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Hair of the Dog (Divisional Round) - That’s All, Dogs!

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The BRB gang get together one last time this season to talk about the Texans game against the Chiefs.

T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-That’s All Folks!

Ordinarily this is the point where I make some wise (or at least half-[kitten]) remarks about the game at a point where I am calm and rational and not again demanding the head of our favorite head coach.

The thoughts I had, red-hot and ready for immediate consumption have been used to create an entire post (seriously, it was like 1,500 words when I got done with it initially) on its own and will be posted later.

So we’ll keep this short to keep the pain at a minimum and we’ll go straight to this week’s dog.

As always, in finest HOTD tradition, all swear words (and there were a lot of them) have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. But given how the game went, I’m not sure how much you’ll want to relive this. All times are in Pacific time because I’m too lazy to adjust it (just add two hours and you’ll have Central time).

Durga knows I don’t wanna.

Anyway, enjoy!

Also, I contend that Bill O’Brien should be fired immediately.

PREGAME DISCUSSION

Luke Beggs 11:32 AM

The drink for tonight’s game is White Hag’s Mint Chocolate Chip Milk Stout. It will probably not be the only drink had tonight.

The real question is whether or not someone blames DW4 at some point during this game.

bigfatdrunk 11:39 AM

Well, Luke, he IS pretty arrogant. /dog ears perk up across the nation

UprootedTexan 11:42 AM

Luke, I think the question there is not whether or not but when they will.

Luke Beggs 11:44 AM

I mean those first two quarters are just going to be a firing range of takes right? Right before they start to turn it around or so.

bigfatdrunk 11:46 AM

Big Matt and I were just talking about that. Especially after the game last night, how do you see today playing out?

Luke Beggs 11:54 AM

I just think if the Chiefs start too hot and the Texans don’t keep it close then it could be over by half time. If they go down by 2 or so scores at the half I don’t think they flip it. I think the Texans need to have the glimpse of being able to come back and against the Bills that was possible because Josh Allen is a maniac but Reid and Mahomes don’t usually have those kind of mistakes or ineffectiveness.

In essence it all comes down to how the Texans start.

UprootedTexan 11:54 AM

Oh dear.

Luke Beggs 11:57 AM

I will say that the Watson and Fuller can flip the game in a instant so anything’s possible.

UprootedTexan 11:58 AM

That’s the one thing I keep going back to. This is a completely different offense when Fuller is healthy and I really wish the fortunes of our offense didn’t rely so heavily on a guy whose health is based on a coinflip in any given week.

If we can get the offense going the way it can, they’ve got a fighting chance. I just have a hard time seeing a path where BOB doesn’t CHUM it all up.

bigfatdrunk 12:00 PM

Yeah, I think we try to go ball control, and they jump out to a lead. We ain’t playing the Bills, who will settle for FGs. If we don’t try to score 42, I don’t think we have a chance.

Vega 12:00 PM

It’s weird and uncomfortable to be looking at the Titans as inspiration.

bigfatdrunk 12:01 PM

And look at how they won: Dean Pees taking names, and pushing the ball down the field when possible.

Luke Beggs 12:02 PM

Also, per usual Rivers was totally right about Fuller’s value and I would happily give him a big ole honking contract.

bigfatdrunk 12:02 PM

If Fuller is that important to your scheme, maybe it’s an issue with the scheme and not the player.

Chris Jones being out is huge. No Thornhill? No Jones? THROW THE [KITTEN] BALL.

UprootedTexan 12:03 PM

Should I do a drinking game where I drink whenever a Mike Bloomberg ad appears on TV? (Y/N)

bigfatdrunk 12:04 PM

UT, no. Nobody who isn’t Andre the Giant can drink that much.

Luke Beggs 12:05 PM

The Bloomberg ads are hilarious for the sole reason that he can’t honestly think he’s going to get the nomination

UprootedTexan 12:05 PM

Awwwwww, look at the Chiefs fans, stealing a chant from Florida State by way of the Atlanta Braves.

FIRST QUARTER

TEXANS POSSESSION

Matt Weston 12:06 PM

Let’s get that 27th 1st quarter offense going.

[Kitten] Kansas City is loud and drunk and gross already

UprootedTexan 12:06 PM

Not a CHUM to start with, that’s different.

bigfatdrunk 12:06 PM

Wasn’t a CHUM, but it’s as good as. Sigh.

Matt Weston 12:07 PM

I hate Laremy Tunsil can’t get into the flat to open up Hopkins on that play.

bigfatdrunk 12:07 PM

CHUM on 2nd.

UprootedTexan 12:07 PM

THERE’s the CHUM.

Matt Weston 12:07 PM

[KITTEN] THIS

bigfatdrunk 12:07 PM

Immediate 3rd and long. Good [kitten].

Matt Weston 12:07 PM

KC playing single high

UprootedTexan 12:07 PM

Fuller with the first!

Matt Weston 12:08 PM

Fuller v. Mathieu

bigfatdrunk 12:08 PM

They can’t play us like that.

Luke Beggs 12:08 PM

Duke Johnson out wide running the Lamar Miller commerative go route.

UprootedTexan 12:09 PM

And Clark is already hurt. Lovely.

bigfatdrunk 12:09 PM

Even that run was more imagination than we have seen in a while.

Matt Weston 12:09 PM

Looked like outside zone with a designed cutback

KC loves to play Mathieu in the slot, and blitz corners and roll their safeties to it. Every Fuller or Hopkins matchup v. Mathieu needs to be attacked.

UprootedTexan 12:11 PM

I kind of don’t need to see Patrick Mahomes in the commercials as well as on the field.

Luke Beggs 12:11 PM

Small note, a professional sports agent who only has two clients seems like a real [kitten]y agent.

UprootedTexan 12:12 PM

And he seems too stupid to be trusted to negotiate someone’s salary.

Matt Weston 12:12 PM

Still better than Entourage

omfg

Luke Beggs 12:12 PM

That’s not a high bar to clear.

(WATSON TO KENNY STILLS FOR A LONG PASSING TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS LEAD 7-0)

UprootedTexan 12:12 PM

OH MY [KITTEN] WE SCORED ON AN OPENING DRIVE!!!!

Luke Beggs 12:13 PM

OH FUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

bigfatdrunk 12:13 PM

WOW. That was a great play design.

Matt Weston 12:13 PM

Dear [kitten] a unique play design they’ve never used before

Luke Beggs 12:13 PM

[Kitten] fire.

CHIEFS POSSESSION

Luke Beggs 12:14 PM

There’s no way BOB has an entirely new playbook that he’s breaking out for this game

Like never before seen [kitten]

Matt Weston 12:16 PM

TIM. I got a great idea. How about we don’t do the same dumb[kitten] [kitten] we always do?

UprootedTexan 12:17 PM

::Tim hits BOB with a large cartoon mallet::

Matt Weston 12:17 PM

Every third down is monumental.

UprootedTexan 12:18 PM

Can we end the game now? Can we? Can we? Can we? Can we? Can we? Can we?

(BIG PLAY BARKEVIOUS MF-ING MINGO BLOCKS THE CHIEFS PUNT, JOHNSON RETURNS TO FOR A TD. TEXANS LEAD 14-0)

UprootedTexan 12:18 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

bigfatdrunk 12:19 PM

HOLY [KITTEN]!

UprootedTexan 12:19 PM

RUN FATBOY RUN!!!!!

Matt Weston 12:19 PM

WTF IS THIS

WHO IS THIS

WHO ARE WE

bigfatdrunk 12:19 PM

BIG PLAY!

LOLOLOLOL!

UprootedTexan 12:19 PM

AND MINGO WAS HIS NAME-O!!!!

Luke Beggs 12:19 PM

OH [KITTEN] [KITTEN]ING FIRE

Matt Weston 12:19 PM

BIG PLAY BARKEVIOUS MINGO

Luke Beggs 12:20 PM

THE CLOWNEY TRADE WAS WORTH IT

TexanRevJ 12:20 PM

BEST POSSIBLE START

Luke Beggs 12:20 PM

Please please please don’t turtle the offense Bill.

Matt Weston 12:21 PM

[Kitten]it. I guess it was. I guess the Clowney trade was worth it.

UprootedTexan 12:21 PM

I will not get my hopes up.

I will not get my hopes up.

I will not get my hopes up.

I will not get my hopes up.

I will not get my hopes up.

bigfatdrunk 12:22 PM

Such an outlier of a start for this team.

CHIEFS POSSESSION

Luke Beggs 12:23 PM

This Chiefs offense can still easily score 30, this is far from over.

UprootedTexan 12:23 PM

Aaaaaaaaand we’re back.

Vega 12:24 PM

Hey Matt, your dreams of the AFC South championship game is still alive!

Matt Weston 12:24 PM

Yeah, this [kitten] is far from over.

@Vega, god I hope I’m going to be in Houston next weekend

UprootedTexan 12:25 PM

I hate Travis Kelce. I hate more that we have no real answer for him.

bigfatdrunk 12:26 PM

Good [Durga], the drops.

UprootedTexan 12:27 PM

We’ve been bailed out by really lucky-[kitten] drops.

Matt Weston 12:27 PM

I hate that Kelce blocks worse than Darren Fells. They aren’t going for this????

COWARDS

TEXANS POSSESSION

Luke Beggs 12:27 PM

That’s an oof.

Matt Weston 12:28 PM

A play the Texans have never run before, a Kelce drop, a blocked punt turned into a touchdown, another drop, a COWARDS punt, and here we are.

The fabric of reality is ripping at the seams

Luke Beggs 12:31 PM

two back sets

TexanRevJ 12:31 PM

Time to step on the throat

Luke Beggs 12:31 PM

RPO’s too!

bigfatdrunk 12:31 PM

Rare successful CHUM.

MDC 12:32 PM

Remember that time Barkevious [kitten]ing Mingo blocked a punt? That was wild.

UprootedTexan 12:33 PM

Remember? I [kitten]ed near died of shock.

Matt Weston 12:33 PM

Will Fuller slot receiver is a [kitten]ed up thing to have

UprootedTexan 12:33 PM

He should’ve gotten rid of the ball.

Luke Beggs 12:33 PM

Hop and Fuller were both open there.

UprootedTexan 12:35 PM

[Kitten].

The second they mentioned Suggs I knew somehow that drive was over.

Not because I thought he’d do anything in particular but it just felt like the universe was saying something.

MDC 12:36 PM

Yuuuuup

(TEXANS PUNT, CHIEFS MUFF, TEXANS RECOVER!)

bigfatdrunk 12:36 PM

HOLY [KITTEN]

UprootedTexan 12:36 PM

HOLY [KITTEN] TEXANS GET THE BALL BACK!!!

Matt Weston 12:36 PM

[KITTEN] ALMIGHTY

Luke Beggs 12:36 PM

ARE YOU [KITTEN]NG KIDDING ME

I’M LOOSING MY [KITTEN]ING MIND

HOLY [KITTEN]

TEXANS POSSESSION

Matt Weston 12:37 PM

Bill O’Brien’s special team turnover offense is working just like he drew it up

TexanRevJ 12:37 PM

This is insane!!!

Vega 12:38 PM

I’d like to take a moment to remember Joe Marciano

TexanRevJ 12:38 PM

Did anybody script this in your why the Texans will win post? haha

bigfatdrunk 12:38 PM

This game feels like last night.

MDC 12:38 PM

I hope Joe Marciano is getting violated by badgers right now.

Matt Weston 12:38 PM

I think I died in my sleep

(WATSON HITS DARREN FELLS LIKE DIVINE^LIGHTNING FOR THE TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS LEAD 21-0.)

Luke Beggs 12:39 PM

I never came down from that Brownie high did I?

Matt Weston 12:40 PM

Did my grandfather suffering dementia shoot me in the stomach last night?

MDC 12:40 PM

I am more nervous now than i was when this game started.

Luke Beggs 12:40 PM

^

bigfatdrunk 12:40 PM

Yup.

MDC 12:40 PM

I am afraid to move from this spot on the couch.

Luke Beggs 12:40 PM

This stout is going to force me to move at some point.

UprootedTexan 12:40 PM

Have the fumes from my meth-dealing neighbor’s house drifted into my house?

CHIEFS POSSESSION

Vega 12:41 PM

I think someone laced my gin and tonics last night and I’m actually dead

Matt Weston 12:42 PM

Luke Beggs 12:42 PM

I’m still on the Canadian side of the Niagara border aren’t I?

bigfatdrunk 12:43 PM

Wow these drops.

MDC 12:43 PM

How long before CBS mentions 1/3/93?

UprootedTexan 12:43 PM

If I am in fact dead, it’s not nearly as bad as I thought.

Oooof, I felt that.

Luke Beggs 12:44 PM

It’s CBS, considering their viewers are probably all above the age of 65 it’s a minor miracle.

Matt Weston 12:44 PM

Mahomes is an [kitten] for throwing that ball towards the safety.

bigfatdrunk 12:45 PM

I love Reid.

UprootedTexan 12:45 PM

I’m a little surprised they didn’t get flagged for that. Not that it was an illegal play, but refs being dumb[kittens], I wouldn’t have blinked if they called a foul there.

MDC 12:45 PM

Justin Reid doesn’t give a [kitten] how fast the child abuser is.

Luke Beggs 12:45 PM

Neither would I to be honest UT.

TexanRevJ 12:46 PM

Justin Reid is the football gods apologizing for allowing us to sign an old Ed Reed

tehGrindCrusher 12:46 PM

I’m having the weirdest dream. In my dream, it’s 2:30 in the morning, and I can’t sleep. Also, the Texans are pantsing the Chiefs.

Crazy dream, huh? It’s like one of them lucid dreams.

Luke Beggs 12:46 PM

You’re probably dead mate.

Welcome to Heaven, it’s literally just a Slack channel

UprootedTexan 12:47 PM

Okay watching the Chiefs mascot bang his head on the door was kinda funny.

TEXANS POSSESSION

UprootedTexan 12:47 PM

I’m confused and scared.

A successful CHUM

Matt Weston 12:48 PM

KILL THE CLOCK

MDC 12:48 PM

I like these starting field positions today.

tehGrindCrusher 12:48 PM

I tried to grow a beard a few weeks ago and after four days xxx my staff was like, “what’s with the facial hair. You look even older.”

Matt Weston 12:48 PM

Luke gif that woman with her mouth open

tehGrindCrusher 12:48 PM

Message received.

Luke Beggs 12:49 PM

I was zipping between tabs, do you have the time on the clock?

UprootedTexan 12:49 PM

One of us needs to find out where BOB lives and every gameday go to his house and tell him he sucks.

bigfatdrunk 12:49 PM

@tgc: My beard is almost completely gray these days, so I shave like clockwork.

UprootedTexan 12:50 PM

I can’t prove it but I feel like there’s a connection between that video and this start.

Matt Weston 12:50 PM

Like :35 or so. It’s the last play before the quarter.

bigfatdrunk 12:50 PM

Also, sup, dude! Holy cow! Best part of the day!

SECOND QUARTER

MDC 12:51 PM

My beard has some grey in the middle, but otherwise isn’t bad, so I roll with it.

tehGrindCrusher 12:51 PM

blush emoji. It’s early morning for me here. Also, I was recently in Norway, and it’s really bad[kitten].

MDC 12:52 PM

Balls

Why did the ref seem so excited to call that holding against Houston?

UprootedTexan 12:53 PM

Wow Hopkins that was a great catch.

bigfatdrunk 12:53 PM

Goodness, what a throw by Watson and catch by Hopkins.

1st down CHUM. Sigh.

Luke Beggs 12:53 PM

Matt Weston 12:53 PM

hahah YES I love it

UprootedTexan 12:54 PM

What the [kitten] was that?

Luke Beggs 12:55 PM

Stills vs LB isn’t fair

bigfatdrunk 12:55 PM

Still 42 minutes left, BOB. It’s far too early to take you pedal off the gas.

UprootedTexan 12:56 PM

Uh oh.

tehGrindCrusher 12:56 PM

I know BOB is trying to see if it’s possible to go on a 33-minute drive.

UprootedTexan 12:56 PM

I think that would be the ideal BOB game: a 7-0 win where the only possession takes all 60 minutes somehow.

MDC 12:57 PM

3-0, UT

tehGrindCrusher 12:57 PM

Did you say 7-0?

Matt Weston 12:57 PM

GO FOR IT

UprootedTexan 12:57 PM

Y’all are right. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Go for it.

tehGrindCrusher 12:57 PM

SWEEP THE KNEE

UprootedTexan 12:57 PM

They’re going for it.

Matt Weston 12:57 PM

[KITTEN] YA BROTHER

Luke Beggs 12:57 PM

[KITTEN] YEAH BROTHER

tehGrindCrusher 12:58 PM

FATALITY

(WIMPOUT FIELD GOAL IS GOOD. TEXANS LEAD 24-0.)

bigfatdrunk 12:58 PM

[KITTEN]IT, BOB.

UprootedTexan 12:58 PM

You [kitten]ing coward BOB.

Matt Weston 12:58 PM

[KITTEN]IT YOU DUMB PWORD

Luke Beggs 12:58 PM

[Kitten]?

UprootedTexan 12:58 PM

I think he means the lady’s P-word.

MDC 12:58 PM

Purse?

Matt Weston 12:59 PM

Either one works for me

Luke Beggs 12:59 PM

[Kitten] Cowards

Matt Weston 12:59 PM

I can’t believe he kicked a field goal.

TexanRevJ 12:59 PM

I hate that so much

tehGrindCrusher 12:59 PM

In my dream, we burned two timeouts and then kicked a field goal. So surreal, these dreams.

Matt Weston 12:59 PM

Invest three first round picks, three second round picks, and give Fulton $6.5million a year into the offensive line and not even sneak it

UprootedTexan 1:00 PM

That’s closer to reality tGC.

MDC 1:01 PM

Really gonna sting when we fall behind 28-24.

tehGrindCrusher 1:01 PM

I’m sure Watson and Hopkins drew up a play on a cocktail napkin for 4th and 1.

CHIEFS POSSESSION

[Ed. Note: The writing staff here at Battle Red Blog highly recommends you stop reading here for your own well-being. Because we care about you and pain is not something one should willingly look for...unless you’re into that sort of thing. No judgment here.]

UprootedTexan 1:02 PM

Great, now I’m awake.

Matt Weston 1:02 PM

Here we [kitten]ing go

bigfatdrunk 1:03 PM

I was pretty impressed by Fairbairn’s long speed there.

MDC 1:03 PM

Sigh...

UprootedTexan 1:03 PM

Oh great, more injuries.

Matt Weston 1:04 PM

Oh look he caught one

bigfatdrunk 1:04 PM

Well, that was fast. #TWSS

(CHIEFS SCORE. TEXANS LEAD 24-7.)

[Ed. Note: Please note the time is currently 3:05 PM CST/1:05 PM PST when this first Chiefs TD happens.]

UprootedTexan 1:05 PM

Should’ve gone for it on fourth down.

Matt Weston 1:05 PM

Dumb[kitten] field goal

bigfatdrunk 1:05 PM

Jacob Martin covering Williams? I don’t think that was a good match-up.

UprootedTexan 1:05 PM

Will nobody rid me of this meddlesome tight end?

Luke Beggs 1:05 PM

I will never be comfortable unless this the Texans are at least 3 scores ahead.

Matt Weston 1:05 PM

Jacob Martin shouldn’t be on the field unless it’s 2nd and long or third down

MDC 1:05 PM

I don’t think “covering” was the right verb there, bfd.

UprootedTexan 1:05 PM

Even a three score lead ain’t safe.

Matt Weston 1:05 PM

I wonder if the numbers say the Chiefs should go for 2?

TexanRevJ 1:05 PM

Well that was way too easy

bigfatdrunk 1:08 PM

Text from a friend: BOB is a human restrictor plate. LOLOLOLOLOL!

UprootedTexan 1:08 PM

Well when you’re right you’re right.

MDC 1:08 PM

Over/under on points scored by Houston from this point forward: 3.5

TEXANS POSSESSION

tehGrindCrusher 1:08 PM

Take the under

bigfatdrunk 1:09 PM

Over. KC’s D is still trash.

UprootedTexan 1:09 PM

CHUM coming.

MDC 1:09 PM

Under

Capt Ron 1:10 PM

I had to play catch up with a late start to the game. Wow!! Great week to get the fast start for the Texans! Loving this!!

tehGrindCrusher 1:10 PM

It’s all about running down the clock now.

bigfatdrunk 1:10 PM

Back to back CHUMs. BOB already turtling.

tehGrindCrusher 1:10 PM

Bang.

UprootedTexan 1:10 PM

It’s the second quarter Bill, it’s too early to start draining the [kitten] clock.

Capt Ron 1:10 PM

BoB will turtle himself straight into the ship channel

Sweep the [kitten] leg!!

UprootedTexan 1:11 PM

[Kitten].

Matt Weston 1:11 PM

There’s the Houston Texans we know and hate

Capt Ron 1:11 PM

No killer instinct at all from this coach

Matt Weston 1:11 PM

Take me back to the first quarter. The tomahawk chop opens the gates of [kitten].

(TEXANS ATTEMPT A FAKE PUNT AND FAIL.)

bigfatdrunk 1:11 PM

Oh BOB. Nice thought. Terrible play call.

UprootedTexan 1:12 PM

What? Huh? Zuh?

Matt Weston 1:12 PM

DONT KICK THE FIELD GOAL THEN

tehGrindCrusher 1:12 PM

Why can’t we just call “busted play in which Watson bails us out” for every play?

Luke Beggs 1:12 PM

AH FECK

CHIEFS POSSESSION

bigfatdrunk 1:13 PM

Didn’t turn his head.

MDC 1:13 PM

Too scared to go for fourth and 1 in red zone, but let’s run a stupid fucking fake punt in our own end. Brilliant. [Kitten]it. I’m logging off for a bit before I throw this phone through the TV.

UprootedTexan 1:13 PM

We are so [kitten]ed.

Matt Weston 1:14 PM

Yep, that’s it MDC.

Capt Ron 1:14 PM

No contact before the ball got there. That’s BS!!

Luke Beggs 1:14 PM

The Texans DB special

bigfatdrunk 1:14 PM

I think the match-up that will eventually kill us is Conley covering Watkins.

UprootedTexan 1:14 PM

Didn’t turn his head, they’ll call that every time.

Matt Weston 1:14 PM

And he jumped into him and made contact before the ball arrived

tehGrindCrusher 1:14 PM

On my dream, BOB tried a fake punt deep in Chiefs territory and it didn’t work. Thankfully, BOB is way too conservative to do something that dumb. Silly dream!

(CHIEFS SCORE. TEXANS LEAD, FOR NOW, 24-14.)

Matt Weston 1:15 PM

Travis Kelce v. Lonnie Johnson Jr.

bigfatdrunk 1:15 PM

LOL, tgc!

Matt Weston 1:15 PM

GREET DEATH

Capt Ron 1:15 PM

Well, the Chiefs woke up to play ball, and O’Brien thinks a 24 point lead was a win.

Luke Beggs 1:15 PM

[Kitten]

bigfatdrunk 1:16 PM

Gotta say, though, that Lonnie Johnson looks far better playing this “safety” position than he did all season at outside CB. It’s not even close.

tehGrindCrusher 1:16 PM

This dream is rapidly turning into a nightmare.

Capt Ron 1:16 PM

BoB wins the 1st quarter and then [kitten]s the bed in the 2nd. Classic

UprootedTexan 1:16 PM

Can’t wait to see BOB call two runs and an incomplete pass on the next possession.

Luke Beggs 1:16 PM

It might just be the usual nightmare in reverse, instead of the slow start, it’s the slow finish

Matt Weston 1:17 PM

It’s like a dream when you are an eagle soaring through the grand canyon and then you fly head first into a windmill’s guillotine

(CARTER GETS HIT, BALL POPS OUT, LANDS PERFECTLY AS IF FROM DURGA HER-[KITTEN]ING-SELF INTO HIS ARMS. CHIEFS BALL.)

UprootedTexan 1:19 PM

This. Is. [Kitten].

bigfatdrunk 1:19 PM

OMG.

Capt Ron 1:19 PM

Special teams sinks the whole [kitten]ing ship!

Luke Beggs 1:19 PM

OH [KITTEN]

bigfatdrunk 1:19 PM

Texans partying like it’s 1993.

Matt Weston 1:20 PM

THE GHOST OF JOE MARCIANO STILL HAUNTS THESE HALLS

Luke Beggs 1:21 PM

I’m melting like a Dali painting

bigfatdrunk 1:21 PM

MOMENTUM! DRINK!!!

UprootedTexan 1:21 PM

”...changed when O’Brien went for the field goal...”

Matt Weston 1:21 PM

I’m going to vomit

(CHIEFS SCORE. TEXANS LEAD, NOT FOR MUCH LONGER, 24-21.)

[Ed. Note: Please note it is now 3:22 PM CST/1:22 PST. It took all of 17 minutes for the Chiefs to catch up.]

UprootedTexan 1:22 PM

Kill. Me.

bigfatdrunk 1:22 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Luke Beggs 1:22 PM

End my suffering

Hey guys

We’re still ahead thanks to the field goal

UprootedTexan 1:23 PM

And now Smash Mouth? I hate everything.

In three minutes the Chiefs have scored three touchdowns on us. [Kitten] this.

Luke Beggs 1:24 PM

YOU SEE, 3 SCORES

Capt Ron 1:24 PM

This is insane. Now the crowd is back in it. Such a sick tease to start like that and then just gift it away with lack of discipline on special teams.

TEXANS POSSESSION

UprootedTexan 1:26 PM

Matt Weston 1:26 PM

I do love the short middle passing game when they spread things out

bigfatdrunk 1:26 PM

MOAR CHUM.

Matt Weston 1:27 PM

BFD, I’m going to make a video of every CHUM this season for you once this whole thing comes to an end.

bigfatdrunk 1:27 PM

Do you have that much time, Matt?

UprootedTexan 1:27 PM

Of course we burn the last time out with less than four minutes to go.

bigfatdrunk 1:27 PM

All three TOs now burned, one to kick a FG.

Matt Weston 1:28 PM

It will be like cutting a Sequoia down with a feather, but I will make it happen.

Oddly, I still feel, somewhat ok because of Watson. I don’t want to die just yet.

UprootedTexan 1:28 PM

That last play ain’t helping with me.

bigfatdrunk 1:28 PM

The playcalling has regressed back to its normal awful.

Matt Weston 1:29 PM

DeAndre Hopkins has been drinking from the stash Josh Allen left in Houston

Luke Beggs 1:29 PM

WHAT THE [KITTEN]ARE THEY DOING

UprootedTexan 1:29 PM

Giving up the lead, more than likely.

Matt Weston 1:30 PM

Yeah, that was early in slow motion

UprootedTexan 1:31 PM

I was watching a movie from the 90s and the main character is a professional bowler having the game of his life, like if he gets into the finals it could make him. A producer for Wide World of Sports talked to him and said she could make him a star; this is when he needs to hit only three pins to get his big break. He then hits his leg and the ball goes in the gutter and he finishes outside the finals. This is the ballad of Bill O’Brien.

Well at least we don’t have to wait for the end for the choke.

bigfatdrunk 1:33 PM

Isn’t it called like Dream something, UT?

UprootedTexan 1:33 PM

No, this is different, it’s called Greedy with Michael J. Fox and Kirk Douglas.

Kenneth L. 1:33 PM

Hi guys I’m back from Tahoe. What did I miss?

bigfatdrunk 1:34 PM

Not much, Kenneth.

UprootedTexan 1:34 PM

It’s like a quantum game, Kenneth, you’ve missed quite a lot and yet you’ve missed absolutely nothing at the same time.

Capt Ron 1:34 PM

This game is a nightmare. Everything broke perfectly for Houston for 15 minutes and then Stephen King showed up and pointed to a clown.

(PS, BoB is the clown)

Kenneth L. 1:34 PM

I actually was watching on my phone.

Just wanted to hear yalls thoughts

bigfatdrunk 1:35 PM

Special teams tried to win the game for BOB, and he said nah.

UprootedTexan 1:36 PM

LOL, none of this matters.

Luke Beggs 1:36 PM

We all think we’re dead, we’re now debating whether we went to Heaven or Hell.

UprootedTexan 1:36 PM

There’s no debate now.

Kenneth L. 1:36 PM

Lonnie is getting demolished

Matt Weston 1:37 PM

The refs aren’t letting Johnson get away with what he got away with in the first matchup

He was demolished in the first matchup, but was fortunate

UprootedTexan 1:37 PM

And Kelce is getting everything he could possibly want from our secondary.

Matt Weston 1:39 PM

Look! The field goal may have been the right decision!

(CHIEFS SCORE, TAKE LEAD 28-24.)

Luke Beggs 1:39 PM

It’s still got us the lead didn’t it?!?!?!

Oh [kitten]

Matt Weston 1:40 PM

The Texans blew a 24-0 lead

bigfatdrunk 1:40 PM

What a play by Mahomes. He dragged the foot like a receiver. Amazing.

Capt Ron 1:41 PM

Wow! The team wearing red seems to have a very aggressive approach to trying to win a football game. That might be a winning formula.

Back to you, BoB.

bigfatdrunk 1:41 PM

Killing me, Ron.

Luke Beggs 1:43 PM

We had maybe a once in a lifetime set of circumstances happen to us and we just [kitten]ed them away.

Matt Weston 1:43 PM

I love being a Houston Texans fan!!!!!!!

Kenneth L. 1:43 PM

This is embarrassing

TEXANS POSSESSION

UprootedTexan 1:44 PM

How do we [kitten] this one up?

Any takers?

Luke Beggs 1:45 PM

I thought we’d already [kitten]ed up.

Matt Weston 1:46 PM

It’s [kitten]ed, but Deshaun Watson and DeAndre Hopkins and Will Fuller and Kenny Stills are outrageous and I want to die

UprootedTexan 1:46 PM

Deshaun Watson is still a wizard.

Matt Weston 1:46 PM

[Kitten] what a play save the sack against the blitz

bigfatdrunk 1:47 PM

Duke Johnson with an outstanding blitz pick-up.

UprootedTexan 1:47 PM

Oh boy. A field goal.

(TEXANS ATTEMPT A 51-YARD FIELD GOAL AND MISS. TEXANS STILL TRAIL 28-24.)

UprootedTexan 1:48 PM

Yep.

bigfatdrunk 1:48 PM

Kind of a perfect end to the half right there.

HALFTIME REACTIONS

Chris 1:49 PM

LOLOL

Vega 1:49 PM

I can’t believe that’s only been one half of football

Chris 1:49 PM

I’m finally caught up on the dvr

Matt Weston 1:49 PM

I’m going to take a nap, dream of the first quarter, and of an ALL AFC SOUTH AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

How did you like that Fairbairn kick Chris?

UprootedTexan 1:50 PM

This first half has felt like an exceptionally difficult bowel movement.

Chris 1:50 PM

It was exactly what I expected

Two kinds of kickers in the world

Ones who can perform under pressure, and ones who are worthless.

bigfatdrunk 1:51 PM

Andy Reid is a hare; BOB is a turtle. The difference is that Reid is one smart bunny.

MDC 1:51 PM

My remote is shattered. I threw a drum stand across the room. My girlfriend is mad and not talking to me. My dumb [kitten] mom called to talk [kitten] and told her to shut the [kitten] up then hung up on her. And I haven’t watched since the kickoff return fumble. [Kitten] all of this.

tehGrindCrusher 1:52 PM

No worries guys, BOB will make halftime adjustments!

UprootedTexan 1:52 PM

This was BOB’s one good half.

Chris 1:54 PM

Being that I was actually in attendance for the historic 35-3 Oilers meltdown, all this first quarter did for me is give me anxiety.

tehGrindCrusher 1:54 PM

I should note that, after the field goal, our win probability was north of 90%. At halftime, it’s Chiefs 77%.

UprootedTexan 1:55 PM

And all in the amount of time it takes to bake a batch of cookies.

Capt Ron 1:56 PM

The Titans took a 14-0 lead and bled the Ravens out for a trip to the AFC Championship.

The Texans took a 24–0 lead and gifted the Chiefs 28 unanswered points in the first half with special teams carrying the silver platters.

Shanahan turned the 49ers from worst to first in 2 years; hosting the NFC Championship with Garoppolo at QB.

Vrabel took the Titans from the basement to the AFC Championship in 2 years with Tannehill at QB.

O’Brien has been in Houston for 6 years and has Watson at QB.

No excuses!!

tehGrindCrusher 1:56 PM

@UprootedTexan generally, in a bowel movement, things come out ok in the end, no matter the struggle.

Kenneth L. 1:56 PM

I have a concussion

THIRD QUARTER

CHIEFS POSSESSION

Capt Ron 2:04 PM

Hopkins has a rib injury. Of course!

UprootedTexan 2:05 PM

We’re so done.

Capt Ron 2:05 PM

Texans blew their wad all in the 1st quarter.

UprootedTexan 2:05 PM

Never mind that the Chiefs did LITERALLY the exact same thing and nobody batted a [kitten] eye.

Kenneth L. 2:06 PM

This is going to be bad

Capt Ron 2:06 PM

Zero pass rush. Wouldn’t that guy named Clowney be useful today? Hmm? Hmm?

UprootedTexan 2:07 PM

But then we would’ve have had that blocked punt by Mingo that was rendered useless because we went for a field goal on fourth and 1 at the 10 yard line.

Matt Weston 2:07 PM

Matt Moore could drop 37 on this pass defense

UprootedTexan 2:08 PM

Brock Osweiler could drop 30 on this pass defense.

Matt Weston 2:08 PM

Bad pass defense is bad

(CHIEFS SCORE, LEAD 34-24.)

[Ed. Note: No, seriously, turn around now. Nothing good awaits you from this point onward.]

UprootedTexan 2:09 PM

Grape job, defense.

Matt Weston 2:09 PM

Tom Savage could drop 27 on this pass defense

Kenneth L. 2:10 PM

Unbelievable

Capt Ron 2:11 PM

David (and Derek) Carr could go without any sacks against this pass defense.

UprootedTexan 2:11 PM

”Buy this car or someone you love will die.”

Capt Ron 2:13 PM

Mike Vrabel: “Leader of Men!”

Bill O’Brien: “Slayer of heckling fan, and blew a 24-0 1st quarter lead.”

Matt Weston 2:15 PM

Was the first half a monkey’s paw?

UprootedTexan 2:15 PM

Illegal [kitten] formation, seriously?!

Capt Ron 2:15 PM

Vegas baby!

Kenneth L. 2:15 PM

This is miserable

Can someone help me understand illegal formations

UprootedTexan 2:16 PM

CHUM

bigfatdrunk 2:16 PM

CHUM. DRINK!

Capt Ron 2:16 PM

Illegal formations = bad coaching

Kenneth L. 2:16 PM

Chum?

UprootedTexan 2:16 PM

That would require me to understand it myself, Kenneth and I can’t do that.

”Carlos Hyde Up the Middle.”

Matt Weston 2:17 PM

It’s ESTABLISHING THE RUN taken to a more specific and intelligent place

[Kitten] that drive sucked

Kenneth L. 2:17 PM

That sack is on Watson

Matt Weston 2:19 PM

How can you know that from the view we have? He’s looking and there’s nothing open.

Capt Ron 2:21 PM

Here comes an example from KC on how to close out a game.

Screw Bill O’Brien!

Luke Beggs 2:22 PM

Who does Houston sports fear more? Damian Lillard or Travis Kelce?

bigfatdrunk 2:23 PM

For all the hate being directed at RAC on Twitter, please remember that almost every premium draft pick from 2019 through 2021 was thrown at the offense. Clowney was traded. Y’all are expecting RAC to succeed with scraps and cuts like Conley and Hargreaves.BOB sacrificed the D for his O.

UprootedTexan 2:24 PM

Oh come on.

Matt Weston 2:24 PM

lmao Roby with the sunscreen bottle coverage

I agree with you on Crennel, and I don’t know what internal conversations they have, but not playing Watt more on the interior has been an unbelievably dumb[kitten] decision.

Here are the dots on Watson’s sack. There is nothing open.

UprootedTexan 2:26 PM

Imagine if we hadn’t gotten lucky with the blocked punt and the muffed punt return deep in Chiefs territory and take those two scores off the board and think of how bad this would be without those two scores.

bigfatdrunk 2:27 PM

Lonnie Johnson has been toasterized.

UprootedTexan 2:27 PM

This game is exclusively on the defense.

(CHIEFS SCORE, LEAD 41-24.)

[Ed. Note: I tried to warn you, didn’t I? I did try to warn you.]

bigfatdrunk 2:28 PM

Yep, UT. Texans have had one real drive all game, the first one. ST got the 2nd TD, and the ST got the TO deep in their territory to set up an easy second TD.

Vega 2:29 PM

How do you get pantsed when up 24-0?!

UprootedTexan 2:29 PM

BOB and RAC found a way, and for that we should be in awe of them.

Kenneth L. 2:29 PM

41 unanswered points

Vega 2:30 PM

41 unanswered points in a quarter and a half. I get it that RAC hasn’t had much in the way of defensive investment, but that’s historic

TexanRevJ 2:31 PM

My friends are pushing for fire BOB, hire bieniemy

Capt Ron 2:31 PM

For those keeping score at home, that’s 41 UNANSWERED POINTS by KC.

I’m willing to trade “early and ready Bill O’Brien” for “let’s adjust and win this O’Brien.”

TEXANS POSSESSION

Matt Weston 2:31 PM

The offense has as much blame as the rest of the team. They haven’t done a [kitten] thing this game aside from one screen pass where Stills took off, and the short fields from the return screw ups.

The Chiefs are a great team. The Texans aren’t. Things needed to happen for them to win. The special teams and drops were this. They blew it from there.

tehGrindCrusher 2:33 PM

”Over/under on points scored by Houston from this point forward: 3.5”

Glad I took the under!

Think the Chiefs will score 60?

UprootedTexan 2:34 PM

Probably, we don’t have a functioning defense.

bigfatdrunk 2:34 PM

Down 17 with 18 minutes, and it’s a CHUM.

Matt Weston 2:34 PM

I think so. I don’t think Andy Reid wants to open up those past close game playoff coffins

tehGrindCrusher 2:37 PM

If you think about it, how different is this from any other playoffs under BOB? We lucked into an early lead, but the bottom line is that, yet again, we were overmatched and under-prepared against a good team in the playoffs.

The big difference is that we briefly got our hopes up.

(WATSON RUNS THE BALL IN FOR A TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS STILL BEHIND 41-31.)

UprootedTexan 2:38 PM

They...scored? Maybe there is a [kitten].

[Ed. Note: No. There isn’t.]

Matt Weston 2:42 PM

If there is a [kitten] then he’s an [kitten]. No. That doesn’t make any sense. That has to be a Modest Mouse song.

Kenneth L. 2:44 PM

Who drafted Lonnie Johnson??

UprootedTexan 2:45 PM

Actually that makes a ton of sense Big Matt.

FOURTH QUARTER

UprootedTexan 2:46 PM

Shall we prepare for the last waltz?

Matt Weston 2:46 PM

K. Giving up writing about football and naturalistic essays to learn how to play the banjo.

tehGrindCrusher 2:47 PM

Claw hammer, right?

(CHIEFS SCORE, LEAD 48-31.)

bigfatdrunk 2:47 PM

At will. Moving the ball at will. Why? The Chiefs stopped trying to run the ball a long, long time ago.

Kenneth L. 2:48 PM

This is absurd

Matt Weston 2:49 PM

Yeah that sounds good to me. I’m going to get a floppy hat that matches it. I can’t believe 37 year old Mike Adams, who hasn’t been good since 2012, is getting snaps in a playoff game.

Kenneth L. 2:49 PM

50 points in less than 3 quarters

tehGrindCrusher 2:49 PM

Why would anyone run the ball against the Texans when they can just throw it instead?

Capt Ron 2:49 PM

Prep for this game:

Random anonymous smart guy: “Be sure to have an answer for Kelce!!”

RAC: “Zzzzzzzzzzz”

Kelce: 10 catches for 134 yards and 3 touchdowns

UprootedTexan 2:49 PM

Congratulations, BOB, we’re gonna get a fiftyburger hung on us in the playoffs.

TexanRevJ 2:50 PM

O’Brien believes he can fix this by just telling them to play harder

tehGrindCrusher 2:51 PM

Need to have the right attitude. That’s the problem.

Watson QBR: 125. Mahomes: 136

Fair to say Watson isn’t the problem.

Does anyone think that BOB is getting fired as a result of this game?

UprootedTexan 2:54 PM

No. Short of video coming out of BOB saying Cal McNair was on Epstein’s plane and he can prove it, nothing gets him fired.

Matt Weston 2:55 PM

lol there isn’t anyone who will fire him

[KITTEN] HE’S PUNTING

TexanRevJ 2:55 PM

O’Brien is definitely safe

He’ll blame RAC

UprootedTexan 2:56 PM

If he punts, I want him shot.

Chris 2:57 PM

So it took wasting a timeout to figure out you needed to go for it? Just garbage.

Kenneth L. 2:57 PM

Welp

TexanRevJ 2:57 PM

You have no choice but to score. Why not have a play ready to go

UprootedTexan 2:57 PM

Exactly what was the point of taking a timeout if THAT was the result?

TexanRevJ 3:00 PM

Who’s more demoralized, me or the Texans D?

tehGrindCrusher 3:01 PM

They’re going to hang 60 on us.

Matt Weston 3:02 PM

O’Brien is safe because there’s no one who can fire him except for Cal, and nobody has any clue what he’s about

(CHIEFS FIELD GOAL, LEAD 51-31.)

UprootedTexan 3:02 PM

CAL. DOESN’T. CARE.

I think he’s never given a shit about this team as long as they keep lining his pockets.

bigfatdrunk 3:03 PM

Nope, not at all.

tehGrindCrusher 3:03 PM

@TexanRevJ it it makes you feel any better, my alarm is set for 70 minutes from now, and then I gotta get up.

UprootedTexan 3:03 PM

The Texans are the fourth team to have 51 points hung on them in playoff history.

tehGrindCrusher 3:04 PM

@UprootedTexan that’s the thing about owning an NFL franchise. You cannot fail to get rich. So who cares about results?

UprootedTexan 3:04 PM

And the last time someone scored 51 points was 2009 Arizona beat Green Bay 51-45 in overtime.

tehGrindCrusher 3:05 PM

These guys aren’t getting rich because they’re smarter than anyone. It’s because they own a virtual money printing press.

Are you ready, CHUMs?

UprootedTexan 3:08 PM

The one bit of good news is they’re unlikely to break the record, set by Jacksonville in 1999 when they thumped the BESFs 62-7.

Hey how about that, a flag in our favor for once, now that it’s [kitten]ing irrelevant.

Matt Weston 3:10 PM

I don’t know about Cal. He’s had the team for one season. Who knows? I still wonder what the truth is on the whole Gaine thing.

Kenneth L. 3:11 PM

Now they are just toying with us

Why are we not in 2 minute drill

UprootedTexan 3:11 PM

But he’s been the president of the team since jump street. The fact that we know nothing about him that he’s never on camera the way Bob McNair would once in a while. We have no idea if he gives two [kitten]s about this team or not so I can only conclude he’s nothing but an empty suit that we shovel untold amounts of money into.

Kenneth L. 3:12 PM

Why are we not pushing

Terrible

UprootedTexan 3:20 PM

Is this game still on?

Matt Weston 3:20 PM

I’m just saying [UT], I have no idea if he’s like his old man is or not. It’s been one season where he’s had full control.

What a wasted opportunity. The special teams made up for all those Marciano years, the offense was bad, the defense was worse, and Houston had a chance to play the Titans at home for the [kitten]ing Superbowl.

UprootedTexan 3:24 PM

Assuming the Texans don’t score here, because why the [kitten] would they do that, the Texans in the BOB era have been outscored 169 to 113 in six games. So on average, the Texans have lost 28-18 in the playoffs under the Brain.

Turnover On Downs. Because that’s how this game should end.

(TEXANS LOSE 51-31.)

[Ed. Note: You should’ve listened to me earlier.]

Capt Ron 3:29 PM

This is why fans can’t trust the Texans.

They go up 24-0 with a chance at hosting the division-rival Titans for a shot at the Super Bowl, and then just pee down their leg for 3 quarters.

rivers mccown 3:31 PM

good season all

you battle fought out there

Capt Ron 3:32 PM

Chiefs announced to the fans in the stadium that they’ve run out of TD fireworks.

This is perfect!

GAME BALLS

Offense - Let’s give this one to DeAndre Hopkins for playing his butt off with a broken rib.

Defense - LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, GTFOH.

Special Teams - For once, this can go to Barkevious Mingo for blocking a punt and giving Texans fans the world over a brief moment of hope in an otherwise dreary world where everything is terrible and nothing is going to change.

In conclusion, I would like to end this Hair of the Dog, and this season, with a brief video clip which I think pretty well summarizes Sunday’s game. Hit it!

Vent, rant, rage, cry, let it all out Texans fans, that’s what we’re here for today. We’re all in the same boat here.