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Totally Not Fake News: Texans Stars Punished for Violation of COVID Protocols, Filing Appeal

Does the punishment fit the crime?

Pro-Bowler...and Restaurant Owner

HOUSTON, TX – Despite all of the current news that involves the mass approval and distribution of COVID-19 vaccines to the public, the pandemic remains an omnipresent force in the lives of all Americans. Many organizations and governments still have strict COVID-19 protocols to mitigate the spread/impact of the virus. The NFL is no exception to this rule. At various points throughout the 2020 season, players and teams who found themselves in violation of those protocols faced fines and suspensions.

Among those teams who ran afoul of the COVID-19 protocols were your Houston Texans, who this past week were fined by the NFL for violations of the protocols. The violation: Appearing at the grand opening of a new restaurant owned by Deshaun Watson. Reports indicate that Watson received a $7,500 fine from the Houston Texans for said violations, with other teammates in attendance also getting fined undisclosed amounts.

Given the recent contract extension signed by Watson in the offseason, a small fine of this nature would seemingly put little dent in Watson’s bank account. Yet Totally Not Fake News received word that Watson and his teammates plan to appeal the fine and punishment up to the NFL.

“Of course, we are going to appeal the punishment decision,” stated Deshaun Watson in a written statement on Lefty’s stationary. “We feel that our violation of the rules warrants a punishment that is worthy of deterrence for other players so that they won’t make the deliberate mistakes that we made. The fine is insufficient. We truly feel that a two-game suspension is warranted. Keep us out of the games, and I guarantee that you will see fewer, if any, new violations of COVID-19 protocols.”

“Oh, absolutely agree with Deshaun on this one,” said Laremy Tunsil. “While the cheesesteaks at Lefty’s are some of the best in the country, we absolutely violated the NFL COVID-19 protocols by more than three of us gathering together at a damned good place. At least six of us where there, and yeah, we said we didn’t get within six feet of each other, and we all wore masks, but we definitely violated protocols. Even my special gas mask violated the protoco. I am appealing the fine and asking for the full two-game suspension, effective immediately. We have to send a message.”

“[Kitten], if the NFL can have every single QB on the Denver Broncos sit out a game because they didn’t wear their masks the full time at a team meeting, I think what we did warrants at least a game, if not a full two game/end-this-[kitteny]-season-of-pain-and-misery” observed Whitney Mercilus. This marks the first time that anyone can actually recall Mercilus doing or saying anything of note this entire season.

Houston Texans v Detroit Lions
Apparently, he is actually still on the team. Who knew?
Photo by Rey Del Rio/Getty Images

This seemed to be a universal theme for all the players in attendance that day. The fine, well, it was a fine, but they fully expected and wanted to miss the final two games of the 2020 season. Granted, it had little to do with the fact that the final two opponents are the Cincinnati Bengals and the Tennessee Titans, or the fact that the Texans were mathematically eliminated from the NFL Playoffs two weeks ago.

When informed of the news, the Holy Trinity defended their position. “Hey, they committed the infraction, and we punished them within the acceptable limits of the NFL COVID-19 protocol. The fine is enough. They need to get back out on to the field. Maybe we can only have 14,000 fans, but we need all 14,000 we can get. Can’t pay for the finest Colombian blow without Watson on the field. You think those “dancers” from Westheimer are just going to perform for free? Money, man. We need the money.” lamented Team President Jamey Rootes.

“The Lord gave Watson and Tunsil special gifts, gifts they are ordained by the Almighty to share with the world, and that means getting them on to the football field,” opined Interim GM Jack Easterby. “Look, I know it is Christmas, but we don’t need to be that charitable to the NFL. The Dolphins are in good enough shape. I can’t afford to see them with the #3 pick in the draft, I mean, we need to be the best team we can be for Houston and our fans. My job, er, the faith of the city, depends on the Texans putting their best foot forward.”

“I think the fine is sufficient,” slurred Cal McNair. “$7,500 is enough to get an actual, decent bottle of Scotch. Not this Southern Comfort crap I’ve been inhaling during this dumpster fire of a season. Heck, I nearly had to raid Hannah’s boxed wine set! It has been that bad a season…a seah-son-ish, ya diggis [once against passes out in drunken stupor].”

The “official” beverage of the 2020 Texans
Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Granted, the loss of the two games does mean that said players lose their paychecks for those games, and that led to one of the biggest rows of the season, where Tunsil and Watson nearly came to blows, with each fighting over who would pick up the tab for the lost games. “I’m making $22 million a year, I’ll cover the guys!” screamed Tunsil, “No, you dumb [kitten] son of a [kitten]! Imma bout to make $40 million, I got this! Plus, I got this damned restaurant! I can literally put food on the table for these guys!” roared Watson.

If not for the timely intervention of Romeo Crennel, fresh off a double zero hit at the roulette table and finding time to win the latest round of “The Masked Singer,” it may have turned into a supreme locker room donnybrook. “That stare, man,” shivered Watson. “I thought I was tough, but when Coach [Crennel] gives you the death stare, you don’t argue, you don’t question, you just accept. A stare like that, Laremy and I both agreed, we gonna do whatever the [kitten] Coach wants.”

Houston Texans v Detroit Lions
The stare that could kill an un-killable virus
Photo by Nic Antaya/Getty Images

Whether Watson, Tunsil, and the rest of the gang suit up for the final two games, all involved agreed that it is important to follow the COVID-19 rules, that the Holy Trinity of the Texans can shove the N.E.R.D. book up their vestment robes, and that if COVID-19 was dumb enough to try to infect Crennel, his Death Stare would probably kill the virus at the sub-atomic level.