Hey there, folks! Contract Jack for Contract Jack’s Crazy Contract Emporium here to tell YOU we have too many cah-razy contracts!
The last guy here went on a spending spree and bought up TOOOO many contracts! And now we need to get them off our books and off of our lot! So we’re gonna round ‘em up and moooooove ‘em on out of here!
We need the draft picks, and you need to walk out of here with a contract for a big, solid, ultra-reliable Houston Texans football player to call your very own! No down payment? No problem! If you got draft picks, you got a deal waitin’ for you right here at Contract Jack’s Crazy Contract Emporium!
We don’t care what kind of draft picks you got. If you got ‘em we want ‘em! Now you might be thinking “But Contract Jack, I already have tons of contracts already, what am I going to do with another one?”
I’m glad you asked, friend-o! Because here at Contract Jack’s Crazy Contract Emporium, we are confident that you’ll find a player you want or double your draft picks back, guaranteed!
Just take a look at the fine selection of hard-working American made players we have available for trade.
Randall Cobb may be a bit long in the tooth, but he’s still got plenty in the tank to take your team to the promised land! And we’re willing to give him away, for practically a song! Just a lowly seventh round pick!
We need draft capital and we need it yesterday, friends! But we’re not done yet! At Contract Jack’s Crazy Contract Emporium, virtually nobody is off the table! Even our recent draftees are available for the right price!
Tytus Howard still has plenty of tread on the tires and is ready to solidify your offensive line in a heartbeat! And we’re not even asking for a first rounder for him. No!
Boom! A fourth-fourth-fourth round pick for this up-and-coming offensive lineman! He won’t be around at this price long, so hurry down today!
Oh! Not sure how he got there. But yes, even Vernon Hargreaves III can be yours for a sixth round pick!
No, we don’t expect a sixth rounder for Hargreaves. That’s the highest we’re willing to pay to get YOU to take him out of our hair, so to speak, and off our field!
But there’s more! If you come down to 8600 Kirby Drive between NRG Parkway and Westridge, you’ll get first crack at our top flight talent!
Even our All-World workhorse J.J. Watt is available for great trade to a team near you! Here is a first round talent and a wrecker of offensive lines!
And he can be yours for a third round pick! These are insane savings that I’m passing along to you for sweet, sweet draft capital!
This is the best offer you’re going to get for players of this caliber, I guarantee it!
You will only find high-performing, high-caliber, high-character players like this here at Contract Jack’s Crazy Contract Emporium, so come on down today!
At Contract Jack’s we’ll TAKE. YOUR. DRAFT PICKS!