Hair of the Dog: Not Safe For Stomach Edition - (Texans/Patriots)

This was the first non-prime time Texans game I got to watch at home in a really long time. Ordinarily, since Texans games aren’t on TV here in Seattle, I have to go to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the game. It’s become a nice little tradition in the family to spend Sundays with Mrs. UT at BWW and generally not talk to each other for three hours; she’s too busy watching her New Orleans Saints to strike up a conversation anyway. We’re really careful, we wear masks when we’re not eating and wash hands repeatedly if we get up from the table, and we tried our best to cover our bases when we went out.

But because COVID cases are spiking here, the State of Washington ordered a four week lockdown of all indoor service for restaurants and bars. Again. And this is in a state that was doing a better job of controlling the spread than most others. While they say it’s only going to be a four week lockdown, I have a feeling it’s going to be like the first one back in March where it kept getting extended and extended and extended.

Which is fine, honestly. I don’t want to risk getting sick if I don’t have to, and it’s not like I have much reason to leave the house otherwise these days anyway (hooray, working from home!). But I kind of hoped it wouldn’t come to that. I’d hoped that people would recognize that falling back into lockdown and quarantine was a distinct possibility and maybe would try to do their best to stop the spread.

But then there was the Lake of the Ozarks. There was Sturgis. There were business owners who whined that if they couldn’t force their employees to come into work and sacrifice themselves to the sons of the profits that they might not be able to stay open.

What does this have to do with the Texans beating the Patriots and doing it in a mostly convincing matter? Not a lot, really. Partly, it’s a roundabout way for me to bring up that I had to watch this game on a stream, which means that most of my comments are delayed in this thread, but I tried to react as best I could to events happening in real time. Mostly it’s just me saying please stay safe out there and wear a mask. If not for your own sake, then to protect those around you who might not be so lucky if they get COVID. Because I care about y’all and [kitten].

Anyway, enough soapboxing. On to this week’s Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work. However, this thread may not be quite as agreeable to your digestive system. We apologize in advance.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION:

UprootedTexan at 11:36 AM

Jack Easterby makes over $3 million a year?! I could do what he does for a fraction of the price.

Carlos Flores at 11:36 AM

With triple the effectiveness!

UprootedTexan at 11:37 AM

As general manager of the Houston Texans, I would be the most cost-efficient general manager in the league, possibly in league history.

l4blitzer at 11:53 AM

But will you be smart, tough and dependable? That’s $1M for each category.

Carlos Flores at 11:55 AM

If you snag someone who quotes scripture in their press conferences, that counts as a Daily Double!

UprootedTexan at 11:56 AM

I’ll get some street preacher with three-foot long hair who mutters between sermons about squirrels. They’ll never notice a difference.

bigfatdrunk at 11:57 AM

So, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the least and 10 being the most, how painful will this game be to watch?

UprootedTexan at 11:58 AM

The Pats aren’t as good as in past seasons so I’ll put it at a 7.

But I reserve the right to up that if they bring up Tom Brady every five minutes.

Carlos Flores at 11:59 AM

I’m going to say an 8, because Cam will be having tons of fun at the Texans’ expense.

l4blitzer at 12:00 PM

On a scale of 1 to 10...TILT!!!

UprootedTexan at 12:00 PM

This is going to be weird since I’m watching on a stream.

Carlos Flores at 12:02 PM

Did they just say that Rod Johnson is working the blindside today?

UprootedTexan at 12:03 PM

I was just reading this. This passage jumped to me right away:

“I fully realize how important the general manager and head coach hires are for this organization,” McNair told ESPN. “My goal is to hire great people who fit the Houston Texans. I want to build something that our fans, players and staff are proud of.”

You let Bill O’Brien be the GM, I’m not sure I believe you Kyle.

FIRST QUARTER:

(Texans first possession)

Already off to a better start than DeAndre Carter with that touchback.

Carlos Flores at 12:04 PM

Baby Belichick’s mullet will never not be amazing.

UprootedTexan at 12:04 PM

And we begin with a CHUM.

Gotta love the classics.

Carlos Flores at 12:05 PM

“Play it again, Tony”. Tony has been dead for over 5 years.

Matt Weston at 12:05 PM

The Texans run blocking breaks my heart.

UprootedTexan at 12:06 PM

Oh my [Durga], I just saw that is an executive power mullet right there.

Carlos Flores at 12:06 PM

Duke getting into a scrap.

Matt Weston at 12:07 PM

COWARDS

UprootedTexan at 12:07 PM

Oh crap, I’m behind.

(Patriots first possession)

Joe Critz at 12:10 PM

this has been a bad season but if we’re able to sink the patriots today, all will be forgiven

Carlos Flores at 12:11 PM

After that screen, I don’t think so lol

Matt Weston at 12:11 PM

If you’re a Houston pass rusher, and actually getting a pass rush, it might be a screen pass.

UprootedTexan at 12:12 PM

Egads.

admiralackbaritsatrap.jpg

Carlos Flores at 12:13 PM

The Patriots can do anything they want to us.

Matt Weston at 12:14 PM

Whitney Mercilus tofu edge setter

UprootedTexan at 12:14 PM

Not much new there.

Joe Critz at 12:14 PM

just need cam to have another bad game and deshaun just needs another good game

Carlos Flores at 12:15 PM

I’m surprised Cam didn’t tuck it for a few yards there.

Nvm, they remembered that they can run the ball.

bigfatdrunk at 12:16 PM

This defense is LOL bad.

(Patriots touchdown. Patriots lead 7-0)

Joe Critz at 12:16 PM

yuck

Matt Weston at 12:16 PM

This is the worst run defense in the league.

Joe Critz at 12:17 PM

the patriots are exceptional at making football not fun

UprootedTexan at 12:17 PM

The processing has begun.

Matt Weston at 12:18 PM

There is nothing enjoyable about this defense at all. Just hot squelching and scorching liquid kitten splattering the field.

Joe Critz at 12:18 PM

smoking hot raingus, baby!

Carlos Flores at 12:18 PM

LeBron James after Taco Tuesday levels of squirts.

Joe Critz at 12:19 PM

OH MY [DURGA]

someone reading the HOTD thread on Monday or Tuesday is officially gonna get sick

but it was worth it

Carlos Flores at 12:20 PM

It’s me, I’m someone.

UprootedTexan at 12:20 PM

They’ll be used to the feeling after watching this game.

(Texans second possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:21 PM

What a grab by Cooks!

Joe Critz at 12:21 PM

okay here we go DEEP SHOT TO FULLER

that’ll work

Matt Weston at 12:21 PM

alcoholic bloody bile day seven of a bender toilet bowl painting

Oh, wow, I didn’t know Brandin Cooks could catch a pass that had a depth of target past 7 yards

Joe Critz at 12:22 PM

that sentence came deep within ur psyche, matt

LETS GO COOKS

KEEP SAYING DISGUSTING THINGS

Carlos Flores at 12:23 PM

Jordan Akins with a nice grab. Deshaun Watson is beautiful.

Joe Critz at 12:24 PM

wooo!

Matt Weston at 12:24 PM

throw the ball 65 times a game

Carlos Flores at 12:24 PM

TD Cobb!

Joe Critz at 12:24 PM

LETS GO

(Watson to Cobb touchdown! Patriots lead 7-6 with the extra point to come)

(Extra point is good. Game tied 7-7)

l4blitzer at 12:26 PM

Good, we avoided the shutout

Joe Critz at 12:26 PM

this is what we need to win

l4blitzer at 12:26 PM

Now, back to our run defense

UprootedTexan at 12:26 PM

Cobb getting stretched out.

Joe Critz at 12:26 PM

we just need the pats to goof up one possession and then as long as we keep throwing the ball, we’ll be good

and the pats offense is extremely messy so they will absolutely have a few terrible possessions

Carlos Flores at 12:28 PM

I love the optimism, Joe! I’m personally still stuck in the bargaining stage of grief, so I’ll be right behind you.

UprootedTexan at 12:28 PM

Opti-what now?

Joe Critz at 12:29 PM

it’s not so much optimism as it is a deep seeded hatred for everything patriots

(Patriots second possession)

Joe Critz at 12:29 PM

the patriots are one of the worst teams in football but have rode a tremendous wave of luck and good fortune to be back in contention

they are literally almost as bad and as deep in a rebuild as we are

they’ve certainly drafted worse than we have

which is saying something

UprootedTexan at 12:30 PM

You can’t convince me they added that seventh playoff spot specifically because they knew NE wouldn’t be as good this year but didn’t want to leave them out of the playoffs.

Joe Critz at 12:31 PM

exactly i hate it

sometimes all you need to be a good nfl coach is luck

UprootedTexan at 12:31 PM

Have any of y’all had any problems getting a turkey for Thanksgiving this year?

Joe Critz at 12:31 PM

and belichick found the [kitten]ing chalice of endless fortune

l4blitzer at 12:31 PM

Well, when Easterby convinces Caserio to take the GM job, we will be just fine... all the NE draft glory coming this way

Matt Weston at 12:31 PM

NE isn’t making the playoffs

[Durga], the devil, the #7 seed, nothing is going to get them in

UprootedTexan at 12:31 PM

He absolutely sold his soul to Bud Adams to be this dominant for this long.

Joe Critz at 12:32 PM

we actually were lucky to find plenty of turkeys

that is a terrible sentence haha

no we did not have a hard time, which is different than other years. Usually the grocery stores are low on stock, but not this time around

(Texans third possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:33 PM

We would usually get it from somewhere like BB’s or anyone who smokes turkeys. This year we’re passing on Thanksgiving, though.

Matt Weston at 12:34 PM

If you actually love your family you’ll put some queso in that bird.

Carlos Flores at 12:34 PM

ANIMAL.

UprootedTexan at 12:34 PM

Mrs. UT likes queso but she says she’d divorce me if I tried to queso up that bird.

Joe Critz at 12:34 PM

cheese turkey?

UprootedTexan at 12:35 PM

Personally, I can’t stand the stuff so it’s not coming anywhere near it.

Carlos Flores at 12:35 PM

Oh no.

UprootedTexan at 12:35 PM

Matt, present the queso turkey for Joe, please.

You’re going to regret asking about this Joe.

Joe Critz at 12:35 PM

oh boy haha

i feel dread

dipping some turkey in queso actually sounds not that bad

Carlos Flores at 12:37 PM

This is not that at all.

UprootedTexan at 12:38 PM

Not even a little.

Joe Critz at 12:38 PM

what did someone dunk an entire turkey into a barrel of hot cheese

Matt Weston at 12:39 PM

FEAST YOUR EYES ON [DURGA]

[Editor’s Note: Ladies and Gentlemen, please be advised that the following image is not for the faint of heart, the easily offended, or those with weak constitutions. On behalf of all of us at BRB, except maybe Big Matt, I’d like to personally apologize for asking Matt to post this. I regret the error.]

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

[Editor’s Note 2: Seriously, this is your last chance.]

.

.

.

.

.

.

[Editor’s Note The Final: Okay, you’ve been warned. You’re on your own.]

Joe Critz at 12:39 PM

WHAT THE [KITTEN]

UprootedTexan at 12:39 PM

[Durga], it’s somehow worse every time I see it.

Joe Critz at 12:39 PM

OH MY [DURGA]

WHO DID THIS

why would you do this?????

it looks like it was caked in charcoal and then pumped with cheese?????

UprootedTexan at 12:41 PM

Matt, did you actually try this at home? Please tell me you didn’t try this at home.

Matt Weston at 12:41 PM

I may have to cook one for my birthday this year, since the FACISTS at Outback Steakhouse may not let us have 12 people at a table.

SECOND QUARTER:

Joe Critz at 12:41 PM

it literally looks like it’s leaking queso like that’s it blood

Matt Weston at 12:41 PM

Bon Appetit - Chile-Rubbed Turkey

Joe Critz at 12:41 PM

okay that actually looks edible

Matt Weston at 12:41 PM

You cook this, and then jam the cheese in the hole. [Durga] [kitten] I’m feeling some sort of way right now.

Joe Critz at 12:42 PM

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING

Carlos Flores at 12:42 PM

mmm, Outback bread.

UprootedTexan at 12:42 PM

You knew that had to be holding because it was a positive play for Houston.

Matt Weston at 12:42 PM

keke is alive

UprootedTexan at 12:42 PM

Cheesecake Factory bread > Outback bread.

Hoo boy Watson got lucky on that one.

Joe Critz at 12:43 PM

i want you all to know that my face actually scrunched up in disgust when you sent me that picture

(Patriots third possession)

UprootedTexan at 12:43 PM

That’s a pretty standard response.

Joe Critz at 12:43 PM

it gave a physical reaction to me

maybe u can just use the turkey as a big mug of hot cheese

and you just like drink it

UprootedTexan at 12:45 PM

You’re only making it worse, Joe.

Joe Critz at 12:45 PM

someone really saw the hole in the turkey and thought “I know what needs to be jammed in there, CHEESE”

Carlos Flores at 12:46 PM

You could also break off one of its legs and shove it into the hole. Then you have a cheese covered turkey leg.

UprootedTexan at 12:46 PM

STOP THAT!

Joe Critz at 12:46 PM

[Durga] i gotta stop looking at it

i gotta stop

it’s like some demon spawn

UprootedTexan at 12:47 PM

There is a Texans game going somewhere in all of this. Right? I know I’m way behind but they’re still playing right?

::sees long NE run::

Well “play” has so many different meanings...

Joe Critz at 12:48 PM

the texans are attempting football right now

yknow i think one of guys sent them that turkey picture

Carlos Flores at 12:49 PM

They were always going to run at least one trick play like that.

Joe Critz at 12:49 PM

and they were so disgusted that bill o’brien asked to get fired and they’ve been just recovering

l4blitzer at 12:50 PM

New England is just rubbing it in...base offense should be enough against our D

UprootedTexan at 12:52 PM

The ref sounded almost as surprised the penalty was against the Patriots as I was.

Joe Critz at 12:52 PM

haha

it’s against the rules to throw a flag on the patriots

goes against our patriotism

l4blitzer at 12:53 PM

Well, they aren’t the Patriots of old, so flags against them are ok.

Matt Weston at 12:53 PM

The Patriots offense is tough, smart, and dependable.

Joe Critz at 12:54 PM

what if they actually hire o’brien again

please let them do that

(Patriots kick a 45-yard field goal. Patriots lead 10-7)

Joe Critz at 12:54 PM

that’s good!

stopped them for marching down the field and getting a td

UprootedTexan at 12:55 PM

Oh man, what if he tries to get Belichick’s job when he retires and somehow snakes it away from Josh McDaniels.

bigfatdrunk at 12:55 PM

Seeing Matt’s turkey must be what it’s like to see me naked. It can’t be unseen.

Joe Critz at 12:55 PM

CHEESE TURKEY CHEESE TURKEY CHEESE TURKEY

l4blitzer at 12:55 PM

Can’t see Kraft letting that happen. Kraft would take McDaniels every time before he even considering BO’B

UprootedTexan at 12:56 PM

I know, but I really love the idea that he would, it amuses me.

Joe Critz at 12:56 PM

say it three times in front of a mirror on thanksgiving and the cheese turkey demon will haunt you

(Texans fourth possession)

l4blitzer at 12:57 PM

Eh, I figure some college program will snag BO’B...if Syracuse fires their current coach, I feel like they will make a run at him

Carlos Flores at 12:57 PM

Josh McDaniels is like a guy who has been raised to take over his dad’s car dealership, tried exploring new avenues, was too scared to take a risk, and has resigned himself to wasting away in the Northeast’s best Fiat dealership.

UprootedTexan at 12:58 PM

I just sent the turkey picture to Mrs. UT. She refuses to look at it and I expect if she does she will not be Mrs. UT for very much longer.

Joe Critz at 12:58 PM

that really is a good synopsis of his story too haha

bigfatdrunk at 12:58 PM

Josh McDaniels is the coaching equivalent of Cal McNair.

Carlos Flores at 12:59 PM

OOF.

UprootedTexan at 12:59 PM

Except he’s more of a weasel than Kyle.

l4blitzer at 12:59 PM

After the ghosting job he pulled on Indy, I really don’t know why any owner should trust McDaniels

UprootedTexan at 1:00 PM

Why are we still running the ball?

Carlos Flores at 1:00 PM

Jordan Akins is having a decent day.

In striking distance.

UprootedTexan at 1:01 PM

Gah! Please stop showing Steve Belichick.

He’s the turkey con queso of coaches.

Joe Critz at 1:01 PM

he really is haha

he’s a caveman

Matt Weston at 1:01 PM

Houston gave Eric Murray a 3-year $18 million contract. New England gave Adrian Phillips a 2-year $6 million contract.

Carlos Flores at 1:02 PM

If you ever muttered those words in a mexican restaurant, they’d turn you into chorizo.

UprootedTexan at 1:02 PM

But is Adrian Phillips tough, smart, and dependable?

Joe Critz at 1:02 PM

CHEESE TURKEY

Carlos Flores at 1:02 PM

Deshaun Watson is a grown ass man.

UprootedTexan at 1:02 PM

Carlos, take it up with Matt, he’s the one who coined the term.

(Watson runs it in for the touchdown! Texans lead 14-10)

Matt Weston at 1:04 PM

Deshaun is the only thing that matters. He’s the quaternity.

bigfatdrunk at 1:04 PM

Bill Belichick:Bill O’Brien::normal turkey:Big Matt’s nasty, burned turkey con queso.

l4blitzer at 1:05 PM

They keep running the Bradshaw ad for the Lake Charles casino, but is there one still standing after the recent spat of hurricanes that hit that part of Louisiana?

Joe Critz at 1:05 PM

just gotta hold onto the lead now!

bigfatdrunk at 1:06 PM

Sure, Joe, but why?

UprootedTexan at 1:06 PM

STOP THE GAME!

Any points scored now is interfering with the game, it’s game fraud!

Matt Weston at 1:07 PM

The turkey ain’t burned doggy. It’s just the New Mexico baste. Get cultured.

Joe Critz at 1:07 PM

i believe in watt to stop a few runs

EXCUSE ME

l4blitzer at 1:07 PM

The New Mexico baste...is that with red or green sauce?

(Patriots fourth possession)

Joe Critz at 1:07 PM

it’s covered in OIL

Carlos Flores at 1:08 PM

It’s covered in Hatch chile.

UprootedTexan at 1:08 PM

Oil doesn’t burn a turkey like that unless you leave it in the oven for like seven hours or something.

Matt Weston at 1:09 PM

it’s those dry mexican chili peppers you gotta boil to rejuvenate them

Carlos Flores at 1:09 PM

That sounds like a latino cover band of RHCP.

l4blitzer at 1:09 PM

Ah...more flavorful than the Old Bay, which is in everything around here

UprootedTexan at 1:09 PM

The Texans are challenging that? And it might be successful? We really have turned a corner.

l4blitzer at 1:11 PM

What!?!?! We won a challenge against Belichick? Unpossible!

Joe Critz at 1:11 PM

LETS GOOOO

Carlos Flores at 1:11 PM

Ralph Wiggum is the funniest character on The Simpsons.

Matt Weston at 1:11 PM

You gotta make an Old Bay turkey and send us back the dossier on it

Carlos Flores at 1:12 PM

Tyrell Adams got lucky there.

l4blitzer at 1:12 PM

For this defense...better lucky than good

Matt Weston at 1:13 PM

Cam isn’t the same at all anymore. Getting knocked down my LJJ is depressing.

UprootedTexan at 1:13 PM

LOL, the defense gets a stop only because the runner fell down after the non-tackle.

(Texans fifth possession)

Joe Critz at 1:14 PM

WOOOO

if we score here that will be amazing

UprootedTexan at 1:15 PM

184 yards of offense and Watson is responsible for all but three of them. That’s hilarious.

Matt Weston at 1:15 PM

lol yeah, I love that Watson loves playing the Pats, and tends to torch them.

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

Joe Critz at 1:17 PM

there are two minutes left till NRG STADIUM SINKS INTO THE ABYSS

UprootedTexan at 1:18 PM

Wait, Bane is at the stadium?!

Carlos Flores at 1:19 PM

My [Durga], Pharaoh Brown.

Joe Critz at 1:19 PM

aaaa

AAAA

l4blitzer at 1:20 PM

The Patriots know they are playing the 2020 Texans, right?

UprootedTexan at 1:20 PM

Holy crap that was some Marshawn Lynch type [kitten] right there.

Matt Weston at 1:21 PM

Is Pharoah Brown the best tight end of the —POST Gary Kubiak era?

UprootedTexan at 1:22 PM

This is certainly the most TE-heavy game since the Kubiak era, that’s for [kitten] sure.

Or at least TE-heavy where they’ve actually caught the ball.

l4blitzer at 1:22 PM

That was always so strange about the BO’B era, given how he used TEs at NE and Penn State

Howard clubhouse leader for Texans LVP for the game

Matt Weston at 1:23 PM

he tried to use TEs, but they were all bad: Graham, CJF, Griffin, etc

bigfatdrunk at 1:23 PM

That’s a tough place for Howard to be in.

UprootedTexan at 1:24 PM

Argh!

l4blitzer at 1:24 PM

True about the lack of quality for TEs

Joe Critz at 1:24 PM

dog dang howard

if we can get a td all we gotta do is just show up for the second half

bigfatdrunk at 1:25 PM

Keke Coutee sighting.

Joe Critz at 1:25 PM

couteeeeee

UprootedTexan at 1:25 PM

STOP GETTING PENALTIES YOU MORONS!

Joe Critz at 1:26 PM

no see this is the belichick effect

because he’s the luckiest coach ever, you’re never allowed to get a nice lead on him. Literally anything else will happen before that

Carlos Flores at 1:26 PM

COUTEE TOUCHDOWN?!?!?!

l4blitzer at 1:26 PM

Can’t think the last time I saw a team get multiple ineligible downfield penalties on the same drive

Joe Critz at 1:26 PM

LETS GO

THANK YOU

FOR PROVING ME WRONG

bigfatdrunk at 1:27 PM

Deshaun Watson is otherworldly.

Kenneth L. at 1:27 PM

He’s alive!!!!

Watson looks great

Carlos Flores at 1:27 PM

Keke just set the doghouse on fire.

(Watson to Coutee for the touchdown! Texans lead 21-10)

UprootedTexan at 1:27 PM

You are NOT imagining things, ladies and gentlemen!

Kenneth L. at 1:27 PM

Watching Tytus run on that play made me giggle

bigfatdrunk at 1:28 PM

Think about all the petty grudges BOB has had through the years, guys like Coutee. BOB did so much damage to the team because he is such a weak man.

Matt Weston at 1:28 PM

[Kitten] you Bill O’Brien!!!!!!

Joe Critz at 1:29 PM

YOU SUCK TOO!

he’s probably screaming that at his tv right now

l4blitzer at 1:30 PM

All that hullabaloo for the spot for a kneel down

UprootedTexan at 1:30 PM

That touchdown was neither tough, nor smart, nor dependable and should not be approved as such.

—Bill O’Brien, probably.

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

Joe Critz at 1:31 PM

i’m excited!!!

Carlos Flores at 1:31 PM

A surprisingly lively game. The offense is clicking, Rod Johnson is doing an admirable job at LT, and the defense hasn’t been as poopy the last few drives. All in all, it should make for either a fun or incredibly painful second half.

Joe Critz at 1:32 PM

we look good, got a nice lead at halftime, just gotta hang on and the game is ours

Matt Weston at 1:32 PM

[Kitten] Bill O’Brien, [Kitten] the Patriots

Kenneth L. at 1:32 PM

Watson looks more comfortable today than he has all season in

l4blitzer at 1:33 PM

Figured that if the Texans were going to do anything, Watson would have to be at near [Durga] Mode. So far, this has been his game. The D is doing enough to mitigate NE. The Patriot pass D = almost as bad as our run D. Will see if the Texans can adapt to Darth Belichick’s halftime adjustments

PJ Walker at QB for the Panthers? Cool.

Joe Critz at 1:35 PM

having an okay game so far, too!

UprootedTexan at 1:36 PM

Good for him!

THIRD QUARTER:

(Patriots fifth possession)

UprootedTexan at 1:46 PM

P.J. Hall is hurt.

Joe Critz at 1:48 PM

dang

Carlos Flores at 1:48 PM

Bradley Roby came flying in.

bigfatdrunk at 1:48 PM

Dang.

Joe Critz at 1:49 PM

I’m lucky enough to have been invited to try out Amazon’s Luna game streaming service

and that’s what i was messing around with the past few days and during halftime haha

UprootedTexan at 1:49 PM

I’ve never even heard of Luna.

Is it like Twitch?

Yikes, Burkhead’s down now.

Joe Critz at 1:50 PM

and it’s actually not that bad! my internet isn’t extremely fast and pretty choppy here and there, but the stream has been very consistent and only occasionally freezes up

Luna is like Amazon’s version of google stadia

it’s a game streaming service that they made their own controller for and it works a lot like netflix

but for the most part game streaming services just aren’t worth it cuz u mostly need a really good internet for it to be playable.

but i mean i get 250mbps download at around 25mbps upload, which is fast but not that fast, and it works very well for the most part

(Texans sixth possession)

Joe Critz at 1:53 PM

SCORE AGAIN

UprootedTexan at 1:53 PM

I’ve never done much with Stadia so I’m not terribly familiar with it, but that does sound pretty interesting!

Joe Critz at 1:54 PM

it’s all part of the brave new streaming world that is supposed to eventually come to video games

but game streaming demands very high and consistent internet speeds, so i still think we’re a few years away. but man i

I’m impressed by luna so far

maybe the future is coming sooner than i expect

it does have some twitch integration but not much

wasn’t ready for burkhead to be hurt

Matt Weston at 1:57 PM

NAP TIME

(Patriots sixth possession)

UprootedTexan at 1:57 PM

Sounds like Joe Burrow just got injured.

Joe Critz at 1:58 PM

oh no!

man i hope it isn’t serious

he’s gotten hit so much this year

UprootedTexan at 1:59 PM

It’s bad enough to get the cart out. According to Schefter it’s a left knee injury.

Joe Critz at 1:59 PM

oh crap

hopefully that’s just precautionary

Carlos Flores at 1:59 PM

Defense is doing what they need to do.

Big 3rd down right here.

[Kitten].

Joe Critz at 2:00 PM

AGH

UprootedTexan at 2:01 PM

Sigh, of course they give up the first down on third and way long.

Matt Weston at 2:02 PM

I hate Jacob Martin coverage reps

Joe Critz at 2:02 PM

that’s what he did against the pats last year, too

did a lot of right things, but somehow gave up obnoxious big play after obnoxious big play

of course we won that game

Carlos Flores at 2:03 PM

Defense broke.

Joe Critz at 2:03 PM

so those like five 3rd and 15 conversions that the pats had last year didn’t mean much

UprootedTexan at 2:03 PM

I didn’t get to see that game because I was flying home from Houston; I always assumed that was why the Texans won that game.

Matt Weston at 2:04 PM

lmao send Philip Gaines to the glue factory along with David Johnson and DeAndre Carter

(Patriots touchdown. Texans lead 21-17.)

Joe Critz at 2:04 PM

NOOOO

Matt Weston at 2:04 PM

every NFL telecast needs more SKA

It’s hilarious how bad your pass defense has to be to give up a deep pass to NE

Joe Critz at 2:06 PM

yuck

okay now we gotta score here

UprootedTexan at 2:07 PM

That’s okay, all we have to do is run the clock and we’ll win.

That’s what Bill O’Brien taught me about winning football.

Joe Critz at 2:07 PM

lets see if romeo can do it

(Texans seventh possession)

Joe Critz at 2:08 PM

giving up an 11 point lead against maybe the worst offense in the league would be pretty impressive

UprootedTexan at 2:08 PM

If there’s any team that’s capable of it though...

Carlos Flores at 2:09 PM

I thought I heard The Mighty Mighty Bosstones! It feels like X-Games.

Kenneth L. at 2:09 PM

Wait why is Roderick Johnson in?

UprootedTexan at 2:09 PM

Thanks Pharaoh.

Tunsil was a scratch for today’s game.

Kenneth L. at 2:10 PM

Fun

Carlos Flores at 2:11 PM

He hasn’t been so bad!

UprootedTexan at 2:12 PM

Wow, they converted!

Joe Critz at 2:12 PM

wooooo!

UprootedTexan at 2:13 PM

That was straight filthy.

Joe Critz at 2:13 PM

fullord

UprootedTexan at 2:15 PM

Stop. Running. The. Ball.

Nothing good can come from it.

Joe Critz at 2:15 PM

CHUM

Carlos Flores at 2:16 PM

The fact that throw was in the ballpark on one foot was amazing.

Matt Weston at 2:17 PM

COWARDS

(Ka’imi Fairbairn’s 36-yard field goal attempt is good. Texans lead 24-17.)

l4blitzer at 2:18 PM

At least they got something out of that drive. Getting a feeling that the last team with the football wins.

Joe Critz at 2:18 PM

at least it’s a 7 point lead

haha remember stephon gilmore

i forgot he existed

Matt Weston at 2:19 PM

I’d pick Watson getting two yards over a Fairbairn field goal to try and stretch the lead to 11 against a team with a [kitten]ny pass offense

Joe Critz at 2:19 PM

me too

(Patriots seventh possession)

Joe Critz at 2:19 PM

2 yards is too easy with watson

UprootedTexan at 2:21 PM

Muffed it!

Joe Critz at 2:21 PM

WHAT

WHAT HAPPENED

IM LIKE 30 SECONDS BEHIND

UprootedTexan at 2:21 PM

Pats muffed it but recovered it.

Joe Critz at 2:22 PM

oh dang

UprootedTexan at 2:22 PM

And the defense is playing like its [kitten] is on fire.

Joe Critz at 2:22 PM

i was about to be so excited haha

hahaha

UprootedTexan at 2:22 PM

At least on that one play.

And now Brandon Dunn is hurt.

Joe Critz at 2:22 PM

well at least the defense remembered its identity

Matt Weston at 2:23 PM

Cool, we are at the Donte Moncrief makes an appearance part of the simulation

bigfatdrunk at 2:24 PM

Murray was barely on the screen for that catch.

Joe Critz at 2:24 PM

pain man

COME ON

DONT BLOW THIS GAME

FOURTH QUARTER:

Kenneth L. at 2:27 PM

Carson Wentz looks worse than I could imagine

Carlos Flores at 2:27 PM

Jon Greenard with a sack.

Joe Critz at 2:27 PM

it bums me out

GREENARD

bigfatdrunk at 2:27 PM

A rookie finally did a thing.

Joe Critz at 2:27 PM

i loved wentz

what happened to him

UprootedTexan at 2:28 PM

Nick Foles gave him a complex.

Kenneth L. at 2:28 PM

Look at Greenard!!!

Joe Critz at 2:28 PM

GREENARDDDDD

UprootedTexan at 2:28 PM

Newb sack!

Matt Weston at 2:29 PM

Sick long arm

Kenneth L. at 2:29 PM

The drafting of hurts ruined wentz

Joe Critz at 2:29 PM

yeah nick foles did something to his brain and then hurts getting drafted made it malignant

UprootedTexan at 2:30 PM

Un-[kitten]ing-real.

Joe Critz at 2:31 PM

COME ON

COME ON MAN

i can’t watch this game

how many 2nd and 20s are we gonna give up

like the patriots do NOT want to win this game

UprootedTexan at 2:31 PM

Against this defense, it could be 3rd and 90 and I’d still give them a 50/50 shot of converting.

Joe Critz at 2:32 PM

seriously man it’s unreal

bring in somebody from the stands

Kenneth L. at 2:32 PM

Our defense playing soft is not fun

UprootedTexan at 2:32 PM

I think they would, Joe, except Texas A&M would probably sue them for stealing their schtick.

bigfatdrunk at 2:32 PM

Our defense playing is not fun. FIFY.

Carlos Flores at 2:33 PM

Justin Reid with a big sack.

Joe Critz at 2:34 PM

asinine punk REVENGE GAME

bigfatdrunk at 2:34 PM

I cannot remember the Texans ever running a blitz like that.

Carlos Flores at 2:34 PM

LOLOLOL JOE

Joe Critz at 2:34 PM

that tweet was so funny haha

the twitter equivalent of rage quitting a video game

Carlos Flores at 2:34 PM

Wow, we are just lathering on the pressure right now.

Joe Critz at 2:35 PM

DO IT AGAIN

UprootedTexan at 2:35 PM

I think Rivers should get half credit for that sack there.

Matt Weston at 2:35 PM

Eric Murray finally did something

Kenneth L. at 2:36 PM

I’ll take that

Matt Weston at 2:36 PM

When you really think about it, all life is, is just trading field goals until you eventually die

Kenneth L. at 2:36 PM

Kendall lamm comes in for browns

(Patriots 36-yard field goal is good. Texans lead 24-20.)

Joe Critz at 2:37 PM

now you just DO SOMETHING ON OFFENSE and the game is over

(Texans eighth possession)

bigfatdrunk at 2:37 PM

Kareem Hunt just crowdsurfed for a TD. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something like that before.

Joe Critz at 2:37 PM

welcome to 2020 haha

UprootedTexan at 2:38 PM

Sounds like a great idea during a pandemic.

Joe Critz at 2:41 PM

okay well here we go

UprootedTexan at 2:42 PM

Do the [kitten] thing, Fuller!

Joe Critz at 2:42 PM

FULLER 1000 YARD SEASON

come on just convert

either duke johnson or fuller will get a 1st down

Carlos Flores at 2:44 PM

If Akins didn’t trip, that may have gone all the way.

Joe Critz at 2:44 PM

or watson scrambling

ughhh

Carlos Flores at 2:44 PM

Ka’imi trying to live up to that Top 3 kicker money.

UprootedTexan at 2:45 PM

Of course they’re not going to give us a flag there.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn’s 46-yard field goal attempt is good. Texans lead 27-20.)

UprootedTexan at 2:45 PM

Clench everything, y’all.

Joe Critz at 2:46 PM

If i was calling plays i would be so frustrated that akins tripped and i’d say we’re going for it on 4th and 3

(Patriots eighth possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:46 PM

It would be very Belichickian to tease us with a nice win today, just to rip our hearts out at the very end.

Joe Critz at 2:46 PM

exactly

every single patriots game this year has been lose the entire game and then SOMEHOW everything breaks right for them at the end that they have a shot to steal victory

and i’m so over it haha

UprootedTexan at 2:49 PM

Oh [kitten], I forgot we have the Thanksgiving game this year.

Carlos Flores at 2:49 PM

J.J. could have intercepted that.

Joe Critz at 2:50 PM

maybe we’ll get to see deshaun eat the cheese turkey

or, yknow, attempt to eat it

UprootedTexan at 2:50 PM

Now why would you want to do that to Deshaun? He never did anything to you.

Joe Critz at 2:50 PM

hahaha

that’s what he gets for winning

punishment

UprootedTexan at 2:51 PM

This [kitten]ing defense, I swear to [Durga].

Joe Critz at 2:52 PM

KILL ME

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

UprootedTexan at 2:53 PM

Make your peace with [Durga] now.

Joe Critz at 2:53 PM

man ur if gonna let them score just let them do it

bigfatdrunk at 2:53 PM

Right? I’d rather take my chances with Watson than the D.

Joe Critz at 2:53 PM

give the ball back to watson and let him march downfield again

if only akins would’ve not tripped, this game would be over

BUT SINCE IT’S THE PATRIOTS

it has to be suffering until the final seconds

well all know romeo crennel is a good defensive coach

like i mean are you seeing this

what a legend

Carlos Flores at 2:55 PM

LJJ just cost us a timeout. Lovely.

UprootedTexan at 2:58 PM

And now the Pats have to burn a timeout, so we’re even again.

Carlos Flores at 2:59 PM

J.J. is going OFF.

UprootedTexan at 2:59 PM

CBS is playing Coming to America? Cool!

bigfatdrunk at 2:59 PM

Missed on the cut block.

Joe Critz at 3:00 PM

man if we could tackle

bigfatdrunk at 3:00 PM

Another double safety blitz on that play. Really interesting. I’m hip.

Matt Weston at 3:00 PM

They’ve run that a few times today BFD, and I dig it too

Joe Critz at 3:00 PM

END THE GAME HERE

Carlos Flores at 3:00 PM

It’s certainly ballsy.

Matt Weston at 3:01 PM

This has probably been the most impactful LJJ game aside from when they didn’t call him for holding v. KC last year

Carlos Flores at 3:01 PM

Fig Newton goes down. That’s game.

Joe Critz at 3:01 PM

LETS GOOOOOO

bigfatdrunk at 3:01 PM

Wow, another DB blitz. I think that’s the most I have seen the Texans do that.

Joe Critz at 3:01 PM

CRENNEL THE DEFENSIVE LEGEND

Kenneth L. at 3:01 PM

Wow we were all wrong

Tehehehe

(Turnover on downs. Texans ball!)

(Texans ninth possession)

Joe Critz at 3:02 PM

LETS GOOOOO

Carlos Flores at 3:03 PM

Still feels scary for some reason.

l4blitzer at 3:03 PM

Feels weird to say, but I think the D won the game in the second half

Joe Critz at 3:04 PM

honestly i think ur right

they gave a lot up but they tightened up when it mattered

(Patriots ninth possession)

Kenneth L. at 3:05 PM

There is a great chance we mess this up

Carlos Flores at 3:05 PM

This is going to be some funny stuff.

Joe Critz at 3:05 PM

you’re right, it’s not over till it’s over haha

l4blitzer at 3:06 PM

This is the Texans, but I have faith in Smith...I think

bigfatdrunk at 3:06 PM

I don’t think Cam can throw it into the end zone anymore.

He’s no Peyton, but Cam’s arm strength is done.

Carlos Flores at 3:07 PM

Caught it short. PHEW

Joe Critz at 3:07 PM

THANK [DURGA]

TEXANS WIN!!!

FINAL SCORE: TEXANS 27 - PATRIOTS 20.

UprootedTexan at 3:07 PM

TEXANS WIN!!!

l4blitzer at 3:08 PM

Ok, good. I didn’t jinx the Defense after my praise comment

Joe Critz at 3:08 PM

hahaha

what a game! way to step up

defense looked way better this game, still not good but they looked okay, watson is still amazing

Matt Weston at 3:09 PM

Go Texans

Always and forever, screw the New England Patriots

UprootedTexan at 3:09 PM

Amen.

See y’all Thursday afternoon.

Er, Thursday morning, I guess.

Joe Critz at 3:13 PM

Lets go Thanksgiving!

GAME BALLS:

Offense - It’s becoming cliche but I think Deshaun Watson earned it this week for being the entire offense for at least the first half of the game.

Defense - Gotta go with Justin Reid on this one. He got three tackles for a loss and the first sack of his career.

Special Teams - Eh, I guess we have to go with Ka’imi Fairbairn since he didn’t miss a kick this week.

Okay, BRB faithful, at least those of you who comment on here anymore, got any differences of opinion about this week’s game balls? Want to let Weston know what you really think about unleashing his turkey con queso upon an unsuspecting public (again, sorry)? Go ahead and let us have it in the comments.