Hair of the Dog - Finger Lickin’ Bad Edition (Texans/Bears)

That was...revolting. Nothing worked on any side of the ball. The defense made Mitch Trubisky look like a real NFL quarterback, the offense spluttered like a ‘74 Chevy Vega made only worse by what looked like a pretty bad elbow injury to Deshaun Watson, and Keke Coutee did his best De’Andre Carter impression on special teams.

The only good thing about it, other than the lone touchdown (which I’m starting to believe they scored on accident) is that it ended and we never have to watch it again. It’s not bad enough that they lost—to the Bears—but every game serves as a mini-autopsy of the total damage that Bill O’Brien has done to this franchise in the long term and how he held back some potentially good players because [shoulder shrug].

It’s not like the Texans have anything really to play for except maybe to act as spoiler to various playoff hopefuls but losing by nearly 30 points to a bad Chicago Bears team and looking awful doing it, is a special kind of pain the likes of which I hope never to experience again in the future.

Enough rehashing the game, let’s get to this week’s dog, where we talk about the Kentucky Fried Mini-Movie that aired on Lifetime midway through the game and just how much everybody needs to go at the end of this year.

As always, in finest HOTD tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work.

[Ed. Note: If you were, for some reason, planning to watch the KFC mini-movie “A Recipe For Seduction,” please be advised of potential spoilers in this thread; although really you can kind of figure out what happens in the entire 15 minute span of that movie.]

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION

Carlos Flores at 11:56 AM

The Deshaun Watson revenge tour continues.

UprootedTexan at 11:56 AM

Oh good, we get Kevin Harlan today.

Oh not good, no Brandin Cooks today.

Carlos Flores at 11:57 AM

John Reid is also out, so my expectations for this game are already lowered.

Matt Weston at 12:01 PM

I don’t like Brandin Cooks at all. I can’t wait for them to cut him next offseason.

Anyone have a good stream link? I tried to find one and found a pancakes recipe instead.

(Texans first possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:03 PM

Keke Coutee touches early!

UprootedTexan at 12:03 PM

This is the one I’ve got.

[CENSORED]

FIRST QUARTER

Matt Weston at 12:04 PM

sick, thanks [UT]

UprootedTexan at 12:04 PM

Sherrick McManus, now that’s a name I haven’t thought of in a long, long time.

Carlos Flores at 12:04 PM

Should have just stayed in empty.

Matt Weston at 12:05 PM

I love empty so much.

How are you going to go 5 wide and not have Kahale out there? I’m calling my local representative.

Carlos Flores at 12:06 PM

It doesn’t matter, because CHAD Hansen is about as much as we can handle.

UprootedTexan at 12:06 PM

I can’t promise anything but as Texans GM, I will lobby the next head coach to play fan favorite Kahale Warring as much as possible.

Ugh, we’re never going to hear the end of the Hopkins trade are we?

Relatedly, [kitten] you Bill O’Brien and double [kitten] you Jack Easterby.

Matt Weston at 12:08 PM

there’s only one CHAD on this team and it sure as [kitten] ain’t chad Hansen

Carlos Flores at 12:08 PM

It’s going to be a weekly reference AT LEAST for the next four to five years.

UprootedTexan at 12:08 PM

This Laremy Tunsil False Start is brought to you by Viagra. When you have trouble going off early, use Viagra.

Carlos Flores at 12:09 PM

Dang, Watson was way behind Akins there. LOL drive killer Laremy Tunsil. Opposing defense’s best player.

Dang, no De’Andre Carter.

(Bears first possession)

Matt Weston at 12:09 PM

I just want to make sure we are on the same page here. It’s chad hansen from now on.

Carlos Flores at 12:10 PM

Lowercase because he’s not alpha enough for capitalization.

Matt Weston at 12:10 PM

[kitten] yeah now we are one

UprootedTexan at 12:10 PM

But he’s The CHAD!

Carlos Flores at 12:10 PM

Gotta earn that in the gym!

Matt Weston at 12:11 PM

I had no idea if Mitch or Nick was starting today and the suspense was worth it

(Bears touchdown, Bears lead 7-0)

Carlos Flores at 12:11 PM

Whoever thought of cheeseburger pizza needs to be fired out of a cannon into the sun.

It didn’t really matter, a small child could move the ball against our defense.

UprootedTexan at 12:12 PM

Some psychopath is going to come up with hotdog pizza and I’m going to want to kill somebody.

Carlos Flores at 12:12 PM

Speaking of small children, David Montgomery just punched us in the mouth.

Matt Weston at 12:13 PM

hahahahha

LMFAO

UprootedTexan at 12:14 PM

Somehow Kevin Harlan makes that not hurt so much. That or I’ve lost all ability to feel emotions.

bigfatdrunk at 12:14 PM

It’s not on the air in Austin. Again.

Matt Weston at 12:14 PM

yeah they got CIN-DAL on instead lol

Carlos Flores at 12:15 PM

I got it lol. BFD, you might not want to watch.

Luke Beggs at 12:15 PM

HOLY [KITTEN] AJ BROWN JUST DID SOME SEXUAL [KITTEN]

(Texans second possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:16 PM

Please tell me he caught a touchdown like ‘Dre did against the Redskins forever ago.

UprootedTexan at 12:16 PM

I have a feeling they’ll break into the game to show us soon.

(Duke Johnson fumble, Bears recover)

(Bears second possession)

Matt Weston at 12:16 PM

Max Scharping is quickly becoming one of my least favorite Texans of all-time

UprootedTexan at 12:17 PM

And that list has some serious competition to it too.

Carlos Flores at 12:17 PM

Good [Durga], there’s a fumble for Mack.

UprootedTexan at 12:17 PM

There’s the one good run for Duke Johnson today.

Oh dear.

Carlos Flores at 12:18 PM

Now all we need is a Cordarelle Patterson Jet Sweep touchdown and I can kick the chair out from underneath me.

UprootedTexan at 12:18 PM

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...

Carlos Flores at 12:19 PM

Weaver sent Eric Murray. Successful sack to force the punt.

UprootedTexan at 12:19 PM

That’s less a fumble than Khalil Mack (who the Texans could’ve had but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) saying “[kitten] you gimme that ball.”

Matt Weston at 12:20 PM

Khalil Mack is really embracing his shadow with this goatee

Carlos Flores at 12:20 PM

Cartoonishly evil Khalil Mack.

(Texans third possession)

bigfatdrunk at 12:23 PM

Mahomes just took a double Keenum.

Carlos Flores at 12:23 PM

Mitchell with a few nice yards after the catch.

OH NO!

Matt Weston at 12:24 PM

I just saw the Brown catch. [Durga] [kitten] he’s more and more like Andre Johnson every day.

UprootedTexan at 12:24 PM

Oh, I hear bad words on television!

(Bears third possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:24 PM

AJ Brown one handed that ball and made it look effortless

Go for it.

COWARDS

UprootedTexan at 12:26 PM

Saw the Brown catch, I still think the Hail Murray catch was better but that was really [kitten]ed impressive.

Man, this watching on a long delay is for the birds.

Matt Weston at 12:30 PM

I already can’t wait to drunk by myself tonight and watch Josh Allen against this PIT defense. He’s the only redeeming thing about this NFL season.

Carlos Flores at 12:31 PM

It takes a village to tackle David Montgomery, apparently.

UprootedTexan at 12:32 PM

Did they just say the Man of the Year award is the most prestigious award in football? Guarantee you Lamar Jackson isn’t thinking he’d trade his MVP for the Man of the Year award.

Carlos Flores at 12:34 PM

Goodness, the Bears dysfunctional offense is... functioning?

bigfatdrunk at 12:34 PM

Against our D? Of course!

We’re like the miracle cure for sucky offenses.

UprootedTexan at 12:34 PM

All it takes is a more dysfunctional defense to play against.

Carlos Flores at 12:35 PM

We’re the Vicks Vapor Rub of defenses. We’ll make you feel better about yourself and also smell absolutely terrible while doing it.

Matt Weston at 12:35 PM

the Texans defense is the NFL’s slumpbuster

UprootedTexan at 12:35 PM

I wonder if they’re doing some kind of psyop to make the Bears feel better about taking Trubisky instead of Deshaun Watson.

SECOND QUARTER

Carlos Flores at 12:37 PM

I saw the double Keenum. That brings back memories.

It’s like watching someone turn against the skid, but twice.

Omenihu is down.

UprootedTexan at 12:39 PM

Wonderful...

Matt Weston at 12:40 PM

holy [kitten] that Mahomes sack was spectacular. That was Heaven Hill Lubbock Texas Mahomes.

bigfatdrunk at 12:40 PM

[Kitten], that was some big hitting there.

UprootedTexan at 12:41 PM

Wow, that was a spectacularly bad sack.

Matt Weston at 12:43 PM

Taking Entivyo so I can get that life murdering brain worm so I don’t have to watch this Texans defense anymore

Carlos Flores at 12:44 PM

Little did we know, this turned out to be the Mitch Trubisky revenge game.

bigfatdrunk at 12:44 PM

ERIC MURRAY GETTING PAID.

(Bears touchdown. Bears lead 14-0)

Kenneth L. at 12:44 PM

I see we are performing down to our 2020 level...

UprootedTexan at 12:44 PM

$20.25 million for the next three years.

Or one Murray unit.

Matt Weston at 12:45 PM

Eric Murray eats TURDS

Kenneth L. at 12:45 PM

For my next salary negotiations, I’m hiring Murray’s agent

UprootedTexan at 12:46 PM

[Kitten] that, I’m going to try and convince my company to hire BOB to be the head of HR so I can trick the [kitten] out of him for a 200% raise.

(Texans fourth possession)

Matt Weston at 12:47 PM

That Murray man coverage decision is yet another example why Anthony Weaver sucks

Carlos Flores at 12:47 PM

BRENT QVALE IS IN

Matt Weston at 12:48 PM

lol he’s been in for a while, nothing makes sense anymore

Carlos Flores at 12:48 PM

Super lucky he didn’t get called for holding there

OHHH A SCREEN PAID OFF!

UprootedTexan at 12:51 PM

You know that “Recipe for Seduction” thing is supposed to air today. Would it be too much of a departure to just watch and talk about that instead?

(Watson to Coutee for the touchdown! Bears lead 14-7)

Carlos Flores at 12:52 PM

COUTEE TOUCHDOWN!

bigfatdrunk at 12:52 PM

BOB wasted Coutee.

Carlos Flores at 12:52 PM

What’s that? It sounds XXX rated

UprootedTexan at 12:53 PM

Oh [Durga] you haven’t heard about this? KFC is producing a “mini-movie” where Mario Lopez plays Colonel Sanders in a love story for Lifetime. And I am not making any of this up.

It’s on Lifetime.

Carlos Flores at 12:55 PM

There’s no way!

UprootedTexan at 12:55 PM

It’s 1000% real.

Carlos Flores at 12:55 PM

OH MY [DURGA].

UprootedTexan at 12:56 PM

Carlos Flores at 12:56 PM

The Latinx community is vehemently against this, just saying.

UprootedTexan at 12:56 PM

I’m not sure any community is FOR this, except the KFC community.

(Bears fourth possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:57 PM

If they’re not revealing all 11 herbs and spices in a hot sex scene, what’s the point?

UprootedTexan at 12:58 PM

Pretty sure that’s in the unrated version.

(Texans fifth possession)

Kenneth L. at 1:00 PM

Of course, if this is Lifetime, won’t it involve Col Sanders sleeping with his wife’s sister, murdering her and framing his wife for it?

UprootedTexan at 1:01 PM

“Oh no, she’s allergic to [censored herb and/or spice]! [kitten][kitten][kitten][kitten][kitten][kitten][kitten]!”

Carlos Flores at 1:02 PM

Plot twist: he’s cheating on his wife with Wendy. This is the beginning of the fast food cinematic universe.

(Texans give up a safety. Again. Bears lead 16-7)

Kenneth L. at 1:03 PM

Another safety...joy.

UprootedTexan at 1:03 PM

“I can’t quit you, Colonel, you’re just too finger lickin’ good.”

I so, so hate this offensive line.

bigfatdrunk at 1:04 PM

Zach Fulton should just carry a red flag out there and ole people as they fly by him.

Kenneth L. at 1:04 PM

That was miserable

Carlos Flores at 1:04 PM

That’s the tag line, UT. We might be able to expect a safety per game through the rest of the season.

Kenneth L. at 1:04 PM

Zach Fulton what a miserable block. Look at that angle

UprootedTexan at 1:04 PM

Howard and Fulton just standing there watching the inevitability of their failure like “aw shoot.”

Kenneth L. at 1:05 PM

Guess the oline is ready for the holidays as well?

bigfatdrunk at 1:06 PM

Watching this offensive line play makes me wonder what kind of racist trash Easterby is thinking about them.

UprootedTexan at 1:06 PM

Is it too late to hold an inquisition for BOB, complete with a rack to break him on for his various crimes against the Texans and the Motherland?

(Bears fifth possession)

Kenneth L. at 1:06 PM

Will the purge include Easterby?

UprootedTexan at 1:06 PM

It will now.

Carlos Flores at 1:07 PM

I’m getting my good pitchfork.

Kenneth L. at 1:08 PM

The Texans just want to end this game and get out of the season, don’t they?

UprootedTexan at 1:08 PM

Just call me UT de Torquemada

To be fair, I’d be fine with hitting sim to end of season.

There’s nothing left to compete for here and it’s pretty clear they’re not interested in running the rookies out to see what they have.

Carlos Flores at 1:10 PM

I feel like Mooney was a bit short, but what does it matter. They’d get the yardage anyways.

(Bears touchdown. Bears lead 23-7)

bigfatdrunk at 1:11 PM

This defense is just so bad.

UprootedTexan at 1:13 PM

Seriously, an inquisition, I’ll even spring for the Dominican friar robes for authenticity sake.

A little early for this but:

Carlos Flores at 1:16 PM

Man, Duke Johnson is slow to get up.

(Texans sixth possession)

bigfatdrunk at 1:17 PM

Nobody should ever consider BOB for a job in football again.

UprootedTexan at 1:17 PM

He might be the most disastrous branch of the Belichick coaching tree.

Kenneth L. at 1:18 PM

At least never let BO’B near a front office...ever

UprootedTexan at 1:18 PM

I mean I don’t know because I didn’t care enough about Mangini/Crennel/McDaniels to pay attention, but man he’s done a lot of damage

bigfatdrunk at 1:18 PM

AND PEOPLE STILL THINK BOB WAS GOOD OMK.

Matt Weston at 1:18 PM

How is it still not halftime?

UprootedTexan at 1:18 PM

Duke Johnson going in the tent.

Carlos Flores at 1:19 PM

Another flag for Tunsil. Sweet.

TWO MINUTE WARNING

Kenneth L. at 1:21 PM

QVALE being pronounced “qua-lay” aggravates me

UprootedTexan at 1:22 PM

I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna watch Recipe for Seduction.

Kenneth L. at 1:22 PM

Does anyone have insight into why Stills was released btw?

Matt Weston at 1:22 PM

imagine still thinking Laremy Tunsil was worth two first round picks and a second round pick

Carlos Flores at 1:22 PM

It’ll either be a funny goof or the worst thing you’ve ever seen.

UprootedTexan at 1:23 PM

Probably both.

Carlos Flores at 1:23 PM

He’s been hitting the gas mask too hard in quarantine.

(Bears sixth possession)

bigfatdrunk at 1:23 PM

COWARDS.

Kenneth L. at 1:24 PM

“Snap on target by Weeks...”’ That is about all the Texans have gotten right in the last few minutes...

Carlos Flores at 1:25 PM

Tracy Smith is getting the game ball this week.

bigfatdrunk at 1:25 PM

Reid hurt his hand earlier in the game.

UprootedTexan at 1:26 PM

Of course he did.

Kenneth L. at 1:26 PM

Radio guys taking about their masks...not a great sign for this game

Matt Weston at 1:27 PM

Anthony Weaver is still dropping Jacob Martin into coverage because he sucks

bigfatdrunk at 1:29 PM

Our DB blitzes are so [kitten] good, though.

Carlos Flores at 1:30 PM

They eliminated almost all of that goodwill immediately

UprootedTexan at 1:31 PM

This two minute warning feels like it’s taken three hours.

Kenneth L. at 1:32 PM

I can’t handle this defense

What are we doing

UprootedTexan at 1:33 PM

LOL, this [kitten]ing defense.

Carlos Flores at 1:33 PM

Defecating ourselves on live TV

Kenneth L. at 1:34 PM

Is it live if half of Houston can’t watch it bc of direct tv?

Kenneth L. at 1:34 PM

Or is Direct TV doing Houston a favor by not showing this?

UprootedTexan at 1:35 PM

I think it’s only “live” in the sense that they’re not actually dead playing this (although you wouldn’t know it from this defense).

Joe Critz at 1:35 PM

Hey everyone

UprootedTexan at 1:35 PM

Yo!

Joe Critz at 1:35 PM

Sorry for being late was doing some housework (was also asleep till like 2:30)

UprootedTexan at 1:35 PM

You probably made the right decision, to be honest.

Joe Critz at 1:35 PM

I see Trubisky is asserting his dominance as the better quarterback again

bigfatdrunk at 1:36 PM

This game is like watching me streak.

Carlos Flores at 1:36 PM

Something about LB’s not covering.

(Bears touchdown. Bears lead 30-7)

Joe Critz at 1:37 PM

This is painful

Matt Weston at 1:37 PM

Imagine how good the Texans would be if the Bears took Watson over Trubisky?

Kenneth L. at 1:37 PM

I didn’t predict this

WESTON

Matt Weston at 1:38 PM

It’s your fault KENNETH that Houston has played Kahale 0 snaps today

UprootedTexan at 1:38 PM

Everybody needs to be fired, this has to be a totally cleaned slate going into next year. Starting with Jack [kitten]ing Easterby.

And as the next Texans general manager, I promise to fulfill this cleaning of the slate. None of the coaches currently on the roster will be here next year and Easterby will be shot to Jupiter in the biggest cannon we can find.

(Texans seventh possession ends with a knee)

HALFTIME REACTIONS

UprootedTexan at 1:38 PM

No matter how bad, insane, or stupid Recipe for Seduction ends up being, it will still be better than whatever the [kitten] we just saw this first half.

Carlos Flores at 1:40 PM

Sweet release. 15 minutes of eating until this defense forces me to regurgitate it.

Kenneth L. at 1:40 PM

The Bears have lost 6 in a row

bigfatdrunk at 1:40 PM

This is the team the BOB homers deserve.

Kenneth L. at 1:41 PM

I’ve been watching Ross Blacklock. He is not good

Key injuries and losses + a team with little to play for+ a team that was already bad on D+ a poor oline performance = whatever this first half was. Maybe the Texans come alive in the second half, but until otherwise noted, the fix is in and the entire team is looking to 2021.

Matt Weston at 1:45 PM

Just throw Kahale Warring the [kitten]ing football. [KITTEN].

UprootedTexan at 1:49 PM

The problem is, the team BOB homers deserve means the BOB haters (who are right, by the way) are stuck with the team BOB homers deserve.

Matt Weston at 1:52 PM

the problem is the BOB homers will never be punished for their sins

Carlos Flores at 1:52 PM

And they’ll criticize the next coach into oblivion for not being BOB

THIRD QUARTER

(Bears seventh possession)

UprootedTexan at 1:52 PM

“We’re lucky it’s only a 23 point game.”

bigfatdrunk at 1:55 PM

Reid with an alligator tackle fail.

UprootedTexan at 1:56 PM

My [Durga], what a whiff.

Kenneth L. at 1:56 PM

“The Answer is Not playing Murray in the slot” Radio not pulling any punches...nor should they.

Carlos Flores at 1:56 PM

Mitch with a keeper is just insulting.

UprootedTexan at 1:57 PM

These false starts are the only thing driving the Bears back.

bigfatdrunk at 1:59 PM

JJ Watt made a tackle 19 yards down the field.

UprootedTexan at 2:00 PM

KFC movie time. Back in about 15 minutes. Be good, y’all.

(Bears field goal. Bears lead 33-7)

This is the fanciest fried chicken dinner I’ve ever seen.

LOL, Colonel Sanders is the “new chef” for these rich [kitten]s!

This is some soap opera level acting [kitten].

Carlos Flores at 2:02 PM

At least they didn’t write him into a position of power.

Could we expect more from Mario Lopez?

UprootedTexan at 2:03 PM

I refuse to think of Harland Sanders in a tight white dress shirt.

He’s even got the dumb[kitten] black tie!

(Texans eighth possession)

Kenneth L. at 2:04 PM

Oh, now we run the ball...

Carlos Flores at 2:04 PM

With Buddy Howell?

UprootedTexan at 2:05 PM

First reference of the Secret Recipe four minutes in.

“Don’t call me crouton,” is a plot point.

bigfatdrunk at 2:06 PM

THROW IT TO WARRING BEFORE BIG MATT [KITTEN]PLODES!

Carlos Flores at 2:06 PM

Surprised there isn’t a family dog named biscuit.

UprootedTexan at 2:07 PM

One conversation and this woman’s already head over heels for the Colonel might be the most unrealistic thing about this movie and this is a movie about a muscle-bound Colonel Sanders.

Carlos Flores at 2:08 PM

Of course holding to pull back that run. Howard not doing great either.

UprootedTexan at 2:08 PM

Eight minutes in, four Secret Recipe references.

Kenneth L. at 2:08 PM

Are we surprised (the hold and the secret recipe references)?

UprootedTexan at 2:09 PM

Kenneth, you were not terribly far off with you “sleeping with the wife’s sister” part of the story.

“Secret’s out, chicken man,” get the [kitten] outta here.

Carlos Flores at 2:09 PM

Gasp! Who is he with, then? LOL

Kenneth L. at 2:09 PM

This is Lifetime you are talking about...

UprootedTexan at 2:09 PM

It wasn’t him though, it was the bad guy, and his fiancee’s mother.

Carlos Flores at 2:10 PM

That is some “As The World Turns” [kitten] right there.

UprootedTexan at 2:11 PM

Gay best friend confronting the fiancee’s mother who knocks him out with a [kitten]ing broom!

Five secret recipe references now.

bigfatdrunk at 2:12 PM

Wow, what an amazing drop.

UprootedTexan at 2:13 PM

Oh no, Harland left the mansion, WILL THEY EVER GET TOGETHER?!?!!?

bigfatdrunk at 2:13 PM

Please don’t get killed, Dehsaun

UprootedTexan at 2:13 PM

Wait...this just turned into a Saw movie.

Kenneth L. at 2:13 PM

Doesn’t that play sum up the Texans?

Carlos Flores at 2:14 PM

Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman are the same person.

UprootedTexan at 2:14 PM

Star Wars proved this.

“One year later...”

Carlos Flores at 2:15 PM

This old spice commercial has better football graphics than Madden.

UprootedTexan at 2:16 PM

Oh my [Durga] the last scene of the movie. “I’ve found them,” bad guy says to ex-fiancee’s mother in an ominous tone then takes a big bite out of a drumstick.

Kenneth L. at 2:17 PM

Oh great...McCarron time...

Carlos Flores at 2:17 PM

DESHAUN, NO!

UprootedTexan at 2:17 PM

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I think he got hit in the onions there.

bigfatdrunk at 2:18 PM

I thought it was his nutsack. I don’t think onions are allowed on the field.

UprootedTexan at 2:20 PM

Watson leaving the field. Just let me die.

Carlos Flores at 2:20 PM

If you’re going to pump fake while being sacked, you’d might as well fumble.

bigfatdrunk at 2:20 PM

Oh, [kitten], his elbow.

UprootedTexan at 2:21 PM

Aw [kitten].

Kenneth L. at 2:21 PM

Oh, but of course...a sack/hold on 4th and goal...

bigfatdrunk at 2:21 PM

Great moments in pathetic by AJ McCarron.

Kenneth L. at 2:21 PM

We don’t even get the complementary garbage time TD

UprootedTexan at 2:21 PM

WHERE IS THAT SIM TO END OF SEASON BUTTON?!

Matt Weston at 2:21 PM

Bill O’Brien is so excited about McCarron being in

(Turnover on downs. Bears ball.)

(Bears eighth possession)

UprootedTexan at 2:22 PM

He’s Tough. He’s Smart. He’s Dependable. And he can’t play for [kitten].

Kenneth L. at 2:22 PM

Sim button “out of order” Guess we are gonna have to suffer the rest of the year...

The Bears really want to give up the bettor TD, don’t they?

Carlos Flores at 2:25 PM

Apparently Watson is coming back out. Why? Who knows.

Matt Weston at 2:26 PM

Just sit down man. There’s nothing left this year.

Kenneth L. at 2:26 PM

Rootes has bet on the over/under...can’t stand any money losses.

Matt Weston at 2:26 PM

I hope O’Brien gets the Jets or Jags job and takes [kitten]head McCarron with him

UprootedTexan at 2:26 PM

Matt Weston at 2:27 PM

[kitten] yeah dude

[Durga] I love that

UprootedTexan at 2:28 PM

No, really, why is Watson back out there?

(Texans ninth possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:29 PM

Who got beat on that play?

Kenneth L. at 2:30 PM

Ok, maybe you just give it to McCarron for the rest of the game? Kinda think the competitive phase is truly over here...

FOURTH QUARTER

UprootedTexan at 2:30 PM

Ibid.

Maybe I should just rewatch the Kentucky Fried Mini-Movie again.

Matt Weston at 2:31 PM

[Durga] just throw Kahale the ball once man.

Carlos Flores at 2:31 PM

What your score out of 10?

bigfatdrunk at 2:31 PM

Big Matt has Kahale Warring blue balls.

UprootedTexan at 2:33 PM

I have to assume it’s entirely done ironically and, obviously, just a long [kitten] KFC commercial, so I’ll give it a gentleman’s six.

bigfatdrunk at 2:33 PM

I just lost my stream. [KITTEN]IT!

UprootedTexan at 2:33 PM

In terms of objective good/bad quality, it’s at best a three.

(Bears ninth possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:33 PM

That’s more than fair for a corporate monstrosity like that.

UprootedTexan at 2:33 PM

Hit refresh, that usually works for mine.

Matt Weston at 2:34 PM

Justin Reid didn’t want to play football today

Carlos Flores at 2:34 PM

Apparently no one did.

UprootedTexan at 2:34 PM

Rivers needs to do something drastic, like insult his mother or something.

Matt Weston at 2:34 PM

My nuts look like Exeggutor

UprootedTexan at 2:36 PM

I don’t know how to respond to this.

Kenneth L. at 2:36 PM

Drink heavily to forget?

Carlos Flores at 2:37 PM

As a Pokemon fan, I love it. From a biological standpoint, it’s a crime against humanity.

bigfatdrunk at 2:37 PM

Well said, Carlos.

Matt Weston at 2:38 PM

Keion [DURGA]SON

UprootedTexan at 2:38 PM

Crossen thinks he’s a football player, apparently.

Matt Weston at 2:38 PM

idk man just throw Kahale the ball

(Bears kick a field goal. Bears lead 36-7)

UprootedTexan at 2:38 PM

Can we fire Bill O’Brien again? I’d really like to fire him again for this.

Carlos Flores at 2:41 PM

How the [kitten] is there still 10+ minutes left in this game?

Matt Weston at 2:41 PM

Yes, I would like to do that. This game is longer than the Irishman.

(Texans tenth possession)

Matt Weston at 2:43 PM

Kahale is in the slot

come on daddy

[Durga] [kitten]it Fells is back

Kenneth L. at 2:43 PM

I guess that is about the only drama left in this game...will Kahale get a reception.

UprootedTexan at 2:44 PM

RAC heard Matt’s excitement and said “LOL no.”

(Bears tenth possession)

Matt Weston at 2:45 PM

Tim Kelly is a crime against neon glasses, Spring Break tank tops, 50G protein powder, and calling every woman babe

Kenneth L. at 2:48 PM

I fell asleep

What happened

Matt Weston at 2:48 PM

Kahale has played one snap and ran a quick out route but the pressure got to Watson

UprootedTexan at 2:49 PM

Watson got hit in the elbow and the Bears kicked a field goal and RAC is teasing Matt by not throwing to Kahale Warring.

Kenneth L. at 2:49 PM

I said my player I most wanted to watch was Warring

Crap DJ Dunn is hurt

Carlos Flores at 2:51 PM

Shoot, even Coutee is regressing.

Matt Weston at 2:51 PM

[Durga] [kitten] stop throwing the football

(Bears punt. Coutee muffs it. Bears recover.)

(Bears eleventh possession)

Kenneth L. at 2:52 PM

BO’B sitting at home: “and all of you doubted my wisdom on Coutee...See, I was right, like in all of my personnel and on-field decisions.”

Matt Weston at 2:52 PM

If this is what [kitten] feels like, then I’m taking Pascal’s wager and attending mass every Sunday once this NFL season comes to an end.

UprootedTexan at 2:52 PM

LOLOLOLOL, OF COURSE HE MUFFS IT.

Joe Critz at 2:53 PM

One of those funny games

I have nothing to add

Should’ve drafted the biscuit

Kenneth L. at 2:54 PM

Please tell me the team is not showing sympathy for Easterby after that SI piece from Thursday?

“He’s hurting, we hurt too...”

UprootedTexan at 2:57 PM

Wow, I’m surprised Cal McNair gave enough of a [kitten] about the team that he’d travel to watch them.

#CalMcNairDoesNotCare

Kenneth L. at 2:57 PM

Cal looks like he just woke up

Murray with the sack..a nice stat padding move there

UprootedTexan at 2:57 PM

Totally worth the $20.25 million.

Matt Weston at 2:58 PM

I love how hungover he always looks

Kenneth L. at 2:58 PM

Guess he watched the same film of his play that we have?

DHop almost had as many receiving yards as Watson had passing yards

UprootedTexan at 2:59 PM

::sobbing uncontrollably::

Kenneth L. at 3:00 PM

I’d simply like to be in the room where they decided the Dhop trade was decided

Matt Weston at 3:00 PM

You should have snuck onto Bill O’Brien’s back porch

(Texans eleventh possession)

Carlos Flores at 3:00 PM

It was in his base meant, a la Tony Soprano.

UprootedTexan at 3:01 PM

THE CHAD!

Kenneth L. at 3:01 PM

Why are we prolonging this...call for the running clock and get this over?

UprootedTexan at 3:02 PM

QUIT STOPPING THE CLOCK ALREADY!

Welcome to the two minute warning.

[sun rises]

[sun keeps getting bigger]

Yes.

[World engulfed by flames]

Oh [Durga] yes.

TWO MINUTE WARNING

Matt Weston at 3:09 PM

I’m going to fly up to Seattle [UT], there’s only one CHAD and it’s not chad

Kenneth L. at 3:10 PM

Six sacks. Disgusting. What are we doing. WHAT ARE WE DOING. LOOK AT THIS TEAM

FINAL SCORE - BEARS 36 - TEXANS 7.

UprootedTexan at 3:13 PM

Fight me, Big Matt.

[Durga][kitten] that SUCKED!

Matt Weston at 3:14 PM

meet me in temecula

This was one of the worst games in franchise history, everything about it sucked, there’s nothing good to say or be said, [kitten] Bill O’Brien, [kitten] Jack Easterby, [kitten] Kyle McNair, [kitten] David Johnson, [kitten] Brandin Cooks, [kitten] Bill O’Brien, [kitten] Eric Murray, [kitten] Bill O’Brien.

bigfatdrunk at 3:24 PM

The. End.

GAME BALLS

If you can point to anybody in this game that deserves a game ball, then I’ll give them one. But as of right now, I refuse on moral grounds to praise anybody in this game.

That’s it. That’s this week’s thread. Have at it in the comments, y’all.