Hair of the Dog (Wild Card Edition!): Texans vs. Bills

Some time in the future, there will come a point where I, in my retirement castle, think back to football games of years past because my kids won’t come to see me and whatever rerun of Lawrence Welk they have running will not hold my attention. And I will think about Saturday’s game between the Texans and Bills and admit quietly to myself, because everyone else will be napping, that the Texans probably didn’t deserve to win that game.

But as I say later in this thread (spoilers!), “deserve don’t factor into it.” The Texans won. They won on the strength of Deshaun Watson’s feet and approximately two quarters of “Goonies Texans never say die” football. They won because Josh Allen lost his everloving mind in the fourth quarter. They won despite the classic wretched playcalling of Bill O’Brien we’ve come to expect in the NFL Playoffs. They did win. And I hope never to have to go through that kind of drunken-[kitten] football ever again because I’m not sure my body could take another game like that.

But it’s on to Kansas City now, because Tennessee did the only good thing it’s ever done in its miserable existence—they beat the Patriots. So we get a rematch with the Chiefs in frigid Arrowhead Stadium and a fully armed and operational Patrick Mahomes on Sunday afternoon.

We get another week of Texans football, and that’s never a bad thing; even though my liver will probably say otherwise.

So let’s get to this week’s Dog; it’s kind of a long one this week because playoffs!

::waits for TWSS jokes to subside::

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this thread safe to read while you’re at your office generating wealth that won’t filter down to you.

Also SB Nation should pay its writers a living wage.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION:

UprootedTexan 1:20 PM

Is it being too cynical that I feel like today is the last week of the season?

Luke Beggs 1:21 PM

Why did ESPN have to get this game?

UprootedTexan 1:24 PM

Because it’s the game nobody really wanted. ESPN always gets the game of least interest.

And I suspect fewer people have ESPN than they do the normal TV networks.

Luke Beggs 1:25 PM

Also, is the Stadium usually this empty this close to kickoff?

UprootedTexan 1:26 PM

I’ve heard people are slow to get to their seats at the start but I can’t confirm from personal experience as I haven’t been to a Texans home game since 2004.

Matt Weston 1:28 PM

I can’t wait for Booger McFarland to say the Texans traded Jadeveon Clowney for Laremy Tunsil and Jeff Allen looks to throw.

rivers mccown 1:29 PM

yes, the stadium is always that empty

Luke Beggs 1:29 PM

I can’t wait for Tessitore to cliche us to death.

rivers mccown 1:29 PM

tailgates >>>> concessions

Capt Ron 1:34 PM

This marks the first season since the franchise started that I haven’t attended at least one home game for the Texans. That just feels weird given I had season tickets for the first 12 years. The inconsistent performances under O’Brien just have me less willing to risk the money and insane traffic.

UprootedTexan 1:34 PM

Texans won the coin toss and deferred.

Luke Beggs 1:35 PM

I wish I could defer Hank Williams Jr.

UprootedTexan 1:35 PM

So say we all, Luke.

FIRST QUARTER:

UprootedTexan 1:36 PM

Josh Allen coming on the field. Steady yourself Big Matt.

Watt not on the field to start...that’s a promising sign.

Matt Weston 1:38 PM

I’m crusty already

UprootedTexan 1:39 PM

Our defense, ladies and gentlemen.

Matt Weston 1:39 PM

Justin Reid deep middle and looks like Watt is playing only passing downs

Luke Beggs 1:39 PM

Gonna need to gird these loins if Allen’s gonna run like that all day

bigfatdrunk 1:40 PM

You could see that developing a mile away.

Kenneth L. 1:40 PM

Well this is off to a bad start

Matt Weston 1:40 PM

D.J. Reader is a 3-4 defensive end. He isn’t a nose tackle anymore

(TEXANS ALLOW BUFFALO TO SCORE FIRST OPENING DRIVE TOUCHDOWN THIS SEASON. BILLS LEAD 7-0.)

Kenneth L. 1:40 PM

Unbelievable

Matt Weston 1:40 PM

HOLY [KITTEN]

UprootedTexan 1:40 PM

Grape job defense.

Kenneth L. 1:40 PM

We look terrible

Luke Beggs 1:40 PM

GOOD HEAVENS

bigfatdrunk 1:41 PM

The was the whitest TD dance ever.

Capt Ron 1:41 PM

RAC’s defense is getting gashed and gave up a touchdown to a trick play.

Matt Weston 1:41 PM

[Kitten] I love Josh Allen. Name another quarterback who pulls off a 42 yard run and catches a touchdown.

bigfatdrunk 1:41 PM

Hey, remember the time TexanRev got thrashed for saying we would be outcoached?

Kenneth L. 1:41 PM

This is exactly how it started last year

1917 is going to be a great movie

bigfatdrunk 1:42 PM

So, I have an important announcement to make: I made up a new stat. It’s called a CHUM: Carlos Hyde up the Middle.

Matt Weston 1:42 PM

At least the offense starts off fast and should be able to answer back

bigfatdrunk 1:42 PM

LOL@BigMatt.

Diehard Chris 1:43 PM

If the Texans lose I hope it’s another embarrassing blowout.

UprootedTexan 1:43 PM

Oh, Big Matt, my precious boy...that’s so adorable.

Whoever the [kitten] is yelling can shut the [kitten] up right now.

Diehard Chris 1:44 PM

Can’t wait to see how O’Brien’s offense responds to that creative and crisp opening drive HAAAAAAH

HAAAAAAH

Matt Weston 1:44 PM

GO SPURS GO AHHHHHOOOOAAAHHHH

Vega 1:44 PM

How badly do the Texans need to lose to put BoB’s job in danger?

bigfatdrunk 1:44 PM

OMG, a pass on first down!

UprootedTexan 1:44 PM

Watson sent a team text saying “Let’s Be Great.” Clearly the defense didn’t get that text.

Kenneth L. 1:44 PM

Establish thy run

Diehard Chris 1:45 PM

First down pass = EXOTIC

Luke Beggs 1:45 PM

Hawt

bigfatdrunk 1:45 PM

Fulton whiffed on a 2nd level block, or Duke is still running.

UprootedTexan 1:45 PM

Got a Duke Johnson Up The Middle stat, BFD?

Vega 1:45 PM

My feed is waaaaaaay behind you guys

bigfatdrunk 1:45 PM

Two first downs, one CHUM.

Luke Beggs 1:45 PM

Heavens, a first down pass and giving the ball to Duke Johnson?

UprootedTexan 1:45 PM

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

Matt Weston 1:46 PM

Did they learn something? My [kitten]. Duke Johnson breaks a tackle something Carlos Hyde can’t really do.

UprootedTexan 1:46 PM

BFD, two downs, one CHUM?

Kenneth Levy 1:46 PM

Welp adding to the sack tracker

bigfatdrunk 1:46 PM

CHUM, sack, long 3rd down. Right on schedule.

Matt Weston 1:47 PM

I really hate how Laremy Tunsil just gives up on blocks like that

bigfatdrunk 1:47 PM

3 first downs, 2 ineffective CHUMs.

TexanRevJ 1:47 PM

I remember haha

That was the best opening drive I’ve seen all season by any team

UprootedTexan 1:47 PM

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

Matt Weston 1:48 PM

Lead with Gillaspia because the tight ends can’t block the second level. They’ve actually learned somethings. I can’t kittening believe it.

TexanRevJ 1:48 PM

Carlos Hyde up the middle is the equivalent of prevent defense.

Capt Ron 1:48 PM

It’s so [kitten] loud with Houston on offense! Are there a bunch of Bills fans in attendance or is it the typical large contingent of ignorant socialites?

UprootedTexan 1:49 PM

#BillsMafia

Matt Weston 1:49 PM

The passing game is a lot of short curls so far. It’s eerie to what they did against Carolina earlier this year.

(BOB CHALLENGES A NON-CALL OF DEFENSIVE PASS INTERFERENCE.)

bigfatdrunk 1:49 PM

Coming up: another lost challenge by BOB.

UprootedTexan 1:50 PM

No, BOB, what you doin’ baby?

Diehard Chris 1:50 PM

OMFG ARE YOU SERIOUS BOB

Matt Weston 1:50 PM

Dumb[kitten]

UprootedTexan 1:50 PM

That is never going to get overturned.

TexanRevJ 1:50 PM

Was that Kevin Johnson making a play???

Diehard Chris 1:50 PM

[KITTEN] FFFFFFF [KITTEN]

Kenneth L. 1:50 PM

Terrible challenge

Matt Weston 1:50 PM

TARON JOHNSON

Capt Ron 1:51 PM

There are always fewer PI calls in the post-season. This is a wasted timeout, which will lead to a field goal attempt.

Luke Beggs 1:51 PM

TAROT JOHNSON?

Jeremy Brener 1:51 PM

just let anger pin them

UprootedTexan 1:51 PM

HOT [KITTEN], LOCAL MARSHAWN LYNCH ADS!

This game might just be saved after all!

Matt Weston 1:51 PM

None of you read SIX THINGS and it really shows.

UprootedTexan 1:52 PM

I can’t read, you know that and I don’t appreciate you bringing that fact up.

Luke Beggs 1:52 PM

I’ve been watching esports all week instead. I don’t even know what system this is being played on? Xbox I think.

UprootedTexan 1:52 PM

Call stands, [kitten] you BOB.

Capt Ron 1:53 PM

Delay of game. What a beauty BOB lined up for us today!

Diehard Chris 1:53 PM

I ask again. Who do we have a kicker?

UprootedTexan 1:53 PM

Mrs. UT: You guys are off to a stellar start here.

Even she knows this sucks.

bigfatdrunk 1:54 PM

OffensiveSuperGenius Bill O’Brien is now 1/8 on challenges this year.

Vega 1:54 PM

Well you wouldn’t want to score a TD on the opening drive. Need to stay with what’s worked this season.

Capt Ron 1:54 PM

Another unprepared Texans team. It’s the new normal I guess for Houston.

Matt Weston 1:54 PM

Are ya’ll ready for some Josh Allen quick passing. YYEAAOOHHHHH

Luke Beggs 1:55 PM

I enjoy the symmetry of the punter’s name mirroring the reaction I have from seeing him on the field.

Matt Weston 1:56 PM

Watt v. Cody Ford

Kenneth L. 1:56 PM

JJ watt vs Cody Ford is going to be awesome

UprootedTexan 1:56 PM

Sweet 7 lbs. 8 oz. Durga I hate this defense.

Kenneth L. 1:56 PM

I loved ford in the draft process

Matt Weston 1:56 PM

[Kitten] that was a [kitten]ing throw

TexanRevJ 1:56 PM

That throw was incredible

Matt Weston 1:57 PM

Kenneth, Ford still hasn’t figured out how to pass set so far. He’s given up a lot of pressure, but has been great in the run game though.

UprootedTexan 1:58 PM

Anyone doubting if the Bills will convert on second and 20?

Jeremy Brener 1:58 PM

nope

bigfatdrunk 2:00 PM

Yeah. The defense has played above its talent all year, which is really a weird thing to say.

UprootedTexan 2:01 PM

Furk.

Matt Weston 2:02 PM

oooooffffff

oooooffff

TEXANS POSSESSION...

bigfatdrunk 2:03 PM

Four first downs, three CHUMs.

UprootedTexan 2:03 PM

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

bigfatdrunk 2:04 PM

Three CHUMs for six yards, or 2 ypc. Perfect. Just perfect.

UprootedTexan 2:04 PM

”And that was Kevin Johnson who was unable to wrap up.”

That sounds familiar.

Kenneth L. 2:04 PM

Matt I knew that run blocking was his thing. Ford can’t pass block ever

bigfatdrunk 2:05 PM

Wow, the Bills left two guys wide open.

Matt Weston 2:06 PM

He was good in OU at it because it was all one slide step and contact.

bigfatdrunk 2:06 PM

Jordan Phillips almost used Zach Fulton to get a sack.

UprootedTexan 2:07 PM

[Kitten].

Kenneth, I think you’re going to be very busy with your sack tracker this week.

Kenneth L. 2:08 PM

It’s going to be so long

bigfatdrunk 2:08 PM

Texans have already punted twice - TWICE! - inside the Bills’ 50.

BILLS POSSESSION...

Matt Weston 2:08 PM

Matt Milano has missed two sacks this time, Murphy had his mop and bucket that time.

Yeah BFD, but I don’t think you want to give BUF a short field. They have any trouble scoring on their own.

bigfatdrunk 2:09 PM

Going for it on 4th down still has a greater risk reward, even when considering that.

UprootedTexan 2:10 PM

It’s almost like BOB, to steal a shtick from Big Matt, TITANS UP in the playoffs.

SECOND QUARTER:

Matt Weston 2:12 PM

If you want to blanket everything and not consider the context, situation, part of the game, and opponent.

Luke Beggs 2:12 PM

Always go for it on 4th down.

UprootedTexan 2:12 PM

And we do.

Matt Weston 2:13 PM

I’m pro 4th down, just not in the first half down by 7 against a Bills team that struggles to score 20 points.

And has a top five pass defense

UprootedTexan 2:16 PM

Third and nine, this can’t miss.

And they’re gonna give it to him because of course they are.

bigfatdrunk 2:17 PM

If that throw is accurate, that might have gone to the house.

Matt Weston 2:17 PM

Ford was all over Jacob Martin on that 3rd and 9

UprootedTexan 2:18 PM

Once again for those in the back, I hate this defense.

Okay, I take it back.

bigfatdrunk 2:19 PM

Knee down. Damn. That was weird looking from our angle.

UprootedTexan 2:19 PM

Never mind, his knee was down. I stand by my previous statement.

Kenneth L. 2:19 PM

He was down

Jeremy Brener 2:20 PM

Roby a second late yet again

Matt Weston 2:20 PM

He’s down and Whitney Mercilus is just like Gareon Conely

Imagine Deshaun Watson in Buffalo’s offense????

UprootedTexan 2:21 PM

Oilers are dead, [kitten] that montage.

bigfatdrunk 2:22 PM

Just waiting for BOB to try and challenge that play.

UprootedTexan 2:22 PM

I think if he did he might get hauled into the stands and beaten to death.

bigfatdrunk 2:22 PM

Matt, I imagine Watson playing for every coach aside from BOB, often while covered in nothing but corn oil.

UprootedTexan 2:23 PM

(to BFD) Is Watson the one covered in corn oil or you?

Matt Weston 2:23 PM

lmao

Luke Beggs 2:23 PM

Corn oil? How decadent.

Matt Weston 2:23 PM

Angelo Blackson really earning that $4 million today

bigfatdrunk 2:24 PM

Poor awareness by Brown there.

They are blaming Allen, but Brown had plenty of time to adjust.

(BILLS KICK A FIELD GOAL, LEAD 10-0.)

UprootedTexan 2:24 PM

Any time you want to start offensing and getting points on the board would be great, guys.

bigfatdrunk 2:25 PM

Also, notice what the Bills are NOT trying to do? Establish the run.

TEXANS POSSESSION...

Matt Weston 2:26 PM

lmao how do you give up 168 yards to the Bills on three possesions

bigfatdrunk 2:27 PM

Another CHUM!

Kenneth L. 2:27 PM

I hate Chris Clark

Vega 2:27 PM

Commitment, Matt. Commitment.

Matt Weston 2:28 PM

Buffalo is really sitting on those slants they want to give to Hopkins

UprootedTexan 2:29 PM

Oh it’s officially a Texans game, mark off “false start by Tunsil” on your bingo cards.

bigfatdrunk 2:29 PM

With no Fuller, BOB seems completely unwilling to push the ball. Great game plan by BUF.

Capt Ron 2:29 PM

Tunsilitis setting in

Kenneth L. 2:29 PM

“Tunsilitis”

UprootedTexan 2:29 PM

Tunsilitis.

Matt Weston 2:29 PM

waaaaahhhhhhh they’re picking on me

Kenneth L. 2:29 PM

That’s terrible

Matt Weston 2:29 PM

1st and 15 is a good chance for a deep shot

Kenneth L. 2:29 PM

No matt they are picking on me

UprootedTexan 2:29 PM

Well, I’m starting to understand why today felt like the last game of the season.

bigfatdrunk 2:30 PM

”That’s bad coaching right there.”

Matt Weston 2:30 PM

DON’T BLOCK DEFENSIVE ENDS WITH TIGHT ENDS

TexanRevJ 2:30 PM

Man kinda looks like the Texans offense wasn’t ready for what BUF was going to do on D. If only there was some way to prepare for that

UprootedTexan 2:30 PM

Cal McNair: Why should I listen to some...PERSON...named Booger?

Wait...is Kevin Johnson hurt?

Luke Beggs 2:32 PM

Healthy all year until he got back to Houston.

Matt Weston 2:32 PM

[Kitten] I want that Leslie Frazier jacket

Vega 2:32 PM

Kevin Johnson is Will Fuller’s spirit animal

bigfatdrunk 2:32 PM

Watch for the fake punt here.

Capt Ron 2:32 PM

O’Brien’s offense is abysmal. At this stage of emotional despair, I don’t even have enough fortitude as a fan to wish for Watson to pull out a win here.

I’d honesty much rather the Texans get blown off the field so that O’Brien can spend 2020 “flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog [kitten]out of Hong Kong.”

Kenneth L. 2:32 PM

We are getting sniffed out

UprootedTexan 2:32 PM

LOLOLOLOL Kevin Johnson must get hives when the plane touches down at IAH.

bigfatdrunk 2:32 PM

Or not. This team.

UprootedTexan 2:33 PM

I really want to believe these delay of game penalties are intentional.

Diehard Chris 2:33 PM

BFD are you on X?

Luke Beggs 2:33 PM

4th and 3. Come on and go for it.

Diehard Chris 2:33 PM

The delays are definitely intentional

You can see it in their body language

bigfatdrunk 2:34 PM

(to Chris) I wish! Might make this game tolerable.

Capt Ron 2:34 PM

Well, the punting by Anger has been fun to watch. The rest of the franchise can take their [kitten] to the ship channel and jump in.

Matt Weston 2:34 PM

Down 10-0, 4th and 3, I would have liked to see them go for it there. Come on now, the kids take MDMA nowadays. Y’all really showing your age right now.

Jeremy Brener 2:35 PM

im glad they didnt go for it

TexanRevJ 2:35 PM

Is BOB trying to play field position down 10?

Jeremy Brener 2:35 PM

watson cant do [kitten] right now

establish the run on the next drive and go from there

UprootedTexan 2:36 PM

This game needs more Marshawn Lynch ads.

BILLS POSSESSION...

Luke Beggs 2:37 PM

You’re showing your age now Matt, the REAL zoomers are off their face on Tiktok.

Matt Weston 2:37 PM

Jeremy we need to have a conversation about ESTABLISHING THE RUN

[kitten]!!!!!

I forgot the real kids don’t even do drugs anymore

bigfatdrunk 2:38 PM

Oh, Jeremy, I am so disappoint.

Luke Beggs 2:38 PM

Back in my day we huffed glue and ate tide pods to get our high..

Matt Weston 2:38 PM

It’s all vape juice, yeeting, tik tok, and not watching the Sopranos

UprootedTexan 2:39 PM

Cogito Ergo Yeet.

Luke Beggs 2:39 PM

I can’t wait for the next 15 years when millennials start punching down on the zoomers.

Matt Weston 2:39 PM

dead[kitten] I’m so thankful Frank Gore doesn’t play for the Texans

Kenneth L. 2:39 PM

Who is hurt

UprootedTexan 2:39 PM

Jahleel Addae.

Kenneth L. 2:39 PM

Shot

Matt Weston 2:39 PM

I can’t wait to vote to prevent the zoomers from getting easy access to health care

Kenneth L. 2:40 PM

And we don’t have Gipson

Luke Beggs 2:40 PM

[Kitten] I laughed too hard at that Matt.

UprootedTexan 2:41 PM

I’ve had that Impossible Whopper, you can tell it’s not beef, but the difference is so slight it doesn’t really detract from the fact that Whoppers are terrible.

SB Nation should pay its blog writers.

Matt Weston 2:42 PM

[Kitten] yeah the freak graphics are back

Luke Beggs 2:42 PM

A living wage.

I’m still haunted by that Flacco as a bird one.

Matt Weston 2:43 PM

This is the only good thing the Ringer has ever done

Luke Beggs 2:43 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHA

What a [kitten]ing bat[kitten] throw

Matt Weston 2:43 PM

Imagine how many posts I could not write about the Houston Texans if SB Nation paid a living wage

UprootedTexan 2:43 PM

I want to see them do what that one Chinese (Taiwanese?) news service did with the insane graphics explaining something approximating a news story.

Luke Beggs 2:45 PM

Those were great, they had Jake Butt being cannon blasted out of a giant [kitten].

Kenneth L. 2:46 PM

I’m ready to fire OBrien

Matt Weston 2:47 PM

I was just thinking to myself we hadn’t seen Cole Beasley yet

Kenneth L. 2:47 PM

I’m ready to cry

TexanRevJ 2:50 PM

Josh Allen is underrated

bigfatdrunk 2:51 PM

You’re gonna make Matt cry, Rev.

UprootedTexan 2:52 PM

That touchdown to end the half would’ve been too perfect for this half.

Matt Weston 2:52 PM

He’s not under rated. Nobody has been watching and can take beauty on face value.

bigfatdrunk 2:52 PM

He should have caught that.

(BILLS KICK ANOTHER FIELD GOAL, LEAD 13-0.)

Matt Weston 2:52 PM

Gareon Conley is so [kitten]ing lucky

Diehard Chris 2:53 PM

Even if the Texans come back and win this game- if Cal can’t see the problem, he never will.

UprootedTexan 2:53 PM

::camera cuts to Cal McNair counting stacks of hundred-dollar bills in his luxury box::

McNair: Yeah, this is fine.

bigfatdrunk 2:53 PM

@Chris: The homers blame Watson. It’s amazing.

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

Matt Weston 2:54 PM

Get is his [kitten] booger

Vega 2:54 PM

The biggest stat in that graphic is that Watson has 8 pass attempts

TexanRevJ 2:55 PM

This is embarrassing. We are being out played and out coached. Unless something drastic happens in the locker room this game is over

Kenneth L. 2:55 PM

I’m inebriated

By this game***

bigfatdrunk 2:56 PM

Marvin Lewis interviewing with the Cokeboys? OMG, this erection might last three hours LOLOLOLOLOL!

[Ed. Note: EWWWWWWWWWWWW]

UprootedTexan 2:56 PM

Dear Satan, please make Marvin Lewis head coach of the Cowboys.

Luke Beggs 2:57 PM

That’s literally two minutes on the first half and then onto something else. To be honest, I don’t blame them from moving on.

Julian Edelman looks like he’s the front man for a Imagine Dragons cover band.

bigfatdrunk 2:58 PM

We are stuck with BOB forever. First, he could rely on the defense, and now the D and Watson save his scrubby hide. He is, truly, Marvin O’Brien.

Matt Weston 2:58 PM

lmao Luke

UprootedTexan 3:00 PM

LOL, people think Tom Brady is leaving New England in anything other than a box.

In the BOB era, the Texans have been outscored (as of right now) 112-50.

THIRD QUARTER:

(TEXANS RECEIVE KICKOFF, HAND BALL TO REF. BALL DECLARED INITIALLY A BILLS TOUCHDOWN ONLY TO BE REVERSED ON REVIEW TO A TOUCHBACK.)

bigfatdrunk 3:08 PM

WTF

UprootedTexan 3:08 PM

OH WHAT THE [KITTEN]?!

Luke Beggs 3:08 PM

OH [KITTEN]

bigfatdrunk 3:08 PM

OMK!

TexanRevJ 3:08 PM

WHAT???

Luke Beggs 3:08 PM

HOLY [KITTEN]

UprootedTexan 3:09 PM

[Kitten] you, dumb[kitten] refs.

bigfatdrunk 3:09 PM

[KITTEN]! That would have been AWESOME.

Matt Weston 3:10 PM

HOUSE OF HORRORS

[Kitten] that dumb[kitten] read option with Fells in the flat

Kenneth L. 3:11 PM

Unbelievable

UprootedTexan 3:12 PM

Different kind of bed [kitten]ing, but a bed [kitten]ing to start the half nonetheless.

bigfatdrunk 3:12 PM

Three Texans WRs within five yards of each other. What a [kitten]y play design.

UprootedTexan 3:12 PM

Bryan Anger - Texans Playoff MVP.

Jeremy Brener 3:12 PM

im sorry but deshaun has been terrible

Matt Weston 3:13 PM

Who’s open for him?

Jeremy Brener 3:13 PM

deandre was open on that play

Matt Weston 3:13 PM

The Texans are doing the same things they’ve done all season and the Bills are all over it.

There’s a defender running with him short of the sticks.

Jeremy Brener 3:13 PM

deshaun is capable of hitting that window

he has just been so apprehensive

bigfatdrunk 3:14 PM

They had high/low routes, and they were way too close to each other, so Watson couldn’t throw.

Jeremy Brener 3:14 PM

the body language has been terrible

UprootedTexan 3:15 PM

As I watch this game, I keep hearing that clip from Lance Zierlein’s podcast about how Watson can’t get his receivers to practice with him and, more importantly, how BOB will come in at the last minute and add new stuff and change the team’s gameplan.

[Ed. Note: Here is the podcast clip I’m referring to; H/T to Rivers McCown.]

This is not good work. If this is the best BOB can do, I am not impressed.

Luke Beggs 3:15 PM

They’ve been kicked in the head all game, it’s hard to stay positive when getting kicked in the head and your coach is doing nothing to help you.

BILLS POSSESSION...

Vega 3:16 PM

It’s all for the best. This team would get absolutely demolished against Baltimore next week

bigfatdrunk 3:16 PM

I mean, look at what the Bills are doing with Allen and what BOB does with Watson. That’s the difference. You can’t overcome an incompetent scheme.

Matt Weston 3:16 PM

They have brought absolutely nothing new on offense into a [kitten]ing playoff game they had two weeks to prepare for because they were extending Whitney Mercilus and Bryan Anger.

UprootedTexan 3:17 PM

That’s playoff MVP Bryan Anger to you.

TEXANS POSSESSION...

UprootedTexan 3:19 PM

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

bigfatdrunk 3:22 PM

2nd and short, and it’s a CHUM. It’s kitten like that that makes BOB so [kitten]ing awful.

First downfield throw all game. That’s ridiculous.

UprootedTexan 3:22 PM

And probably the last too.

TexanRevJ 3:23 PM

3rd quarter and first deep shot. That’s good

(TEXANS FUMBLE THE BALL, BILLS RECOVER.)

Kenneth L. 3:24 PM

Absolute meltdown in the process

UprootedTexan 3:24 PM

LOL, [kitten] me.

Kenneth L. 3:24 PM

Houston gets an absolute trash game again

Matt Weston 3:25 PM

He’s been running around with the ball like that all season. The things you ignore come into focus at the worst possible times.

Luke Beggs 3:26 PM

Game Drink is Raspberry Sour from WhiteFrontier in Switzerland. I wish I had more than one

bigfatdrunk 3:27 PM

If the Bills score a TD here, that might be all they need.

Kenneth L. 3:27 PM

We havnt missed this many tackles all season

Vega 3:27 PM

They might already have all they need

TexanRevJ 3:28 PM

You know things are bad when Frank Gore gashes you in 2020

bigfatdrunk 3:29 PM

Nice to see Watt get a sack there.

(BILLS KICK A FIELD GOAL, LEAD 16-0.)

TEXANS NOW TRAILING 115-50 IN PLAYOFF GAMES DURING BILL O’BRIEN ERA.

Matt Weston 3:31 PM

Watt’s sack has been the only good Texans thing about this game.

Houston has the 9th highest broken tackle rate this season. It’s been a problem all year, especially in the secondary.

TEXANS POSSESSION...

Luke Beggs 3:34 PM

Thank you for that dramatic reading of T.J Watt’s tweet.

UprootedTexan 3:35 PM

Hey a completed pass! That didn’t end in disaster!

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

bigfatdrunk 3:36 PM

Two CHUMs, one successful, one not.

UprootedTexan 3:36 PM

This field goal is gonna be awesome.

HOLY [KITTEN] THEY DID A TOUCHDOWN!

Kenneth L. 3:39 PM

THATS A MAN

bigfatdrunk 3:39 PM

That’s a TD. What a run by Watson.

Kenneth L. 3:39 PM

THATS MY QB

bigfatdrunk 3:39 PM

Looks like the nose is across!

UprootedTexan 3:39 PM

[Kitten], it’s not going to count.

Matt Weston 3:40 PM

What a run. Get ready for a Hyde inside run.

Jeremy Brener 3:40 PM

is there enough evidence to overturn that?

bigfatdrunk 3:41 PM

BOB must go for two here.

Watson can carry a team, but he can’t carry BOB’s carcass at the same time.

(DESHAUN WATSON WITH A 20 YARD RUN FOR A TOUCHDOWN! HE ALSO GETS THE TWO POINT CONVERSION! BILLS LEAD 16-8.)

THE TEXANS NOW TRAIL 115-58 IN 4 3/4 PLAYOFF GAMES IN THE BOB ERA.

Kenneth L. 3:43 PM

I WANT TO SEE TOM SAVAGE MAKE THAT PLAY

BILLS POSSESSION...

UprootedTexan 3:43 PM

Remember when BOB thought Tom Savage was the better decision to start the season instead of Deshaun Watson?

bigfatdrunk 3:44 PM

MOMENTUM. OMK, so stupid, Booger.

Matt Weston 3:45 PM

Momentum can’t stop the sun from rising.

bigfatdrunk 3:45 PM

Obvious hold was obvious.

Matt Weston 3:46 PM

Don’t block Jacob Martin with a tight end

bigfatdrunk 3:46 PM

This game is a perfect example of how field goals can kill you. We’ve seen it for years from our point of view.

FOURTH QUARTER:

Matt Weston 3:48 PM

Yeah, that’s a great point BFD.

That quarter was the perfect example that the Texans are not out of any game with Watson at quarterback.

bigfatdrunk 3:49 PM

MOMENTUM. I hate announcers.

Kenneth L. 3:50 PM

This is a big play

3rd and 8 s

(TEXANS FORCED A FUMBLE, RECOVERED BY JACOB MARTIN, THUS TOTALLY JUSTIFYING THE JADEVEON CLOWNEY TRADE!)

Kenneth L. 3:51 PM

LETS GOOOOO

bigfatdrunk 3:51 PM

That wasn’t a FF. Allen dropped it.

Jeremy Brener 3:51 PM

WHITNEY!!!

bigfatdrunk 3:51 PM

CHUM for two yards.

Kenneth L. 3:51 PM

WE traded Clowney purely for Martin to get that ball

bigfatdrunk 3:52 PM

Hyde now 8/28, 3.5 ypc.

Another CHUM. JFK.

GO FOR IT. OMK GO FOR IT.

UprootedTexan 3:54 PM

Oh [kitten] me they’re going for a field goal.

Matt Weston 3:55 PM

[Kitten].

They HAVE to go for it here

(TEXANS KICK A FIELD GOAL. BILLS LEAD 16-11.)

TEXANS NOW TRAIL 115-61 IN 4 3/4 PLAYOFF GAMES IN THE BOB ERA.

Matt Weston 3:55 PM

COWARDS

BILLS POSSESSION

Kenneth L. 3:58 PM

Six sacks is a lot

Missed tackles today is odd

Matt Weston 3:59 PM

they haven’t tackled that well all season!!

TEXANS POSSESSION...

Matt Weston 4:00 PM

That’s a hell of a way to rush the quarterback from Zach Cunningham

Jeremy Brener 4:01 PM

i really thought this game was over

given how terrible they have been, this is about as best as you can ask for

Matt Weston 4:04 PM

Watson turns that kitten [kitten]y zone read play from a sack into a five yard gain

UprootedTexan 4:04 PM

THEY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!

Matt Weston 4:05 PM

hell yes brother

DeAndre Hopkins--SIDELINE RECEIVER

bigfatdrunk 4:07 PM

Every time Hyde touches the ball, and angel kills a puppy.

UprootedTexan 4:08 PM

Is it an ugly puppy or a cute puppy?

(WATSON PASSES TO CARLOS HYDE, WHO ACTUALLY HANGS ONTO THE BALL FOR A TOUCHDOWN!)

UprootedTexan 4:08 PM

A;SLDKJFA;LSDKFJAS;DLKFJASD;FLKSJDFG;LASDJF;LAKSD;JH

bigfatdrunk 4:09 PM

Gotta go for two here.

Kenneth L. 4:10 PM

SLIME

MONEY

Luke Beggs 4:10 PM

What the [kitten] is actually happening.

Matt Weston 4:10 PM

Deshaun Watson

(TWO POINT CONVERSION FROM WATSON TO HOPKINS IS GOOD! TEXANS LEAD 19-16!)

bigfatdrunk 4:10 PM

Deshaun Watson.

TexanRevJ 4:11 PM

LETS GOOOOOO

Jeremy Brener 4:11 PM

DESHAUN.

Vega 4:11 PM

I’ve said it before... Texans football is stupid

Kenneth L. 4:11 PM

In the words on Dababy

I want some [KITTEN] with some bop in it

bigfatdrunk 4:11 PM

This game, though, is about the Texans D and the Bills going into prevent offense.

Jeremy Brener 4:11 PM

It’s ironic how once he plays well, the team plays well.

Matt Weston 4:13 PM

It’s ironic that the Bills have been sitting on Hopkins slant routes all game and it took Houston 50+ minutes to finally get him isolated along the sideline.

BILLS POSSESSION...

UprootedTexan 4:13 PM

It can never be easy, can it?

bigfatdrunk 4:14 PM

Umm, OK, I was very impressed by Reader’s downfield speed. [kitten].

Kenneth L. 4:15 PM

Missed tackles

Matt Weston 4:17 PM

This is the quarterback duel of the century

bigfatdrunk 4:18 PM

What a terrible play call. The only thing worse than giving the ball to Hyde is to give it to Gore.

UprootedTexan 4:18 PM

Two minute warning, don’t [kitten] me off BOB.

Kenneth L. 4:18 PM

I’m so close to crying is unbearable

Matt Weston 4:18 PM

That was the most Texans [kitten] playcall I’ve ever seen

Playoff football is just the best, ain’t it?

UprootedTexan 4:21 PM

Intentional grounding?

Matt Weston 4:21 PM

A.J. Moore has been a pretty good blitzer this season. I think Singletary was in the area?

UprootedTexan 4:21 PM

INTENTIONAL GROUNDING!

Jeremy Brener 4:22 PM

THAT’S CRAZY

UprootedTexan 4:23 PM

Holy crap they’re going for it.

bigfatdrunk 4:24 PM

WOW. This game is something else.

UprootedTexan 4:24 PM

Jesus [kitten]ing [kitten] FIGURE OUT YOUR [KITTEN] CLOCK REFS!

Matt Weston 4:24 PM

what in the world is happening

UprootedTexan 4:24 PM

JACOB MOTHER[KITTEN]ING MARTIN, Y’ALL!!!

Jeremy Brener 4:25 PM

ROCKBOYSSSSS

Kenneth L. 4:25 PM

[KITTEN] CLOWNET

bigfatdrunk 4:25 PM

Josh Allen went Case Keenum.

Kenneth L. 4:25 PM

CLOWNET

Matt Weston 4:25 PM

Josh Allen giveth, Josh Allen taketh

Kenneth L. 4:25 PM

CLOWNEY

(TEXANS SACK JOSH ALLEN IN BUFFALO TERRITORY ON FOURTH DOWN. TURNOVER ON DOWNS!)

TEXANS POSSESSION...

UprootedTexan 4:26 PM

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

bigfatdrunk 4:26 PM

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a team meltdown like the Bills just did.

UprootedTexan 4:27 PM

The last time the Bills were up 16 in a playoff game was the Music City Miracle which was a forward lateral pass.

Kenneth L. 4:29 PM

Holy [kitten]

bigfatdrunk 4:29 PM

I think the spot was even generous.

Kenneth L. 4:29 PM

Wow I thought we had this win

TURNOVER ON DOWNS. BILLS’ BALL.

Jeremy Brener 4:29 PM

this game is a special kind of stupid

Vega 4:29 PM

The stupidity continues

bigfatdrunk 4:30 PM

OMG, this is ridiculous.

UprootedTexan 4:31 PM

I hate this game.

Jeremy Brener 4:31 PM

this game is soooo drunk

UprootedTexan 4:31 PM

This game is bull[kitten].

Matt Weston 4:31 PM

Josh Allen NFL STREET

UprootedTexan 4:33 PM

Why’d I let myself get my hopes up?

bigfatdrunk 4:33 PM

This game is insane. Just crazy sauce, babbling at passersby insane.

Kenneth L. 4:34 PM

I have full faith in Romeo Crennel to make a good call this

Play

Jeremy Brener 4:34 PM

and this game is just to determine who gets their [kitten] kicked a week from now

bigfatdrunk 4:35 PM

Allen’s throwing ducks out there now.

UprootedTexan 4:35 PM

I thought he had that. Damn.

His knee is down. That’s fourth down.

Matt Weston 4:37 PM

Was he touched?

I don’t think so.

UprootedTexan 4:37 PM

It looked like he was.

Jeremy Brener 4:37 PM

i think he’s short

Matt Weston 4:37 PM

Ahhhh there it was from the other angle

UprootedTexan 4:38 PM

Oh [kitten] you ref. Holy [kitten]ing [kitten] you Corrente.

bigfatdrunk 4:39 PM

This game. I can’t even.

Kenneth L. 4:39 PM

I’m dying

Matt Weston 4:39 PM

It doesn’t matter if they kick the field goal anyways

bigfatdrunk 4:39 PM

I would straight up kick the FG here.

Kenneth L. 4:39 PM

I cannot currently feel my face

Matt Weston 4:39 PM

Nevermind. I’m dumb as [kitten].

UprootedTexan 4:40 PM

I wouldn’t trust this bunch of gibbering imbeciles to run a grocery store let alone determine the course of an NFL playoff game.

Matt Weston 4:40 PM

[Kitten] this. I’d kick the field goal if I was Buffalo. I couldn’t risk another Allen sack.

bigfatdrunk 4:40 PM

That, right there, is why they should kick.

UprootedTexan 4:41 PM

I hate this.

Matt Weston 4:41 PM

I’m so afraid of Dawson Knox here

Love Booger saying Buffalo should run a draw and spike it on 3rd and 10

UprootedTexan 4:42 PM

I’m glad I’m not the only one who caught that.

bigfatdrunk 4:42 PM

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(BILLS KICK A FIELD GOAL. GAME TIED 19-19.)

UprootedTexan 4:43 PM

Kill. Me.

Kenneth L. 4:43 PM

I do not think I can handle overtime

bigfatdrunk 4:43 PM

Bojorquez was CLUTCH there.

Matt Weston 4:43 PM

Where are you when we needed you Angelo?

OVERTIME:

TexanRevJ 4:46 PM

This is wild

UprootedTexan 4:46 PM

The one bit of solace is that BOB can’t challenge anything in overtime.

Texans win the toss.

bigfatdrunk 4:46 PM

I love sending Watt out there solo. No dis on Watson - hardly - but it’s so apropos.

Kenneth L. 4:47 PM

Agreed

TEXANS POSSESSION...

Matt Weston 4:48 PM

I wish nobody could win. I love these two quarterbacks too much.

UprootedTexan 4:48 PM

Let’s end this quickly. WITH A WIN I MEAN!

Tunsilitis.

bigfatdrunk 4:49 PM

No CHUM, so that’s a good start.

CHUM on 2nd down. Pure BOB.

UprootedTexan 4:50 PM

You were saying?

bigfatdrunk 4:51 PM

OMG! FELLS!

UprootedTexan 4:51 PM

We’re [kitten]ed.

bigfatdrunk 4:51 PM

CHUMs kill.

BILLS POSSESSION...

Kenneth L. 4:52 PM

[Kitten]

Matt Weston 4:52 PM

I love watching the Bills secondary run to different spots after the snap. I have no idea what it means, but I love it.

bigfatdrunk 4:53 PM

Allen is throwing dead ducks all over the field. That looked like Keenum.

UprootedTexan 4:53 PM

There were 27 Texans who were able to catch that and none came down with it.

bigfatdrunk 4:54 PM

Knox, Matt?

Matt Weston 4:54 PM

hahahahahahaah that was Patrick DiMarco

holy [kitten]

he’s a [kitten] among men

bigfatdrunk 4:54 PM

Hargreaves is GREAT at missing tackles.

Kenneth L. 4:54 PM

Missed tackles

UprootedTexan 4:54 PM

If you want to know a COD for the Texans season, whenever that happens, it will be because of missed tackles.

Matt Weston 4:55 PM

This is the most Josh Allen as [kitten] ever. There is no limit the bounds of his spirit and his existence.

Kenneth L. 4:56 PM

Reminder. Our average score per game without Fuller is 19. Which is right on line here

Matt Weston 4:58 PM

3rd and 9 they rush 3 and Allen jukes out BIG PLAY BARKEVIOUS MINGO

bigfatdrunk 5:00 PM

Uhhh, that didn’t look so bad.

TEXANS POSSESSION...

Jeremy Brener 5:02 PM

just let the titans and patriots advance

bigfatdrunk 5:02 PM

Why do I think this game is going to end in a pick 6?

Kenneth L. 5:02 PM

Somebody make a [kitten] play

Matt Weston 5:02 PM

I think Watson has this

bigfatdrunk 5:03 PM

Not by Watson, necessarily, but still.

UprootedTexan 5:03 PM

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

bigfatdrunk 5:03 PM

Another 1st down CHUM.

CHUMs kill.

Kenneth L. 5:04 PM

That was a great blitz

UprootedTexan 5:04 PM

I have a headache.

You might have to make two sack tracker posts, Kenneth, if this keeps up.

bigfatdrunk 5:04 PM

DUKE!

UprootedTexan 5:05 PM

I’ll be [kitten]ed.

bigfatdrunk 5:06 PM

That’s a first.

UprootedTexan 5:07 PM

We know next score wins Joe.

[Durga] help us if this comes down to a Ka’imi Fairbairn kick.

Matt Weston 5:08 PM

I’m already praying for Diehard Chris.

Jeremy Brener 5:09 PM

KENNY!

bigfatdrunk 5:09 PM

Another [kitten] CHUM.

[Ed. Note: THE. PLAY. Again, thanks to Rivers.]

OMG DESHAUN WATSON!!!

UprootedTexan 5:10 PM

DESHAUN WATSON IS A [KITTEN] WIZARD!!!!

Kenneth L. 5:10 PM

[KITTEN]MODE

Jeremy Brener 5:10 PM

you may cross off taiwan jones winning the game off your bingo card

Matt Weston 5:11 PM

That was the greatest play I’ve ever seen

UprootedTexan 5:11 PM

I think I’m gonna faint.

Matt Weston 5:11 PM

That was the helmet catch

Kenneth L. 5:11 PM

I was literally thinking who the hell is at WR right there

UprootedTexan 5:12 PM

No, why? What?

It’s first and goal, why are we going FG now?

TexanRevJ 5:12 PM

Deshaun Watson is the Texans

(KA’IMI FAIRBAIRN FIELD GOAL IS GOOD! TEXANS WIN 22-19!)

bigfatdrunk 5:13 PM

What a helluva game to get motorboated next week.

Kenneth L. 5:14 PM

Let’s gooooo

Jeremy Brener 5:14 PM

did we win?

or did we just not lose?

bigfatdrunk 5:14 PM

I’m ready to erect a Deshaun Watson statue now.

Kenneth L. 5:15 PM

Let’s do it

Wow what a game

bigfatdrunk 5:16 PM

I love Watson so very much.

Kenneth L. 5:17 PM

Taiwan Jones comes on the field for zero reason and makes the play of the decade

Note that the decade is 2020

Matt Weston 5:19 PM

Watson made the play of the decade. Jones just sat there.

Kenneth Levy 5:19 PM

Did we deserve to win that?

UprootedTexan 5:19 PM

Deserve don’t factor into it.

Matt Weston 5:19 PM

Nothing matters because Houston has Watson and Hopkins and just about anyone can win games with them. It’s all about talent and Houston has it. Well, until they play Baltimore next week.

UprootedTexan 5:20 PM

How many games have we deserved to win only to have it go against us?

Jeremy Brener 5:20 PM

bills came back from 32 to beat the oilers

texans came back from 16 to beat the bills

Kenneth L. 5:21 PM

So if it’s half as meaningful does that mean we lose next round?

GAME BALLS:

Offense - Deshaun Watson put the team on his back, I hate that cliche (shoots own foot), but it’s true. When the Texans had a 3% chance of winning in the middle of the third quarter, DW4 took over and pushed the Texans to a win.

Defense - Jacob Martin is obviously, without any doubt whatsoever, don’t even worry about it, better than Jadeveon Clowney and this is why we traded for him.

Special Teams - Until the Texans flipped the switch, Bryan Anger was set to be the MVP of the Texans’ playoff run. Fortunately, he’ll have to settle for a different entirely made up award.

Got anything to add? Say so in the comments! We got at least one more week of this when the Texans go to Kansas City for a rematch with the Chiefs.

Go Texans.