Hair of the Dog - Happy Fun Schmuckball Edition (Texans/Lions on Thanksgiving!)

First of all, I hope y’all had a very happy and safe Thanksgiving and that you ate as much as you could without actually exploding. I got way too close for comfort in this respect.

And before the whirlwind of food and companionship there was Texans football (or maybe it was concurrent for you, how would I know? I’m just up here minding my own business) to watch. It was a fairly weird game all told but generally fun to watch what with Deshaun Watson doing Deshaun Watson things. And not only did the Texans win, but the Texans’ victory led in no small part to the Lions firing their head coach and general manager and Lions fans donating to Deshaun Watson’s charity. You and me and literally hundreds of us were a part of that. Granted, we did the absolute minimum in just watching the game, but we were a part of the moment! Don’t you feel kind of like you contributed something worthwhile without even having to change out of your sweatpants? Well, I did, anyway.

Since I don’t have much to discuss on here about the game (it was three days ago, after all), I’ll keep this brief and get on with this week’s Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work. Sigh, yes, work awaits again after the long weekend. It sucks but it keeps food on the table, not that you need any more food on the table after Thursday.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION:

Carlos Flores

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! May we all eat until we pass out and not have to endure today’s shoddy football.

bigfatdrunk

The Houston Texans are the pumpkin pies of the NFL.

UprootedTexan

Delicious but still inferior to pecan pie?

Carlos Flores

Pecan pie is the worst of any pie. It’s the only Texan thing that I can’t get along with.

UprootedTexan

I feel like this is a fireable offense.

I’m watching the parade instead of the pregame show because I can’t stand them anymore and it is creepy to see nobody watching on the curb.

Carlos Flores

Right! Any weird floats so far?

Kenneth L.

hey hey

l4blitzer

Well, admittedly a bad pecan pie can ruin all thoughts of good pecans...but yeah, some redemption may be needed

Kenneth L.

so i am trying to resell or get rid of 20+ video games. is there good value to be had from these gamecube, wii, and xbox games?

UprootedTexan

Only just turned it on but there’s a golden turkey float from Jenny-O with something called Bebe Rexha(sp?) singing on it.

bigfatdrunk

LOL a montage of Thanksgiving football aka 60+ years of Loins misery.

Nice to see the crowd at the Loins game hasn’t changed a bit.

Carlos Flores

Certain GameCube games are having a moment right now. Wii games are a little tough, and Xbox has such good backwards compatibility, that who knows what the market is there.

l4blitzer

Should’ve shown the botched coin toss against PIT. That was a Detroit highlight.

UprootedTexan

eBay’s usually a good indicator of what you can get for those games.

We’ll get the greatest touchdown in Thanksgiving history more than once, aka the Justin Forsett touchdown.

Carlos Flores

How do you botch a coin toss?

l4blitzer

The ref missed the call from the Steelers

UprootedTexan

I remember that vaguely, I think the ref heard the wrong call from the Steelers?

l4blitzer

Bettis said tails and the ref called heads (IIRC)

Carlos Flores

LOL OH NO

UprootedTexan

Are...are they autotuning the national anthem or is this guy just butchering some of these words on his own?

Like he said “rye-ket” instead of rocket. The [kitten]?

l4blitzer

Ah, glorious pumped in crowd noise

UprootedTexan

Probably for the better since COVID’s spiking again.

FIRST QUARTER:

(Texans first possession)

Carlos Flores

Who’s handling the first touchdown today? Cooks? Fuller?

UprootedTexan

CHUM!

I’ll go dark horse and say Coutee

bigfatdrunk

It’s amazing how we haven’t figured out that opposing teams WANT us to return kickoffs.

Carlos Flores

[KITTEN], Keke almost had something there.

l4blitzer

Gimme that old-time a CHUMing, Gimme that old-time a CHUMing!!!

Capt Ron

Garrison Bros and Mango Habanero wings go well together.

Watson scores the first touchdown with his legs.

Carlos Flores

Good conversion. Please don’t run on first down.

Also, hey Ron!

UprootedTexan

Ron! Good to see you!

bigfatdrunk

The Texans are amazing offensively when the play clock has expired.

Carlos Flores

Did the clock run out there?

l4blitzer

Wow!!! I think I could have caught a pass in that zone

UprootedTexan

::Eddie Murphy voice::

My girl wants to

CHUM all the time

CHUM all the time

CHUM all the tiiiiiiime...

l4blitzer

And another drop...

Carlos Flores

Yeesh.

UprootedTexan

Sigh....

Carlos Flores

Tytus got smoked.

l4blitzer

Another opening drive that went nowhere. Glad to see that we are playing to form

bigfatdrunk

Yeesh.

UprootedTexan

Not saying it changes the ultimate end of that drive but why the [kitten] would you CHUM there or ANYWHERE for that matter?

(Lions first possession)

l4blitzer

It is a compulsion for the Texans. CHUMing is just in their nature.

UprootedTexan

Diary Of A Wimpy Kid balloon.

Carlos Flores

Because Bill O’Brien is still puppeteering Tim Kelly from the grave.

l4blitzer

Still trying to overcome Clockwork BO’B

Joe Critz

happy thanksgiving everyone!

Capt Ron

I see Tim Kelly still has BOB’s play sheet firmly in hand. It might even be a tattoo for all we know.

UprootedTexan

Happy Thanksgiving Joe.

Joe Critz

i’ve already eaten way too much chex mix cuz i can’t wait till dinner haha

Carlos Flores

Hey Joe! I’ve had 5 slices of pie since yesterday. I might go into a sugar coma.

UprootedTexan

I know I’m getting old because not only have I never heard of so many of these musical acts in the parade but I also think the songs suck too.

Joe Critz

nice tackle by cunningham!

Capt Ron

Great to be back with y’all today. I have been working insane hours the last several weeks. Four days off feels so good!

Carlos Flores

You picked a great time Ron, it looks like AP won’t be doing much of anything today.

Joe Critz

i got a lot of final projects for school due very soon but NOT YET

l4blitzer

Lions also subscribing to the glory of the CHUM

UprootedTexan

The Lions are going to match us CHUM for CHUM.

That’s very thoughtful of them.

Joe Critz

nooooo

Carlos Flores

Ok, so they convert. However, I’m very happy that they sent Reid on the blitz there. It’s ballsy.

l4blitzer

We are also generous on the zone coverage

UprootedTexan

Do you suppose Belichick tricked BOB and Matt Patricia into thinking that CHUMs are a good idea?

I mean it sounds like something he would do.

bigfatdrunk

Blitzed 2 DBs on 3rd. Carrying on from last week.

Capt Ron

The Lions are wearing the uniforms of a poorly funded high school JV squad.

UprootedTexan

I don’t know, I kind of like them. They’re boring but they look nice.

Matt Weston

great depression [kitten] LOINS

Carlos Flores

LOL this team and trick plays.

l4blitzer

I think the Lions TE slowed up as he didn’t ever figure he could get that open.

UprootedTexan

The second they tossed it back to Stafford I knew that was going to be an explosive play.

Matt Weston

every time someone is that wide open it’s because LJJ is turning back and chasing

Carlos Flores

Phew, AP almost proved me wrong.

Oh boy, that angle isn’t favorable.

UprootedTexan

I think his knee was down. Not that it matters.

(Lions touchdown. Lions lead 7-0)

l4blitzer

Lions have a train horn?

UprootedTexan

You’d think being in Detroit it’d be a car horn.

Matt Weston

Adrian Peterson is going to be the starting running back in Detroit for the next thirteen years

l4blitzer

Maybe it is, but it sounds like a train horn on the TV

Joe Critz

how much longer is matt patricia gonna last as lions coach

i think he’s done this year, but he’ll last the full season

Matt Weston

Matt Patricia and his stupid track suit can go to [kitten]

UprootedTexan

This sounds right, it feels right.

l4blitzer

I would put some money on Patricia being gone come Black Monday...unless he channels his inner Wayne Fontes and wins out for the season

Carlos Flores

Did Macy’s just try to make socks into an acceptable gift?

l4blitzer

Anything for money this time of year..

Joe Critz

i really wanna see the lions like be a winning team and at least win one playoff game with stafford before he’s done, but man they have some work to do now the patricia has blown up the skill positions

Capt Ron

TWSS

l4blitzer

...and here we go...

UprootedTexan

And despite all this, despite Patricia, despite BOB, despite Mangini and Crennel, despite the first Josh McDaniels head coaching adventure, somehow people still think New England coordinators are worth considering for head coaching jobs.

(Texans second possession)

Carlos Flores

Deshaun Watson is beautiful.

Joe Critz

joe judge might be a good coach tho!

l4blitzer

Deshaun high-stepping...that was fun

UprootedTexan

I thought it looked like he did a Deion there.

A CHUM that worked?

I’m confused.

Joe Critz

LETS GO CHUM FOR THANKSGIVING

Carlos Flores

Duke did a Carlos Hyde impression.

l4blitzer

Or like prime Cristiano Ronaldo.

Joe Critz

CHUM ME UP BABY

Carlos Flores

Holding.

Joe Critz

oop spoke too soon

Matt Weston

Pharoah Brown holding as the fullback on lead because the refs are cowards

UprootedTexan

Oh sure, the one non-CHUM run and it’s called back for holding.

Carlos Flores

Just catch the ball, Pharoah.

l4blitzer

Hence why we CHUM

UprootedTexan

Dude was offside [Durga][kitten]it

l4blitzer

And why we don’t throw more screens

Carlos Flores

Did Tony Romo just say that the Lions can’t do anything right?

bigfatdrunk

The DE read the play and told Watson so.

UprootedTexan

Ugh...

Joe Critz

welp

watson almost did something amazing there

(Lions second possession)

Matt Weston

Hopefully Tim Kelly has figured out once again, that running the ball is a lie and a waste of our lives.

l4blitzer

Credit to the Lions blowing up the Oline the last two plays.

UprootedTexan

Parade is doing something honoring First Nation peoples which is different.

Joe Critz

hey guys this applies to us kinda i found it on twitter the other day

l4blitzer

And of course, later on, we get a game featuring the team formerly named after a ethnic slur used for First Nations peoples.

Carlos Flores

I know it’s Five Nights, but does this mean that we’re about to get jumped?

The fact that they may stick with Football Team is hilarious.

UprootedTexan

I wondered if they might just to troll people.

(JJ Watt plucks the ball out of the air like an apple and runs it back to the end zone for a touchdown! Extra point is no good. Lions lead 7-6)

Matt Weston

I hope they stick with football team. I love football team.

LMAO JJ

UprootedTexan

Because Daniel Snyder is a petty [kitten].

JJ WATT!

H2EWOTHNS;LKENRG;WLEFNE;LGKJENRJG

l4blitzer

WATT!!!!WATT!!!!! WATT!!!!

Carlos Flores

A vintage JJ moment.

bigfatdrunk

WOW.

l4blitzer

BY GAWD, THAT’s WATT’s MUSIC!!!

Capt Ron

Watt!!!!,!

UprootedTexan

And we get a delay of game on the extra point.

Joe Critz

OH ASDJGAJKG JJ

l4blitzer

...and we follow up with a delay of game, because TEXANS...and we miss it.

Carlos Flores

What a beautiful thing. Then of course Ka’imi has to ruin it.

Joe Critz

TEXAS

UprootedTexan

[Durga][kitten]it Ka’imi.

I think they’re doing a musical about the Temptations now?

They got guys lip-syncing to “My Girl” who are definitely not the Temptations.

Capt Ron

Poorly-coached team sucks the fun out of a great play by Watt. He deserves better!

Matt Weston

The Temptations are too sinful. My virgin ears can’t listen to them.

(Lions third possession)

Carlos Flores

BALL RECOVERED BY ROBY.

UprootedTexan

GET THE BALL GET THE BALL GET THE BALL!!!

l4blitzer

“Turnovers come in waves”...thanks Romodomus!!!

Joe Critz

LETS GOOOO

(LIONS FUMBLE AND RECOVERED BY BRADLEY ROBY!)

(Texans third possession)

Matt Weston

lol just play Kerryon Johnson

Joe Critz

kerryon has been a massive disappointment since getting drafted

Carlos Flores

Led Duke a little too far on that throw.

l4blitzer

Good rebound by Duke there

Capt Ron

This day of football is not the same without Madden and his 6-legged turkey.

l4blitzer

That was the turducken, right?

Joe Critz

spider turkey

CHEESE TURKEY

UprootedTexan

No, Joe, we’re trying to discourage that.

Octo-turkey.

Carlos Flores

Ooo, PI and we’re at the goal line.

l4blitzer

We’ll have no more of the CHEESE ** stuff, thank you

Matt Weston

Houston might have gone 2-2 if they played Duke Johnson instead of David Johnson this year.

UprootedTexan

Sigh, really? A CHUM there?

l4blitzer

The ol’ #1 CHUM...good as feared

(Watson to CJ Prosise for the Texans touchdown! Texans lead 13-7)

Carlos Flores

Prosise is still in.

Wow, TD for Prosise.

Matt Weston

what the [kitten] that wasn’t Kahale????

Joe Critz

They were giving him a td regardless of what was going on haha

LETS GO

l4blitzer

Prosise “Grab my face mask one more time [kitten]!!!”

UprootedTexan

SPONGEBOB BALLOON!

Carlos Flores

$1,000,000, but you hear nothing but Spongebob’s laugh in your head when you’re trying to fall asleep.

Capt Ron

Should have gone for 2 and fired the kicker. #KickersAreNotFootballPlayers

Carlos Flores

Someone had a wonderful tweet where they said Football is the only sport where you can have D.K. Metcalf and Rodrigo Blankenship playing on the same team.

(Lions fourth possession)

UprootedTexan

Carlos, is that for the rest of my life or does it end at some point?

l4blitzer

Please inform #93 that this is not two hand touch

Carlos Flores

Cunningham still not finishing tackles.

Still can’t play the screen either.

UprootedTexan

They might wanna review that.

Okay maybe not.

l4blitzer

Poorly thrown screen pass, falls down and we still give up a huge play

Matt Weston

I do like CEPHUS

Capt Ron

Texans should call Wilfork. He could do better than this trash, even with one arm handling the smoker.

l4blitzer

This quarter, every single Stafford pass was caught by someone.

Matt Weston

Wilfork wasn’t even good in Houston, he was a meme, he wasn’t good at playing football

SECOND QUARTER:

l4blitzer

But looking at what we have on the DL against the run for the 2020 Texans, would Wilfork really be that bad?

Carlos Flores

He’d certainly take up enough space.

l4blitzer

I think I would take 2020 Wilfork over Dunn at this point.

UprootedTexan

Tom and Jerry float because they apparently have a movie coming out because it’s apparently 1958.

And now they’re doing St. Patrick’s Day marchers since their parade was cancelled.

Capt Ron

This Bud Light - Giants commercial actually got a full LOL from our crew here.

UprootedTexan

Aw, [kitten], I was hoping it was another turnover.

Challenge time.

l4blitzer

Eh, why not a challenge?

UprootedTexan

That might be a fumble!

He was losing control of the ball before his knee was down.

Kenneth L.

We talk about teams not being ready for the game? Detroit didn’t come ready to play

l4blitzer

I think that the RB’s butt was on the other Lions’ shoe when it started coming loose. Otherwise, it would still be Detroit’s ball.

UprootedTexan

It’s tradition at this point.

Joe Critz

LETS GOOO

man kerryon isn’t gonna be getting many reps now

feel bad for him cuz i think he’s alright but adrian peterson is just ahead of him for some reason

Carlos Flores

Fumble recovery!

UprootedTexan

Texans ball!

l4blitzer

Crennel: master of the challenge.

Joe Critz

LETS GO

(Texans fourth possession)

Joe Critz

honestly at this point tho i wouldn’t be surprised for adrian peterson is just a better back

(Prosise fumbles the ball, Lions recover)

Carlos Flores

Prosise gives it up.

UprootedTexan

Aw [kitten].

l4blitzer

I think my dad just said it best: “No one wants to win this game.”

Joe Critz

it’s another funny game

UprootedTexan

This. Is. Schmuckball.

Matt Weston

John PENISini sighting

Joe Critz

didn’t we just have one of these games a few weeks ago

well that’s great

(Lions fifth possession)

l4blitzer

Can we stop the CHUMing now?

Joe Critz

is everson griffin the new ziggy ansah

bigfatdrunk

How did they run an instant replay but with the uniforms reversed. Weird.

Capt Ron

Lets send Tim Kelly up the middle naked and crying.

UprootedTexan

Aw [kitten] what now?

l4blitzer

We are good and determined to let Detroit score a TD here, aren’t we?

UprootedTexan

[kitten]bent, one might say.

Carlos Flores

Pfft, no resistance whatsoever.

(Lions touchdown. Lions lead 14-13)

Joe Critz

i wish this would’ve been the game we could’ve seen some isiah coulter

yuck

Matt Weston

Adrian Peterson scares me. He’s some berserk werewolf.

l4blitzer

Sorry Mercilus, but your shoulder does not generate enough force to knock over a NFL running back

Kenneth L.

That’s on Adams.

UprootedTexan

Don’t be scared Big Matt, it’s not like you’re a toddler or something.

He can’t hurt you.

Carlos Flores

I was scared to make that joke, but I’m glad you did UT.

Matt Weston

AHhhhhhhh my little nuts!!!!!

Capt Ron

Prosise needs to stay on the bench until he remembers “three points of contact” when running with the football.

Carlos Flores

OUT OF BOUNDS LOL

(Texans fifth possession)

l4blitzer

Wow, the stupid continues for this game...Brilliant!!!

UprootedTexan

Well that’s one way of keeping the ball out of Prosise’s hands.

Capt Ron

Fire all the kickers?

l4blitzer

The line judges are going to need Tommy John surgery after this game.

Carlos Flores

Make the two point try mandatory.

Deshaun had eyes in the back of his head there.

UprootedTexan

Deshaun Watson remains a wizard.

Nantz: Duke Johnson with the change of pace run.

If by “change of pace” you mean bringing the pace to a dead stop, then yes, this is a correct statement.

l4blitzer

Watson does have a smooth slide

3rd and 1, you must CHUM...

Capt Ron

I‘d be willing to fund a bounty on Tim Kelly for his terrible play calling, but the inevitable flush and fill of coaching staff is just a few weeks away anyway.

Carlos Flores

Dang these Apple commercials being all stylish and stuff. The Homepod Mini is a tough sell.

Look for Coutee.

Dang, didn’t use him.

Capt Ron

To think they can actually get people to pay for electronic listening devices with AI and willingly place them in their homes is incredible.

UprootedTexan

Le CHUM. Again.

l4blitzer

....and there you go. A functional CHUM

Probable holding

Carlos Flores

Look, $100 is just not viable. Not when Alexa is just so dang cheap. All they’d hear around our house is spanish novelas.

l4blitzer

Confirmed holding...par for this game

UprootedTexan

Too much to hope for there.

Carlos Flores

Got caught holding the Penisini.

Matt Weston

Nick Martin really holding on tight to PENISini

(Watson to Duke Johnson for the Texans touchdown! Texans lead 20-14!)

Carlos Flores

WHAT A TD THROW TO DUKE.

l4blitzer

Oh, I see!!! Watson just wanted to pad his stats there...11-ty degree chess by #4 there. Call the deliberate holding, and then make the circus catch.

Carlos Flores

The man is playing 4D chess while we’re all just playing 52 pickup.

l4blitzer

All the key highlights to show how stupid this game has been. Cool.

(Lions sixth possession)

l4blitzer

Was that his first pass not caught in the field of play?

Capt Ron

He wasn’t outside the tackle box. No flag?

Carlos Flores

Lonnie whiffed.

UprootedTexan

This [kitten]ing defense.

Joe Critz

LMAO

Carlos Flores

A wrap up tackle by Cunningham? What?

l4blitzer

Shocked!!! I’m shocked to see this D give up another 3rd and long

UprootedTexan

Wow! A stop on third down.

l4blitzer

A STOP!!!! I did see that, right?

Carlos Flores

Look Big Matt, Jacob Martin with successful coverage!

Successful meaning early contact that probably should have been flagged.

(Texans sixth possession)

Matt Weston

Woo! Yeah! It only took eleven games for it to not be a complete waste of life.

UprootedTexan

LOL, that RPO even threw off the cameraman.

Joe Critz

Another classic Tony Romo groan

l4blitzer

Some decent CHUMing this game. I fear we may try to stick with it

UprootedTexan

Fuller’s become a pretty reliable receiver.

Capt Ron

...and his hamstrings are holding up well too!

l4blitzer

Eh, Watson probably moved sooner. Bad blocking up the middle

UprootedTexan

Someone badly [kitten]ed up their coverage.

Carlos Flores

See, trading away Hopkins was ok.

UprootedTexan

And another delay of game.

l4blitzer

Are we trying to give our punter more room on this drive?

Capt Ron

A new OL coach. Stuff one of those in the Texans’ stocking please!

UprootedTexan

Epic field goal time.

Wow, 2nd and 24 and they got it all back and then some.

l4blitzer

Watson, you can’t keep padding stats like that against everyone.

OPI?

Carlos Flores

It looks like Deshaun is having fun today.

l4blitzer

Brown’s not going to have a good film room review this weekend.

UprootedTexan

Pharaoh Brown is burning off whatever good will he generated from last week’s game with these dumb[kitten] penalties.

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

Matt Weston

Where did Kahale go?

Joe Critz

Yes

UprootedTexan

Some dude is singing in front of a giant kneeling Jolly Green Giant.

Joe Critz

FINALLY

UprootedTexan

Giant polka-dotted sun face balloon. A work by Yayoi Kusama(sp?)

Joe Critz

Yes actually!

Carlos Flores

A replay of the Henry run from earlier in the season is exactly what I wanted this holiday season.

Joe Critz

At least I’m pretty it’s her they said it was the first parade float to be designed by a woman

l4blitzer

Helps with the digestion

UprootedTexan

Seven friggin’ penalties.

Unreal.

Carlos Flores

That was HORRIBLE.

GET THIS WARNING OFF OF MY SCREEN.

UprootedTexan

Oh great NOW what did the Texans do?

What warning?

Joe Critz

Yuck

Carlos Flores

I don’t even have cable!

Its a BS CBS warning about U-verse or something.

Joe Critz

I’m getting it too, something about dish network taking away local channels

l4blitzer

I think we really do want to punt on this drive

UprootedTexan

Oh, NBC had one for DirecTV.

Matt Weston

Tytus Howard and Laremy Tunsil are virgins who can’t make blocks in the screen game, Roderick Johnson is a CHAD who makes that block look like doing the dishes.

Carlos Flores

The cable companies understand just how much people don’t want to watch the Texans.

UprootedTexan

[Kitten], that would’ve been a phenomenal catch.

Capt Ron

Boss Baby pro tip: Not everyone over the age of 35 is a “Boomer!” You cant shove Gen-X’rs into their parent’s generation.

l4blitzer

Akins needed to make that catch, even with the defender there

(Ka’imi Fairbairn 42 yard field goal attempt is good. Texans lead 23-14.)

Joe Critz

Field goal is okay, just prevent them from scoring before halftime and we got a real nice lead

(Lions seventh possession)

l4blitzer

So Detroit can’t take the lead until after the 1st possession in the second half...guess that will work out.

UprootedTexan

Did they REALLY have to bring up Super Bowl XL in all this? Really?

l4blitzer

Was that some actual pressure on Stafford?

Carlos Flores

Holding. Eric Freaking Murray.

UprootedTexan

Me just now: Are you gonna throw a flag on tha—OH COME ON I WAS KIDDING!

l4blitzer

Murray to P. Brown: You can’t be the top screw up on the team...That’s my job!!!

UprootedTexan

Vernon Hargreaves: Hold my [kitten] beer.

Matt Weston

Eric Murray is the Zach Fulton of the defense

UprootedTexan

Or is Zach Fulton the Eric Murray of the offense?

l4blitzer

Yes

UprootedTexan

It took 16 people to take Matthew Stafford down by the ankles.

(Texans seventh possession)

l4blitzer

Ok, it’s going to take Detroit until after its second 2nd half possession to take the lead

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

Capt Ron

The halftime of this game seems like a perfect time for a fried turkey with liquid cheese in its cavity.

Carlos Flores

It’s a ballgame! The offense has found what can very vaguely be called a groove. The defense is a walking penalty flag right now, so this might come down to the wire in the second half.

UprootedTexan

Ron! We’re trying to discourage that now.

We get letters. (Not really)

Matt Weston

[Durga] Bless your heart Ron. I’m making a turkey next weekend because of this blasphemy from the rest of you.

UprootedTexan

Eight penalties in a half and the Texans are still somehow ahead by nine. This is the epitome of schmuckball.

LEGO DRAGON!

A FIRE BREATHING LEGO DRAGON!

Capt Ron

What parade are you seeing?

l4blitzer

This game is just soooo stoo-pod that it is kinda fun. Texans with way too many dumb penalties and Detroit with way too many turnovers. The epitome of dumb football.

UprootedTexan

The one on NBC.

And they just said it’s time “for some good ol’ rock and roll” and the Goo Goo Dolls are playing.

I have never felt so old in my entire life.

Carlos Flores

How old is “Iris” anyways?

1998! That song can drink alcohol now.

UprootedTexan

It was recorded in 1997.

Carlos Flores

It’s only got three more years on its parents insurance.

UprootedTexan

Two more years until its car insurance rates drop significantly.

Matt Weston

[Kitten]it what the [kitten], where was the KID ROCK halftime show?

THIRD QUARTER:

UprootedTexan

Who would he be performing for?

Matt Weston

This isn’t the football game I tuned into!!

For us, the viewer at home!

UprootedTexan

You think people at home WATCH the halftime show?

(Lions eighth possession)

Matt Weston

I LIVE for the KID ROCK halftime show every year bawidaba baby

UprootedTexan

I...I can’t even...

l4blitzer

Right where our run defense left off I see...

Carlos Flores

Get Vernon Hargreaves off this team.

UprootedTexan

The best part is that “I can’t even” could work for either Matt’s bad Kid Rock take or the Texans defense.

Carlos Flores

Our holiday nuts are going to be black and blue by the time AP is done with us.

Matt Weston

What can I say, I’m A COWBOY BABY

UprootedTexan

Do you suppose Kid Rock eats turkey con queso?

l4blitzer

Well, we have improved on yardage allowed: 19, 11, 5.

Matt Weston

turkey con Jim Beam and Grizzly Wintergreen

l4blitzer

3...maybe we can hold...HAHAHAHAH!

Carlos Flores

Oh my [Durga], a turkey covered in dip spit.

UprootedTexan

I swear to Durga, Matt, if you ever find a picture of this I’ll lobby Tim to have you fired.

l4blitzer

Play action next...a chance for Murray to fail?

Or, just run it again

UprootedTexan

Lawd, this defense is the football equivalent of turkey con queso.

l4blitzer

Both can lead to nausea after prolonged exposure.

Carlos Flores

1,000,000,000 but you have to be Kid Rock’s personal spittoon.

Matt Weston

Oh Lawd, this defense just killed the baby

UprootedTexan

Like forever or is there an expiration date on this offer?

Carlos Flores

For a whole year.

UprootedTexan

Done.

I’ll go through a lot for a billion dollars.

Carlos Flores

He’s not spitting on you, though. He’s spitting in your mouth.

l4blitzer

Stafford running? Now they are just trolling us.

Matt Weston

Whitney Mercilus is like if Jacob Martin was a Clayfighter

UprootedTexan

[To Carlos]...I’m thinking.

Oh man I have not thought about Clayfighters in forever.

Carlos Flores

WOAH, Clayfighter brought back some old memories.

UprootedTexan

A trick play that barely didn’t work.

Carlos Flores

Matthew Stafford almost dunked on this franchise.

l4blitzer

Oh why not...Stafford catching passes (almost). Why not against us?

Matt Weston

Josh STAFFORD

(Lions challenging the incompletion by Stafford)

UprootedTexan

This is so stupid it’ll probably get overturned.

Elf on the shelf balloon. If I ever find whoever created him, I’m going to kill him.

Carlos, I think I’d still do it.

Assuming he doesn’t have like an STD or something, which he undoubtedly has.

l4blitzer

Retro logo for the Sunday night movies...for a retro concept.

Capt Ron

Stafford con queso results in an incomplete reception. No “football move“ before losing the ball.

Carlos Flores

I was going to say, that billion dollars could pay for all the diseases that you’d be bound to catch.

l4blitzer

Hargreaves actually makes a tackle? He’s in the zone now.

UprootedTexan

Wow, Hargreaves stopped and tackled a receiver? I’m confused.

l4blitzer

You have to wonder why Detroit threw? We can’t stop the run. Worked for us, but just wondering...

(Lions 29 yard field goal is good. Texans lead 23-17.)

Matt Weston

Detroit’s passing offense is so bad without Kenny Golladay

UprootedTexan

I feel like there should be a drinking game for every time someone on TV says “in these uncertain times” or something to that extent.

l4blitzer

Given the way this game will go, any bets on the Texans going 3 and out?

UprootedTexan

No bet.

(Texans eighth possession)

l4blitzer

4 and out?

UprootedTexan

LOL

Matt Weston

Zach Fulton has been replaced by Senio Kelemete because [Durga] is indifferent

Carlos Flores

They mentioned the Forsett play. DRINK!

Good throw to Fuller.

UprootedTexan

Now THAT was a defenseless receiver, Romo.

l4blitzer

Passing to set up the CHUM...nice strategery.

UprootedTexan

Houston Texans Stop Running The Ball Up The Middle And Possibly Fumbling It Challenge.

Matt Weston

Keke dodging lasers to steal the Mona Lisa

Carlos Flores

Look at Keke, straight dipped someone.

UprootedTexan

That was beautiful.

l4blitzer

Coutee showing how being short can be an advantage.

Matt Weston

I love it when Akins pulls that same move off

Carlos Flores

Holding

Who was that, Kelemete?

UprootedTexan

That’s gonna be holding.

Matt Weston

[Durga] [kitten]it Kahale is in. Come on, come on, come on.

UprootedTexan

Kelemete

l4blitzer

Yep...the blessing and curse of Watson. More room to pass I guess

Oh, actually smart by Detroit. Maybe

UprootedTexan

Ed Rooney: Did you know the Texans have been penalized nine times?

Ferris Bueller’s mother: Nine times?

Ed Rooney: Nine. Times.

Carlos Flores

Declined the penalty? Interesting.

Akins has to make that catch.

UprootedTexan

No excuse for that.

Matt Weston

Kahale would have made it.

l4blitzer

Yeah, not a great Watson throw, but he could have had that one.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn 26-yard field goal attempt is good. Texans lead 26-17)

Matt Weston

Kid Rock saved my sexless marriage, and the fascists at CBS couldn’t even get him 15 minutes of stage time smh...

(Lions ninth possession)

l4blitzer

Welp, that offsides won’t matter maybe.

And Fuller is stretching...hopefully a good thing.

Carlos Flores

Look at Reid getting a sack. That’s nice.

l4blitzer

Were the Texans calling for a false start?

(Justin Reid nearly intercepts the ball, ruled incomplete.)

Carlos Flores

PICK FOR REID!

UprootedTexan

LOLOLOLOLOLOL JUSTIN REID!

Carlos Flores

[kitten].

l4blitzer

3rd and long. Prime Det offense...or not...

UprootedTexan

Oh for [kitten]’s sake.

l4blitzer

The punt might give the Texans better field position.

Matt Weston

Carrying out Justin Forsett’s memory by picking that ball off the ground and running with it

Carlos Flores

Wow, that would have been beautiful.

l4blitzer

Or not

(Texans ninth possession)

Matt Weston

Man, I don’t know who is who, and what is what anymore

How is it already 2 p.m. [Durga] [kitten] this game is long

l4blitzer

Ideal would be a 4-5 min drive ending with a touchdown, but these are the Texans, so I am not that confident.

FOURTH QUARTER:

l4blitzer

Akins with the CHUM? That was actually kinda cool. Don’t do it again.

UprootedTexan

By the end of the season, every “skill” player on this team will get at least one CHUM.

(Watson to Fuller on a rainbow touchdown! Two point conversion is successful! Texans lead 34-17.)

l4blitzer

...and another flag. The refs now have to throw with the non-dominant hand.

Nice!!!

UprootedTexan

Oh BABY!

Carlos Flores

Deshaun Watson with the Madden read on that TD.

l4blitzer

Like it going for two here.

UprootedTexan

Going for two?

l4blitzer

Worst case, it is still a 15 point game.

Make it, a 3 score game.

Da shovel pass. Can’t hate it

UprootedTexan

I’ll be [kitten]ed, it worked.

I’m still not sure why you’d go for two there but hey, at least it worked.

l4blitzer

With this defense, the bigger the lead the better

Capt Ron

Nice couple of scoring plays there!

(Lions tenth possession)

UprootedTexan

That’s a [kitten] fine point, Ron.

Don’t, don’t, don’t even try to make the playoff point for the Texans, Romo.

l4blitzer

False hope...isn’t that the way of the Texans?

UprootedTexan

This is the way.

l4blitzer

Too much cushion... at least force the Lions to go for it.

Carlos Flores

Justin Reid is making an impact today.

l4blitzer

A 4th down stop? This is Detroit...

(Turnover on downs. Texans ball)

(Texans tenth possession)

Capt Ron

I think that defensive stop earns some diced green chiles to the turkey con queso!

l4blitzer

To reward themselves, the Texans will give themselves 3 straight CHUMS

(Handoff to Duke Johnson, tosses back to Watson, Watson throws to Fuller for an untouched trip to the end zone. Texans lead 41-17)

Carlos Flores

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

UprootedTexan

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Capt Ron

Holy crap! Awesome!!

UprootedTexan

That was some backyard football [kitten] and I’ll take it all day.

(Lions eleventh possession)

l4blitzer

A trick play that works...Kelly is almost cured from Clockwork BO’B

Capt Ron

Fried mac&cheese cubes for everyone!

UprootedTexan

He will only be cured when he gives up running CHUMs.

l4blitzer

Eh, conversion, but keep the clock running.

UprootedTexan

Omenihu is hurt.

l4blitzer

Dagummit! No injuries today, ok?

UprootedTexan

It’s still schmuckball, but it’s happy fun schmuckball.

l4blitzer

Do not taunt Happy Schmuckball. Do not use Happy Schmuckball near open flames.

And the Oscar for best injury fake out goes to...

Good coverage from Hargreaves? Man, this is a bizzaro game.

(Lions touchdown. Texans lead 41-25)

UprootedTexan

Well [kitten].

Carlos Flores

That ball had JUST enough to get there.

[kitten] Ron, fried mac and cheese sounds LEGIT.

l4blitzer

Onside kick attempt time?

UprootedTexan

Probably

Or not. Squib kick

l4blitzer

Interesting play, but with our running game, maybe not.

(Texans eleventh possession)

Capt Ron

These Berdoll Pecans I picked up yesterday in Cedar Creek are excellent! I need to make a pie with them.

UprootedTexan

How are they different from other pecans?

Capt Ron

Not too dry, large halves (no crumbs), long nutty finish that reminds me of.....pecans.

UprootedTexan

Nice.

Carlos Flores

I want Tony Romo to pronounce Oruwariye.

l4blitzer

Earlier in the game, Nantz and Romo were telling each to take turns pronouncing the name.

UprootedTexan

The DeAndre Hopkins seal of approval:

Capt Ron

Then again, the Garrison Bros I picked up in Hye, Texas might be throwing off the tasting here.

UprootedTexan

Aw man, if they hadn’t gotten the delay of game that’d be a first down.

l4blitzer

Yep...at least a better punt result.

Need to tighten up the coverage now

(Lions twelfth possession)

Capt Ron

Watt has the most vicious swim move

l4blitzer

Take your time Det...we don’t mind

Carlos Flores

LOL did you see Watt just shove Omenihu?

UprootedTexan

Just keep chewing up clock, that’s fine.

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

Carlos Flores

This must be how it felt for other teams when BOB would play from behind in the 4th.

l4blitzer

GLORY TO ALL GARBAGE TIME OFFENSE!!!

UprootedTexan

No, I missed that.

Carlos Flores

Wow, Nate Hall almost got a strip sack.

UprootedTexan

Missed it by that much.

l4blitzer

Almost...good effort though.

Carlos Flores

So, it seems that DHOP tweeted that 2nd rounder tweet from earlier.

NATE HALL AGAIN!

Forget Brandon Dunn lol

l4blitzer

At this rate, Hall might take over the team’s sack lead

Carlos Flores

Wrong spot, I like Tyrell Adams today. So, he can stay away.

(Turnover on downs. Texans ball!)

(Texans twelfth possession)

Carlos Flores

That’s a W.

Tony Romo said we should be excited. LOLOLOLOL

FINAL SCORE: TEXANS 41 - LIONS 25.

UprootedTexan

TEXANS WIN!

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Capt Ron

Lily from AT&T level excited or turkey con queso excited? The Watt pick six and the Watson to Fuller trickery TDs made this game fun for sure.

Carlos Flores

That play of the game segment with J.J. made me incredibly happy. It was a win that resulted from a bunch of turnovers. We’ll have a much tougher sled in the Colts next week, so let’s enjoy today and the holiday. Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!

l4blitzer

Got some time to get ready for them at least.

UprootedTexan

No turkey leg winner, probably due to COVID, but it sounds like it would’ve gone to Deshaun (duh) if they were doing one.

Okay, enough of this, go get some food, y’all!

Matt Weston

I hope all of you have a beautiful day. It was fun hanging out online with y’all this morning.

Kenneth L.

Just a note - we’re 4-3 after firing O’Brien.

GAME BALLS:

OFFENSE - I think you have to give it to Deshaun Watson, right? After the kind of game he had and, like was said in the thread, if there was a drumstick winner of the Thanksgiving game, it would be him.

DEFENSE - This is going to be pretty basic, but I’m giving it to J.J. Watt for his pick-six in the first quarter. Because he intercepted the ball and ran into the end zone with it for a touchdown. Duh.

SPECIAL TEAMS - The caterers.

What do you have to say BRB? Want to tell some stories about your Thanksgiving? Want to argue about who should get a game ball? Or maybe you want to talk about how great the Texans win was. The floor is now yours!