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Houston Sports Ministry of Information Divisional Round - Kansas City Chiefs

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Come read latest missive from people’s only information source about this week’s game between glorious Houston Texans and whoever other team is. You read now.

We are at war with Kansas City. We have always been at war with Kansas City.

Rise for People’s Anthem of the Houston Texans:

Comrades! The people’s football team of Texas has scored a tremendous victory for the people and for the football revolution for which it represents! The destruction of lemming-like Freds of Buffalo was swift, decisive, and clear from very beginning that victory would be nothing but ours! It is also fantastic news as the fraudulent “patriots” of relatively young England also fell in combat to a team that absolutely has no business playing in playoffs; it is remarkable that the cannibals of children brought down the most repulsive reactionaries in football, but it should be noted that defeat of false “patriots” marks the only time in the entire existence of Traitorous franchise that they did anything approaching useful. Ever.

Going back to game against the Buffalo Freds, it should be noted that there’s been some concern by peace and football loving fans of the Motherland that our glorious leader, Comrade Marshal O’Brien, may he reign for 10,000 years as coach and general manager of team, brings confusion and chaos to the team we all love, and the only team in football that matters. This may appear true to those who are not paying attention, but to those who know the inner workings of the Supreme Leader of our team, as diligent Ministry of Information officials are, this is not something to be concerned about in the slightest.

It is a known fact that Brian Gaine, a lackey for the Freds and one-time employee for our Supreme Leader, before he realized the error of Gaine’s ways, leaves spies wherever he goes, and unfortunately his brief and unspectacular tenure with the Texans is no exception. Our great leader was aware of this from the beginning, and trusted nobody with secret plan to annihilate the Freds and sap what little morale they had. Even in first three quarters of game, it appeared to the uninitiated that the Great Leader did not have a plan for the Freds, or even for the Texans, whose greatness cannot be seen by the eyes but felt throughout time and space itself. In a candid interview the Ministry conducted with Comrade Marshal O’Brien, which can be found here [REDACTED BY MINISTRY OF INFORMATION], our visionary leader said that “if you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.”

And so he did, he hid the plan from everyone, himself included, until it was absolutely necessary, somewhere in the third quarter, and what do we have to show for it? A tremendous, hallmark victory in the playoffs.

But why settle for one win when our great Texans can have several? Which is why the people’s football team marched through the cold and night to Nebraska, to face the Chiefs of Kansas City, a town so obscure that even the middle of nowhere hasn’t heard of it. These Chiefs, on the heels of beating literally nobody to get to the divisional round, are being treated by highly biased and extremely not fair reporters who don’t know what they’re talking about, as inevitable winners of Sunday’s game, setting up matchup with Baltimore Ravens. Our Texans, the embodiment of everything we hold dear, are being treated as mere afterthoughts! But why? Why do they think so little of a team that has trounced every opponent that has come its way? What do they see in the Chiefs other than a quarterback who can’t throw in a straight line and a coach who has to be back at zoo in time for his daily meal of fish innards and squid tentacles?

Who have these Chiefs faced? They have faced nobody. Look at who they’ve beaten: they’ve beaten the Jaguars, they’ve beaten the Raiders, they’ve beaten the Bears, Lions, and “patriots.” In other words they have beaten nobody of consequence! But who have they not beaten? Whose splendid play and dominant offensive power made the Chiefs, named for a pre-feudal oppressor of an entire nation of people, look like mere children!

Do they point to Patrick Mahomes, a quarterback whose arm has been reconstituted with McNugget meat and is held together with duct tape and starlight? What has he proven to show Chiefs are superior to Texans? Do not listen to anyone who points to his MVP award, Comrade, such awards are antithetical to the egalitarian football revolution our glorious Texans promote. Besides if the MVP were a trophy of any value, J.J. Watt would have won two of them by now and Deshaun Watson would be in the running for this year! All MVP award means is that Mahomes was simply apple of corrupt media’s eye and he played them like fools they are, like Stradivarius violin. It is lazy award given by lazy people to that year’s shiniest object; such baubles are of little use to hard working, hard fighting Texans fans and players!

What chance can Mahomes have, if he could not defeat our glorious Texans before? The last time Texans embarrassed this team it didn’t even have first team secondary on the field. Now with fully armed and operational secondary, sleek and efficient ready to create havoc wherever they go on the field, they think he can withstand that? The Ministry of Information laughs in his face. His shiny, perfect face.

Or do they stand a chance because their secondary, led by the disused safety that was unfit to be a part of Texans’ championship ambitions? Do not forget, comrades, that Tyrann Mathieu, a traitor and an indifferent player, was a Texan for 20 minutes until it became clear that he could not be relied upon to do what our Great Leader required of him.

And that is to say nothing of the regular damage done to the Chiefs by Carlos Hyde last time. As you may recall, and if you are good, loyal, patriotic child of the Texans revolution you will recall that, Carlos Hyde tore up the Chiefs’ squishy defense repeatedly, forcing some of their defensive players to retire from football and take up lives of quiet dignity in the circus. Which players, you might ask. That is immaterial, the simple fact remains that it did happen. It was not trick plays, but the simple, pure, bread and butter “try and stop this” runs up the middle of the line which demolished these pretenders to the Lombardi. Nothing has changed there, except for the circus-fleeing defenders who are still hiding from their failures, what should change about the result, I ask you? Nothing!

What the Chiefs appear to be relying on are the superstitions of the past; an antiquated tradition of painting the end zones yellow. What this is supposed to accomplish is anybody’s guess. It is believed to be good luck by Chiefs and their benighted fans, according to the MOI’s highly placed sources within Chiefs organization. The only question on the minds of everyone here at the Ministry of Information is this: if two generations of children have reached adulthood since the last time the Chiefs won a Super Bowl, exactly how lucky are these yellow end zones?

It should also be noted that the football loving fans and players of the Houston Texans do not need to rely on such cheap tricks as a fortunate pigmentation of the end zone. All we require is hard work, dedication, putting the team first above all else, and be great. Let us go forth, with solidarity of purpose, solidarity of will, and solidarity of defensive line and crush the Chiefs once and for all!

TO THE INEVITABLE VICTORY OF THE TEXANS, LEAD US ON!

GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!