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Totally Not Fake News: State of the Texans

The present, the future...and yaks.

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A picture of calm...just like the Texans organization right now.
Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

HOUSTON, TX – As the NFL enters the final quarter of this most irregular of regular seasons, all teams find themselves no only focused on finishing out the year, but also thinking of the future. For the Houston Texans, while there are officially four games remaining on the schedule, there are other, more significant contests that do not show up on the schedule.

For some on the team, the situation is still positive. “Things are honestly going well for us,” noted Team President Jamey Rootes. “We currently have twice as many second-place finishes as next-to-last results. That’s a lot of silver medals, and at last check of the markets, silver is still doing quite well. I know some are down on us for some reason, as if we are making mistakes on and off the field. Yet, we are good. Between all the silver we’ve obtained on the field and all the money that our loyal marks, er, fans continue to pump into my, er, the Texans’ coffers, things are solid. After all, we here at the Texans are all about profit. Priority one: Profit. All other priorities are secondary.”

TL; DR Version: You give me money, I make money

While some could be reassured by Rootes’ assertions, others are taking a different approach. Recent reporting from LinkedIn, and other on-line resume/job-seeking websites indicate an increased level of traffic from various individuals based out of Houston, particularly near NRG Stadium, 2 NRG Park, Houston, TX 77054.

“Man, are we seeing a ton of traffic come out of that area. A whole lotta resumes are being sent/posted, and a lot of job offerings being asked for and/or applied to at a high rate” noted one career advisor. “Can’t provide names, unless you are going to post a job opening, but I can give you some insights.”

After some discussions and a subsequent exchange of money and hard liquor, we at Totally Not Fake News were able to see some of the resume/objective statements being provided to these sites.

  • Current coaching assistant seeking position where I can work without the fear of being brainwashed into making redundant, stagnant decisions no matter the circumstances. Seeking a leadership-type role where I can expand upon improved creativity/productivity in highly dynamic environment. Desire place with no connection to previous dictatorial supervisor who engaged in enhanced “coaching” techniques, usually involving violent movies with classical music soundtracks.
  • Current coaching assistant seeking any coordinating position where I can work with actual, competent people who do not struggle with the basics of their jobs. Not having to work with over-promoted, underachieving megalomaniacs a significant requirement. Have experience with weapons/tactics development, but hope not to rely on that for future results.
  • Current professional NFL player. Starter who plays at critical, if often overlooked, position. Looking to just get out of town due to recent workplace blunder which was absolutely not my fault. Made an error, but was intimidated by big, scary dudes who lined up against me all game, pushed me around, and called me bad names. Desire to work with field leader who can always field my products, no matter how off initial projections/requirements. Also seeking new identity.
Photo of a completely anonymous player whose identity you could possibly not determine by any means based on the super-duper secure measures taken to protect this totally unknown player (allegedly)
  • Current professional NFL player with a whole lotta accolades [I am J.J. Watt]. Looking to continue career, current and future options. Need to get to a place that is not run by idiotic morons that don’t care about real success and won’t waste my last few productive playing years.

“I wouldn’t read too much into that” stated Interim GM Jack Easterby. “People are always going to be a little nervous about the end of a season. It is only natural to feel such things. There is always change, but it’s nothing to be frightened of.” We attempted to ask Easterby follow-up questions, but he was too busy working on fortifying his office space. The placement of bricks with firing positions for 20mm Phalanx guns did seem a little excessive for some in the newsroom, but this is Texas, so there was little overall concern. We also noted a sign of defiance over his new reinforced steel office door.

“You’ll Never Fire Me From This Job!!! I’m Here Until the Bitter End!!!”

“Oh, And Can Take My Crucifix and Shove It Up Their…

[Ed. NOTE: Apparently, Easterby either ran out of space on his sign or spray paint].

Workers installing Easterby’s latest office defense system
Photo credit should read KIM JAE-HWAN/AFP via Getty Images

We attempted to ask Team Owner Kyle/Cal McNair about this, but he was still passed out from his latest liquid breakfast.

Before he slipped once again into incoherence, Mr. McNair did manage (or so he said) to put together a team of individuals to help with the hiring of a new HC and GM for the franchise. Luminaries such as Tony Dungy, Andre Johnson, R.C. Buford, and Jimmy Johnson were supposedly on this committee that may or may not exist. However, it is expected that Cal will consult other sources, including Jerry Jones, Jim Crane, Tilman Fertitta, Kellyanne Conway, Beto O’Rourke, Jabba the Hutt, Ms. Cleo, the homeless man who once advised Jimmy Haslam, the executives at Southern Comfort, and the Magic 8-Ball that his dad Bob gave him as a management tool several years back.

“This will be the most thorough-ist and goodest big leadership persony type decision-making board of all time in Houston. We is the best and weeeee wi&*) (#LMNDOIUU (*LgubbukvuilkBUTS786336298OILKNHBL8954613[POI9U8HYJTFR65TFuybgvfouyhliGYhj>P)(*&YIUHj

[Ed. NOTE: The Rest of Kyle/Cal McNair’s e-mail statement somehow managed to hyperlink the reader to a Tibetan-based web forum discussing yak husbandry.]

Yaks, steers...close enough
Photo by Roman Balandin\TASS via Getty Images

Needless to say, this can be hard on the current team. “I don’t know man,” said Deshaun Watson. “Been a tough season, but you find a way. It is an odd position. I don’t know what to do. Got some messages from James [Harden] about joining him for some ‘stress relief’ but I just don’t know at this point. All we can do is continue to play…and I hope to [kitten] that someone can actually SNAP THE [KITTENING] BALL INTO THE RIGHT PLANETARY ORBIT NEXT TIME ALONG THE GOAL-LINE!!!!” Watson roared to a player who adamantly requested that we protect his identity as the Texans’ starting center.

So it goes for the Houston Texans, who now look to start the final quarter of this irregular of regular seasons in Chicago. What will the rest of 2020 and beyond bring for the Houston Texans? Only time will tell.