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Totally Not Fake News: The End of An Era

It’s over.

NFL Combine - Day 1
We’re Gonna Miss this Guy...
Photo by Alika Jenner/Getty Images

HOUSTON, TX – On Monday, the Houston Texans somehow managed to upstage an impromptu Monday Night football double-header by sacking Head Coach/General Manager/Grand Football Czar/12th Iman/High Inquisitor/Chief Mugwump/5-time winner of Big Chin Weekly’s Most Famous Chin-Hole Bill O’Brien. While the Texans, coming off their fourth consecutive second-place finish and managing to set a season high for points against the Vikings, had some concerns about their team, the move greatly surprised the league.

“Quite frankly, I don’t know why they would pull the trigger at this point?” noted one NFL executive. “I mean, he was doing such a great job down there. Putting together a team like that, managing not only the game plans but also the contracts, the draft picks, the concession plans, parking, generating so much material for satirical blog posts…he had it going on. Also, he was quite magnanimous in his efforts. I know our team was benefiting greatly from his actions. Dude was well on his way to unifying the league in thinking that he was the best overall leader in the game…especially for the 31 teams.”

“Already had my vote in for him as Executive of the Year.” noted another executive, although the glare from the South Beach sun was making it hard to see his face via Zoom. “He really did a lot for our franchise. Honestly, if he had stayed just a little longer, he could have set us up for something really special. I mean, like Dallas early-1990s special. It was getting to a point that some white-haired dude started calling us. I think it was from a satellite phone on a boat. Anyway, he said he had done this before, and after BO’B’s help, he said he could do it again. Perhaps, but right now, we will be okay. BO’B put us in a great place.”

9th Annual NFL Honors - Arrivals
Suspected White-Haired Dude
Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic

“Man, if picking a GM was like electing a president, O’Brien would be killing it” noted a rather drunk James Carville. “He was a shoe-in to carry Florida, which is always a battleground state. Had the North and East Coast of Florida all locked up. Yeah, Tampa and the west part of the state would have been competitive, but I think the Jacksonville/Miami contingent would have carried the day. He already had Indiana, Tennessee, Washington, Missouri, Maryland, Arizona, Minnesota and Pennsylvania locked up. I think if the season progressed, he was bound to pick up some other key states/regions, especially in New England, the Midwest, and he even had New York and New Jersey in play. I guess Michigan and Georgia might have fallen in place, but with him gone, I don’t know.”

Oddly enough, Carville was not so sure about Texas. “Well, ya see, Texas is a strange case. Definitely a red/blue divide going, especially between the two big cities. I guess he could have carried the state as a GM candidate, but as coach, might have been tougher. It all comes down to how he would’ve done in the debates. Gotta get those key points in, and…wait a minute, what the hell am I talking about? Who the hell are you? Mary!!!!”

Politicon 2019 – Day 1
Yes, that James Carville
Photo by Jason Kempin/Getty Images for Politicon

After quickly running out of the house, tripping over a lot of what looking like rejection letters from previous Democratic primary candidates, we made our way back to the Houston Texans offices to get further insight on their take on what happened and the firing of BO’B.

We were able to get some time with Texans CEO Cal (or is it Kyle? At press time, we aren’t sure) McNair. While we saw the statement, we wanted to know if there was anything else to add.

“No, I guess that is about it. Still…uh, just a moment.” Cal (or Kyle) took a large swig of what appeared to be a tumbler full of dissolved Alka-Seltzer. “Damn, hangovers are a pain. This COVID thing finally cut into my normal Scotch shipments. Happened right before the game against Minnesota. Usually, got my 4 Quarters/4 Tumblers system for the game, but man, without my Scotch, I was forced to go with Southern Comfort. Thought that was giving me bad hallucinations, but just finally stopped drinking and I saw what was on the field. First time I saw any part of a game sober. Yeah, uh, no, not a fan. So, made a few calls to my PR folks, got the statement, told him to get the f**k out, and that was that…now, if you’ll excuse me, you are talking too damned loud.”

NFL: DEC 08 Broncos at Texans
Not pictured: The Battle Red Scotch Tumbler
Photo by John Rivera/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

We also got a chance to speak with Team VP and Interim GM Jack Easterby. “Oh, well, I mean, I am truly sorry and…oh, who am I kidding? You are looking at the winner of the Game of Texans!!! You either win or die, and that Chin-boy is D-E-A-D!!! Talk about Red Wedding his as…oh, sorry, forgive me. Anyway, it was a move that had to be made. You hate to see it [note: this was said with a smirk] and I pray that he does well in the future…to remember who beat him.”

Bran Stark ain’t got nothing on me!!!
Photo by Marcus Ingram/Getty Images for Super Bowl Gospel

Others in the building had their take.

J.J. Watt: “Look, it is hard to see anyone lose their job, but it was just not working out. Besides, the problems of this season were starting to cut into my bigger plans. Allowing my brothers to get a win, and then having the audacity to challenge me in practice? Challenge me? On defense? Uh, no. Magnanimity is a good thing, but sometimes, remember you’re Machiavelli and show people you know how to throw down.”

Romeo A. Crennel: “Just looking to improve the team’s attitude. This ain’t my first substitute coaching job. Still, I think the players will work hard, and we will work hard. Now, excuse me, we have to take Tim [Kelly] to the hospital for further de-toxing.”

When asked about the de-toxing, Crennel did not answer, but an anonymous source later noted “Clockwork BO’B. Happened when BO’B took Tim down to some secure office. After that, anytime someone suggested that Tim call a play what wasn’t a run up the middle on first down, Kelly became violently sick. It got scary. Didn’t help that he also felt the same way when he heard a Rick Ross song. Fortunately, we got to Tim in time. He could’ve suffered Godsey’s fate.”

Yes! I will run up the middle on 1st Down! Stop the Rick Ross! It’s a sin!
Photo by FilmPublicityArchive/United Archives via Getty Images

Keke Coutee: “What? BO’B is gone? Hey, can someone let me out of here?! Please?!”

In case you forgot the last known location of Coutee...
Photo by Roger Viollet via Getty Images

Thus, the Texans find themselves once again looking for a GM and a Head Coach. Probably won’t be filled for some time, but until then, we will wait and see what will happen.

[Brought to you by BO’B’s CHUM Golf Balls…Still got a lot of this things. Please, get these damned things off our shelves. Please!!!! We’ll throw in whatever you want. Draft picks, more draft picks, every autographed variant of BO’B’s middle run play sheets. Please, help us...the for the love of God, PLEASE!!!]