Hair of the Dog - New Nicknames Edition (Texans/Packers)

Well that was...special.

Look, I’m going to level with y’all: I have a splitting headache right now and I usually don’t like reliving Texans games, especially after draining losses like Sunday’s game against the Packers. So I’ll make this brief and mention that we created two new nicknames for two very special players.

On to The Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. With one exception. On multiple occasions, I added a tweet to show my feeling about the game and it has one long swear word in it which I can’t kittenize. Our sincerest apologies.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION

BigFatDrunk at 11:47 AM

Today for lunch, I’m having nature’s perfect food: chili cheese tots with tons of onions and jalapenos.

Carlos Flores at 11:51 AM

I’ve got two slices of thin crust pizza with some left over cinnamon bread. I desperately need to go to the grocery store.

Matt Weston at 11:53 AM

[kitten]it it’s going to be streaming day since the Texans and Cowboys are on at the same time. I think the lord is telling me to TITAN UP instead.

UprootedTexan at 12:01 PM

I think this is going to be a theme in today’s game. Call it a hunch.

Carlos Flores at 12:02 PM

That’s the theme of BOB’s tenure.

BigFatDrunk at 12:02 PM

Oh kitten kitten. Same, Big Matt.

FIRST QUARTER

(Packers first possession)

BigFatDrunk at 12:03 PM

Now, your weekly reminder that BOB killed the Houston Texans for a solid decade with his stupidity and incompetence.

Matt Weston at 12:03 PM

What are you talking about, stopping the Packers is easy, you just need the best ILB combo in the league, an athletic secondary that can play aggressive and run with GBs deep chances, and a blitz scheme that can corner Rodgers in the pocket. Every team has a defense just like this.

UprootedTexan at 12:03 PM

Oh the Texans are in their color rush jerseys today?

Third and short, this can’t miss.

Carlos Flores at 12:05 PM

Wow, I can’t believe Whit actually chased Rodgers down.

LOL HANDS TO THE FACE ON MURRAY

BigFatDrunk at 12:05 PM

Big Matt, we only have players that are tough, smart, and dependable. Whether or not they can play football isn’t really important.

UprootedTexan at 12:05 PM

Good news, we sacked him. Bad news, we touched Aaron Rodgers which is an automatic penalty.

Carlos Flores at 12:05 PM

What a scrub.

BigFatDrunk at 12:05 PM

Also, too, the team isn’t all that smart.

Matt Weston at 12:05 PM

lmao go texans

UprootedTexan at 12:05 PM

Their GRIT factor is OFF THE CHARTS!

Carlos Flores at 12:06 PM

Why is that man doing the surrender cobra? No one should be doing the surrender cobra against the Texans.

BigFatDrunk at 12:07 PM

Thanks for being right on cue, y’all!

UprootedTexan at 12:07 PM

Oh, so it’s going to be THAT game.

Carlos Flores at 12:09 PM

The Packers are just slicing and dicing right now. Rodgers is going to eat this secondary alive.

LOL that almost worked.

UprootedTexan at 12:11 PM

It’s third down, it’ll work now.

(Packers touchdown, Packers lead 7-0)

Carlos Flores at 12:11 PM

Davante Adams was wide open.

UprootedTexan at 12:11 PM

Honestly, I’m only surprised it took them this long to score.

Carlos Flores at 12:12 PM

Philip Gaines has rubber ankles.

UprootedTexan at 12:12 PM

The entire coaching staff/front office needs to be purged. Even the interns.

Carlos Flores at 12:14 PM

Philip Gaines was tripping, stumbling, falling in love with Davante Adams.

UprootedTexan at 12:14 PM

Let’s put it this way, you might want to watch highlights of Indiana/Penn State instead.

Carlos Flores at 12:14 PM

OOF

BigFatDrunk at 12:14 PM

On zing.

Joe Critz at 12:14 PM

hahaha

it’s okay pittsburgh just scored

i’m just a steelers fan so the penn state loss doesn’t apply to me

(Texans first possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:15 PM

I just don’t understand how UH finally conquered their triple option woes, but lose a very winnable game against BYU last week.

Joe Critz at 12:15 PM

clowney just got blocked by vance mcdonald

i think clowney might actually be really bad

Matt Weston at 12:16 PM

I’m going to fly up to PA and kick your [kitten]

He’s just out of shape!

Joe Critz at 12:17 PM

he’s just [kitten]!

Carlos Flores at 12:17 PM

Duke Johnson just got murdered on 3rd down. My [Durga].

Absolutely terrible call.

UprootedTexan at 12:18 PM

The Stealers/BESFs game is on the big screen at the bar here. My wife said she might have thought the Texans would be on there because they’re playing the Packers. I just laughed. Loudly. Bitterly.

That was fast.

(Packers second possession)

Joe Critz at 12:18 PM

at least aaron jones isn’t here to make things worse

Matt Weston at 12:19 PM

Zach Fulton with a limp wristed redditor pull on that power run play

Carlos Flores at 12:21 PM

I want a State Farm commercial where they have Jake in a holding cell, strapped to a chair, and being interrogated about the “Rodgers Rate” and how it can be found.

UprootedTexan at 12:22 PM

Picturing Rodgers with bamboo shoots shoved under his fingernails sparks joy in me, for some reason.

Wow, a stop! Surprised they’re not going for it here.

::imaginary contrarian:: But they’re on the wrong side of the field.

Me: I know, that was the joke.

(Texans second possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:24 PM

It would be on brand for a decent DeAndre Carter kick to be penalized lol.

UprootedTexan at 12:24 PM

Yep, definitely 100% THAT GAME.

Carlos Flores at 12:26 PM

They keep trying to convince people that Whopper meat is real. All they have to do is own the fact that it’s meat colored sponge and call it a day.

BigFatDrunk at 12:27 PM

Whataburger = trash.

UprootedTexan at 12:27 PM

::sees ad for World Series::

This doesn’t look like anything to me.

Joe Critz at 12:27 PM

i’ve never had whataburger

Matt Weston at 12:27 PM

Titans fans are wearing Burger King crowns to games now, which is beautiful, and these are my people, and that is wear I came from

Carlos Flores at 12:27 PM

BFD, I’m going to personally shoot you into the sun.

UprootedTexan at 12:27 PM

BFD, I’m going to exclude that from the post so that you don’t have an angry mob at your house on Monday.

Carlos Flores at 12:28 PM

Actually UT, the ending to last night’s game was CRAZY. Dodgers lost on an error at home plate.

UprootedTexan at 12:28 PM

THERE IS NO BASEBALL. BASEBALL ENDED WHEN THE ALCS DID.

Joe Critz at 12:29 PM

that was such an amazing ending

UprootedTexan at 12:29 PM

Also the Astros did nothing wrong.

Joe Critz at 12:29 PM

i watched that live and nearly lost my mind

one day the pirates will remember how to win again

one day...

Matt Weston at 12:29 PM

empty sets forever and ever and ever and forever

UprootedTexan at 12:30 PM

That said, if there is baseball going on, I’d laugh my [kitten] off if MLB engineered an entire scandal to delegitimize the Astros so the Dodgers could finally win a World Series only to beef it against the Rays.

Carlos Flores at 12:30 PM

When Andrew McCutchen becomes manager.

Joe Critz at 12:31 PM

screw the dodgers they had chance after chance they don’t deserve a world series

UprootedTexan at 12:31 PM

Exactly.

Joe Critz at 12:31 PM

they blew their chances like 50 times in a row and their time is over

Matt Weston at 12:32 PM

I thought I was going to hate David Johnson entering this season, and I hate him even more than I imagined I would. Him turning his back to tackle attempts is disgusting.

UprootedTexan at 12:32 PM

MLB seems to think they, the Yankees, and the Red Sox are the only teams allowed to win World Series with the occasional SF Giants title sprinkled in here and there.

Carlos Flores at 12:32 PM

That sounds familiar to a particular southern Oklahoma baseball team.

His spine is going to snap if he keeps doing that.

BigFatDrunk at 12:32 PM

Wait, so, aren’t we supposed to be talking about making our favorite Halloween displays instead of football this week?

Joe Critz at 12:32 PM

oh yes you’re right!

thank you for remembering

UprootedTexan at 12:32 PM

We haven’t gotten our pumpkins yet.

Joe Critz at 12:33 PM

except i already carved my pumpkin because i forgot and am an idiot haha

i carved mine into the halloween guy from animal crossing

(Packers third possession)

Joe Critz at 12:33 PM

kinda looks like david johnson tho!

Matt Weston at 12:34 PM

I’m glad someone is going to win a World Series in this dog[kitten] bull[kitten] new stadium since the Rangers are never going to

Carlos Flores at 12:34 PM

If you really think about it, Animal Crossing is just a story of indentured servitude.

Joe Critz at 12:34 PM

ur right!

UprootedTexan at 12:34 PM

And this is why Stardew Valley is the superior video game.

Joe Critz at 12:35 PM

INCORRECT

well actually maybe

but not as cute

Carlos Flores at 12:35 PM

It’s surprising me that Dillon isn’t just slaughtering this D-line.

UprootedTexan at 12:35 PM

The cuteness hides the insidious nature of the game.

Well that’s obviously coming back.

Wow, a penalty against the Packers.

Carlos Flores at 12:37 PM

Rodgers is just built different.

UprootedTexan at 12:37 PM

And it didn’t matter a [kitten] bit.

Carlos Flores at 12:37 PM

He had so much pressure coming straight at him and dropped a dime.

Joe Critz at 12:37 PM

i hate and love him at the same time

UprootedTexan at 12:38 PM

Well “pressure,” it is the Texans defense after all.

SECOND QUARTER

Matt Weston at 12:38 PM

Someone needs to put Vernon Hargreaves III down

Joe Critz at 12:39 PM

if his ankles get broken again, we’ll have to destroy him and turn him into glue

UprootedTexan at 12:39 PM

Eric Murray is a starting safety in the NFL because Bill O’Brien saw something inside him and paid millions of dollars for it. If I had to guess that “something inside” was gas.

Matt Weston at 12:39 PM

never turns to play the ball (FOX ANNOUNCERS) you can’t play coverage better than that

BigFatDrunk at 12:40 PM

That was such a stupid take.

Matt Weston at 12:41 PM

I don’t think Gareon Conley is very good, but the difference between him and Hargeaves III is like the difference between Baker Mayfield and Johnny Manziel

Carlos Flores at 12:41 PM

Roby is being looked at? Crap.

BigFatDrunk at 12:42 PM

Gaines = Toast.

(Packers touchdown. Packers lead 14-0)

Joe Critz at 12:42 PM

mmmm toast

pain

UprootedTexan at 12:42 PM

Carlos Flores at 12:43 PM

That looks like it’s in Katy.

Matt Weston at 12:43 PM

WoooHOOO a Furburger touchdown

UprootedTexan at 12:44 PM

It’s somewhere in Houston, I’m not sure where though.

Joe Critz at 12:44 PM

what in the world is happening in that video haha

UprootedTexan at 12:45 PM

Some lawn service guy offered to cut down a 60 foot tree in one of his clients’ yards despite having literally no experience in cutting down trees. And this was the result.

l4blitzer at 12:45 PM

My wife (listening to the game with me): “What’s wrong with the Texans?” and “Why do you torture yourself with this?” Those are questions that both have long extended answers and no answers.

(Texans third possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:47 PM

My pops is a landscaper. Let me tell you, how they manage to cut down these 60-70 foot trees in Cinco Ranch without causing damage to any houses is absolutely mind-boggling. I have no idea how they do it.

Joe Critz at 12:47 PM

it really is, too

we had some big maples cut around our house and it was impressive how carefully they cut it so that it would fall in the exact space to not hit anything

makes for a very satisfying trigonometry equation

UprootedTexan at 12:49 PM

My neighbor, when she was still alive, paid someone to cut down a tree in her backyard; wasn’t big maybe a 30 foot tree. The dude took down all the branches and left the trunk intact and never came back to finish the job.

BigFatDrunk at 12:50 PM

The David Johnson trade is just as bad as I thought it would be.

Joe Critz at 12:50 PM

and since then there’s been much fewer stink bugs in our house around fall/winter

WHAT

UprootedTexan at 12:50 PM

It’s basically a big pole in the backyard and swarmed with ivy.

Joe Critz at 12:50 PM

oh my goodness how terrible

(Packers fourth possession)

BigFatDrunk at 12:50 PM

WE DON’T NEED TO ESTABLISH THE RUN TO PASS!

Matt Weston at 12:50 PM

Z’Darius Smith is like if Jadeveon Clowney was box score good

UprootedTexan at 12:50 PM

#RunningIsWinning

Joe Critz at 12:50 PM

i smell the chum in the air

l4blitzer at 12:52 PM

Guess the offensive staff decided to rewatch the game against TEN where Miller broke off the 97 yard run, and feeling that they needed big plays, they are trying to replicate the past to get the huge score.

UprootedTexan at 12:52 PM

o/~ Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan you feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel the CHUUUUUUUUUUUUM toniiiiiiiiiight (toniiiiiiiiight)...o/~

Carlos Flores at 12:52 PM

I want Sam Elliot to be my president.

Matt Weston at 12:52 PM

o/~ I WAS DYING IN YOUR CHUM TONIGHT o/~

UprootedTexan at 12:53 PM

He might be better.

Joe Critz at 12:53 PM

UT u read my mind hahaha

Carlos Flores at 12:53 PM

If Rodgers led Tonyan, he might have gotten another 20 yards on that play.

UprootedTexan at 12:55 PM

o/~ I can feel the CHUM in the air tonight. Oh lord.... o/~

BigFatDrunk at 12:55 PM

Kitten Bill O’Brien.

UprootedTexan at 12:55 PM

They’re going for it, aren’t they?

Joe Critz at 12:55 PM

no please

Carlos Flores at 12:56 PM

The Packers do this pretty regularly. I’d have shot myself if someone jumped.

UprootedTexan at 12:57 PM

I wouldn’t have blinked.

BigFatDrunk at 12:57 PM

Why TK do you not go for it here? So very stupid.

(Texans fourth possession)

l4blitzer at 12:57 PM

“A short shotgun?”...isn’t that the same as a pistol formation?

UprootedTexan at 12:57 PM

Because they’re playing with their food?

Clowney just got a penalty. Lulz

Matt Weston at 1:00 PM

I [KITTEN]ED UP BFD

l4blitzer at 1:00 PM

Radio just discussed the Miller run

BigFatDrunk at 1:00 PM

LOLOLOLOLOL!

Matt Weston at 1:00 PM

We needed this a year ago

UprootedTexan at 1:01 PM

Hey a first down! That’s something.

BigFatDrunk at 1:01 PM

This team is so poorly coached.

Matt Weston at 1:01 PM

I gotta do a better job

UprootedTexan at 1:01 PM

How dare you speak like that about America’s teddy bear Romeo Crennel, BFD?

l4blitzer at 1:01 PM

Even on Shark Week they try not to overdo the CHUM

Carlos Flores at 1:03 PM

I’m old enough to remember when Rashan Gary and Robert Nkemdiche were supposed to be world-beating defenders at the professional level.

UprootedTexan at 1:03 PM

LOL, free play and we still get sacked on it.

I remember when DeAndre Hopkins was a Houston Texan.

Joe Critz at 1:04 PM

sad!

l4blitzer at 1:04 PM

This game sounds dead on the radio. Does it look as dead on TV?

UprootedTexan at 1:04 PM

Undead, maybe?

Holy crap we’re in the re—::100,000 flags drops on me::

BigFatDrunk at 1:05 PM

This offense is so [kitten] sexy when they push the ball down the field.

Matt Weston at 1:05 PM

Bill O’Brien was in a black van outside the stadium calling plays until this drive.

BigFatDrunk at 1:06 PM

Yup.

Matt Weston at 1:06 PM

The only time they should every be in a singleback formation is when they are running play action.

l4blitzer at 1:06 PM

Holding on a pass play? Back to the CHUM.

UprootedTexan at 1:06 PM

Darth Chinius.

Carlos Flores at 1:06 PM

90 percent of this O-Line just watched Deshaun Watson get sacked.

Joe Critz at 1:06 PM

mmm this is a yummy game

UprootedTexan at 1:07 PM

Hooray we got back to the original line of scrimmage!

Carlos Flores at 1:07 PM

Deshaun is holding his knee. Oh [Durga].

Joe Critz at 1:07 PM

oh no

Carlos Flores at 1:07 PM

Ok, he’s jogging.

UprootedTexan at 1:07 PM

He looked like he was stretching something.

Carlos Flores at 1:08 PM

His knee is getting checked out.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn missed a 41-yard field goal, because why not. Packers lead 14-0)

Joe Critz at 1:08 PM

COME ON MAN

i was feeling kinda good now that cobb got involved

Matt Weston at 1:08 PM

Laremy Tunsil getting beat by a swim move inside, and giving up the sack because he can’t recover since David Johnson is in the way is peak 2020 Texans

UprootedTexan at 1:08 PM

Carlos Flores at 1:08 PM

“FAirBairn Is A tOP THreE kIckER”

(Packers fifth possession)

Joe Critz at 1:09 PM

man oh man

l4blitzer at 1:09 PM

Radio discussing the struggles of the team on the last drive “That is 2020.” Yep

UprootedTexan at 1:10 PM

Watson looks like normal on the bench, so hopefully it was nothing to be concerned about.

And 2019. And 2018. And 2017. And—I can keep going on, really.

TWO MINUTE WARNING

l4blitzer at 1:11 PM

Just to be safe, the team will call more CHUMs on offense. Got to protect the franchise.

UprootedTexan at 1:11 PM

Why is The Masked Singer?

Matt Weston at 1:12 PM

I don’t like the Texans color rush jerseys. They’re some Old Navy [kitten] bull[kitten].

UprootedTexan at 1:12 PM

They could be worse. Remember the Jags’ color rush jerseys?

Matt Weston at 1:13 PM

I love those though. I can’t think of anything that better exemplifies the Jags than litter box yellow.

UprootedTexan at 1:13 PM

l4blitzer at 1:13 PM

Was trying to forget those...

BigFatDrunk at 1:13 PM

The [Kitten]y Kitties!

Matt Weston at 1:14 PM

I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE GOOD LIFE

BigFatDrunk at 1:14 PM

My [kitten] this defense is awful.

UprootedTexan at 1:15 PM

Maybe we should dedicate the rest of this thread to [kitten]ing on the Jags because they’ll, on average, be worse off than us always.

Carlos Flores at 1:15 PM

Jamaal Williams is having a nice time. Imagine if Aaron Jones were here?

BigFatDrunk at 1:16 PM

See, here’s the thing. We can’t stop screen passes because our offense can do them well in practice.

(Packers touchdown. Packers lead 21-0)

Joe Critz at 1:17 PM

pain

Carlos Flores at 1:18 PM

lol too easy.

BigFatDrunk at 1:18 PM

I’ve spent the past quarter playing with election odds. Better use of my time.

UprootedTexan at 1:18 PM

LOLOLOLOL, the shot of a 4/5ths empty stadium, which is half populated with Packers fans and the graphic “GET LOUD” appears on the ring videoboard around the stadium is the highest of high comedy.

Matt Weston at 1:18 PM

The only difference between last week and this week Green Bay, is last week the Packers played the Bucs, and this week they’re playing the Texans. That’s it.

Joe Critz at 1:18 PM

marcus marriota on that picture is hurting my brain

Matt Weston at 1:19 PM

$10 million a year Eric Murray can’t cover Malik Turner

Joe Critz at 1:19 PM

please don’t let justin herbert end up like mariota

UprootedTexan at 1:19 PM

HE HAS GRIT, JOE!!! DOESN’T ANYBODY GET THE GRITTINESS OF ERIC MURRAY?!

HALFTIME REACTIONS

Joe Critz at 1:20 PM

GRITTY

l4blitzer at 1:20 PM

There is nothing positive for the Texans from this game to date, correct?

UprootedTexan at 1:20 PM

I wanted Mariota to succeed until the moment Tennessee drafted him. Then I knew he had to die.

Joe Critz at 1:20 PM

HAHAHAHAHA

oh my [Durga] that just made me actually laugh

UprootedTexan at 1:20 PM

Nobody’s injured yet.

That’s it, that’s all I got.

Joe Critz at 1:21 PM

worded like and old farmer talking about finding one of the livestock half eaten by some wolves or something

BigFatDrunk at 1:21 PM

We didn’t have the money to pay guys like Duane Brown, DeAndre Hopkins, Jadeveon Clowney, and DJ Reader, but we had plenty of money to pay the likes of Eric Murray, Whitney Mercilus, Randall Cobb, and David Johnson.

Joe Critz at 1:21 PM

“that’s when i knew he had to die”

l4blitzer at 1:21 PM

Someone get a few fifths of Jack Daniels to the broadcasters. They are going to need it.

Carlos Flores at 1:21 PM

The Southern Oklahoma team is getting killed by Washington, so all I want for us is to not lose as badly.

l4blitzer at 1:23 PM

At this point, I am just wondering if Easterby is chatting in back rooms of NRG to work some sort of trade conditions for Texans players with Green Bay execs.

UprootedTexan at 1:25 PM

Wouldn’t it be funny if Easterby fired Romeo Crennel after this game?

Carlos Flores at 1:25 PM

Man, Pancakes is really going in on the team on Twitter. I guess now that BOB is gone, his muzzle is off.

Matt Weston at 1:26 PM

I don’t even think HOU’s skill players are very good and they have like $45 million in cap space devoted to this position group. Trade them for 4-5-6 round picks and move the [kitten] on.

Joe Critz at 1:28 PM

i agree, man. and i had high hopes for this season but like this is just not good

i was hoping that everything would gel together perfectly but this is all just really bad

cuz I still think cooks is great and cobb is starting quality, was hoping the addition of fuller and watson would make something exciting, but it’s not working

Carlos Flores at 1:29 PM

It’s ok, Joe. I predicted this team would go 11-5. That dream is going to die in about an hour.

UprootedTexan at 1:29 PM

Just saw someone refer to David Johnson as “The Enron Back.”

I would like to make a motion, therefore, to rename David Johnson as Enron Johnson. Can I get a second?

Joe Critz at 1:29 PM

seconded!

Matt Weston at 1:30 PM

Listen to Battle Red Radio (Houston Texans Podcast)

Joe Critz at 1:30 PM

next time we record i’m gonna scream battle red radio

Carlos Flores at 1:30 PM

Landry Locker. I vote yay.

UprootedTexan at 1:30 PM

The best thing about the Texans being terrible is that I have literally no expectations of this team anymore to do anything productive this season. It’s very liberating.

Matt Weston at 1:30 PM

I had Houston as a #7 seed and them fighting for their lives for that spot because of MVP Deshaun Watson. Going 5-11 was more likely than 11-5.

UprootedTexan at 1:30 PM

That’s the guy, Carlos.

l4blitzer at 1:31 PM

Radio is hopefully for a second half spark like last week. Not sure we will get there today, but there’s always hope...I guess.

Matt Weston at 1:31 PM

I’m Pro ENRON JOHNSON and these Falcons jerseys today

Carlos Flores at 1:32 PM

Eric “Waste Management” Murray.

Joe Critz at 1:33 PM

that’s good haha

they call me THE JANITOR

UprootedTexan at 1:33 PM

Nah, Waste Management actually carries away your [kitten] instead of dropping it, hot and steamy, right at your doorstep the way Eric Murray does.

Carlos Flores at 1:33 PM

I was looking at rolling with the fiscal scandal idea, but that works too.

UprootedTexan at 1:34 PM

Oh! I didn’t realize they had a scandal too.

Carlos Flores at 1:34 PM

Me neither, but apparently they’re a Houston company?

THIRD QUARTER

(Texans fifth possession)

l4blitzer at 1:35 PM

Roby has not come back out. Goody, more chances for our current secondary to excel at diving helplessly to stop GB receivers.

UprootedTexan at 1:35 PM

And that’s a two yard gain for Enron Johnson.

Carlos Flores at 1:35 PM

This smells like a 6 td game for Rodgers.

BigFatDrunk at 1:35 PM

Sample sizes. Just how do they work?

UprootedTexan at 1:35 PM

Much like magnets.

Carlos Flores at 1:36 PM

When a boy magnet and a girl magnet have had a few too many drinks....

UprootedTexan at 1:36 PM

I think that defender was trying to grab Enron Johnson by the goolies from behind.

l4blitzer at 1:36 PM

Are Kelly and Crennel just CHUMing to get this game over with and on to the bye?

Carlos Flores at 1:36 PM

Ah, the good ol’ Cleveland reach around.

UprootedTexan at 1:37 PM

I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if they were but I somehow doubt it.

Luke Beggs at 1:37 PM

The mindset is that of a sub teacher in the last class on a Friday.

l4blitzer at 1:37 PM

Radio guys struggling to justify all the running to start the second half

UprootedTexan at 1:38 PM

WE NEED TO ESTABLISH THE RUN IN ORDER TO WIN!

As someone who has been a substitute teach on the last class on a Friday, Luke’s statement is entirely correct.

l4blitzer at 1:38 PM

Kelly may still have relapses due to Clockwork BO’B

Joe Critz at 1:39 PM

maybe we’ll be like Washington of last year where we just run the ball like crazy so games get finished in record time

those 2019 Washington games lasted like 2 hours haha

UprootedTexan at 1:40 PM

Oh lord, what the [kitten] are you challenging LaFleur, this game doesn’t need to be any longer than it already is.

l4blitzer at 1:41 PM

Yeah, it was bad for WASH last year. Even the Post, which is all homer for the local team, seemed to only write about them because of advertising dollars.

Joe Critz at 1:41 PM

one day Washington will be good again

UprootedTexan at 1:41 PM

[Durga] I hope not.

I don’t want Dan Snyder to experience a moment of sports happiness.

l4blitzer at 1:42 PM

That will be the day that Snyder sells, which will be...which will be...be...

Matt Weston at 1:42 PM

I love calling them the football team. They’re competent linebackers and one more good cornerback away from being a really good defense.

Joe Critz at 1:42 PM

neither do i but i like rivera and i feel like they’ll be drafting justin fields

l4blitzer at 1:42 PM

Well, he can’t live forever, I think

Joe Critz at 1:43 PM

i’m still not sold on justin fields but i feel like as long as he has a good coaching staff and players around him, he’ll be solid

UprootedTexan at 1:43 PM

What are they challenging anyway?

l4blitzer at 1:44 PM

Green Bay working to lower the trade value for the deal with Easterby before they pick him in a week or so

BigFatDrunk at 1:45 PM

Will Fuller just threw the best block of the day.

Joe Critz at 1:45 PM

lets go fuller!

pancake machine

l4blitzer at 1:45 PM

Radio commentators all but saying stop running the ball with ENRON

UprootedTexan at 1:46 PM

Enron Johnson did a thing?

This is going to be an awesome field goal.

BigFatDrunk at 1:47 PM

I like “Enron” because he’s been a fraud since 2016.

l4blitzer at 1:47 PM

Innovative...using ENRON as a receiver

(Watson to Enron for the touchdown! Packers lead 21-6 with the extra point to come.)

Matt Weston at 1:48 PM

David Johnson is the worst redzone back I’ve ever seen

(Extra point is good. Packers lead 21-7)

UprootedTexan at 1:48 PM

HOT [KITTEN] IT WON’T BE A SHUTOUT!!!!

Joe Critz at 1:48 PM

woooo!

the chum tastes gooooood!!!

l4blitzer at 1:49 PM

GLORY TO ALL-AVOIDING-THE-SHUT-OUT OFFENSE!!!

BigFatDrunk at 1:49 PM

Via Brian Smith: Deshaun Watson: 16-19, 181 yards, TD, 123.9 rating.

You know, when you let Watson do things instead of wasting our time with CHUMs, good things happen.

UprootedTexan at 1:50 PM

Yeah, Watson is the only good part about watching this team.

(Packers sixth possession)

Carlos Flores at 1:52 PM

Great tackle by Tyrell Adams.

l4blitzer at 1:56 PM

If Green Bay is not allowing the play clock to get down to under 10 to kill the clock, they are just trying to run up the score

Carlos Flores at 1:57 PM

They didn’t get rubbed for a first down, they got smoked for a touchdown.

(Packers touchdown. Packers lead 28-7)

Joe Critz at 1:57 PM

man this sucks real bad

this is reminding me of the Baltimore game

just absolutely hopeless

BigFatDrunk at 1:57 PM

Eric Murray gave up on the play.

Matt Weston at 1:58 PM

lmao remember when Vernon Hargreaves III just needed to play press man coverage hahahahahahaha

UprootedTexan at 1:58 PM

$10 million dollars.

Joe Critz at 1:58 PM

BigFatDrunk at 1:58 PM

There was no pick, no rub. Just straight suck.

l4blitzer at 1:58 PM

What’s the cap hit for cutting Murray right now?

UprootedTexan at 1:58 PM

On an unrelated note, did y’all know that investors wasted $1.75 billion trying to make Quibi a thing?

Eric “Quibi” Murray, ladies and gentlemen.

Joe Critz at 1:59 PM

yes! i remember reading a interview of one of the founder that is some big whig hollywood producer

Carlos Flores at 1:59 PM

That’s absolutely perfect.

Joe Critz at 1:59 PM

he was so convinced quibi was the next big thing and it was so hilarious seeing how extremely wrong he was

l4blitzer at 2:00 PM

Didn’t Quibi at least have a decent show or two? I can’t find any positives for Murray...

Carlos Flores at 2:01 PM

AJ Brown is a freak.

UprootedTexan at 2:01 PM

If they did I couldn’t tell you what they are. I just remember the one where Rachel Brosnahan played a woman obsessed with having a golden prosthetic arm that ended up killing her.

(Texans sixth possession)

Joe Critz at 2:02 PM

I love aj brown but if he can commit to the steelers stomping the [kitten] out of the titans that’d be great

like tannehill and henry got the memo

BigFatDrunk at 2:02 PM

What Joe said. Man, love that guy. He is AJ.

(Packers seventh possession)

[Durga][kitten]it, why can’t I be rid of Peyton [kitten]ing Manning on my television?!

BigFatDrunk at 2:04 PM

[Kitten] Peyton Manning.

Matt Weston at 2:04 PM

I’m the only one who can say good things about the Titans here

UprootedTexan at 2:05 PM

Yes, Matt, we know your sports moral compass is flawed.

l4blitzer at 2:05 PM

The Mannings are inevitable. We shall never be rid of them. They will survive, even during a nuclear winter, they will be around, hawking anti-radiation gear to the few survivors and the cockroaches.

Carlos Flores at 2:06 PM

Have you seen the one in high school? I think he just had like a 7 TD game or something. They’re keeping him out of the public eye, though. Can’t even get an interview with the kid.

UprootedTexan at 2:06 PM

Yeah, Cooper Manning’s kid apparently.

Oh you almost sacked Rodgers that time, bless your hearts.

Joe Critz at 2:07 PM

the next generation of the manning dynasty

UprootedTexan at 2:07 PM

Hopefully I’ll be dead by then.

Luke Beggs at 2:07 PM

Man there was no way Gareon Conley was saving this unit.

(Texans seventh possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:09 PM

13-yard carry by Enron. This would have been welcome in the 1st quarter.

Joe Critz at 2:09 PM

INJECT THE CHUM INTO MY VEINS

Matt Weston at 2:11 PM

I’m excited for when the carnival comes into town next year and I can pay $5 for the chance to tackle David Johnson

Carlos Flores at 2:11 PM

Finally, Duke Johnson outside. Beautiful.

BigFatDrunk at 2:12 PM

So many easy yards from that, but we never do it.

UprootedTexan at 2:13 PM

Can’t wait for this upcoming field goal.

WAIT, HOW THE HELL IS THERE STILL AN ENTIRE QUARTER LEFT TO GO?!

Matt Weston at 2:13 PM

TITAN UP DADDY

Joe Critz at 2:14 PM

lmao

Matt Weston at 2:14 PM

[Durga] [kitten] I love Jeffery Simmons

Joe Critz at 2:14 PM

it’s okay tomlin is a better coach

BigFatDrunk at 2:14 PM

Durga hates us, UT.

Joe Critz at 2:14 PM

titans offense can’t do [kitten]

maybe we’ll get a pick six

okay well i was almost right

TITANS ARE [KITTEN]

Matt Weston at 2:16 PM

The Titans have a top 5 offense this year Joe. You gotta find something else.

UprootedTexan at 2:16 PM

That is how that play had to end.

Joe Critz at 2:16 PM

if they’re top 5 score another td against pittsburgh maybe?

(Ka’imi Fairbairn kicks a 38-yard field goal. Packers lead 28-10.)

Joe Critz at 2:17 PM

can’t even get a first down inside the 30?

Matt Weston at 2:17 PM

Pharoah Brown gets Deshaun Watson murdered

Carlos Flores at 2:20 PM

Did something happen to Andy Dalton?

(Packers eighth possession)

Joe Critz at 2:21 PM

i swear if big ben throws another interception in our own territory in this game i’m going to eat my own hands

UprootedTexan at 2:22 PM

America’s Teddy Bear (TM) Romeo Crennel.

(Texans block the Packers punt! Texans eighth possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:22 PM

BLOCKED PUNT

Joe Critz at 2:22 PM

LETS GO

Carlos Flores at 2:22 PM

Flag.

UprootedTexan at 2:23 PM

BLOCKED PUNT!

Carlos Flores at 2:24 PM

Beautiful. We’ll be starting with decent field position.

Matt Weston at 2:24 PM

BIG PLAY BARKEVIOUS MINGO?

UprootedTexan at 2:24 PM

He blocked it with his [kitten]!

Can’t wait for the field goal to go with this one.

Joe Critz at 2:25 PM

[KITTEN] BLOCK

l4blitzer at 2:25 PM

o/~ Back dat [kitten] up...o/~

Carlos Flores at 2:26 PM

I’m imaging your voice with those lyrics, and I’d pay a lot of money to hear the whole thing.

l4blitzer at 2:26 PM

Talk with my agent...

Carlos Flores at 2:27 PM

If we go four and out here, I’m going to scream.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn kicks a 29-yard field goal. Packers lead 28-13.)

UprootedTexan at 2:27 PM

Oh my [Durga], I was kidding about the field goal, guys THAT WAS NOT AN ASPIRATIONAL STATEMENT!

l4blitzer at 2:28 PM

It’s ok...3 plays and a field goal...we’ll be fiiinnnnneeee

Matt Weston at 2:28 PM

Watson has thrown behind his receivers all season

Joe Critz at 2:28 PM

goodness watson!

BigFatDrunk at 2:29 PM

Sheesh, those last three plays were atrocious.

Matt Weston at 2:29 PM

COWARD

Joe Critz at 2:30 PM

man...

l4blitzer at 2:31 PM

Maybe Clockwork BO’B did more damage than we thought...

Matt Weston at 2:31 PM

Thank [Durga] for everyone pestering Crennel for making the right decisions last week only to geld him today.

BigFatDrunk at 2:31 PM

THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING!!!

(@l4)

(Packers ninth possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:33 PM

Hargreaves is down? Who’s going to come in? Jon Weeks?

UprootedTexan at 2:33 PM

They’re going to clone Quibi Murray.

Joe Critz at 2:33 PM

quibi

l4blitzer at 2:34 PM

Can Cobb or Stills play corner? Oh, who am I kidding? Murray and Enron can line up at CB and take care of business

Carlos Flores at 2:35 PM

What is happening to the Packers’ offense? There’s been a bunch of drops and off throws.

Joe Critz at 2:35 PM

it was the same weirdness last week too

l4blitzer at 2:35 PM

Practicing challenging themselves

(Texans ninth possession)

l4blitzer at 2:37 PM

Am surprised that GB hasn’t gone all Lombardi and running the power sweep...”getting a seal here, and a seal here, and running...up the alley”

Carlos Flores at 2:37 PM

CHUM?! At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your stadium!?!

UprootedTexan at 2:37 PM

We’re only five field goals away from getting back into this game, no problem.

Joe Critz at 2:37 PM

STOP PLEASE

l4blitzer at 2:37 PM

Even sharks will get too wary of too much CHUM in the water

Carlos Flores at 2:38 PM

Deshaun is a superhero

l4blitzer at 2:38 PM

Radio guys about to throw their headsets out the broadcast booth

UprootedTexan at 2:38 PM

Deshaun Watson is trying to make every single play for this team because nobody else will.

Joe Critz at 2:39 PM

deshaun amazing

UprootedTexan at 2:39 PM

Holy crap they’re going for it.

Or not.

Joe Critz at 2:39 PM

hahaha

BigFatDrunk at 2:39 PM

If there was a play that embodied Watson putting the team on his shoulders, that was it.

Luke Beggs at 2:40 PM

Uhhh why didn’t we run a play there?

Matt Weston at 2:40 PM

Tim Kelly didn’t have a play for that situation

UprootedTexan at 2:40 PM

Carolina’s kicker was about a yard, if that, away from making a 65-yard field goal.

::stares at Fairbairn::

l4blitzer at 2:41 PM

Clockwork BO’B is re-asserting control over Kelly’s psyche.

Joe Critz at 2:41 PM

it is that time a year

spooky season

UprootedTexan at 2:42 PM

Go on and punt you cowards.

Carlos Flores at 2:42 PM

Dead play. [Kitten]it.

(Texans turnover on downs. Packers tenth possession)

Matt Weston at 2:43 PM

That wasn’t a dead play. The Texans ran the same speed option they ran on third down against Minnesota and in the redzone against Minnesota.

l4blitzer at 2:43 PM

Even the turf at NRG is backing the Packers today

BigFatDrunk at 2:44 PM

And Watson kept it. Perfect read by Smith.

I mean, honestly, that’s a [kitten] smart play by Smith there. Somebody watched tape.

l4blitzer at 2:45 PM

Green Bay, even with Rodgers, should just run the ball for the rest of the game. Even if they go all wishbone, they have no reason to pass at this point.

BigFatDrunk at 2:45 PM

What’s weird is the D has been passable in the 2nd half.

UprootedTexan at 2:45 PM

#RunningIsWinning

l4blitzer at 2:46 PM

Watt increasing his trade value for Easterby in the GB negotiations.

UprootedTexan at 2:47 PM

Holy mother of taco [kitten]s I hate this secondary so much.

So glad I had the Packers touchdown pre-written and ready to go.

l4blitzer at 2:48 PM

Two decent plays on D, but they have to be in the zone to get that third one?

(Packers touchdown. Packers lead 35-13)

Joe Critz at 2:49 PM

yeah this isn’t going so well

Carlos Flores at 2:49 PM

Haha not enough a shred of resistance there.

Joe Critz at 2:49 PM

also cbs cameras just exploded

Matt Weston at 2:49 PM

COWARD FIELD GOAL gets its revenge

Joe Critz at 2:49 PM

all their cameras started freaking out and they went to commercial

(Texans tenth possession)

l4blitzer at 2:50 PM

So, do we get the gambling degenerate TD?

UprootedTexan at 2:51 PM

Probably. The “morale booster” TD.

l4blitzer at 2:53 PM

I get that GB is going prevent, but the lack of urgency on the last drive from the Texans is that much more maddening...

TWO MINUTE WARNING

UprootedTexan at 2:53 PM

Kenny Albert: Welcome to the two minute warning

[Sun rises]

[Sun keeps getting bigger]

Albert: yes

[World engulfed by flames]

Albert: oh [Durga] yes

Matt Weston at 2:55 PM

that’s what happens when you kick a COWARD’S field goal

l4blitzer at 2:56 PM

Surprisingly, GB has not rushed for 100 yards...yet

UprootedTexan at 2:56 PM

They haven’t needed to when you have Quibi Murray and the rest of the Care Bears in the secondary.

l4blitzer at 2:57 PM

Actually, I feel that a number of the Care Bears could cover better

Matt Weston at 2:57 PM

The turnover differential is undefeated. TITAN UP DADDY

Joe Critz at 2:58 PM

[KITTEN] BEN REOTHLISBERGER

WE ARE GOING TO LOSE THIS GAME EXCLUSIVELY BECAUSE OF HIM

(Watson to Fuller touchdown! Packers lead 35-19 with the extra point to come.)

Joe Critz at 2:58 PM

PUT MASON RUDOLPH IN

(Extra point is good. Packers lead 35-20.)

UprootedTexan at 2:59 PM

That’s a good point l4.

::Cares-a-lot Bear knocks down a pass in the air with his weird laser belly energy::

Eric Murray: How’d you do that, Cares-a-lot?

Cares-a-lot: How’d you convince Bill O’Brien to give you $10 million?

(Texans recover onside kick! Texans eleventh possession.)

Carlos Flores at 3:00 PM

DID THEY JUST RECOVER AN ONSIDE?

WE NEVER DO THAT!

Joe Critz at 3:00 PM

what

WHAT

WOOOOO

BigFatDrunk at 3:01 PM

GREAT. We recover the onside kick in a game we have no chance to win.

Carlos Flores at 3:01 PM

Wow.

That fumble was actually impressive.

UprootedTexan at 3:01 PM

I wouldn’t worry about that now BFD.

Carlos Flores at 3:02 PM

I can’t believe it got that much airtime.

l4blitzer at 3:02 PM

[Tracy Smith subtly hides wand in his pocket]

Matt Weston at 3:02 PM

The Texans have gone from a great team with a bad special teams to a bad team with a great special teams

lmao I love football

BigFatDrunk at 3:02 PM

That’s a great way to end this game.

Just perfect.

(Enron Johnson fumbles in spectacular fashion. Packers recover. Packers eleventh possession.)

Joe Critz at 3:03 PM

you gotta be kidding me

i mean

FINAL SCORE: TEXANS 20 - PACKERS 35.

l4blitzer at 3:03 PM

Tracy Smith: I use my magic wand to give us a chance and the offense kittens it up...great.

Joe Critz at 3:05 PM

finally the refs do something against the titans

THE STEELERS WIN

EAT THAT MATT

Matt Weston at 3:09 PM

The field goal kicking finally got them. I can’t wait to watch it tonight.

Joe Critz at 3:11 PM

Oh my [Durga] we absolutely did not deserve to win that game after that 2nd half disaster

I’m sorry I just get excited haha

Matt Weston at 3:14 PM

It’s all fun man. There’s nothing to be sorry about.

No game balls today because I just want to go to bed because headache.