Totally Not Fake News: Revenge of the Belichick?

HOUSTON, TX – Another week at NRG Stadium and the Texans offices…at least on the surface. The calendar shows the Texans slated to host the New England Patriots in a key matchup where one team is looking to maintain a shot at the playoffs with a dual threat quarterback, speculation about turnover with coaches and the long-term outlook for the franchise. The other is playing to determine the final draft position for the Miami Dolphins.

However, there is something more to this matchup where New England is involved, especially for the folks at NRG. “Big game” was all we could get out of the normally devil-may-care Head Coach Romeo Crennel. “It’s been like that all week,” observed J.J. Watt. “Normally, Coach [Crennel] is dancing around, joking, talking up his next Legends fight with Tito Ortiz. This week, it has been a bit subdued. Then again, he and Coach Belichick go back a long way. Seems like the past few years, whenever we play New England, the coaches and front office types go a little funny.”

This was evident in the highest levels of the Texans’ front office structure. Unnamed sources reported that Jack Easterby was in a manic mood. Never saw him this agitated, even after he felled BO’B a few weeks back” was how one source put it. “Dude was running around, one minute berating staff to ‘Do your job!’ and the next, he was all ‘make sure you put in just the right order for the Subway catering. Don’t want to disappoint my master, er, my old boss...at least until I can show him my new powers.’”

When asked for a comment, Easterby just passed by with a “No comment.” At least that is what we thought we heard. Hard to tell with the pulled-up hood on the grey hoodie muffling his words.

“Ya know, I think some people felt that this season, the Patriots are just not the Patriots, and that Belichick is maybe not the Sith Lord we all make him out to be. I mean, you figured the Emperor was nothing after Vader, and with Brady moving down to Tampa, well, perhaps he was done,” observed one Texans official, who spoke to us on the condition that he could wear his Star Wars gear. “Easterby…doesn’t like that whole ‘false idol stuff,’ unless it is idolizing him and the team. Anyway, he was ready to show off for his old boss. Got on the conference call and was all boasting how his powers had grown since they last met, how he had bent this team to his will, blah, blah, blah. Then Belichick’s lips just curled into one of the most frightening smiles I have ever seen. I mean Palpatine’s got nothing on him. Couldn’t stay in the room after that, but I thought I heard the New England coach say as I was leaving, ‘Young fool. Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side.’”

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“Those press conferences. I mean did you see that Jedi mind trickery? They asked him about [acting] GM Easterby, and when Belichick dropped that he wasn’t a personnel guy, Easterby’s tone changed in an instant. He starts walking around the office saying ‘I am not a personnel guy’ over and over. It was as if someone had just sucked out his soul. Immediately cancelled the order for the McDaniels and Caserio office door nameplates. I think he even put his desk chair up for sale on eBay.”

“Yet, what is scarier is that he also did that to others. That Belichick mind-trickery got to [Jamey] Rootes. Saw where he publicly affirmed that Easterby is not a personnel guy. Didn’t see that coming. I’m a little worried about [Head Coach] Crennel after Belichick praised him. That Belichickean dark magic is some spooky level stuff,” noted the unnamed Star-Wars-adorned source.

When confronted about this, Belichick could only laugh. “Good, good. Everything is going exactly as I have foreseen. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to brief the National Security Council on my plan to resolve the latest Nagorno-Karabakh impasse.”

However, reports are that one person is apparently immune to Sith persuasion. Totally Not Fake News received word that Cal McNair, taking a break from chugging his usual Southern Comfort with Everclear chasers, has been sending out various missives, looking to enlist special consultants to help thwart the danger that is Darth Belichick. “Disssh…Disssh is seri…seri…serious business-sh” stammered the Texans owner. “I…I know….I KNOW how this-ish ends…how to stop dath Sssssss-ith Lord from [kittening] with my team…” While Cal did not divulge who he sent those messages to, primarily since he had once again passed out in the middle of the conference call, we had our suspicions.

On a hunch, we reached out to who we thought might have received the communicates. However, after several near misses, a high-speed car chase in London, multiple beatings at the hands of bouncers and an international restraining order, we had to settle for the following press statement:

Photo by Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images for Disney

“What the hell is it with you bloody American sports news people? [Kitten] [kitten]!!!! Here I am, trying to apply my talents towards the stage with the role of Ophelia in Hamlet and working on the latest War and Peace adaptation, and all I get is a bunch of folks hounding me about some money-making role I did for a couple of years. I am a serious actress. When I get through with my new roles, I am going to put that skank [Natalie] Portman to shame! Yes, I did receive another dumb [kitten] package from America. Some drunk pervert asking if I could help him defeat the Dark Lord. [Kitten] this is getting old. It was a [kittening] movie!!! For God’s sake, get a life!!! Or at least, stop bothering me and talk with Ian. Let him deal with that mess.”

When reached for comment, Ian McDiarmid could only sigh. “Okay, it was kinda funny when I got asked about it last year, but now, this is getting old. Besides, I suffered watching a couple of Belichick’s commercials. Did Hayden Christensen give him acting lessons or something? My lightsaber in Episode III showed more range.”

An attempted follow-up with Coach Belichick was denied, and all further inquiries with the New England organization were met with the following line:

“WE ARE ON TO HOUSTON”

And so it is that, like New England, we are on to Houston, to NRG, and another game.