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Totally Not Fake News: The Faith of the Texans

There is no NFL team but the Texans, and Easterby is their prophet.

The High Holy Site for Texans Fandom
Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

HOUSTON, TX – After the explosive revelations about the powerful Executive Vice President of Football Operations and Interim General Manager Jack Easterby, the Houston Texans organization has been in a state of damage control and denial. Amid the usual public relations statements which somehow didn’t really answer the questions about Easterby’s role in the organization, primarily because the main PR person was sacked a few weeks ago and most of the recent press releases read as follows:

Easterby is Good.

People Questioning Easterby are Bad, Evil Meanies

Attempts were made to ask coaches and players about the situation, but all inquiries were dismissed out of hand. “Don’t have time for that [kitten]!” noted Head Coach Romeo Crennel. “Got work to do.” Apparently, Easterby, McNair and Rootes attempted to rally the team prior to the recent game in Chicago. According to insiders “The Holy Trinity” (as Easterby apparently like to call this group of three execs) came down to the locker room:

“...Tex-ans Brain-Trust in 3 per-sons; Bles-sed Trin-ity”
houstontexans.com

“Well, actually, it was just Rootes and Easterby. Kyle had passed out on the plane ride, and not even Hannah was bothered to wake him up. Rootes gave an impassioned speech in praise of Easterby and implored the team to show the type of fight that Easterby would show them. He was looking for a Knute Rockne speech. The team responded accordingly.”

Still, there are a plethora of unanswered questions about Easterby, McNair, Rootes and the rest of the organization. In particular, just what does Easterby do within the Texans organization? What is his exact influence? Since the Texans’ brain trust has offered few real answers, we at Totally Not Fake News figured it was time to engage our completely legal and totally ethical practice of obtaining information by whatever means necessary, to include a possible side-deal with some really good computer techs that are easy to work with, once you get past their vodka/borsht breath.

Here now is the transcript of a typical meeting called by Easterby during the past few weeks that our consultants were able to [very totally legally and ethically] obtain. We can’t be entirely sure of the exact date, but it is assessed to have happened sometime after Week 5-6:

Easterby: “Blessings be upon you, fellow believers of the Holy Texans Church!!! Please, as is custom, remove your hats, sunglasses, so I can see the eyes of the Lord within you, and electronic devices…Thank you, now, let us resume the call to worship”

Congregation [in the form of Lutheran chant]: “Blessed be the Holy Texans Church….and blessed be the name of the one true and holy prophet…the prophet whose word has lifted us up above all other franchises…the blessed leader Easterby.”

Easterby: “Friends! Let us continue to pray together. It is a day to rejoice and a day to reflect. Let us give thanks for the glory.”

Congregation [chanting]: “Blessed be Easterby, and blessed be his holy word and holy message of the Holy Texans Church…whose faith in the one true team will led us to the path of glory and salvation…as foretold by the prophet we hold most dear…the honorable blessed Easterby”

Easterby: “Continue to sing it, my flock! Let the Lord hear our voices on this fine, fine day that was made for us.”

Congregation: “Blessed is the Easterby…and blessed is the message that the one true prophet of the Church of the Texans gives to the city of Houston, and to the world of pro football…as foretold by the old master up north, blessed is he who reigns supreme…”

[Note: This goes on for about 45 minutes, so let’s just skip that part of the chanting and get to the reading of the text].

Easterby: “Go on, good employee. Go on, and shout with the voice like a clarion bell, the glory that is from the Good Book.”

Employee [apparently very nervous after looking Easterby in the eyes…and seeing that Easterby was holding a large Bowie knife]. “Frie…friend…[ahem] Friends. Let us now open your Good Books, the NERD (New Easterby Revised Dictate) Version, to the Book of Easterby, Chapter 3, verses 10-16.

“(10) And, lo, did the Easterby and the BO’B pair up, to solve the wreckage left by the corrupt and the un-Easterby heathens, who did not have the foresight to hire and listen to the Honorable Easterby and his message for football salvation. (11) Yea, the BO’B and the Easterby doth cleansed the sin and corruption, as they purged the unrighteous and the unlearned. (12) Those so deemed for the purge, possessed of many desirable skills, did not possess the true faith and lacked the holy tenants of Smart, Tough and Dependable. (13)Chief among them, did the Easterby proclaim, the purge of “That” player, and ye verily, the BO’B, driven by the conviction of the righteousness of the Easterby, purged said player, replaced with an equitable bounty of Smart, Tough and Dependable goods and souls, strong of heart, overcoming all talent shortfalls. (14) Alas, even the Smart, Tough and Dependable BO’B, empowered with the force of the message of the Easterby, could not stay on the path. (15) The challenges were great, but the BO’B could not stand in the way of the Easterby, (16)and thus it came to pass, that the Easterby so loved his power, that he sacrificed the loyal and dutiful BO’B to the glory and divine right to rule that is reserved for the all-mighty Easterby.”

Employee [looking nervously at the Bowie Knife of Toro: “PRAISE BE TO THE EASTERBY, BLESSED ABOVE ALL!!!!”

...as it says in the Good Book
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Congregation: [UNISION] “ALL HAIL THE EASTERBY!!! THE EASTERBY SHALL REIGN SUPREME!!!”

Easterby: “Thank you, loyal and lowly minion. Your words of honoring the high priest of the Texans church and of your Lord and Master Easterby are appreciated as always. Now, for our moment for mission, let us bring up Brother Rootes. Brother Rootes, what do you have for us for the offering?”

Rootes: “Hallelujah!!” Blessed be the day, my friends, for the Lord has surely blessed us all in the Holy Church of the Texans Incorporated!!! We have a bountiful haul, as we continue to remain in the one triune and holy color of money…in the black of divine profit! Now, we shall put forth these holy tidings into the glorious kingdom of the “prosperity gospel,” Texans style!!! The airplanes, the blessed tailored suits, the hookers and blow in the luxury boxes ordained by God himself has placed us as examples of his shining love and most holy gift of generous and creative accountants. With the players unconsciously covering the charitable aims of the Holy Texans Church, we are commanded by the tenants of the “prosperity gospel” and by our anti-trust exemptions status to USE the wealth as we, the Holy Trinity, sees fit. Blessed be the divine Greenbacks and Tax breaks!!!”

Easterby: “Thank you Brother Rootes. And now, prepare yourselves to receive the holy Easterby Communion. Brothers and sisters, if you please rise and come forth to receive…[significant interruption to the transcript]…Really!!!! All of them??? Even the reserve??? AGAIN!?!? G*d-[kitten]it!!!!

Fellow congregation that is here by choice and absolutely not forced to attend by the threat of loss of employment or limbs, it appears that we will have to forgo the holy wine for communion. Brother Kyle/Cal and Sister Hannah apparently consumed all of the wine bottles and the boxed wine…for the umpteenth time this season. I would say we go with the grape juice, but I hunger for something different. Employee who did the NERD reading, get up here!” (starts to unsheathe the Holy Bowie Knife of Toro)…

Employee: “But…but…but I did everything you asked!!! NO, STOP, YOU CAN”T DO THIS!!!!, STOP!!!! HEELLLLPPPP!!![transmission cuts off for several minutes, but not before you can hear some sort slicing/cutting noise, as well as someone chugging some sort of fluid]

Easterby:…and if any of your [kitteners] squeal to the infidels at SI.com or if you try to reach out to Amy again, I will reign righteous fury and anger down, smiting your lives and social media accounts…and you will know that my name is the Easterby, when I lay my vengeance down upon thee!!!!”

[40 more minutes of praise and chanting for Easterby continued before all were released to return to their desks]

Behold, that most sacred of objects for the Holy Texans Church...the Holy Bowie Knife of Toro

When confronted with a print-out of this session, Texans officials gave each other wary sideways glances, neither confirming nor denying anything stated…mostly because they all ran faster than Will Fuller from a drug test when we attempted to follow up. Further inquiries to the Texans’ offices have gone unanswered.

While it may never be truly known what the exact role of Easterby is within the organization, this will continue to be an area that we at Totally Not Fake News will continue to monitor with great attention and fanfare.