Hair of the Dog - Big Pigeon Energy Edition (Texans/Browns)

I will say this about the Houston Texans: When they lose, they’re at least looking for new and interesting ways to do it. Because I did not see a 10-7 loss to the Browns in the cards. Don’t get me wrong, I expected the Texans to lose. In fact, with the possible exception of the Cincinnati Bengals, I don’t expect the Texans to win another game this season. It comes with the territory when you fire your head coach/GM early in the season; it’s pretty much a written-off campaign. Which is fine, really, because much like the Dodgers’ World Series title, this season does not count.

However, with the distressing rumors from Ian Rapoport that the Texans may just stand pat and stick with Romeo Crennel and Jack Easterby to be the head coach and GM going into next season, I’m worried. Now to be clear, I don’t believe these rumors for a moment because doing this would be, in a word, stupid. But I can’t entirely dismiss the possibility that it’s true because I still think Cal McNair does not care; not about winning, anyway.

If it is true that the organization is thinking of retaining Crennel and Easterby, this team can’t handle more of Jack Easterby’s reign. I love Crennel as a defensive coordinator; he’s pretty dang good at it. But a head football coach he is not. He has proven this conclusively twice now. Easterby is even less of a general manager than Crennel is a head coach.

This team needs a fundamental change in leadership. It needs an outsider perspective, one that’s in tune with what fans want and what they expect from the Texans: wins.

With that in mind, I’m formally announcing my candidacy for the general manager position for the Houston Texans. Again. I know, I made an ad stating this a week or so ago, but that was mostly a joke.

I’m not joking now. If the choice comes down to an inexperienced Bill O’Brien lackey who helped orchestrate the trade that sent DeAndre Hopkins to Arizona for nothing and a football outsider with a fan-oriented perspective who has a drive to build a team that fans can be proud of once again (that would be me), it’s clear who the pick should be.

It will require a mass movement of Texans fans putting constant, unrelenting pressure on Cal McNair and the Texans’ front office to fire Jack Easterby, who still refuses to debate me like the coward he is, and hire me to replace him. What’s in it for you, you ask? Good question. If I am made general manager, I will be wholly accountable to Texans fans. Every move I make will be solely with Texans fans in mind to create a dynasty to last decades. If I do a bad job, I’ll step down. Simple. But at least Easterby will be gone.

Will it work? I have no idea, but it’ll at least be funny to find out. I can promise you three things as Texans general manager. First, I’ll be better than Jack Easterby because I would not in a million years TRADE DEANDRE HOPKINS FOR A HANDFUL OF DIRT AND A NON-FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK! Second, I promise to create a front office that’s fully transparent to fans and media. No more of this “doing what’s best for the team” and not elaborating further. Those are the lies of the disastrous Bill O’Brien/Jack Easterby regime. And finally, an UprootedTexan general managership will be the most fan-friendly outfit in the entire league, if not all of sports.

I am asking once again for your support to oust Easterby and act as the only person in the Houston Texans’ front office that cares about winning football games and bringing pride back to Texans fans and, preferably, more than one Lombardi Trophy.

Thank you! No questions at this time!

Let’s get on to The Dog.

As always, in finest, Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work. Seeing as it looks like everyone’s going to be getting locked down again soon (in my case, starting 12:01 this morning PST), that threat is a lot less toothy now.

Enjoy all the pigeon jokes!

PREGAME DISCUSSION:

UprootedTexan at 11:53 AM

I think this will probably be the last game I’ll get to watch for a while because it sounds like they’re going to be locking down here again starting this week.

Carlos Flores at 11:55 AM

Dang, what kind of restrictions are y’all looking at?

bigfatdrunk at 11:57 AM

Your weekly reminder that there are still many Texans fans who believe that BOB was both an elite HC and GM.

Kenneth L. at 11:58 AM

hello boys

finally back in htown and do not have to illegally watch the game. YOU HEAR THAT NFL. I ILLEGALLY STREAM THE NFL’S CONTENT, THEN LICK RODGER’S BALD HEAD LIKE A CAT LICKS ITS PAW

UprootedTexan at 12:00 PM

Not sure yet, Carlos, but it sounds like it’s going to be like what it was when the pandemic first flared up.

::judiciously edits Kenneth’s confession::

bigfatdrunk at 12:01 PM

I need a stream, if anybody has one.

Kenneth L. at 12:01 PM

BFD I’ll slide into your DMs

UprootedTexan at 12:02 PM

Reports indicate it’ll only be for a couple of weeks but that’s what they said the first time they quarantined too.

Oh perfect, weather delay.

bigfatdrunk at 12:02 PM

Oh, I am getting it. Weather delay LOLOLOLOL!

Kenneth L. at 12:03 PM

well, this is fun.

they just gave us Tampa and Carolina. booooo

UprootedTexan at 12:03 PM

Well it IS the Tom Brady show.

Kenneth L. at 12:04 PM

this is instant karma for saying that I lick Roger Goodell’s forehaed

Carlos Flores at 12:04 PM

WHY AM I SEEING THIS GAME IN HOUSTON?!

Oh, weather delay. Doh!

UprootedTexan at 12:05 PM

LOL, not only is it Panthers/Bradys, but it’s a more current feed than the feed that’s supposed to be showing the game.

l4blitzer at 12:11 PM

WX delay...more time for the D to rest...before they face Chubb and Hunt...they might need more time

Carlos Flores at 12:12 PM

What are we feeling about potential rushing yard totals for today’s game?

I’m thinking 250+

l4blitzer at 12:14 PM

At least. If Cleveland doesn’t try to run the ball over 40 times, they are wrong

Carlos Flores at 12:17 PM

I decided to flip over the The Masters for a minute.

What is the appeal of golf? I know there’s a lot of technicality and skill to it, but from a spectator’s angle, oof.

UprootedTexan at 12:18 PM

Carlin said it best, it’s like watching flies [kitten].

Carlos Flores at 12:19 PM

LOL

Joe Critz at 12:20 PM

hey guys!

what’d i miss

Carlos Flores at 12:20 PM

Weather delay and the most accurate description of golf that you’re going to find.

UprootedTexan at 12:21 PM

Re: That Rapoport article this morning:

Joe Critz at 12:22 PM

HAHAHA

Carlos Flores at 12:23 PM

Then Pancakes picking a fight with PaRappa The Rapper just made things more funny.

bigfatdrunk at 12:34 PM

Kick off in three minutes.

Carlos Flores at 12:36 PM

Dang, ok that storm was a little strong lol

UprootedTexan at 12:36 PM

Game on

Kenneth L. at 12:36 PM

we back baby

Carlos Flores at 12:37 PM

May [Durga] never force me to watch golf ever again.

FIRST QUARTER:

(Browns first possession)

Kenneth L. at 12:38 PM

Baker probably spent the weather delay recording another commercial

UprootedTexan at 12:39 PM

He’s actually not terrible in those ads.

Carlos Flores at 12:39 PM

They’re written decently!

UprootedTexan at 12:39 PM

Ahhhhh, THAT’S the Texans defense I know and hate.

Kenneth L. at 12:39 PM

hulu being owned by disney is absurd.

UprootedTexan at 12:39 PM

Why not? Everything else is.

Kenneth L. at 12:40 PM

ew this TV angle is horrific

l4blitzer at 12:40 PM

Outside of streaming, Disney is taking a beating right now.

Carlos Flores at 12:40 PM

Didn’t they have massive layoffs at the parks?

UprootedTexan at 12:40 PM

Yeah I think I saw this was the first quarter in like forever that they’ve recorded a loss.

Kenneth L. at 12:41 PM

ESPN cut like 10% of their staff

UprootedTexan at 12:41 PM

Probably, I mean I wouldn’t want to be at an amusement park right now that’s for [kitten] sure.

Kenneth L. at 12:41 PM

this is too easy for them to move the ball

ball

Carlos Flores at 12:42 PM

204 rushing ypg when Chubb is in? JEEZ.

Kenneth L. at 12:42 PM

whitney mercilus is so slow

UprootedTexan at 12:43 PM

That seems less than ideal.

PI coming.

Illegal contact (which is a stupid penalty), but close enough for government work.

Carlos Flores at 12:44 PM

Wow, that was embarrassing.

Joe Critz at 12:44 PM

if there’s a game for the defense to flip the script this season, this is it

bigfatdrunk at 12:44 PM

“Bad tackling” is the leit motif for this season.

UprootedTexan at 12:44 PM

It’s the dark motif too.

l4blitzer at 12:45 PM

The 2020 defense playing down to form

Carlos Flores at 12:45 PM

This is like getting beaten with a hammer. Blunt force trauma.

bigfatdrunk at 12:46 PM

Adams has allowed a TON of YAC on this drive.

Joe Critz at 12:46 PM

at least blacklock is playing

UprootedTexan at 12:47 PM

LOL, intentional grounding

Kenneth L. at 12:47 PM

and greenard

Joe Critz at 12:47 PM

oh ya i see!

Kenneth L. at 12:47 PM

wow we’ll actually have three rookies playing

UprootedTexan at 12:47 PM

And it only took eight games to get there.

l4blitzer at 12:47 PM

Well, Cleveland can’t quite escape being Cleveland

Even against us

Carlos Flores at 12:48 PM

I would have died if Parkey doinked it there.

(Browns 41-yard field goal attempt is successful. Browns lead 3-0)

Kenneth L. at 12:49 PM

Parkey as in the old Bears guy??

Joe Critz at 12:49 PM

the doinker

UprootedTexan at 12:49 PM

Oh lord HE’s their kicker?

Kenneth L. at 12:49 PM

also did y’all all see trevor daniel get absolutely roasted this past week?

Carlos Flores at 12:49 PM

Yes sir! Have no idea how he’s still hanging around, but kickers are hard to come by apparently

Joe Critz at 12:49 PM

and he’s been pretty good this year haha

Carlos Flores at 12:49 PM

LOL the 11 yard punt or something like that?

Joe Critz at 12:50 PM

not sure why the titans moved on from the punter the week before, he was pretty good

was the old new england punter

Kenneth L. at 12:50 PM

wow this may be the rare day where i can say the weather in Htown is better than that in SF

(Texans first possession)

bigfatdrunk at 12:51 PM

No return by DeAndre Carter??? OMG!!!

Carlos Flores at 12:51 PM

I’m sorry, C.J. Prosise returning? THANK [DURGA]!

Kenneth L. at 12:51 PM

THANK [DURGA]

UprootedTexan at 12:51 PM

But...why?! Carter was about to turn the corner!

He’s tough! Smart! Dependable!

Kenneth L. at 12:51 PM

returning is a thankless job, but Carter actually was net negative at it

bigfatdrunk at 12:52 PM

BOB built a team around running the ball, and they cannot do it. At all.

UprootedTexan at 12:52 PM

I am once again asking why is The Masked Singer?

Kenneth L. at 12:52 PM

annnndddd Scharping immediately lets a Myles Garret shut down the run play

Joe Critz at 12:53 PM

hahah

at least we got fuller a pass

Kenneth L. at 12:53 PM

Garrett will have a big day today

bigfatdrunk at 12:53 PM

Garrett just posterized Tunsil...who also moved early.

UprootedTexan at 12:53 PM

Can’t run. Can’t block. Can’t defend. Grape job BOB.

Would it be too self-serving if I were to campaign for GM in this thread?

Joe Critz at 12:54 PM

well there that goes

(Browns second possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:54 PM

Nothing is off limits anymore.

Joe Critz at 12:54 PM

i’m honestly just happy deshaun watson is having a good season and throwing downfield has become a thing they do consistently

it was very comforting to see that yards per attempt stat

the offense is actually changing

Carlos Flores at 12:55 PM

Watkins swatted that with his face

UprootedTexan at 12:55 PM

Is Tim Kelly...good?

Joe Critz at 12:55 PM

i won’t go that far haha, but 8.8 an attempt is pretty nice

l4blitzer at 12:55 PM

A Watkins sighting...got his one

bigfatdrunk at 12:56 PM

No, they just stopped trying to establish the run on 1st and 2nd.

l4blitzer at 12:56 PM

A stop??? Is Cleveland just toying with us now?

(Texans second possession)

Joe Critz at 12:56 PM

woo!

Kenneth L. at 12:57 PM

Thoughts on Watkins by the way?

bigfatdrunk at 12:57 PM

He’s the next Angelo Blackson.

UprootedTexan at 12:58 PM

I remember watching a Seahawks/Browns game which ended with the Browns winning 6-3. I’m getting that weird feel here.

Cost-effective as [kitten].

Carlos Flores at 12:58 PM

Where in the world was that ball going?

Joe Critz at 12:58 PM

yes

bigfatdrunk at 12:58 PM

Scharping completely missed a blitz pickup.

UprootedTexan at 12:59 PM

Hey, a first down!

bigfatdrunk at 12:59 PM

Jeebus that throw.

Joe Critz at 12:59 PM

now it’s getting interesting

Carlos Flores at 12:59 PM

Not a bad run by Duke!

Garret kept pace with Deshaun on that rollout. That’s impressive.

bigfatdrunk at 1:01 PM

Holy crap Myles Garrett is fast.

Joe Critz at 1:01 PM

i hate how fast garret is

Joe Critz at 1:02 PM

he’s not allowed to be that fast when he’s that big and strong

SECOND QUARTER:

Joe Critz at 1:03 PM

we’re marching!

and fuller is making some plays

Joe Critz at 1:05 PM

The Giants are about to go into halftime with a two possession lead against the Eagles

Carlos Flores at 1:06 PM

MY PS5 IS HERE

Joe Critz at 1:06 PM

can’t wait to see how they crumble in the second half

YOOOOO

YOU GOT ONE????

UprootedTexan at 1:06 PM

Uh oh, we’ve lost Carlos for the rest of the season.

Joe Critz at 1:06 PM

i was trying so hard to get one the other night haha

Carlos Flores at 1:07 PM

I ordered mine back in September and it arrived a little late. I managed to get $100 discount from Walmart for it. Also, you’re not wrong UT!

UprootedTexan at 1:07 PM

First and goal and y’all run a CHUM?

Joe Critz at 1:07 PM

man no way

saved $100 i hate you

l4blitzer at 1:07 PM

Radio discussing the Ward pick...a deal that Houston actually won

Joe Critz at 1:07 PM

how did you do that

was that the only time a draft pick related trade worked for us during the o’brien era

Carlos Flores at 1:08 PM

Being a Karen with outsourced labor can pay dividends.

UprootedTexan at 1:08 PM

GO FOR IT YOU COWARDS!

l4blitzer at 1:08 PM

That was more a Rick Smith move

(Texans go for it on fourth down, fail to convert. Turnover on downs.)

Joe Critz at 1:08 PM

mannnn

Carlos Flores at 1:09 PM

OH NO!

UprootedTexan at 1:09 PM

Was that the one where we traded [UNPERSON] to Cleveland?

Carlos Flores at 1:09 PM

QB DRAW

l4blitzer at 1:09 PM

Yep

Joe Critz at 1:09 PM

I missed the first pre-order in september and i’ve been battling to get one ever since and they always sell out literally in the first seconds of a restock

(Browns third possession)

Joe Critz at 1:09 PM

pain

UprootedTexan at 1:09 PM

They shouldn’t have gone for it.

l4blitzer at 1:10 PM

Perhaps a better disguise on O next time?

Joe Critz at 1:10 PM

literally just steal the plays from philly they understand what they’re doing on 4th down

ughhhh

that failed conversion is gonna hurt all game

UprootedTexan at 1:12 PM

Then again, maybe we’ll get a pick s—hahahahahahahahaha I can’t even finish saying it.

Joe Critz at 1:12 PM

the revenge of vernon hargreaves

UprootedTexan at 1:13 PM

[Durga][kitten], look at that wind.

l4blitzer at 1:13 PM

Watkins did a thing again? Career game

Joe Critz at 1:13 PM

lets go watkins

UprootedTexan at 1:13 PM

Sigh, of course they convert.

Joe Critz at 1:13 PM

never mind haha

UprootedTexan at 1:14 PM

Wait, there’s a flag. Unspoartmanlike!

l4blitzer at 1:14 PM

Eric Murray: MVP...for the other team

Joe Critz at 1:18 PM

time to capitalize!

chances are our defense won’t be able to make many more stops

gotta score here

piece of hut

UprootedTexan at 1:20 PM

Well that’s clearly coming back because it was a CHUM that worked.

Joe Critz at 1:20 PM

hahaha

UprootedTexan at 1:20 PM

Or not.

Joe Critz at 1:20 PM

LETS GO

CHUM ME UP BABY

UprootedTexan at 1:21 PM

What the hell was that, Deshaun?

l4blitzer at 1:21 PM

Busted screen?

We can’t waste a 1 and 5? Texans: Challenge accepted

Or not

Joe Critz at 1:22 PM

it’s just funny

funny times

l4blitzer at 1:23 PM

“Kenny Stills, where have you been?” Clubhouse leader for call of the game

UprootedTexan at 1:26 PM

This Laremy Tunsil false start penalty is brought to you by Viagra. If you find yourself going off before you’re supposed to, take delicious Viagra medicine today!

Carlos Flores at 1:26 PM

Oh no, another one?

FLAG

l4blitzer at 1:27 PM

Just a delay of game

Carlos Flores at 1:28 PM

What in the world

l4blitzer at 1:28 PM

Welp, penalties galore...Texans 2020 continues

(Texans line up to kick a field goal and then punt the ball)

UprootedTexan at 1:28 PM

They punted?

Carlos Flores at 1:29 PM

TOP 3 KICKER COWARDS

(Browns fourth possession)

l4blitzer at 1:30 PM

At least the Texans got it inside the 5. Guess I’ll give Smith credit, but wow are the Texans derping it on Offense right now.

UprootedTexan at 1:32 PM

Crap, I thought JJ had a chance for a safety there.

Joe Critz at 1:33 PM

what is it about baker that he’s mediocre in the pocket but laser accurate when rolling out

like what is that

does he just need that boost of adrenaline when someone is chasing him to play well or something

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

l4blitzer at 1:34 PM

Radio guys explode with happiness on a run stop by Watt

UprootedTexan at 1:34 PM

A visual representation of the Texans trying to tackle any running back.

Joe Critz at 1:35 PM

i like how one cat is gnawing at the hippos back while the other slaps its side over and over

l4blitzer at 1:35 PM

BO’B would’ve traded JJ Watt and 3 first round picks for the hippo...think of the CHUM possibilities

Joe Critz at 1:35 PM

kinda how we tackle

gnaw at the back to slap the side

and then throw in a leap frog attempt while ur at it haha

imagine how much BO’B would’ve offered the 49ers if they said Juscyck was on the market

l4blitzer at 1:37 PM

Annnndddd the Texans have now lost the field position battle

UprootedTexan at 1:38 PM

C’mon, keep ‘em out of the red zone, I want to win that “lowest combined score in the first half this season” record!

l4blitzer at 1:40 PM

Fake FG punt from the Browns?

UprootedTexan at 1:41 PM

Aw [kitten], that’s a flag.

(Turnover on downs)

(Texans fourth possession)

l4blitzer at 1:42 PM

Radio couldn’t tell if a flag or debris...(insert Cleveland joke here)

UprootedTexan at 1:42 PM

Neither could the TV apparently.

Stop running up the middle [kitten]it!

Joe Critz at 1:44 PM

CHUMMMMM

END OF HALF: BROWNS LEAD 3-0.

(Texans will receive the ball to start the second half)

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

bigfatdrunk at 1:44 PM

This game makes my sex life look exciting.

l4blitzer at 1:44 PM

ALL HAIL THE CHUM!!! THE CHUM SHALL REIGN SUPREME!!!

UprootedTexan at 1:45 PM

This entire game could use Viagra.

Joe Critz at 1:45 PM

this is one of those funny games

doesn’t make any sense and it just gets stranger as time goes on

l4blitzer at 1:47 PM

We may just have the winning candidate for ugliest game in the NFL at this rate. The Texans left 10 points on the field and Cleveland is letting our defense check them. When the only highlight is the fake FG punt...yep.

Carlos Flores at 1:47 PM

This is going to end up being something like 12-15

UprootedTexan at 1:47 PM

Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I saw a Browns game that ended with more than 10 combined points.

l4blitzer at 1:55 PM

Browns with only 16 carries between Hunt/Chubb...explains a lot here

THIRD QUARTER:

(Texans fifth possession)

Oh bless your heart Prosise, you tried to do something worthwhile.

l4blitzer at 2:00 PM

Kickoff team not used to such effort. Team give him a holding penalty

Carlos Flores at 2:00 PM

That’s a pretty run by Duke.

UprootedTexan at 2:00 PM

Holy crap, nice one Duke.

l4blitzer at 2:00 PM

Explosive play in the running game? You can do that ?

Carlos Flores at 2:00 PM

That ball maintained a tight spiral, but it looked like it shifted sideways?

UprootedTexan at 2:01 PM

Well other teams are allowed to do it. I just assume there’s an obscure NFL bylaw that prevents us from doing the same.

Duke Johnson tripped on nothing!

(Browns fifth possession)

l4blitzer at 2:04 PM

Wind seems like a factor now

Joe Critz at 2:04 PM

this game is so weird haha

can we get a pick six from justin reid

l4blitzer at 2:05 PM

That assumes that our defensive backs can actually catch a ball this season.

UprootedTexan at 2:07 PM

Blind pigs and acorns.

l4blitzer at 2:07 PM

Sideline reporter taking about a pigeon on the field. That is the story of this game

Joe Critz at 2:07 PM

hahahaha that’s great

UprootedTexan at 2:07 PM

Every story is important l4

l4blitzer at 2:08 PM

Well, a journalist needs to earn the money somehow

Carlos Flores at 2:08 PM

CORY LUIGET WITH A SACK!

Matt would explode lol

UprootedTexan at 2:08 PM

Welcome to the Texans Corey Liuget!

He kind of sacked him by accident.

l4blitzer at 2:09 PM

What are these sack things? Are they possible for this team?

UprootedTexan at 2:09 PM

PIGEON!

Joe Critz at 2:10 PM

that guy almost squished that pigeon

(Texans sixth possession)

UprootedTexan at 2:10 PM

The pigeon has as many points in this game as the Texans do.

Joe Critz at 2:10 PM

it’s nice to see other species engaging in this lovely sport

nice to see pigeons getting interested

l4blitzer at 2:10 PM

NFL is all about broadening the fan base

UprootedTexan at 2:11 PM

It’s not as much fun as watching that black cat in the Cowboys/Giants game a couple years back but I’ll take it.

l4blitzer at 2:11 PM

If we could get Kevin Harlan to do some pigeon commentary, we would be in business

Joe Critz at 2:11 PM

gotta take what you get!

pigeon-[kitten] football game

UprootedTexan at 2:13 PM

All glory to pigeon!

l4blitzer at 2:14 PM

Yes, the radio guys used the phrase “socially distanced running”

An effective CHUM...how ‘bout that?

UprootedTexan at 2:15 PM

This game has big pigeon energy

Joe Critz at 2:15 PM

fits the theme of this game

only makes sense for the CHUMMING to work

duke johnson having a better game than nick chubb?

chumbawumba?

tubthumpers?

l4blitzer at 2:16 PM

The pigeon deems inside runs good today

Joe Critz at 2:16 PM

I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN

Kenneth L. at 2:18 PM

I love watson

Carlos Flores at 2:18 PM

Deshaun Watson is a superhero.

bigfatdrunk at 2:18 PM

You know who would have really loved this game? Bill O’Brien.

Kenneth L. at 2:18 PM

Tytus howard is yikes

great camera work

UprootedTexan at 2:18 PM

Eatin’ some seeds today....eatin’ some seeds today...

He eats a poppy seed, he eats a sesame seed, he eats a celery seed, he eats a caraway seed...

Carlos Flores at 2:19 PM

That pigeon actually provided some really solid coverage underneath.

bigfatdrunk at 2:19 PM

THE PIGEON FINALLY MOVED.

UprootedTexan at 2:19 PM

That probably would’ve been OPI.

Joe Critz at 2:19 PM

he sings the songs that remind him of the birdbath

UprootedTexan at 2:19 PM

Then why are we still watching this game?

bigfatdrunk at 2:19 PM

See y’all next week!

l4blitzer at 2:19 PM

The pigeon got us hooked

Joe Critz at 2:19 PM

this game is SO FUNNY

Carlos Flores at 2:20 PM

How the hell did Cooks almost convert on that escort.

bigfatdrunk at 2:20 PM

We didn’t get a first down, but that’s probably the best screen pass this season.

Kenneth L. at 2:20 PM

i wonder who they wouldve drafted if they didnt trade for cooks

UprootedTexan at 2:20 PM

Watching Tunsil run right there is one of the low-key funniest things in this game, save for the pigeon.

Joe Critz at 2:20 PM

chase claypool

oh wow but what if

bigfatdrunk at 2:21 PM

@Kenneth: Somebody else who wouldn’t be playing until this week.

Joe Critz at 2:21 PM

you get rid of hopkins but you immediately replace him with mapletron

Kenneth L. at 2:21 PM

where is Weston today btw

UprootedTexan at 2:21 PM

Communing with nature or some [kitten].

GO FOR IT YOU COWARDS!

Carlos Flores at 2:22 PM

Overcompensated for the wind.

Oof.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn’s 46-yard field goal attempt is wildly unsuccessful. Browns still lead 3-0)

Kenneth L. at 2:22 PM

MEH

bigfatdrunk at 2:23 PM

COWARDS.

UprootedTexan at 2:23 PM

Shanked the [kitten] out of it.

Joe Critz at 2:23 PM

honestly agreed with just trying to tie it up with how this game has been going

Kenneth L. at 2:23 PM

agree. but meh

Joe Critz at 2:24 PM

went for it earlier and it didnt work, but it’s been all defense and messy offense thus far. At this point victory will come from a safety or something

l4blitzer at 2:24 PM

We’re only going to score on a big pass play, and this weather ain’t cooperating

UprootedTexan at 2:24 PM

Kenneth L. at 2:24 PM

[kitten] the jags are hanging in there with the packers

Carlos Flores at 2:25 PM

Those Flintstones vitamins taste how I would imagine Cyanide pills would.

Joe Critz at 2:25 PM

beat the packers! dethrone them!

they honestly weren’t that bad from what i remember

UprootedTexan at 2:25 PM

Via the transitive property, if the Jags beat the Packers then the Texans are better than the Packers.

Joe Critz at 2:25 PM

they had these gummy ones tho

l4blitzer at 2:25 PM

As of now, the Texans out rushing Cleveland

Joe Critz at 2:25 PM

absolutely delicious

bigfatdrunk at 2:25 PM

Rodgers just threw a pick!

(Browns sixth possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:26 PM

The gummies are a different story. They and the push pops were absolutely fantastic.

Joe Critz at 2:26 PM

the push pops were awesome haha

Kenneth L. at 2:26 PM

god JJ can play the backside run game better than anyone

Joe Critz at 2:26 PM

i forgot about the push pops haha

Carlos Flores at 2:26 PM

Wow, solid tackle by Hargreaves.

bigfatdrunk at 2:26 PM

Jeebus, where has this D been all year?

UprootedTexan at 2:26 PM

Those sherbet pops?

Joe Critz at 2:26 PM

waiting for the pigeon

do deliver the message

those sherbet pops were great

Kenneth L. at 2:27 PM

a literal shoe string tackle

Joe Critz at 2:27 PM

i miss the oreo cakesters the most tho

bigfatdrunk at 2:27 PM

Coo deliver the message?

UprootedTexan at 2:27 PM

Wait, they stopped making cakesters?

Joe Critz at 2:27 PM

i don’t know that actually

Carlos Flores at 2:28 PM

Hell yea, the sherbert ones. Literal drugs.

UprootedTexan at 2:28 PM

Those were really good.

Joe Critz at 2:28 PM

i just had them a whole lot when i was a kid and i loved them but i haven’t seen them at all in years

Kenneth L. at 2:28 PM

im predicting baker throws an errant pass that is intercepted and it changes the entire game

Joe Critz at 2:28 PM

those fruit loops cereal straws were good too, and i know theyre gone haha

either that or a nick chubb fumble

UprootedTexan at 2:29 PM

Now you’re just making [kitten] up, Joe.

Joe Critz at 2:29 PM

no honestly!

Kenneth L. at 2:29 PM

no those 100% exist

third grade they were all the rage

Carlos Flores at 2:29 PM

Those were fantastic!

Baker will give this game up in hilarious fashion, and he’ll do his best Drunk Uncle cosplay for his post-game presser.

Joe Critz at 2:29 PM

i looked em up a few months ago to see if i could buy em again and theyre gone

UprootedTexan at 2:29 PM

Third and long, time for a really stupid conversion.

Joe Critz at 2:30 PM

some small company is making some of their own tho, but they’re like a small milk bar in nyc haha

UprootedTexan at 2:30 PM

There it is.

l4blitzer at 2:30 PM

Dunn did something that didn’t involve him trying to shoo away a pigeon

Joe Critz at 2:30 PM

hahaha

Carlos Flores at 2:30 PM

I’d argue that it wasn’t catchable, but I get it.

Joe Critz at 2:30 PM

i’m literally talking about of cereal straws and cakesters during a houston texans game

Kenneth L. at 2:30 PM

hideous

Joe Critz at 2:30 PM

i’m losing my mind

UprootedTexan at 2:30 PM

Everybody, say “thank you” to Vernon Hargreaves there.

bigfatdrunk at 2:31 PM

Hargreaves is Italian for sucky defensive back.

Joe Critz at 2:31 PM

THANK YOU

FOURTH QUARTER:

UprootedTexan at 2:31 PM

Let’s get an update on the pigeon, huh?

Kenneth L. at 2:31 PM

we need next gen to track the pigeon’s movement on the field

l4blitzer at 2:31 PM

He may be done with this game.

Is it just me, or is it possible that this game, which started over 40 minutes late, may end close to its scheduled time?

Kenneth L. at 2:32 PM

PETA is sitting, watching this game, patiently waiting to sue the NFL when one of the players gets in contact with the bird

UprootedTexan at 2:33 PM

I think you might be right. There’s a lot of games just barely into the fourth

Joe Critz at 2:33 PM

bird needs a guaranteed contract before it blows out its knee

UprootedTexan at 2:34 PM

Was probably an undrafted free agent, on account of being severely pigeon toed.

Carlos Flores at 2:35 PM

Pigeon’s take a while to ramp up, but they can top out around 40 MPH.

Joe Critz at 2:35 PM

i really hope cleveland doesn’t figure out it can run the ball against us now

we’ve been hanging around cuz they’ve been refusing to run much at all

(Browns touchdown. Browns lead 10-0)

Joe Critz at 2:35 PM

DawgPoundDaily has to be losing it’s mind

bigfatdrunk at 2:35 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Joe Critz at 2:35 PM

I HATE

Carlos Flores at 2:35 PM

Browns popped a Chubb.

UprootedTexan at 2:36 PM

I think they just figured it out.

Joe Critz at 2:36 PM

WHY DID I HAVE TO SPEAK

COME ONNNNNN

UprootedTexan at 2:36 PM

Good thing this isn’t Fansville, Joe or you’d be in the back of a squad car right now.

Kenneth L. at 2:36 PM

im not having fun mom!

bigfatdrunk at 2:36 PM

[KITTIT, CARLOS.

Kenneth L. at 2:36 PM

they aren’t playing fair~

Joe Critz at 2:36 PM

man i’d need so much dr pepper injected into me

l4blitzer at 2:37 PM

That might be enough...unless this is going to turn into one of those stupid 4th quarters where both teams go bonkers on O to see the game end 24-21

Joe Critz at 2:37 PM

i’d love that

that’d be a poetic end to this game

and like it ends on a last second touchdown for the texans

and like a whole flock of pigeons invade the stadium

UprootedTexan at 2:38 PM

I’m sorry, a last second what?

bigfatdrunk at 2:38 PM

PigeonGeddon.

Joe Critz at 2:39 PM

what was that terrible movie called

birdemic i think

l4blitzer at 2:39 PM

Actually, it will be a FG attempt, but the ball will hit two pigeons and then the crossbar to fall short.

UprootedTexan at 2:39 PM

The original or its sequel?

Joe Critz at 2:39 PM

yes

Carlos Flores at 2:39 PM

Or if Deshaun runs in a touchdown to win the game and a bunch of pigeons land on him a la Home Alone 2 pigeon lady.

(Texans seventh possession)

Joe Critz at 2:40 PM

i love all these options

i hope one of them comes true

l4blitzer at 2:40 PM

13 pts we’ve left on the field at least...there is time but this is as maddening a game as we have played all year

UprootedTexan at 2:41 PM

::pigeon flies up onto Watt’s shoulder::

“They’re going to run a counter trap sweep right on three on three.”

Joe Critz at 2:41 PM

“a little birdie told me spider 2 Y banana”

Carlos Flores at 2:42 PM

[Kitten]it Joe, you win

(Browns seventh possession)

Joe Critz at 2:42 PM

i thought UT’s was better haha

UprootedTexan at 2:42 PM

[Kitten], I ain’t coming up with anything that good.

Carlos Flores at 2:42 PM

Y’all both smoked what I had cooking, so it’s cool.

Joe Critz at 2:43 PM

this has just been a bonkers chat that fits perfectly for a strange game

UprootedTexan at 2:43 PM

We entertain so the Texans don’t have to.

l4blitzer at 2:43 PM

If the Browns even think of throwing the rest of the game, their offensive coordinator needs to be arrested for malpractice.

UprootedTexan at 2:43 PM

Or aren’t able to.

Joe Critz at 2:43 PM

we just need one baker errant pass

just one

and an interception puts us right back in it

kinda

UprootedTexan at 2:44 PM

The butcher, the Baker, the pigeon caretaker.

Joe Critz at 2:44 PM

LMAO

l4blitzer at 2:45 PM

“Well, there you go again” (in Ronald Reagan voice)...you keep talking about these interceptions...you know we really don’t do that.

bigfatdrunk at 2:45 PM

Adams needs to charge the Browns a taxi fee this game.

Carlos Flores at 2:45 PM

Sour cream.

Joe Critz at 2:46 PM

I can DREAM

Carlos Flores at 2:46 PM

That’s how soft our defense is. The Browns are calling us out.

UprootedTexan at 2:46 PM

This thread needs the crazy credits from Monty Python and the Holy Grail but with pigeon in place for every llama reference.

Joe Critz at 2:46 PM

“Is this it? Have we achieved full O’Brien?” “Oh no it’s gonna get a hell of a lot worse”

l4blitzer at 2:47 PM

There you go Cleveland...no more pass attempts. You run the ball, you run the ball some more, and then you keep running.

Joe Critz at 2:47 PM

i think the storm that delayed the cleveland game is approaching my town

bigfatdrunk at 2:48 PM

Fullbacks aren’t people.

UprootedTexan at 2:48 PM

Jeez, even the refs pants are vibrating from the wind.

Okay third down, time for the Browns to convert.

l4blitzer at 2:50 PM

It’s only a short yardage play...that might throw them off

UprootedTexan at 2:51 PM

Another Texans timeout?

l4blitzer at 2:51 PM

Cleveland, why are you throwing here???

Joe Critz at 2:51 PM

YES THROW

UprootedTexan at 2:51 PM

They puntin’.

l4blitzer at 2:52 PM

Crennel showing that maybe he should not be the permanent coach

Joe Critz at 2:52 PM

i’m terrified that’s that even being considered

UprootedTexan at 2:53 PM

I refuse to even acknowledge that it’s really a thing.

Joe Critz at 2:53 PM

it has to be exclusively because it allows Easterby to continue to stay in power

anything that allows him to exert his influence for longer will be strongly considered

l4blitzer at 2:53 PM

That sounds all too likely

UT, maybe your campaign is getting to Easterly and he is desperate to hold you off...

bigfatdrunk at 2:54 PM

I’m scared it’s a legit trial balloon.

UprootedTexan at 2:54 PM

I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t blocked me yet.

If it’s a real thing then I’m for sure campaigning for GM.

Like not as a joke.

bigfatdrunk at 2:55 PM

DO IT.

Joe Critz at 2:55 PM

please do it haha

(Texans eighth possession)

UprootedTexan at 2:55 PM

I would need a campaign manager.

Joe Critz at 2:56 PM

if he blocks you then that’s a victory for you and you can parade it around as evidence he can’t compete with u

bigfatdrunk at 2:56 PM

Crappy screen pass again. SHOCKED.

UprootedTexan at 2:56 PM

If anything, he’s either ignoring me or he just has me muted.

Carlos Flores at 2:56 PM

How on earth did that get completed to Cobb.

bigfatdrunk at 2:56 PM

DESHAUN WATSON IS A WIZARD.

UprootedTexan at 2:57 PM

Un-freakin’-real.

Carlos Flores at 2:57 PM

And an immediate dumb screen.

l4blitzer at 2:57 PM

At this point, all drives are go for it on 4th down...Watson trying to keep this interesting

bigfatdrunk at 2:57 PM

Our screen game is so bad.

UprootedTexan at 2:58 PM

Holy hell, they [kitten] near piledrove Cobb into the core of the earth.

So, who wants to be my campaign manager?

Carlos Flores at 2:58 PM

All they needed was a table to put him through.

UprootedTexan at 2:58 PM

Because I really don’t know what I’m doing.

l4blitzer at 2:58 PM

“He spiked Randall Cobb” another unique call

(Watson to Pharaoh Brown for the touchdown! Browns lead 10-6 with the extra point to come)

Carlos Flores at 2:59 PM

TD for Pharaoh Brown!

bigfatdrunk at 2:59 PM

Somebody ran the wrong route on the TD.

(Extra point is good. Browns lead 10-7)

l4blitzer at 2:59 PM

The loss of that 2nd timeout so freakin’ hurts right now

UprootedTexan at 2:59 PM

This has been a very long first quarter.

Joe Critz at 3:00 PM

LETS GO

(Browns eighth possession)

l4blitzer at 3:01 PM

Just under 5 mins with 1 timeout and our inability to stop the run...onside or kick it away?

Carlos Flores at 3:01 PM

What a lucky goof.

Joe Critz at 3:01 PM

pray that the pigeon flies in baker’s face and causes an int

UprootedTexan at 3:01 PM

Better lucky than good.

l4blitzer at 3:02 PM

Almost Tracy Smith, almost...

UprootedTexan at 3:02 PM

This game has to end in a 10-10 tie.

Carlos Flores at 3:03 PM

Too easy on that pitch.

l4blitzer at 3:03 PM

Actually, that would work...with the pigeon blocking one of the FG attempts

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

Carlos Flores at 3:05 PM

God Of War and Miles Morales are calling my name. I can see the light.

l4blitzer at 3:06 PM

“Only a miracle can help the Texans and Easterby has outlawed miracles”

Carlos Flores at 3:06 PM

That’s a tagline for UT’s campaign.

UprootedTexan at 3:06 PM

I may just use that.

l4blitzer at 3:06 PM

Permission granted

UprootedTexan at 3:07 PM

Because I can only use “Demand Better. Demand UprootedTexan” so many times.

bigfatdrunk at 3:08 PM

If the Texans lose today, we will still not have beaten an NFL team this year.

Joe Critz at 3:08 PM

that non nfl team is on the doorstep of beating the packers tho!

UprootedTexan at 3:08 PM

LOL, the lack of scoring is going to get this game finished on time. Points are time inefficient.

l4blitzer at 3:09 PM

Rough math, assuming we hold, we will have what, 20 or so seconds?

UprootedTexan at 3:09 PM

Unless they get a first down, in which case it won’t matter.

(Nick Chubb runs up the left sideline and intentionally goes out of bounds at the one yard line.)

bigfatdrunk at 3:09 PM

If they run it right, yep.

LOLOLOLOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO!

Wait, why did he do that???

UprootedTexan at 3:11 PM

Because they can just kneel it out from there.

Carlos Flores at 3:11 PM

LOL that’s on brand.

bigfatdrunk at 3:11 PM

True, but why not take the 6? Doesn’t matter either way.

l4blitzer at 3:11 PM

ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!!!!ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!!!!

FINAL SCORE: TEXANS 7, BROWNS 10.

Carlos Flores at 3:11 PM

Dang, they didn’t hit 250. Close, though.

UprootedTexan at 3:12 PM

MVP of today’s game: The Pigeon.

l4blitzer at 3:12 PM

Seconded

Joe Critz at 3:12 PM

wooooo

PERFECT ENDING

Joe Critz at 3:12 PM

the pigeon wins

it’s on every team

l4blitzer at 3:12 PM

Go figure, our best “defensive” performance of the season and we get gashed so hard on the ground

Joe Critz at 3:13 PM

hahaha

bigfatdrunk at 3:13 PM

The Jaguars end was almost as bad as ours!

Joe Critz at 3:14 PM

poor jags

no pigeon for them

GAME BALLS:

Offense - The Pigeon, because there was a pigeon on the field.

Defense - The Pigeon, because there was a pigeon on the field.

Special Teams - The Pigeon, because there was a pigeon on the field.

That’s all we got this week. Let us know what you think or if you support my candidacy for Texans general manager.