The Texans have entered into what is arguably the toughest test they’ll face all season. Their Week 8 opponent is... themselves?
Look, I certainly don't have Uprooted Texan’s photoshop skills, but you get my point. With the team on a bye, the fellas will have time for introspection so they can try to remove the stench of this 1-6 start. Just how exactly are they planning on spending their time off? We’ve got the entirely fake scoop here at Battle Red Blog.
“Well, under advice of my agent, I’ll be put into cryostasis for the entirety of our bye week! Although, I did hear him whisper that he would set the timer for 2026. If it works for Walt Disney, it can work for me!
Will Fuller V
“Since I’ve managed to stay healthy so far this season, I figured that I would spend my week off training to get even faster! I met this nice guy named Barry Allen and he told me that there’s this thing called “The Speed Force”. I’m not quite sure what that means. All I know is that if I want to really make this offense super vertical, I have to merge with it.”
“Look, all I want to do is go back to the ol’ log cabin and relax. There’s nothing quite like going home to Wisconsin! Where you can find the best cheese, cranberries, fur pelts, and.... bovine love juice? Yup! Nothing quite like being home. It’s not like I'm here to negotiate on my own behalf with the local football team. Nope. Not a chance.”
Lonnie Johnson Jr.
“Boy, this bye week could not come soon enough. I’ll be spending most of my days studying film and learning how to play safety, but my nights? That’s a different story. Some of you may remember that I worked with the “Footwork King” during the offseason.
Athlete: @Lonnie30johnson— Footwork_King (@footwork_king1) April 2, 2020
Lonnie is so locked in with improving his game that he doesn’t give a damn about what nobody else has going on. pic.twitter.com/eLDwKG5sx7
Well, I’ve got a fallback plan. I’m spending my nights learning all different kinds of dancing! I’m learning how to foxtrot, tango, waltz, samba, salsa, cha-cha, jive, Paso Doble, and bringo (one of these is fake, which one is it?). “Dancing With The Stars” has NOTHING on me, all thanks to these footwork exercises!”
Well, isn’t that all well and good? Hopefully everyone, including the fans, has a happy and healthy bye week. I’m sure that we’re all stoked to be able to spend time with family and take a breath from the rough start to the year. All jokes aside, losing like this can’t be good for the players’ mindsets. Let’s all take a breath and not have an aneurysm over Houston Texans football this week.