Hair of the Dog: The End (?) Edition (Texans/Vikings)

So...yeah. Look, I’m going to level with you. I had a lot to say about the game on Sunday. A lot. But as the day wound down, I just didn’t feel like I had the energy to make the same complaints about the same problems that we’ve seen the last three weeks (the last six years, really). It’s tiresome, for both y’all and for me. There’s not much new I can add to how badly Bill O’Brien needs to be fired.

But at 0-4, the chances of the Texans turning things around and making the NFL Playoffs are so thin they have body dysmorphia issues. Only one team has ever come back from 0-4 to make the playoffs, and that was the 1992 San Diego Chargers, who went from 0-4 to finish 11-5. Looking at the Texans’ remaining schedule, I’m not sure there’s that many winnable games remaining.

So while the Texans haven’t technically been eliminated from playoff contention, I would strongly advise not making plans to watch football after January; at least not to watch the Texans play.

But enough of that. Let’s get on to the Dog, where in the course of things we argue about the different kinds of Oreos that are available and the relative quality of our lunches at the time of the game.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work. The quality of the game, however, might negate all of that.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION:

Carlos Flores at 11:55 AM

Alright, what are the odds that the offense comes out with a CHUM to start?

UprootedTexan at 11:55 AM

Vegas won’t make that bet.

Carlos Flores at 11:56 AM

The house always wins, unlike BOB.

Luke Beggs at 11:57 AM

I can’t watch live so I’ll see you boys whenever Redzone decides that something interesting is happening.

Carlos Flores at 11:58 AM

It’s going to look like a Vikings highlight reel.

UprootedTexan at 11:58 AM

BOB’s 100th career game today, it should never have gotten this far.

FIRST QUARTER:

Carlos Flores at 12:02 PM

100 career games? Kill me.

(Texans’ first possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:03 PM

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

UprootedTexan at 12:03 PM

CHUM

Carlos Flores at 12:04 PM

alright, RPO!

UprootedTexan at 12:04 PM

And a three and out.

Carlos Flores at 12:04 PM

Tight coverage on Cobb there.

False start.

UprootedTexan at 12:05 PM

We’re very on brand today.

Carlos Flores at 12:06 PM

This is going to be a loooooooong game.

Bill O’Brien is in awe of how that PA was successful

UprootedTexan at 12:09 PM

I guess the one good thing about BOB being all powerful is that he truly has nowhere left to hide now.

Carlos Flores at 12:09 PM

Free sack for Mercilus.

Is it weird that I look forward to when the Texans play on FOX? The CBS graphics are just too boring for me.

BigFatDrunk at 12:11 PM

We aren’t even getting the game in Austin. Cokeboys, instead. Embarrassing.

l4blitzer at 12:12 PM

Having to follow the game on streaming radio...kinda of a old-new school sorta thing.

UprootedTexan at 12:13 PM

Injured Viking

CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM

Carlos Flores at 12:15 PM

Came in unblocked. Yikes

UprootedTexan at 12:16 PM

Thank Durga BOB got involved in the offense again. You can totally see the difference here.

Carlos Flores at 12:17 PM

Otherwise, we might have converted a first down at some point!

(Vikings’ second possession)

UprootedTexan at 12:18 PM

Ugh...

Second and nine and the Vikings convert and I feel nothing. I’M FREE! BOB HAS SET ME FREE!

Matt Weston at 12:21 PM

That was a cool screen play to Cook with Bradberry pulling wide.

Gary needs to share some of his stash with Bill

l4blitzer at 12:21 PM

Getting gashed by running game and short passing attack...the more things change...

Carlos Flores at 12:22 PM

Cook with the first down.

UprootedTexan at 12:22 PM

Let Dalvin Cook cook.

Carlos Flores at 12:23 PM

Like a knife through hot butter.

(Vikings score rushing touchdown, lead 7-0)

UprootedTexan at 12:23 PM

I should feel happier about fantasy points. I should feel anything at all, really.

Carlos Flores at 12:25 PM

You’re playing me this week. Everyone has a huge week against me.

Also, Kenyan Drake was fool’s gold.

UprootedTexan at 12:25 PM

Ryan Fitzpatrick is truly living his best life and I salute him for that.

Matt Weston at 12:26 PM

Kenyan Drake is good, Arizona’s run blocking is kitten except for toss plays.

l4blitzer at 12:26 PM

I know I am limited by radio here, but is the team playing as sleepily as the radio broadcast makes it seem like?

Matt Weston at 12:27 PM

One of the interesting questions entering this season was how much the Texans run defense would drop off without D.J. Reader. The answer is, from average to one of the worst ones in the league.

UprootedTexan at 12:27 PM

Yes, but at least BOB is back involved in offensive playcalling so that’ll doubtlessly turn around any second now.

(Texans’ third possession)

l4blitzer at 12:27 PM

Oh, well if BO’B is driving the offense, we should be up and at ‘em in no time.

Carlos Flores at 12:28 PM

That was one of the ugliest runs I think I’ve ever seen.

UprootedTexan at 12:28 PM

Not a bad catch by Fuller there.

I’ll be [kitten]ed, they got a first down. Through CHUM of course but they got it.

We really need a new acronym for CHUM now that Carlos Hyde is gone.

Carlos Flores at 12:29 PM

Thought catch for Cooks, couldn’t reel it in.

l4blitzer at 12:29 PM

A first down...how nice. BO’B is making a yyyuuuugggggeee difference.

BigFatDrunk at 12:29 PM

CHUM is like Kleenex. It’s tissue paper, but everybody calls in Kleenex.

Thank you, Big Matt, that worked.

UprootedTexan at 12:29 PM

HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW?

Carlos Flores at 12:30 PM

Deshaun had all day, but it was good coverage. Pulled a Houdini getting out of there.

UprootedTexan at 12:30 PM

Didn’t do a bit of good. threw to a completely covered Stills.

(Vikings’ third possession)

Luke Beggs at 12:31 PM

Deshaun Watson is in danger

Carlos Flores at 12:32 PM

Always has been.

BigFatDrunk at 12:33 PM

Smoked rib eye, then seared on the searing grill. Grilled okra, zucchini, and mushrooms. Your lunches suck.

UprootedTexan at 12:33 PM

I’m at Buffalo Wild Wings, that statement should be taken as a given.

l4blitzer at 12:34 PM

We just started the crock pot with a receipt that called for tequila...I am going to need to finish that tequila if I want to keep following this game, aren’t I?

Carlos Flores at 12:34 PM

Outback Steakhouse Cheese Fries and a loaf of their magical, mysterious bread.

UprootedTexan at 12:34 PM

@l4blitzer Probably wouldn’t hurt.

BigFatDrunk at 12:34 PM

I haven’t been there, UT, since they served me still frozen wings.

l4blitzer at 12:35 PM

Ok, just checking to see if my Texans’ fandom is still the same.

Carlos Flores at 12:35 PM

J.J. with a good stop

BigFatDrunk at 12:35 PM

That was much worse DPI.

UprootedTexan at 12:35 PM

I don’t know what that was from the Vikings, but okay, good luck with that ever again.

(Fumbled punt by DeAndre Carter results in Vikings ball, again)

(Vikings’ fourth possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:36 PM

DeAndre Carter will never touch the ball again.

UprootedTexan at 12:36 PM

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

Carlos Flores at 12:36 PM

Will Fuller will be out on the next punt. I promise.

l4blitzer at 12:37 PM

Wow, we have BO’B take over the offense play-calling, and the ghost of Marciano back on special teams.

BigFatDrunk at 12:37 PM

I have no idea why Carter is still on the roster.

Matt Weston at 12:37 PM

Carter has been doing this for two seasons now. None of this is new.

None of it.

Carlos Flores at 12:38 PM

The Texans will never be able to handle an end-around.

Joe Marciano is a man that I haven’t thought of in a long time. For good reason.

UprootedTexan at 12:39 PM

“I will not call an end-around

I prefer to ground and pound

I will do what’s best for the team

I will stick with my old running scheme.”

BigFatDrunk at 12:39 PM

C’mon, Vikings, put the season away.

l4blitzer at 12:41 PM

Terry Bradshaw just did a commercial for a Louisiana casino, and that was the most energy I have heard for this entire game.

Carlos Flores at 12:41 PM

This run defense is going to be legendarily bad.

UprootedTexan at 12:42 PM

Dalvin Cook is fun to watch...or would be if he weren’t facing the Texans.

BigFatDrunk at 12:42 PM

I’m going to work on my taxes the rest of the game. Can’t be any worse than watching this team.

SECOND QUARTER:

UprootedTexan at 12:42 PM

C’mon Carlos, this defense has miles to go before it gets to Frank Bush levels of bad.

l4blitzer at 12:44 PM

Wow, we are channeling all of the greatest hits for Texans coordinators on this reunion day for Texans HC’s.

Carlos Flores at 12:44 PM

Idk, UT. They’re almost as bad as Scott Stapp.

l4blitzer at 12:44 PM

Can we get a Chris Palmer reference?

UprootedTexan at 12:44 PM

At least BOB never needed a ladder to teach Deshaun Watson how to throw a football.

Carlos Flores at 12:45 PM

Thank goodness that Cousins didn’t know where the first down markers were.

(Vikings kick a field goal, lead 10-0)

Carlos Flores at 12:46 PM

Two scores down. Rivers mentioned this as being a huge part of the game.

Matt Weston at 12:46 PM

MY OWN PRISON rocks Carlos.

UprootedTexan at 12:49 PM

Look we all listened to way too much Creed when we were young. Mistakes were made.

(Texans’ fourth possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:49 PM

HIGHER makes my ears bleed. I’ll still sing my heart out, though.

1st down pass? Who shanked BOB?

l4blitzer at 12:50 PM

Wait, there’s movement (on offense).

UprootedTexan at 12:50 PM

109 total yards to 40. That’s...bad right?

l4blitzer at 12:51 PM

Convert it to meters, it won’t be so bad.

Carlos Flores at 12:52 PM

Wow, an outlet on a long PA? What’s going on?

UprootedTexan at 12:52 PM

BOB read my book.

Carlos Flores at 12:52 PM

No, someone had to read it to BOB.

l4blitzer at 12:53 PM

Either that or Watson decided that the mute function on the helmet mike works just fine.

Carlos Flores at 12:54 PM

Kendricks had a good read. Man, we had some momentum.

UprootedTexan at 12:54 PM

Nuts.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn kicks a 50 yard field goal, Vikings lead 10-3.)

Matt Weston at 12:55 PM

Holy [kitten] that was a great Erik Kendricks play

Carlos Flores at 12:55 PM

Was it Deshaun’s eyes that gave it away when looking downfield?

UprootedTexan at 12:56 PM

Wouldn’t surprise me. Still, [kitten]it, we were cooking finally.

(Vikings’ fifth possession)

l4blitzer at 12:59 PM

Radio broadcast just brought up the disastrous game of 2012. Such a positive message for this game.

Carlos Flores at 12:59 PM

Justin Jefferson is going to be big at some point.

Joe Critz at 1:00 PM

i was literally just eating some Halloween oreos

BigFatDrunk at 1:00 PM

Carlos is Nostradamus.

UprootedTexan at 1:00 PM

Now I want oreos.

Carlos Flores at 1:01 PM

Candy Corn Oreos?

UprootedTexan at 1:01 PM

He overthrew it, why are you shaking hands like y’all had anything to do with it??

Bite your tongue, Carlos.

They’re gonna go for it, aren’t they?

l4blitzer at 1:02 PM

Gotta go with the dark chocolate Oreos. Either that or the tiramisu ones

UprootedTexan at 1:02 PM

There are tiramisu oreos?!

LOLOLOL, fourth and one and they convert on a wide QB run.

Carlos Flores at 1:02 PM

Why would I bite my tongue, when I could bite into some Swedish Fish Oreos!

l4blitzer at 1:02 PM

I thought I saw an ad for those but haven’t seen them in stores yet

Carlos Flores at 1:03 PM

UprootedTexan at 1:03 PM

@Carlos OH [KITTEN] YOU.

l4blitzer at 1:03 PM

Cousins converts on a 4th down run...ok, let’s get back to the Oreos.

Carlos Flores at 1:03 PM

Swedish Fish Oreos is the only proper descriptor for this Texans offense.

UprootedTexan at 1:04 PM

Only because lutefisk Oreos haven’t been invented yet.

l4blitzer at 1:04 PM

And the orange candy peanut Oreos for this defense.

UprootedTexan at 1:04 PM

At this point, if you’re playing the Texans, why would you ever punt or go for a field goal on fourth and short?

Carlos Flores at 1:05 PM

What should have been a 2-yard loss turned into an 8-yard gain.

Ugh, Wendy’s is second only to Jack In The Box when it comes to the worst fast food burgers.

BigFatDrunk at 1:08 PM

Yeah, but they have the best chicken sandwiches.

Well, before Popeye’s new one.

(Vikings rushing touchdown. Vikings lead 17-3.)

UprootedTexan at 1:08 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I honest-to-Durga just joker-laughed in this BWW at that rushing touchdown.

Carlos Flores at 1:10 PM

Cook shook PJ Hall off like he was a flea.

BigFatDrunk at 1:10 PM

Hargreaves got facepalmed by Cook. LOL.

Joe Critz at 1:10 PM

not 15 minutes into watching the game and i already feel the pain

Matt Weston at 1:10 PM

Cook broke 4 tackles on that run

Joe Critz at 1:10 PM

fourth quarter thread is ready to go and i’m working on the postgame recap

l4blitzer at 1:10 PM

It may be time for those lukefisk Oreos...can wash it down with the extra tequila needed to keep up with this game.

Joe Critz at 1:10 PM

oh wow

tequila sounds good right now

UprootedTexan at 1:11 PM

Tequila doesn’t really go with lutefisk Oreos, you’re gonna need some aquavit for that.

Carlos Flores at 1:11 PM

This team is just one big pile of [kitten] right now.

Joe Critz at 1:11 PM

hahaha

if we lose this game like this i’m gonna need to get drunk

like big time drunk

BigFatDrunk at 1:11 PM

Go Vikings!

Matt Weston at 1:12 PM

GARY KUBIAK REVENGE

UprootedTexan at 1:12 PM

You wanna know how I got these scars?

Matt Weston at 1:12 PM

it’s [kitten]ing hilarious that he’s shown more interesting offensive looks this game with a [kitten]ny offensive line, two good wide receivers, and Kirk [kitten]ing Cousins

(Texans’ fifth possession)

Joe Critz at 1:13 PM

CAP’N KIRK

Luke Beggs at 1:13 PM

BigFatDrunk at 1:13 PM

DeAndre Carter didn’t fumble on a return. That should create some spark for the Texans’ offense.

UprootedTexan at 1:14 PM

o/~ Gary come back. You can blame it all on me. o/~

BigFatDrunk at 1:14 PM

No sense of urgency. None.

Carlos Flores at 1:14 PM

Kojima, that beautiful [kitten].

GARY COME HOME!

BigFatDrunk at 1:15 PM

Browns motorboating the Cokeboys, so that’s nice.

Carlos Flores at 1:15 PM

Beautiful ball to Akins. Slow to get up, though.

l4blitzer at 1:15 PM

Radio guys: Vikings thinking we are going to pass on 1st down? Uhhh, what? Do they not watch film? Do they not even read a play by play? We run on 1st down, and we run up the middle.

Carlos Flores at 1:15 PM

LOL, radio boys are just being honest.

UprootedTexan at 1:16 PM

They’re used to facing coaches who have a vague idea of what they’re doing.

BigFatDrunk at 1:16 PM

My goodness what a throw and catch to Akins.

Carlos Flores at 1:16 PM

Harrison getting thrown out is HUGE.

UprootedTexan at 1:17 PM

Wow.

l4blitzer at 1:17 PM

I do believe that is the first time I have heard the crowd get into this game after the ejection.

BigFatDrunk at 1:17 PM

WHOA.

UprootedTexan at 1:18 PM

Can’t wait to see this field goal.

Carlos Flores at 1:18 PM

That was a bad choice to try and force that ball. Redzone woes continue

UprootedTexan at 1:18 PM

Akins going to the locker room.

Joe Critz at 1:18 PM

oh no

he’s been our keys to survival so far

Carlos Flores at 1:19 PM

Missed Duke there, too. Deshaun is a little off today.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn field goal is successful. Vikings lead 17-6.)

Joe Critz at 1:19 PM

what a stinky score

UprootedTexan at 1:19 PM

GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

Matt Weston at 1:20 PM

COWARD

Deshaun Watson has been [kitten]ny today

l4blitzer at 1:20 PM

On alumni weekend, we are bringing back all of the greatest hits.

Joe Critz at 1:20 PM

it gives me the same yucky feel in my stomach that getting an orange marshmallow peanut on halloween did

BigFatDrunk at 1:20 PM

Cowards. Ah, Big Matt beat me to it.

UprootedTexan at 1:20 PM

Still so much time, Vikings could get another TD if they play it right.

Joe Critz at 1:21 PM

those marshmallow peanuts weren’t even that bad, they were just the purest incarnation of disappointment

UprootedTexan at 1:21 PM

Could be worse, Joe, could be those unmarked orange and black peanut butter candy things you get at Halloween that nobody ever eats.

Joe Critz at 1:21 PM

OH GOD

EW

l4blitzer at 1:21 PM

Eh, Kubes already has his 17...it’s all field goals from here.

Carlos Flores at 1:21 PM

We’ve been getting crapped on all season in terms of TOP. Bad run game will do that to ya.

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

(Vikings lead 17-6, will receive kickoff to start second half)

Joe Critz at 1:22 PM

those peanut butter things were so disgusting

that’s my halftime reaction haha

i bet o’brien shoves them into his chin cleft for safekeeping

Carlos Flores at 1:23 PM

The offense is as stagnant as it ever was. No one is doing particularly well. Defense tried, offense can’t get anything going. Dalvin Cook is going to continue feasting on this “sitting duck” defense. 0-4 is within our reach.

Matt Weston at 1:24 PM

The Texans have pillaged the talent from an all-time great run defense in 2018, haven’t added an above average starter to it, and have watched as time has zapped the ability of their current players. 2 TE sets are an affront to God. Deshaun Watson has been [kitten]ny, especially when throwing on the run.

l4blitzer at 1:26 PM

This team is auditioning as zombie extras for the newest zombie apocalypse movie. There was a flicker of life on O, but this game has the feel of being a massive slog for all involved. Perhaps the only saving grace is that Minnesota has not shown the killer instinct of seasons past. Still, barring some momentum changing play, I fear Dalvin Cook will cook, and it will be a suck week at NRG to prep for the favored Jags.

BigFatDrunk at 1:27 PM

Go Vikings!

UprootedTexan at 1:31 PM

Maybe Deshaun Watson just wants to go home and play Stardew Valley.

Joe Critz at 1:31 PM

okay so i checked and we are out of tequila but we DO have crown royal so it looks like ill be drunk tonight boys!

UprootedTexan at 1:32 PM

Drunj posting is best posting.

l4blitzer at 1:34 PM

PSA: The Texans are a leading cause of drinking and we completely agree with that. However, when mourning your Texans fandom, please do so responsibly. Do not drink and drive. Have a DD (preferably not a BESF or Cowboy fan) and don’t be afraid to call a cab. Thank you.

THIRD QUARTER:

Matt Weston at 1:36 PM

After a seventh kombucha and vodka, yeah, I’m on a bit of a health kick

Joe Critz at 1:36 PM

this is the quarter where deshaun has to decide whether or not he’s more like derek carr or more like aaron rodgers

(Vikings’ sixth possession)

Carlos Flores at 1:37 PM

I legitimately thought they might convert on that screen pass.

UprootedTexan at 1:38 PM

I swear I thought they were going to convert on third and 11.

(Texans’ sixth possession)

l4blitzer at 1:38 PM

If they had converted that 3rd and 11, it would’ve been 24-6 at the end of that drive, easily.

Joe Critz at 1:39 PM

you are absolutely right and i hate it

UprootedTexan at 1:40 PM

All that being said, Deshaun Watson is still a wizard.

Carlos Flores at 1:40 PM

Good pickup by Deshaun.

I feel a big shot play coming on.

UprootedTexan at 1:40 PM

Yes, where IS that vertical offense we were promised?

BigFatDrunk at 1:41 PM

Momentum momentum momentum CHUM.

l4blitzer at 1:41 PM

Runs up the middle are a vertical motion.

Joe Critz at 1:41 PM

NOOOO

every TIME man

Carlos Flores at 1:42 PM

Knew it.

Matt Weston at 1:42 PM

I’m really surprised Minnesota is leaving Yannick Ngakoue on Laremy Tunsil all game

(Deshaun Watson touchdown pass to Will Fuller. Vikings lead 17-12, with extra point to come.)

Joe Critz at 1:42 PM

WOOOO

(Extra point is good. Vikings lead 17-13.)

Joe Critz at 1:43 PM

let’s go fuller!

l4blitzer at 1:43 PM

Are there...are there signs of life here?

Matt Weston at 1:43 PM

That’s the first time that read-pass drag flat option has worked all season

BigFatDrunk at 1:45 PM

We always get teased that there’s something, l4. Then? We CHUM.

Go Vikings!

l4blitzer at 1:45 PM

How appropriate, the radio broadcast just did an ad for Jamison...perfect product advertising.

(Vikings’ seventh possession)

Carlos Flores at 1:46 PM

This was more of a Mickey’s game up till 5 minutes ago.

BigFatDrunk at 1:46 PM

Disagree. For the Texans, it should be Coors Light. It’s what we deserve.

l4blitzer at 1:47 PM

Well, there is a time and place for everything.

Carlos Flores at 1:47 PM

Busted.

UprootedTexan at 1:47 PM

Somewhere Tim just got really mad and ::looks at Texans game:: okay, madder than usual, and has no idea why.

What the absolute [kitten] was that?

Carlos Flores at 1:47 PM

It’s like a spidey sense, but for [kitten]ny football.

l4blitzer at 1:48 PM

This team cannot, CANNOT handle success.

Carlos Flores at 1:48 PM

Death, Taxes, terrible tackling.

UprootedTexan at 1:49 PM

The only reason they didn’t score there is because Cousins overthrew the crap out of that ball.

Matt Weston at 1:49 PM

Houston’s defense is TIRED

(Vikings miss a field goal, still lead 17-13.)

Joe Critz at 1:51 PM

LETS GO BOYS

LIFE IS HERE

Carlos Flores at 1:51 PM

Wow, lucky.

l4blitzer at 1:51 PM

That hold killed ‘em. I think they would’ve gone for it on 4th and 1

Carlos Flores at 1:52 PM

UT, you would have had me by the cojones if you didn’t leave Carlos Hyde in your lineup.

UprootedTexan at 1:53 PM

Story of my life, really.

Carlos Flores at 1:54 PM

BIG SHOT!

Good choice to throw it away there, but I didn’t mind the play call.

BOB has to stay aggressive.

UprootedTexan at 1:55 PM

Wow, beauty of a throw there.

Carlos Flores at 1:55 PM

[Kitten]it.

UprootedTexan at 1:56 PM

Field goal coming

Matt Weston at 1:56 PM

Houston is sooooo great at having a matchup advantage sitting here for an entire game and needing 40 minutes to finally exploit it

(Ka’imi Fairbairn field goal attempt is successful. Vikings lead 17-16.)

UprootedTexan at 1:56 PM

I hate being right.

GLORY TO ALMOST ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

Joe Critz at 1:59 PM

Man i woulda liked a td for fuller there

(Vikings’ eighth possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:01 PM

Dalvin Cook is at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

JUSTIN JEFFERSON.

UprootedTexan at 2:03 PM

PJ Hall has been a [kitten] of a pickup. Shame that sack meant nothing in the end.

Carlos Flores at 2:03 PM

Hargreaves is TRASH.

I love P.J. Hall. Great value pickup.

UprootedTexan at 2:04 PM

Sweet [Durga] I hate this defense so much.

Carlos Flores at 2:04 PM

No one wants any part in any form of tackling.

Joe Critz at 2:04 PM

pain

UprootedTexan at 2:04 PM

Cook looked so [kitten]ed he got tackled there.

Carlos Flores at 2:05 PM

BLACKLOCK SIGHTING!

(Vikings passing touchdown. Vikings lead 23-16, with extra point to come.)

Carlos Flores at 2:06 PM

Pfft. Roby got cooked.

UprootedTexan at 2:07 PM

Right now I’m imagining BFD as Rachel Phelps in Major League 2 screaming “YES YES YES THIELEN YOU STUD!”

(Extra point is good. Vikings lead 24-16.)

BigFatDrunk at 2:08 PM

/taps mic

Go Vikings!

Joe Critz at 2:08 PM

pain!

was about to say “wonder if hopkins is still grateful” since the cardinals are getting busted by the panthers, but also we’re staring 0-4 in the face rn

(Texans’ eighth possession)

Matt Weston at 2:11 PM

Hey now is the time to get the run going

FOURTH QUARTER:

Joe Critz at 2:11 PM

kill me

BigFatDrunk at 2:13 PM

The CHUMming will continue until morale improves.

UprootedTexan at 2:15 PM

That was fast.

Joe Critz at 2:15 PM

they have to be doing this to like prove everyone wrong and show that david johnson still has the juice

(Vikings ninth possession)

Joe Critz at 2:15 PM

what if i cry right now! what if i do that bill!? are you gonna run up the middle again?!

UprootedTexan at 2:15 PM

I will not run it left or right

Run up the middle out of spite

I will do what’s best for the team

I’ll stick with my old running scheme.

Joe Critz at 2:16 PM

okay i’m getting drunk

it’s happening

Carlos Flores at 2:16 PM

There’s no way that we’re actually getting a stop here, right?

Joe Critz at 2:16 PM

if anyone would like to join me, feel free

UprootedTexan at 2:17 PM

They overcharge for liquor here

Carlos Flores at 2:17 PM

Justin. Jefferson.

Kill me.

PHILIP GAINES.

Joe Critz at 2:17 PM

PAIN

UprootedTexan at 2:17 PM

Sorrow.

BigFatDrunk at 2:18 PM

Go Vikings!

UprootedTexan at 2:18 PM

Yeah, this is a TD waiting to happen.

Don’t tell me Dalvin Cook is hurt.

Carlos Flores at 2:21 PM

Didn’t matter.

(Vikings touchdown. Vikings lead 30-16 with extra point to come.)

(Extra point is good. Vikings lead 31-16.)

Joe Critz at 2:23 PM

Here we go boys

welcome to the end!

(Texans’ ninth possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:24 PM

Who gave DeAndre Carter permission to run?

BigFatDrunk at 2:24 PM

Skol Vikings, let’s win this game,

Skol Vikings, honor your name,

Go get that first down,

Then get a touchdown.

Rock ‘em . . .Sock em

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Go Vikings, run up the score,

You’ll hear us yell for more. . .

V-I-K-I-N-G-S

Skol Vikings, let’s go!

A CHUM. This is a parody of a parody.

UprootedTexan at 2:26 PM

I have to laugh that all of Texas except for Houston is showing the Cowboys game, and it’s an even bigger blowout than the Texans game.

BigFatDrunk at 2:27 PM

Down three scores. No sense of urgency. BOB football.

UprootedTexan at 2:29 PM

2nd and 23. Football is fun, isn’t it?

The bags over the heads are coming out!

BigFatDrunk at 2:30 PM

GOOD [DURGA] THIS PLAYCALLING IS AWFUL.

Carlos Flores at 2:30 PM

He’s given up. BOB literally doesn’t care.

That’s a nothing touchdown.

(Watson to Kenny Stills for the touchdown! Texans trail 31-22, with extra point to come.)

UprootedTexan at 2:32

It’s kind of a garbage time touchdown, but you take the happy feels where you can get them in Texans football.

Joe Critz at 2:33 PM

lets see what happen bros

hoooooweeee

(Extra point is good. Texans trail 31-23.)

Joe Critz at 2:34 PM

we got a shot!

(Vikings’ tenth possession)

Joe Critz at 2:35 PM

i really thought the vikings were going to the super bowl

man am i stupid

BigFatDrunk at 2:35 PM

We do. It’s starting to remind me of the Colts game in 2018. On the verge of defeat to get rid of BOB to a stunning victory out of nowhere.

Matt Weston at 2:35 PM

It’s unbelievable it took them this long to understand how to attack this Vikings defense. We’ve had these conversations for three years now.

UprootedTexan at 2:35 PM

Only if they face us every week.

Carlos Flores at 2:36 PM

PJ Hall had Dalvin Cook dead to rights there.

BigFatDrunk at 2:38 PM

And, Big Matt, it’s not like it’s going to carry over next week, either.

UprootedTexan at 2:42 PM

BOB: What the [kitten], when I take a leisurely amount of time to call a play I get yelled at but when the Vikings do it somehow THAT’S okay?

And there goes the last timeout.

Taking all bets on what BOB will say in the postgame conference!

Carlos Flores at 2:43 PM

Underthrown. Deshaun is going to make some magic happen and save BOB’s job, isn’t he?

l4blitzer at 2:44 PM

Where was the patented Kubiak play action bootleg rollout?

UprootedTexan at 2:45 PM

Down eight with no timeouts or sense of urgency? I don’t know about that.

Matt Weston at 2:45 PM

wooohooooooooo game tying drive opportunity

(Texans’ tenth possession)

Matt Weston at 2:46 PM

holy [kitten] they ran the [kitten]ng ball!!!

BigFatDrunk at 2:46 PM

Duke Johnson CHUM with 2:30 left down 8.

Joe Critz at 2:46 PM

aaaaaaaaAAAAA

Joe Critz at 2:47 PM

IM GONNA CRYYYY

l4blitzer at 2:47 PM

GLORY TO ALL PASS INTERFERENCE OFFENSE!!!

Joe Critz at 2:47 PM

YEESSSSS

its okay everyone pass interference saved us

Carlos Flores at 2:47 PM

Look at Cobb.

UprootedTexan at 2:48 PM

Unfuckingreal.

Carlos Flores at 2:48 PM

I hate this lol

Joe Critz at 2:49 PM

i’m feeling slimy

UprootedTexan at 2:49 PM

This really is a battle of who wants it less.

Carlos Flores at 2:49 PM

RJ had a really good point. We’re going to score, but not get the two-point.

UprootedTexan at 2:49 PM

And leave plenty of time for a counter.

l4blitzer at 2:50 PM

Ok, out of the 2 minute warning...gimme the ol’ #1 CHUM!!!

Matt Weston at 2:50 PM

Hey look! It’s that end of half offense that worked against Pittsburgh last week.

l4blitzer at 2:51 PM

(Actually, that might not be the worst call in this instance...which means it will be 4 straight passes)

Matt Weston at 2:51 PM

It really is unfathomable how warped this offensive coaching staff’s brain is by the caveman football they were birthed from in the 1990s

BigFatDrunk at 2:51 PM

1970s. 1990s was far more exciting.

Joe Critz at 2:52 PM

just get touchdown pleeeease’

UprootedTexan at 2:52 PM

Run. Run. Pass. Field goal?

l4blitzer at 2:53 PM

Ok, 1st run fine, but maybe a play action or a roll out on 2nd?

(Watson option toss results in loss of yardage.)

BigFatDrunk at 2:53 PM

HOLY [KITTEN] THIS PLAYCALLING IS AWFUL!

Carlos Flores at 2:54 PM

That was the dumbest thing i’ve ever seen.

UprootedTexan at 2:54 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Joe Critz at 2:55 PM

SAAAAAA

KILLE MEMEMEMEEEEEEE

l4blitzer at 2:55 PM

BO’B...a toss at the goal line?

Not a pass, but a toss?

(Will Fuller with the amazing catch for the touchdown! Texans trail 31-29. Touchdown goes under review…)

Carlos Flores at 2:55 PM

Wow. What a catch by Fuller

Joe Critz at 2:55 PM

FULLERRRRRRRRR

Joe Critz at 2:56 PM

1000 YARDS STEEL HAMSTRING REVENGE TOUR

Carlos Flores at 2:56 PM

Control.

Oh boy.

UprootedTexan at 2:56 PM

Did he have control?

l4blitzer at 2:56 PM

The radio commentator’s voice feels out of practice for cheering for a good play.

Carlos Flores at 2:56 PM

I think when it contacts the ground, it’s questionable.

Matt Weston at 2:57 PM

The ball hitting the ground on a Will Fuller touchdown is the funniest way to lose this game

(Call is overturned. Turnover on downs. Vikings still lead 31-23.)

Carlos Flores at 2:57 PM

We lost it.

BigFatDrunk at 2:57 PM

Doesn’t look like a catch to me.

Joe Critz at 2:57 PM

NOOOOOO

UprootedTexan at 2:57 PM

Sigh........

Carlos Flores at 2:58 PM

That tracks lol.

UprootedTexan at 2:58 PM

BOB: We would’ve won that game if the ball had gone out way there, Brian.

BigFatDrunk at 2:58 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

l4blitzer at 2:59 PM

Close only counts in horseshoes and nukes.

Matt Weston at 2:59 PM

Hmmmmmmmm I wonder who would have caught that pass????

BigFatDrunk at 2:59 PM

Too soon, Big Matt.

Joe Critz at 2:59 PM

the revenge tour is over

FINAL SCORE: VIKINGS 31 - TEXANS 23.

POSTGAME REACTIONS:

Joe Critz at 3:00 PM

the season is over

UprootedTexan at 3:00 PM

Furthermore I contend that Bill O’Brien should be fired immediately.

Joe Critz at 3:00 PM

but at least i’m drunk

BigFatDrunk at 3:00 PM

I’m still doing my taxes.

GAME BALLS - I reject the premise this week, so no game balls.

Okay y’all, you’ve heard us rant and kvetch. Now it’s your turn. Tell us what you think of the Texans’ latest adventure in footballery!