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Totally Not Fake News (Now With Actual Sponsorship): Silver Medal Showdown

Second place is still placing.

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Sports Memorabilia Auction Featuring Kobe Bryant Game-Worn Items Photo by Handout/Julien’s Auctions via Getty Images

HOUSTON, TXComing off their third straight silver medal finish in Pittsburgh, the Houston Texans look forward to their upcoming match up with the Minnesota Vikings who, like the Texans, sport three consecutive second-place finishes to start the season. “Talk about a battle of evenly matched teams” noted head coach Bill O’Brien. “This is for who will be the king of the NFL Silver Medal matchup, and with the price of silver currently rising like it is, this will be quite the windfall for our team. That we will get fans in the building to cheer our silver-medal finishes, that’ll be so wonderful.”

After slugging it out with Pittsburgh, the Texans’ Head Coach once again had a ton of positives to take away from forcing the Steelers into their third straight next-to-last finish. “First of all, our defense is really playing well out there and making progress from week to week. Did you see what they did out there? They produced their best points-against result of the year! We improved by a full 5 points from last week, and we almost improved by a full touchdown from the season opener! Also, our rushing defense really made some great strides, holding the opponent to a whooping 73 fewer rushing yards than the previous week! We are getting the job done on D!!! I took such pride in their work, and clearly, they did too, especially since they just didn’t want to leave the field, spending nearly 40 minutes out there. Perhaps a little bit too exhibition-y, but sometimes, you just have to show off.”

However, always striving for balance, O’Brien noted, “Well, I know there was some concern about our starting running back [David Johnson]. He had quite a few carries on his body already, so with only 13 carries on Sunday, this bodes well for his future health. We are going to need his endurance for the upcoming stretch, starting with this Silver Medal game.”

Playing the Long Game...

As with any NFL game, there is always more than just the primary match-up of the teams on the field. You have two fanbases who are always ready and willing to mix it up on social media. Just look at some of these glorious exchanges:

Texans fans: Man, our coach sucks! An offensive “Sooper-genius” with a true franchise quarterback, and we can’t get more than 21 points in a game this year? You’d find more creativity in a pre-school art class. Fire BO’B!!!”

Vikings fans: No, numb[kittens], Zimmer is supposedly a defensive mastermind, and he couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag with both ends wide open!! The multiple opening bag would tackle better than our squad with this defensive set-up. Our coach sucks even more!!!”

Texans fans: Oh really, you’re bringing that weak [kitten] in our house? Have you seen our roster? Our GM is clearly the #1 idiot running any front office. This dude couldn’t even run a lemonade stand!!!”

Vikings fans: “What did you say? Have you SEEN the contract our dumb [kitten] GM gave our starting quarterback? Kirk Cousins has more guaranteed money for doing absolutely nothing…even the Greek government think he is a waste.”

Texans fans: “That’s so Pop Warner for GM suckiness! How about trading away an All-Pro WR for an overpaid washed-up RB, a 2nd round pick and some stale salsa? Hell, all the new [kitteny] versions of Madden wouldn’t let you make that trade, and on top of trading away our first two picks for a tackle who has more false starts than pancake blocks. Man, you guys are both dumb and stupid, just like our GM/HC.”

Vikings fans: “Well, ok, your GM is dumb, but you don’t know how bad we historically suck! Getting blasted in every single Super Bowl we’ve ever been in…and man, we just find a way to suck in all of our conference title games. How did we even get 7 pts against Philly with Case Keenum?”

Texans fans: “Boo-hoo, you whiny Scandinavian rejects!!! We haven’t even gotten to a Super Bowl, much less a conference title game!!! Shoulda hosted the AFC one last year, but we gagged a 24-0 lead!!!

Not surprisingly, the social media wars got to the point that the algorithms for Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Reddit, WeChat, and even Spacebook hit their thresholds to shut down all Texans/Vikings fan sites/message forums. Interestingly enough, SB Nation sites remained active, apparently since the traffic content on Coral did not rise to a threshold that warranted any special consideration.

As for other subplots, there is the rather interesting quirk that this game reunites everyone who was a full-time head coach for the Texans. At present, there is BO’B. For the Vikings, they hold two alumni: current offensive coordinator Gary Kubiak and senior defensive advisor for the Vikings, one Mr. Dom Capers, the original coach for the franchise. At press time, BO’B indicated that it would love to have a picture taken with his predecessors. “That would be awesome, to get us all together like that. A great moment.” [Google Anger Translator: So I can show who is the greatest coach in franchise history: Me, with a winning record, and those two losers, couldn’t even get to .500].

When asked about that, offensive coordinator Kubiak seemed amiable to that. “Sure, I am sure we can do that. Might be cool.” [Google Anger Translator: So that idiot wants to gloat, huh? How many Super Bowls has that chin-hole won? I took this team from the dumps, and ok, we had one bad season, and they canned me!?! Well, what do I do? Just go to Denver, bring my bro Wade Phillips to my old haunt, and win a [kittening] Super Bowl…even with the corpse of Peyton Manning as the starter. What did Chin-Hole do with my team after I was canned? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Oh, and that he took the bait I set out for signing [NAME REDACTED] for a [kitten] ton of money…priceless!!!]

As for the original coach [Capers]: “Eh, I’m game for that. If they want to do it, I am sure we can find away.” [Google Anger Translator: Only if they social distance us, like the length of the full football field. Bad enough I have to hear it from Kubes about the Texans, but then to see whatever that thing is on the Texans sideline? Ah well, I coached a team to a conference title, and I also have a Super Bowl ring. Remind me again what’s-his-chin has won?”]

The Greatest Texans Coaches In History!!! Times/UPI

There you have it. All the big stories fit to print for this upcoming game (assuming COVID-19 allows the game to happen). And now, a word from our new sponsor:

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