your king, then YOU WILL COWER BEFORE A SORCERER!”
Photo by Meg Oliphant/Getty Images

That was fun, wasn’t it? Thrilling, nerve-wracking, in it to the end.

Okay, truth time. I didn’t get a chance to watch the game this week. I had familial obligations that happened at the exact same time as the Texans game. As a result, this week’s Hair of the Dog has a distinct lack of, well, me in it.

You’re welcome.

So let’s keep this short since I don’t entirely know what happened in the game and get to the good stuff.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced by the word “kitten” to make it safe to read at work. There is a decided lack of swearing this time because of my absence. Again, you’re welcome.

Enjoy!

First Quarter:

Weston

LFG

BFD

Whose arm falls off first? Drew Brees or Philip Rivers?

Weston

Rivers has been slinging soup for years now and knows how to play like this. I would say Brees for sure.

l[kitten]ingl

Luke

Austin Ekeler the LB heckler.

(Chargers score a touchdown, lead 7-0.)

BFD

Jonathan Joseph covering Keenan Allen is not...favorable.

Luke

There is no one on this team who can cover Keenan Allen

BFD

*Johnathan

Weston

I’d slit my throat before I tried to tackle Derrick Henry, or try to cover Keenan Allen.

Luke, you’ll have to write a film room on Joey Bosa v. Max Scharping. It’s going to be a [kitten]ing blood bath today.

Luke

It’ll be Bosa vs Howard in all likelihood.

Luke

Oh Matty, Josh Allen was marvellous today.

Weston

Hell yes. I can’t wait to watch him tonight.

Luke

In our defence it changes so much because the coaching staff still has literally no [kitten]ing clue how they want to arrange it.

BFD

Sorry, Big Matt, I just missed it this week.

Weston

I had no idea at all either. I was watching condensed games this morning and have zero clue what this OL combo is.

BFD

Why in the [kitten] does this team throw [kitten] [kitten]ing screens?

Weston

3rd and 2. The Chargers have questionable options to cover Hopkins or Fuller and of course they throw the screen.

BFD

Into my veins or something.

There is no bigger chicken[kitten] of a head coach in the NFL today than BOB.

Luke

Hot Take: Punters and Kickers should be erased from the NFL.

BFD

Double ILB blitz? I’m hip, RAC.

Capt Ron

I’m helping with a wine harvest today. Thanks for the updates in here so I can keep up.

Luke

[Kitten]in Ay I’d rather be doing that.

What grapes are you harvesting Ron?

Also Matty, Daniel Jones has some big ole Josh Allen energy.

Weston

I was fine with that punt. lol i didn’t realize no one had any idea of what was going on with the OL. O’Brien is playing a RTS today fellas.

I really didn’t want to hear that Luke. I was going to embargo the NYG and only watch Saquon highlights.

BFD

I saw a bit of the Chiefs’ game today, and I can assure you the Tyrann Mathieu still sucks.

Luke

You can’t do it. Jones runs like he doesn’t know that he’s legally allowed to throw the ball.

Capt Ron

Some high-elevation Cabernet Sauvignon that ripened a couple of weeks earlier than usual. Winemaker asked for help!!

I’m helping with the hopper (de-stemming machine)

Weston

ooooo TEN THINGS I LIKE: 1.) Tyrann Mathiue still sucks 2.) Daniel Jones Big Josh Allen Energy

Luke

Joseph 5 yards off on that screen.

Second Quarter:

Luke

Is their a weirder jet sweep candidate in the league than Keenan Allen? I mean the dudes is crafty, but not fast enough to beat a man to the edge.

TexanRevJ

Reid down for an already poor secondary....not good

BFD

Roby will miss another tackle to celebrate.

DJ Reader with a sack? Cool!

Luke

That Reader sack was hilarious

Rivers literally turtled 2 seconds before Reader got there.

Justin Jackson’s footwork is so good. There’s zero wasted movement going from cut to cut

(Chargers kick field goal, lead 10-0.)

BFD

Somewhere, BOB is immensely jealous

Luke

Theoretically, Lonnie is a perfect candidate to cover Williams because all Williams does is fight over jump balls.

BFD

Watson 7/8 for 28 yards. That is not a recipe for success.

Luke

Also, this talk of Watson holding the ball too long has got me thinking. Is it possible to get the most of a Watson led offense if he isn’t allowed to hold onto the ball and throw downfield?

BFD

Welp, BOB pulled a nice play out of his chin. Great ball by Watson.

TexanRevJ

The way to get the most out of a Watson led offense is to have a better offensive coordinator

Luke

38 yard flea flicker from Watson to Stills. Really good job by Stills to sell the play fake on the DB covering him.

Weston

Howard is holding his own against Ingram so far. Let’s play some shoot out

Diehard Chris

I’m here. And I’m still trying to figure out what Watson was doing on that fumble.

BFD

Deshaun Waton is a wizard.

Luke

Bullet from Watson to Fells for TD.

Diehard Chris

Watson again with a clean pocket

TexanRevJ

What a throw by Watson. Absolute bullet

BFD

(Wizard to Daniel Fells for a TD. Chargers lead 10-7.)

Diehard Chris

Numbers don’t show it yet but the OL is for real getting better

BFD

[LA] rushing three is not a good strategy.

Luke

Fells currently leading the Texans in targets with 5

TexanRevJ

Chargers only rushed three but OL did good job stonewalling them on that TD

Diehard Chris

Sadly rushing three has worked in the past LOL

Weston

Maybe LAC will realize they should over load the right side with Ingram and Bosa.

Luke

Or just bring more than 3.

BFD

Ekeler’s mouthpiece looks unfortunately like a pacifier.

Weston

I’m really tired of watching Watt rush on the interior with the tackle matchups available. Sure, I can Luke.

BFD

Man, great play by Roby and Watt on the botched screen.

Legit nice series by the Texans’ D.

Oof, fair catch on the 5? Yikes, DeAndre.

Diehard Chris

Is not fielding a punt inside the ten no longer an unwritten rule?

Weston

I guess so. I’ve seen guys catching that punt all season long and then the announcer gets all cranky about it.

Diehard Chris

Yeah makes me wonder if it’s something the advanced stats have dispelled

Weston

Someone hit the Rivers bat signal

Diehard Chris

Where is Coooouteeeeeee

Weston

ooooooooo Bosa v. Tunsil is a [kitten] good time

BFD

This team on offense. So much offense. Such poor playcalling. Then, the odd bad pass from Watson.

All the laundry, Dylan, all the laundry.

DJ Reader having a [kitten]uva game.

[Kitten]it, Omenihu out and it looks bad. [Kitten] [kitten] [kitten].

Weston

It was hard to tell what happened to him?

J.J. Watt Benardrick McKinney T-E Stung

BFD

Flashbacks (kinda) of the NE playoff game.

Weston

stunt**

[KITTEN] [NAME REDACTED}

BFD

Ummm, that looks like a catch to me.

It didn’t real time, but it does on the replay.

Weston

Watt looks much more explosive this game. He’s trying to win with power instead of all that edge ripping.

BFD

Yeah, he’s just running through guys this game. No subtlety.

(Cmon, Rev, join in on the “fun”!)

TexanRevJ

I’m here, I’m here....had to catch up with hulu

I think that looks like a catch but who knows anymore

Weston

I’m in love with every Lonnie Johnson v. Mike Williams route

BFD

Addae celebrating every play of this Super Bowl.

TexanRevJ

I think we might have something with Lonnie. Dude plays big

BFD

Serious pick on the Keenan Allen touchdown.

(Rivers to Keenan Allen Part Duh. Chargers lead 17-7.)

TexanRevJ

lol Keenan Allen vs. our secondary is not fair

Weston

Who cares if he plays big if he can’t stay in front of anyone in man coverage

I loved that LAC ‘pick’ because he runs at Reid without making contact and forces him to come over the top.

BFD

Deshaun Watson disapparated on that play. He’s a [kitten]ing wizard.

Weston

Some platform 9-3/4 [kitten]

Halftime Thoughts:

BFD

Watson to Kenny Stills for 37 yards, and Kaimi Fairbairn misses the 56 yard field goal. Sigh.

Weston

--Lonnie Johnson v. Mike Williams is never going to stop

--Keenan Allen is having the type of game DeAndre Hopkins needs to be having

BFD

This is an erratic game by the Texans. Defensive line has been balling; secondary has been bawling. Watson missed a couple passes he should hit, but he’s been dropping dimes, otherwise. That the Texans only have 7 points is incredibly disappointing.

Luke

I’m back, how much out of it are we?

Weston

--I’ve really loved how Crennel has created pressure, even if he’s having Watt rush on the inside.

TexanRevJ

- DLine looks good today. Watt is showing power and Reader has been creating solid pressure up the middle

Weston

--The pass protection has been good considering the talent in front of them

TexanRevJ

- Hop has been quiet. Texans need him to show up and show out in the 2nd half

- The OL isn’t being destroyed like I assumed they would be. Deshaun has had some time to let plays develop which is nice

Diehard Chris

Has Lonnie been good in any way?

He just feels very Kareem Jackson year 1-2 to me

I’m not seeing how he plays big. I see a little bit of Honey Badger’s excitability without much of a result.

Luke

Fells and Stills have a combined 10 targets, Fuller and Hopkins have a combined 5.

Diehard Chris

I’d love to see more Coutee but clearly Stills is cutting into his snaps rather significantly

Luke

Yeah I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re starting to see Stills jumping Coutee on the depth chart.

Looks like we’re back to the ‘’Waiting for Watson to do [kitten]’’ offense.

Texans force a 3 and out, meanwhile D.J Swearinger is getting roasted by Greg Olsen.

Third Quarter:

BFD

It’s that kind of “have to establish the run game” mentality that BOB doesn’t need to hear. And, on cue, Hyde goes nowhere.

Luke

Watson rifles one to Hopkins on 3rd and 14th for the first down

BFD

Watson is just killing SD when they rush three.

(Carlos Hyde up the middle for a TD. Chargers lead 17-10.)

Luke

double crossers against single high forces the safety to commit and it allowed Fuller to get isolated.

Rivers being as mobile as a mobile home is not helping if the Texans are getting interior pressure.

Weston

Yeah, Johnson has that Tyrann Mathiue feel where he talks [kitten] after a 7 yard run tackle, and then gets beat for 17 yard pass right afterwards.

STOP RUSHING WATT ON THE INTERIOR

Diehard Chris

Omenihuoooihuhih back in there

Luke

Which doesn’t MATTER BECAUSE 10 YARD CUSHION AND GIPSON’S ASLEEP

Weston

KITTEN

TexanRevJ

lol the announcers calling out Gipson for no awareness

Luke

If Joseph’s bailing that deep then the Safety’s gotta get underneath the route and into the throwing lane.

TexanRevJ

No way that’s pass interference

Weston

This is a Chargers-Texans game. It’s going to have plenty of dumb[kitten] decisions and in some absurd way.

BFD

Watt, Omenihu, and Mercilus, the only three rushers, all beat their man and get to Rivers to force a fumble. Wow. Great effort by all three there.

Luke

They’ve brought in Gillapsia for extra protection and are going back to the old faithful of just have 2 players running routes.

Weston

3 guys were open for a TD on that play

BFD

When Watson is allowed to push the ball downfield, whether limited by game plan or protection, he is a kittening wizard.

(Deshaun Watson to Jordan Akins for a TD. Texans lead 21-17.)

The offensive line, dare I say, is looking competent.

Luke

Yup, not sure why one of the DB’s in that underneath coverage didn’t get tighter to Akins

Diehard Chris

This sure feels like another “lose on the final possession” game

I’m out of optimism this weekend, heh

Weston

The only team who could out Houston Houston on the final possession is LA (C)

Fourth Quarter:

BFD

The Chargers have not learned that you never, ever run against the Texans’ D if you want to succeed.

Weston

Or pull your guars and run power and do what has worked for you all season if you are going to run it

BFD

Reid and Joseph out on back to back plays, and we have a Gaines sighting.

Luke

Oh [Durga] I hope these flags erase that INT.

BFD

I think I jinxed the oline.

Luke

He’s a [kitten]ing magician

Weston

holy [kitten]

Diehard Chris

[Kitten] you BOB ill do it myself

Weston

That’s one way to beat the blitz

Diehard Chris

#DeshaunWatkins

BFD

OMG DESHAUN WATSON IS A WIZARD TO JORDAN AKINS

(Fairbairn misses extra point. Texans lead Chargers 27-17.)

[Kitten]ing Fairbairn.

Diehard Chris

LOL Fairbairn is the worst average kicker ever

Gee I wonder if that miss will come into play later when the Texans are on defense in the final two minutes I JUST REALLY STRUGGLE TO SEE IF IT WILL MATTER OR NOT

Luke

Keenan Allen is rolling and smoking this secondary

Weston

Detective Joseph

Luke

He needs to talk to Will Fuller about how to catch the football

BFD

You can’t run the ball against the Texans.

(Chargers kick a field goal. Texans lead 27-20.)

Diehard Chris

I hate kickers

I just hate them

I need to get high or something LOL

Luke

Get the Foot people out of football.

This is my political platform

Weston

I thought for sure he was going to miss that.

So Houston 3 and out as they try and run out the clock, LAC touchdown to tie, HOU missed FG at end of regulation, LAC wins the toss and Keenan Allen scores a GW long TD in OT?

Luke

Nah, Mike Williams Hail Mary.

Weston

Thank [Durga] they are throwing it

woops, outside zone TFL

UT

Have they shat the bed yet?

Luke

TBD [UT].

Weston

I shat the bed and laid there in it

Thinking of you wide awake for days

Wide awake for days

Luke

Watson missed the underneath man on that sack

BFD

Are the Texans gonna Texan? Or are the Chargers gonna Charger? Questions I have, yo.

Watt is feeding today. [Kitten]z.

Diehard Chris

JJ MF WATT

Weston

wtf you have to punt there?

Luke

Ball game?

Weston

4th & 13 for the game? I’m completely nude and covered in cashew butter now.

Diehard Chris

Well now they have to go for it burning that TO

Luke

HOOK IT INTO MY VEINS

Weston

There’s that BIG Tyrann Mathieu energy from Lonnie Johnson JR JR

Diehard Chris

LOLOL garbage [kitten]

Luke

PUMP IT THROUGH MY AORTA.

Diehard Chris

Boy an 8 point lead would be pretty nice rn....

BFD

This has at least been an exciting game, for both good and bad reasons!

Weston

[Durga] I love these two dumb[kitten] teams. It’s like a rube goldberg invention on how to lose a football game.

Diehard Chris

Good job Kareem Johnson

Weston

Hahahaha Travis Benjamin [kitten]ing loves to drop passes. He was Will Fuller’s worst case scenario.

Luke

OH [DURGA]

Chris

DROP

It a good play by Gipson nice try announcers

Luke

Gipson did [kitten] all

That was a straight up whiff

Run Rivers Run!

Weston

Man LAC is letting their [kittens] hang on some of these calls

Luke

Balls to the wall

Diehard Chris

That’s what I meant - good try by announcers to say it was a good play by Gipson - that was a straight up ugly drop

Weston

LAC missed XP for Houston to win. I’m calling it.

Luke

I’ll die of laughter if Rivers scores a rushing TD after his immobility in the pocket killed him earlier.

Diehard Chris

What we really need right now

Is a big play by

BARKEVIOUS MINGO

BFD

I don’t know if either team could actually play OT at this point.

Weston

#BIGPLAYMINGO

Luke

They live, they die, they live again.

UT

THAT WHICH IS DEAD MAY NEVER DIE!!!

Weston

Holy [kitten] what a stupid game. I loved it so much.

BFD

Wow, Deshaun Watson with a [kitten]uva game. Goodness gracious is he ever special.

Weston

Thank [Durga] for Trent Scott who is one of the worst left tackles in the league, and [Durga] bless Rick Smith for trading up to draft Deshaun Watson.

Diehard Chris

WELL WTF

The end of half Texans defense did the [kitten] thing for once !

(Texans win 27-20.)

Since I wasn’t available for the game, I can’t really give any game balls. I’ll just go with Deshaun Watson and J.J. Watt getting game balls.

Got something you want to add about the Texans/Chargers game? That’s what the comments are for. Add your voice to the conversation!