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Totally Not Fake News: The Latest Texans Fan

2020 hasn’t chased away all of the fans

Watching his favorite quarterback
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LÜTZEN/RÖCKEN, GERMANY- It would seem an interesting locale for a Texans fan, this small village located in the eastern expanses of modern day Germany. When we say small, we do mean small, as it barely exceeded 600 people (in what population statistics are available). However, aside from maybe winning a Euro or two in a German geography bet at the bar, this town does have one other claim to fame. Its most famous resident is also the newest celebrity fan of the Houston Texans.

“Of course I am a fan of the Texans” opined Friedrich Nietzsche “Why wouldn’t I be?” The famed German philosopher, whose writings in the second half of the 19th century did much to drive modern thought on life, God and the constant struggle of man to find his place in the world. “Love what I see going on there with that team, or at least, if I was capable of such a thing as love, which I am not.”

Setting aside the fact that Nietzsche has been dead for 120 years… “What, we’ve already killed off God, why wouldn’t we have killed off Death? If Death is dead, then we do not die, and we can transverse between life and death. Since there is no Death, and since we killed off God, there is no one to regulate the realm between life and death, thus, we can have this conversation, despite what is said about my life and death.”

As we attempted to decipher that last statement or three, Nietzsche proceed to describe how he came to view the Texans as worthy of his attention. “Always had a thing for those sort of out there folks, especially if they take the view of life that ultimately, it is not filled with any real hope or purpose. My boys Wagner and Dostoyevsky, they fit my style perfectly. Long-winded, bombastic at times, and the endings, all filled with no expectation of hope or victory...perfect.”

When asked how exactly that fit into the Texans, Nietzsche did not answer right away. “Ahhh…my first hit in a while.” “What?” “Oh, just had to pop a couple of opioid pills. Damn, where the hell was this back in the day? Had to go with the old, need…”

Friedrich Nietzsche
Doesn’t look too medicated, right?
Photo by Time Life Pictures/Mansell/The LIFE Picture Collection via Getty Images

“Herr Nietzsche?! The Texans!”

“What about the Texans? What is this “Texans” thing you speak of?”

“The point of this interview.”

“What is the point of this interview? What is the point of any interview? What is the point of “is”?”


“What is the…oh, hell, my buzz just ended…ok, where were we? Actually, where are we? Where will we be, or can we be? Alright, the Texans, yes, anyway, my reasons why…”

“Go on.”

“Well, as you know, I tend to see life as a ‘what’s the point?’ sort of game. Yes, this American football is a game of sorts and well, even if there is a situation where there is a winner or loser, there is presumption of hope. Yet, I then see the Texans and I notice, ‘Where is the hope and where is the purpose?’”

“Yes, Watson is a great player and I am damned glad he is on my fantasy team, but what is the point of what he is doing? He will put up all of those stats and he will throw it all over the place, but to what purpose? There is no championship in his future for this year. Also, there is the built-in torment of false hope with the whole worst team getting best draft picks, but since the Texans don’t have to worry about that. It is as if they are the perfect team for me, playing with no short or long term hope.”

When asked if couldn’t have just been a Cleveland or Detroit fan, Nietzsche just blanched “Why the hell would anyone waste their life cheering for those losers?”

We did ask if he perhaps had followed Green Bay at one point “Alright, I’m going to stop you right there. Ever since the 1960s, I always hear that damned joke, especially from that douche Heidegger ‘Hey, how was it playing for Lombardi?’ or ‘I remember that great game against Detroit when you limped the pick-six into the end zone.’ That’s usually when I tell him that he was a dumbass in the Hawthorne short story…such is the afterlife for us philosophers. Of course, since Death is now dead, and there is still no God in the way since we killed him, there is really not such a thing as afterlife or life or life-after-death. Of course, if we killed God, but then killed Death, how could God still be dead? If that is the case, then God is alive, and then there is once against Death, but then, we just kill them all again, for them to kill us again…”

Green Bay Packers
It is easy to see how you could mistake one for the other, right?
Photo by Focus on Sport/Getty Images

“So, anyway, in the existence that we occupy at a given point and space, the lame-arse Nitschke jokes are so passé. Besides, Heidegger knows that during that time, I was all about the Butkus. Big bruising linebacker, treating other players like we treated the French in the Franco-Prussian War…or at least until the one night at the French brothel…still drives me nuts, literally. He [Butkus] was more my style, toiling away on a team that did noting and went nowhere. Kinda like [J.J.] Watt now.

When asked if any other folks he knew were Texans fans, he demurred “Well, they are certainly gaining some converts in the nihilist school right now. Their lack of purpose or hope, stuck just living and playing, it does match our beat. Heard Wagner thought of updating the Gotterdammerung to have the BO’B coda, but that could just be the long-standing ringing in my ears that hasn’t stopped since 1889. Anyway, I’ll keep tabs on the team. They seem like they will be the poster children for my school of thought for seasons to come.”